"What's the matter?"
Her question was met with silence. Callie knew her wife. Ex-wife. The woman was vicious in bed, like an animal in heat. They shared a voracious appetite for sex throughout their relationship, and it only increased after their marriage. The only lull in this routine was the period after the amputation, but they picked up the slack soon after.
Callie realised that her Arizona isn't that person anymore. Instead of her sat on the couch another Arizona, who almost had a panic attack the moment Callie broke away from their suspiciously awkward kiss, to nibble on her neck.
She looked again. No, she hadn't read the signs wrong. Arizona's cheeks were redder, she could almost see the pulse jackhammering at the base of her fair throat. Her breathing was laboured, her breasts accentuating the fact sensuously. Her pupils were dilated, making the serene blue shade look dark and stormy. She knew Arizona's arousal like the back of her hand; this was a textbook case.
So why did the woman, the woman who once used to devour her alive, react so badly to a simple gesture like this?
Over the course of their renewed virtual courtship over the last couple of months, they'd texted. Often sexted, occasionally swapped nudes. The lame kiss was a red flag; her Arizona kissed like she didn't want to breathe anymore, like every kiss was their last. This Arizona just let her mouth stay there, receiving Callie's ministrations, like an awkward partner to an accomplished dancer.
She sighed. They had to talk. They weren't young anymore. Sex didn't fix everything.
So she asked her again.
"Arizona, honey, what happened? Why did you...react like that?"
The silence was in startling contrast to the restlessness of her fingers, pulling and twisting at each other.
"I-I'm sorry, Callie. I didn't mean to. I'm s-sorry. I don't... I... Nothing. Just, sorry."
She expected little things to change, of course. Like Arizona having new friends. Of her having learnt new things. New habits, new routines, new preferences. She wanted to know it all, get acquainted with this woman, and fall in love with her all over again. And here she was, shocked to her core, even after being so 'open' to changes.
"It's late. I-I should leave. Your shift starts at 7 tomorrow. I have to unpack. Oh god, I still have to unpack. I hate unpacking. So much stuff. Reminds me of the Colonel's old days, and my childhood. Shit, I'm sorry. I should just go. You have a g-good night, Callie."
Callie chuckled. Many things had changed. But not everything, for the woman still held on to two things: her hatred for packing, and her utter lack of control over rambling.
She stood up from her seat, taking a step towards the standing woman, who was talking herself into leaving. She extended her hand and took Arizona's in it, but her heart broke a little when she saw the little flinch Arizona did when their hands met.
She wondered what happened to the bravest, baddest yet cutest bitch she'd ever known.
She tightened her grip over Arizona's wrist, feeling the pulse jump, but keeping it firm. She pulled her towards herself, till they slowly closed the distance between themselves, till their foreheads rested against each others', till their breaths mingled. She lifted the other hand to cup her lover's flushed face.
"Did I do something, love? I kissed you, and you held onto me like you never wanted to let go, but you didn't kiss me back. I moved lower, to your softest spot, and you recoiled. You panicked, Arizona. What did I do?"
"Nothing. You did nothing, Calliope. It's my fault, I think I'm not... I don't think I can do this anymore. It's just so... scary."
"Us? You cannot do us?"
"NO! No. I mean, this. Sex. I d-don't think I can have sex anymore. I, I'm sorry. I don't know."
"What?"
This is not what she expected. She leads them back to the couch, sits down, and pulls Arizona onto her lap. Gently rubbing her nose against the fair, dimpled cheek, Callie voices out the myriad of questions that took root in her mind, within mere seconds of the confession.
"D-did something happen? You can tell me, you know. I just... God Arizona did someone...?"
"What? No, god no, nothing happened. I just... I haven't had sex in 4 years, Calliope."
She choked on her own thoughts for a moment.
"What?"
"Yeah. 4 years. Celibacy and all, haha" she nervously laughed. Callie gulped, mathematics making the implications known.
"So..."
"You were my last, yes."
Her eyebrows rose on their own accord, for her brain had been electrocuted.
Arizona There-will-be-people-lining-up-for-me Robbins, celibate, since 4 long years. The woman who cried during periods because she was horny and her wife was irresistibly hot. The woman who broke hearts even after she wore a wedding ring. The woman who could melt anyone into a puddle, straight or gay.
Her lesbian goddess wasn't touched by anybody after her. The thought both turned her on, and scared her to death. Her long-borne jealousy was laid to rest; nobody to compete with for Arizona's love. On the other hand, this was extremely unlike Arizona.
"Wow. Uh, okay. I, um, I don't know what to say. What the hell? 4 years? You, Zona, you who cried outside the bathroom once when I was mad and wouldn't let you touch me?"
She giggles. A warmth spreads inside Callie's chest, at the sound of that giggle she so dearly missed.
"I don't know, Callie. After you, I went into therapy. She told me not to use sex as a crutch. That I shouldn't give my body away so easily, or build relationships on it. So I became more cautious about it. But then, somewhere along the line, I think I developed some intimacy issues? I don't know. Even the thought of hugging someone who isn't family sets my teeth on the edge. And you, you're family but there, a few moments ago, you felt like a stranger. For a moment, I freaked. I couldn't stop myself from reacting that way, even if I've been more intimate with you than anybody else."
She moves to face Callie, to look her in the eye.
"I love you, Calliope, I always have, but this... I cannot control. I hate it, I hate that I cannot just normally fall back in love, that all the walls I put up after you are keeping me away from us. But then, you're also the reason those walls are there, you know? I cannot take them down anymore."
Callie saw the dejected desperation in her eyes, and guilt flooded her full force. She made Arizona like this. She was the one that broke her. She was the one Arizona loved, the one after whom she never loved anybody else.
Her hand unconsciously moves to sweep the blonde bangs off her forehead, and tuck it behind her ear. She left her hand there, running through the loose locks, fingertips gently caressing the scalp; she knew it soothed Arizona.
Suddenly, Arizona spoke again.
"Richard took me to trivia, I met people, I went on dates. The same ones your lawyer slut-shamed me about."
Callie's hand dropped, as if they were weighed down by guilt.
"I don't want to make you feel bad about it. Just saying. I went out. It hardly went beyond one date, and the ones I met more ended up becoming good friends. I never took anyone home. For a while, watching you in love with Penny, I told myself that I must move on. After you left, I realised I didn't want to try anymore. I had nothing to prove, nobody to be jealous of. I could keep loving you without wondering if someone can see it."
She took Callie's fallen hand into her own, and tangled their fingers.
"After you left, I realised I didn't want to love anybody else. The morning after I went home with Carina, everyone breathed a sigh of relief that I've finally moved on. But I hadn't, only she and I knew that. She kissed me, and I cried. Then she cried. We spent the night half-undressed talking about the lost loves of our lives. I loved her, you know, and her promiscuous nature and quirky occupation made everyone believe I was having hot Italian sex, and we played along. We were just two people bonding over broken hearts. I love her, because nobody understands me like that, and I know she feels the same."
Callie knew it was no threat, that she was the only one who held Arizona's heart, but the woman's voice saying she loved somebody else made her heart ache. She wondered how Arizona did it; listen to her making fake claims about Penny's and her love.
"It's not your fault, Calliope, I'm not blaming you for anything. I cheated, I slept with the intern, I dropped every fucking chance you gave me at a happily ever after. At one point during those bedridden days, I wondered if you hated having a useless, thankless wife. I deserve this. I just hate that it's going to keep me away from you yet again. I mean, I should be thankful that this is happening right? After everything, I was sure you hate me. Yet, apparently not. Haven't I hurt you enough for a lifetime?"
Arizona's sad smile sends chills down her spine; the belief she had over this self-subjected damnation was scary. She forgot how passionate Arizona was, about little and big things alike. Apparently hating herself was also done with fiery passion.
"Baby shh, I love you, don't say that! I never hated you, I don't know why you'd think that? God I could never hate you Arizona, not even when we were in the most heated of our fights!"
A disbelieving chuckle left Arizona's throat before she could stop herself.
"You divorced me, Calliope. We went to therapy, we made it through a difficult month of separation, and when I realised how I cannot lose you ever again, you decided you don't need me anymore. I suffocated you. I choked the happiness, the life in you. I had made love to my wife a night before, but it was just a goodbye fuck to you. If that wasn't enough, you took me to court and tried to take away our daughter from me, because you fell in love and wanted to move away. Sometimes I hate that I was weak, that I gave up on Sofia so easily, that I didn't give her the stable childhood she deserves. I guess I'm not that great of a parent either, huh, loving the mother more than the child herself? I don't know Calliope, you tell me, if this isn't hatred, what is it?"
Arizona's body wrecked with sobs so powerful, Callie could feel the tremors of it. She held Arizona tighter, their hearts beating against each others', and stayed that way until the sobs ebbed to sniffles, until Arizona's face left its hiding place in the crook of Callie's neck. They stayed like that, an uneasy yet comfortable tangle of limbs, until calmness seeped into them.
"The last person who touched me, was my wife. I was still your wife the last time we made love. If this is how it is going to be for the rest of my life, I'm happy about it. In my head, the divorce doesn't matter. You didn't stop being my wife because you didn't want me anymore. So yeah, if I die today, or tomorrow, or 40 years later, I will die knowing that I truly loved once, even if I was unfaithful, even if I broke my vows, even if I destroyed her life. Sex, it used to mean a lot before you happened to me. Not anymore. It's a beautiful thing, but I just don't find satisfaction in it anymore. I do masturbate, I text you and I think of you, but in my fantasies you're my wife, not just my child's other mother, or somebody else's ex-girlfriend, in some other part of the country. It may be bizarre to you, but nothing happened. Nobody turned me off sex. I still like sex, the thought of you turns me on, and I know you saw it today. It's just that, you're Calliope, but you're not mine anymore. Neither am I yours. We're different people now. I don't want to lose my heart to a stranger who looks like my wife, and regret having the peace that I have now, even if it comes from my imagination."
Callie was at a loss. She mulled over the thought of her wife, the love of her life, loving her quietly over the years. The woman she called a slut in the halls of Grey Sloan Memorial, the woman her lawyer shamed in front of her colleagues and the court. The woman who still had the heart to put Callie's happiness above her own, and her child's. It was the same woman who stood up for her against Carlos, the same woman who loves the child she had with another man. The same woman who gave up her biggest professional dream, because she loved her too much.
They were different people now. Arizona didn't drink anymore, and hates butter and syrup on her pancakes - an old favourite combination. At times, she is an unrecognisable person dwelling inside her ex-wife's body.
But then, some things just don't change. And one of those, about them, was their love for each other.
So Callie picked her lover up bridal style, Arizona's hands instinctively curling around the Latina's shoulders, and led them to the bedroom. As she lay Arizona down, she sensed the tension in Arizona's body, and knew the conflict raging in the blonde's pretty head. She laid a platonic kiss on her forehead, tucked her in, and walked to her side of the bed and got in. As she switched the lights off, she sensed Arizona shift, and face her.
"Cal-"
"Tonight, you sleep in my arms. I will hold you, and we can talk, or cry, or take a walk down the memory lane together. Or just sleep. Tomorrow morning, I will ask you to marry me, and then we'll go to the city hall, and I will make you my wife again. I'll spend the day taking you around the city, to different things here that have made me think of you. Shops, or kids, or benches or flowers or the view atop a building, everything. And you'll tell me everything that I've missed out about your life, so that we're not strangers anymore. Then tomorrow, by this time, I'll bring my new bride home, and make love to her till dawn comes. Twenty four hours, Arizona. Give me twenty four hours, and I will fix everything."
Arizona slowly snuggles into Callie's side, and a tan arm comes round to pull her closer to her chest.
"Twenty four hours" she whispers cautiously, as if her tangible words could jinx the possibilities.
"Twenty four hours" Callie repeats reassuringly, knowing it would take much longer to fix everything, but it was a start.
A/N: Hey guys, totally not my regular genre, so sorry if this is disappointing to you. It's a story I've had in mind for a couple of years now, and it is slightly unfaithful to the original Grey's storyline. Do let me know what you thought about it, thank you for reading! :)