Disclaimer: I whole-heartedly apologize to all internet dating websites for the following. I'm sure all of those couples on your commercials are real….honest I do…they're just not nearly as cool as the Saw couples. Oh, and I don't own Saw or any of its characters….
Author Note: Look, I wrote funny stuff! Well…ok maybe it's not that funny but it's not fluff so that has to count for something, right? :) I've had this idea floating around in my head for a while now. What can I say….Jigsaw knows how to play matchmaker and I would trust him over Dr. Phil any day. Oh, and I'm not really sure if anyone has thought about an Amanda/Eric Matthews pairing. Just thought it might be fun to play with for comic relief purposes.
"Daniel! Er…I mean Adam! Stop playing with your damn camera and help us with this thing."
Adam Faulker looked up from the camera positioned securely on his lap to see Strahm, Lawrence, and Matthews staring down at him from their position against the wall. In all of their, clearly strained, arms was a section of the big screen TV brought in specifically for the occasion.
Unfortunately, nobody thought about how difficult it might be to mount it on the concrete walls of Johns place, also known as the warehouse.
"Fuck John, you couldn't have made the walls a little easier to drill into?"
Adam spoke to the frail looking man in the next room – who was currently chopping vegetables for Lawrence's famous ranch dip. His pink frilly apron, a gift from his apprentice Amanda, hung purposefully around his neck.
"For the last time, Adam, it's a secret lair. I can't very well cover it in floral wallpaper now can I?" He pauses to chop a carrot and dumps it onto a crystal dish. "And what did I say about using foul language in my lair?"
"Only use it when in reference to sexual activity?" He paused and gave his boyfriend a feigned wide-eyed stare. "Oops…I meant fucking."
Lawrence glanced down from his place under the TV and gave Adam an amused smirk in return. The inside joke was not lost on Matthews, who sent Lawrence an exasperated death glare. Lawrence shrugged sheepishly and fought to keep his grip on the big screen.
"Dammit Lawrence, get your boy toy over here or I'm going to rip him a new one." The veins in Strahm's neck were beginning to bulge and Adam took this as a sign that he should probably give in and try to help. Together, the four men lifted the TV onto the wall and attached it to the mounting slot.
"Who are you mounting now, Adam? I could have sworn Lawrence would be the one on top." Hoffman strutted out of the kitchen holding a carrot stick between his teeth like a toothpick. His hands rested in his suit pockets and he appeared endlessly amused at his own joke.
Lawrence shifted awkwardly and pulled Adam closer as they dropped onto the couch and assumed their usual snuggling position. This didn't last long, though, as Adam quickly sat up in defense and flashed Hoffman a sarcastic smile.
"Hilarious Hoffman. Especially when you say it with that constipated look on your face….you know I'm sure Amanda left some ex lax lying around here somewhere…"
"Enough!" John's voice echoed from inside the kitchen and he appeared in the doorway, apron now halfway off to reveal his usual black robe with red lining. "I lend my hand in making you all a tasteful dinner for our big debut and this is what I get? Need I remind you all that the bathroom is just down the hallway?"
The five men immediately stopped in their tracks and Hoffman quickly found his way into Strahms waiting arms. Adam crawled backwards onto the couch again and Lawrence pulled him closer in a protective stance. Matthews retreated into the corner and assumed a crouch position.
"That's what I thought." John's voice evened out again as he, conservatively, straightened his now slightly wrinkled robe.
"Want me to kill them for you, Johnny? All you have to do is ask." Just then Amanda strode in carrying a large white box, which took up her entire arms length. She stood on her tiptoes and planted a kiss firmly onto John's cheek, inciting a pained glare from the man still crouched in the corner.
"You know how I feel about murder, Amanda." Suddenly his face turned from stern to delighted as he looked at the now flashing picture on the TV screen. "Hurry! It's almost time."
Amanda dropped the box onto the nearby table, tailored with the bright red tablecloth she'd picked out herself, and hurried into the living room with the others. Matthew's pulled her into his lap as he remained in the corner -far away from John. When he was sure John wasn't looking back, he sent one of his trademark jealousy ridden glares in his direction. Adam sat up on the couch excitedly, causing Lawrence slight disappointment at his sudden absence from their embrace. Hoffman continued to suck on his carrot as Strahm stood in the most feminine pose he could muster – the one that always drove Hoffman crazy.
It started out as a blank white screen and soon music began to blare from the obscenely large speakers – purchased just for this event. It was sentimental music and Matthews pretended that it wasn't a tear that he wiped from his overly emotional eye. Amanda rolled her own eyes at the gesture and looked, encouragingly, at John. The first image on the screen was of Adam and Lawrence. They were sitting together on the floor of their all too familiar bathroom and laughing. It was fake laughing, of course, and Adam let out a pained groan.
"Fuck, could we look anymore gay?" He paused. "It's like Queer Eye meets The Brady Bunch."
"Shut him up Gordon or I swear to God…" Matthews' temper was about to explode and Amanda was barely able to hold him down. There could have been steam rising from his head considering the shade of radish red that his face was turning.
"Touch him, Eric, and I'm going to have you committed again…" Lawrence's threat was said in a low and calm voice. Matthews continued to struggle and Lawrence reached into his pocket to pull out his cell phone. "Hello, Dr. Roberts? I have a referral for psychiatric…"
Matthews calmed down immediately and Amanda slapped him on the head.
"Ass! Interrupt John's commercial again and they'll be no bondage sex tonight." He mumbled something along the lines of 'fine…junky bitch' and leaned back into his corner.
"Shut up, all of you! The dialogue is starting…" John nervously wrung his hands in his robe. This was his big moment.
The group looked on, intently, as the dialogue began with Lawrence's voice.
"I always knew something was missing from my life, but I never knew quite what it was." Commercial Lawrence looked over at commercial Adam, who was smiling a big goofy grin that made real life Adam gag. "Then, through Jigsaw's program, I met Adam."
Jill's voice came on next – played over the image of Adam and Lawrence tickling each other girlishly. "Find Your Missing Piece is a comprehensive program created by John Kramer himself. It helps you to find that one puzzle piece that fits you, and only you. See what other participants have to say about their experience with Find Your Missing Piece.
Immediately, an image of Hoffman and Strahm appeared on screen. Strahm leaned back against the dirty tile wall in the most feminine way possible and Hoffman stood next to him, same serious look on his face as usual. They seemed to size each other up for a moment before Strahm put his arm out and allowed Hoffman into the embrace only to ruffle his hair tenderly.
"I never thought that someone like Hoffman would be my perfect fit. I would never have picked him on my own, ever. Trust me. But, thanks to John's program, I'm in the best relationship of my life."
Real life Hoffman gave Strahm a slight elbow jab in the side with a sly smile cast strategically from a lateral direction. At the same moment, commercial Hoffman came on with the usual smug look on his face. He scrunched up his eyebrows and pursed his lips.
"I could get anyone really – man, woman, animal. And I have." He paused for emphasis. "But thanks to John Kramer, I found someone who is more than just anyone. He's my someone."
Real life Strahm scrunched up his eyebrows and jabbed Hoffman in return – this blow came with more aggression and less playfulness.
Real life Adam giggled from his seat and Lawrence tried to hide his own laughter by burying his face in Adam's hair. One threatening look from John, though, was enough to silence both of them.
Next, Amanda appeared on screen. Her long dark hair was a shadow against the backdrop of the bathtub and white tiles and she laughed when Matthews appeared to twirl her around like a ballerina.
"I hated Eric when I met him. Really, I even tried to kill him. But thanks to John's methods, I realized that my hate was more than pure blood lust, it was blood love. Thanks John, you're just the mentor I needed."
After another carefully sequenced twirl, Matthew's appeared front and center.
"Attempted murder aside, Amanda has made me a better person. She brings out my emotional side and has shown me that real men can cry. Thanks John."
The two lovebirds in the corner snuggled closer and Amanda didn't even mind when Eric drenched her hair with his tears.
Jill's voice came back on next, along with a collage of images of all three couples.
"Are you looking for your missing piece? Find it, at . John Kramer has helped all of these couples find true happiness." There was a dramatic pause before she continued. "And, if you're willing to play his game, he can help you too. All it takes is one visit to the website and five hundred dollars to start. Do it now and find your missing piece, today."
As the commercial ended and the screen faded to black, the couples all applauded. Matthews cheered, overzealously, and John stood up to take a bow -his black hood falling over his head in a dramatic gesture.
"Thank you everyone. I couldn't have done it without any of you. You are truly my inspiration."
"We love you John!" Amanda called out from her corner and Matthews sent her yet another glare, his face beginning to turn red again. Amanda ignored him and clasped her hands together in excitement. "So who's ready for some cake?"
"Wait, there's cake?" Adam's eyes lit up immediately and he bolted from his place next to Lawrence and into the kitchen.
"But no one's even touched my famous vegetable dip yet…" Lawrence moaned as he stood up to follow his lover.
John turned to follow the two men but stopped when he realized that two of his subjects hadn't said one good word about his commercial. Annoyed, he looked to the far corner of the room to see Strahm and Hoffman in a full on make out session. They fell against the wall and practically knocked over his favorite reverse bear trap- sentimental to him, as it was the first he'd ever made.
John cleared his throat loudly and, when this didn't work, he said one word in an elevated and familiar voice that got the attention of both men.
"Bathroom."
Strahm fell back from Hoffman and smoothed out his hair, a nervous fumble to his usual strut. Hoffman, proud as ever, stood tall but with wide eyes that appeared slightly more concerned than usual. He fixed his suit jacket and nodded in John's direction, silently.
"Sorry John, got a little carried away with the excitement of the commercial." Strahm apologized. He looked from John to Hoffman and back to John again. "I'm…gonna…there's cake." He pointed towards the kitchen and began his walk of shame.
Hoffman flashed a smug grin and followed, with John not far behind. When they reached the kitchen they saw a mess that was worse than what Lawrence left behind after he cut off his foot.
Red frosting. And it was everywhere – on the cabinets, floor, and even the monitors for the security cameras. Amanda looked on, her face morphing into a more horrific expression than when she found Matthews trying to meditate that one time. Adam and Lawrence stood aside, both wide eyed with terrifying flashbacks of a severed limb. Matthews, for once, appeared calm and content. It could have been because he was on his cell phone talking to his son – who had finally returned one of his twenty plus calls that day.
"What is the meaning of this?" John roared and looked from subject to subject, trying to decide who he should chain up first and how he was going to find room for all of them in one bathroom.
"I didn't do it, I swear." Adam responded. He was used to taking the blame, mostly because it was usually his fault. Before anyone else could defend themselves, though, a raspy squeal was heard from the entrance behind them. They all stood, open mouthed, as they recognized the ear piercing sound.
"Zepp!" John roared and turned around to see the small rat-like man in the corner. His hands and clothing were covered in red frosting and he flashed a devious smile that made Adam cower into Lawrence's chest even more.
"Congratulations John! I did it for you in honor of your work! Don't you like it?" He was thoroughly proud of the mess he had made and his beady eyes nearly leaped from their sockets. "You're just such an interesting person I thought that you deserved something beautiful." He licked a portion of frosting from his fingers, the creepy smile remaining, and Amanda cringed. Strahm gagged and even Hoffman changed his usually permanent expression to one of disgust.
John collected himself and cleared his throat. "Right, well thank you Zepp. This is quite the gift. In fact, I think I owe you a very special thank you. Would you mind accompanying me for a moment?"
Zepp jumped up and down like a child and giggled in a way a child never should. He eagerly followed John through the doorway and down the dreaded hallway. John gestured to Amanda, who followed silently behind. She had a difficult time hiding her excitement for the upcoming assignment.
And when they were halfway down the hallway, Matthews dropped the cell phone from his ear and shouted after them.
"Hey John! My son, Daniel, saw your commercial. He asked if you could help him too. Do you think it would be possible to kidnap Justin Beiber?"