SUSPENSION
Ianto likened it to open heart surgery without an anaesthetic, he backed himself into the corner of his bedroom and jammed his fist into his mouth to stifle the howl of distress that was lodged in his raw throat. In all the time he had worked with Torchwood he had not done the one thing he had dreaded. He wasn't certain how he managed to avoid it, especially since starting at Torchwood 3, but finally the act had been committed and he was entirely responsible. Two people were dead. Never mind the fact that Lisa had finally succumb to the Cyber control and literally murdered them, ultimately Ianto was responsible. Murder by proxy? Murder by default? Murder, whichever way you looked at it. Grief and guilt, Ianto understood both those things only too well, they slept with him every night, embraced his days like a shadow and had done for months. Somehow he had functioned on autopilot, now he just shut down.
Owen stood in the door way looking down at the pitiful mess in the corner. He was at a loss. He remembered in his own times in a similar state and wanted to turn away from Ianto and the memory, but he couldn't. He wasn't a compassionate man by nature but even he could not turn his back on this. So he stood there waiting for an opening, hoping , somewhat vainly, for Ianto to acknowledge his presence there. He took a moment to suck in a long steadying breath and glance around the sterile impersonal bedroom that was so Ianto. The space was as unreadable as the young man himself. His gaze fell back to his colleague, still in the clothes he had been sent home in four days previously, the stench of sweat and stale blood was overwhelming. He could hear Jack in the kitchen opening and closing cupboards but then was suddenly aware of his bosses' presence at his side.
"There's nothing in the house. I'm gonna ring Gwen and get her to do a trip to the supermarket. Sort him out and come straight back to the Hub."
Owen nodded. "Retcon?"
Jack was hesitating, Owen could sense it in the held breath. "No, he's going to pay for what he has done." Came the bitter reply. Owen heard him turn and leave. Damn, what the hell was he supposed to do now? Cautiously he edged forwards dropping his med bag on the overly neatly made bed.
"Ianto?"
With his fist now covered in deep teeth marks the young man looked up at Owen and the medic sincerely wished that he hadn't.
"Get out!"
The scream surprised Owen and he was totally unprepared as Ianto launched himself to his feet and flung himself at Owen sending them both to the floor. Ianto grabbed at his clothes forcing him back up to his feet.
"Get the fuck out. Get out."
He reached and grabbed Owen's kit thrusting it into his grasp and pushing him at the same time to towards the front door of his flat.
"Ianto! Stop. I need to che...."
"Get out of my house!"
A moment later he was on the doorstep, bag in hand the locks being secured on the other side of the double glazed door. Owen was gobsmacked. Ianto showing what he was really capable of, a strength of will and physical power that none of them believed he had. Truth was, they had never asked. Owen swallowed guiltily. It didn't last long, the wanker had tried to kill them after all. He walked away deciding it wasn't worth the effort.
Ianto sank down to the carpet shaking with the effort, lack of food and drink finally making him aware of the need to get up again. He didn't move and finally drifted off into a haze as he leaned against the front door. Some hours later he didn't hear Gwen's voice through the letter box or feel her attempts to unlock his front door.
Gwen sighed with worry and frustration. With the two carrier bags at her feet she got out the keys that Jack had given her and tried the lock wholly aware of the neighbour's curtain twitching. The door gave slightly then jammed and she noticed the chain through the gap, quite a substantial one and she fleetingly wondered whether or not she should kick the door in. She called his name and got no response and her internal alarm bells starting to ring wildly, she remembered these kind of situations from her police days and knew they never boded well. Gwen yanked her mobile from her pocket and dialled Jack's number, gorgeous Jack, he was all she could think about and then there was Owen lying with her in the.....
"Gwen, what's up?"
God that accent. "I can't get into Ianto's flat, he's not answering. I'm worried."
She heard his tired and exasperated sigh. "Fine, come back to the Hub, leave him be."
"Jack? He could be dead in there."
"That's his problem, get back to the Hub."
Gwen nodded. "Ok." She hung up and grabbed the bags of shopping and did as she was told.
It was the smell that finally brought him to his senses. He was wrenched into consciousness by the need to vomit. Ianto flopped onto his side and dry retched painfully, gasping for air. Eventually he hauled himself to unsteady feet, his head swimming with nausea and staggered in the direction of the bathroom. He yanked off his offensive smelling clothes and threw them to the floor and spent the next hour standing under a scalding jet of water scrubbing at his skin with a loofa and shower gel, watching Lisa's blood disappear down the sink hole along with the tattered remains of his life. He leant forward on his elbows against the slick tiles, tears lost in the hot water. He didn't remember getting out and dry or putting on a clean set of casual clothes. When he eventually found some sense awareness he discovered he was on a bus heading out to the West coast.
Jack was not surprised to find Ianto's flat empty. He took note of the abandoned pile of filthy clothes on the bathroom floor and the absence of Ianto's wallet and keys in the tiny living space. The mobile phone was in pieces having been obviously hurled against the wall. Jack sighed realising somewhat belatedly that he probably should not have left Ianto to deal with his grief alone. He was still livid at the betrayal, but as angry at himself as he was at Ianto. How had he not seen this coming? It was like Suzie all over again. Was he so incompetent? Jack noted there were almost no possessions in the flat, just a Torchwood issue laptop sitting on the kitchen bench. No TV, one couch and one bed and a half dozen or so unpacked boxes scattered about the lounge floor. A testament to Ianto's misery and loneliness. Jack sighed and went back to the hallway to retrieve the grocery shopping that Gwen had attempted to bring earlier. He placed the bags on the counter top and took a glance out of the kitchen window and then at his watch. Almost mid night. It was raining and windy outside. Shit, and Jack actually began to worry. He'd denied his responsibility to this man for almost five days, wallowing in his own self pity and allowing his anger to consume him. The bottom line, he had failed once again to see the obvious and in hind sight it had been pretty bloody obvious that something had been wrong with Ianto from day one. He had put it down to Canary Wharf Survivors Syndrome and concentrated on looking at Ianto's pert arse. The boy had been a master tease, but had never succumb and Jack had become obsessed with the challenge instead of reading the signals for what they really were.... deflection, distraction and the loudest silent cry for help with those trusting eyes that Jack had mistaken for lust. Pain and lust, common bed fellows in his life one used to relieve the other in varying combinations. Jack sat on the couch in the semi darkness and waited. He needed to fix this. He needed to salve his conscience and most of all he needed to repair the damage done to his relationship with the youngest member of his team and quite possibly the most traumatised. Jack had not dared to look into Ianto's eyes since he put bullets into Lisa. He knew what he would see. The hatred he could live with. The emptiness..... That didn't warrant thinking about, especially in some one as young as Ianto. The boy was probably damaged beyond repair.
A text arrived from Owen at 2:15 am. Jack realised he had been drifting on the edge of what passed for him as sleep when his phone beeped.
'any sign?'
'no' Jack sent back. He dumped the phone and decided to make himself a cup of coffee. He searched through Gwen's shopping, instant coffee..... oh well, it would have to do for now.
Tosh sighed and finally shut down her computer. "There's no sign of him anywhere Owen. I've checked all the City wide CCTV feeds and nothing has come through from the police or hospital computers. I hope he's ok."
Owen handed her a cup of coffee. "One thing we can be sure of, he's definitely not ok. Jack should've Retconned the poor fucker and dumped him at Providence Park. He's probably gone and topped himself somewhere nice and quiet."
"That's cruel thing to say, Owen."
"The truth usually is Tosh. Jack fucked up. Ianto massively fucked up and the rest of us stood back and let it happen. I'm his fucking Doctor Tosh and I didn't see that coming."
Tosh was surprised at the admission of guilt. "I betrayed this country to save my mother Owen and did exactly what Ianto did, lied to my friends and colleagues and UNIT didn't give me a second chance. Jack did. I just hope he's not too late for Ianto."
The incoming extreme of the tide lapped at Ianto's trainers. He was wet anyway, soaked through in fact. Every time he went to the beach it rained. It never lessened his love of the ocean though. Even in the deep darkness of a wet cloudy night the sound of the waves would calm him and give him the space he needed to think or not to think. The even surges of sound would always sooth his frayed nerves. It was the one thing he had missed when he lived in Cambridge and London. The sound of the sea, it reminded him of Lisa's post coital breathing and the serene calm that had stolen over him in her presence. How many times had he drowned in her scent? He lay back on the damp sand and stared into the night ignoring the rawness in his dry throat and acidic burning of his empty stomach. This suspension in calm was all the nourishment he needed right now, his memories and nostalgia and walking with his Tad and his dog along this very same beach ten years before all the madness had descended on his life. His Tad had been so devastated by Ianto's criminal conviction.... a stupid peer group pressure attempt to fit in. Ianto had promised his Tad after that never to let him down again. He worked hard and his parents saved to get him into Cambridge, his Tad's dream. All Ianto had wanted was to be a tailor like him. Ianto had never understood why his Tad was ashamed of his own profession, why he wanted Ianto to be some high flying something in London. It had all been for him and he hadn't lived long enough to see it. So many lives snuffed out of existence and Ianto was glad his Tad had died before it had all started.
Ianto was not surprised to find Jack on his couch when he lurched into his flat at five am. He must have looked a wreck because Jack was up on his feet guiding him to sit the moment he stepped in the door. Ianto shrugged him off along with his wet denim jacket and sank down on to his sofa. He was cold and damp and needed another shower.
"What do you want sir?"
Jack handed him a mug of coffee. "I was worried."
Ianto arched his eyebrows at the mug in his hand. "Is this drugged?"
Jack shook his head and sat down on the carpet a short distance between them. It could have been a gaping chasm.
Ianto blew across the coffee to cool it and wrinkled his nose at the bitter smell. "You sent Gwen shopping then."
Jack couldn't help but smile. "Its not that bad."
"Its instant, what's good about it?"
"Just be grateful." His smile dissipated.
"For what exactly? Why are you here?" Ianto took a sip and his gut clenched in protest the moment the liquid got down that far. Ianto put the mug down.
"Like I said. I was worried."
Ianto snorted at that. "Guilty more like. Too busy looking at people's arses to see what's going on around you."
Jack glared at him.
"Truth hurts doesn't it, sir?"
"You didn't trust us. You didn't trust me and you used us." He stated with feeling.
"You're shit at your job you know. Suzy found out what I was doing a week after I started. She bribed me, got me to use that glove, said I was a natural and I ended up teaching her how to control it's power. She kept my secret and I kept hers, though I gotta admit if I had've known she was a serial killer..... Yeah that was a shock. But she had me figured, even helped me calibrate Lisa's life support....."
Jack could feel his heart grow colder with every word but he remained silent, Ianto was actually talking for once and it made a refreshing change to actually have someone stand up to him whether he liked what was said or not.
"You Jack.... all you saw was an opportunity. Someone to chase and seduce, another mark on your bedpost. You're a sexual predator Jack and you disgust me as much as I disgust myself for taking advantage of it. You make so many mistakes, you see people but you don't read them and attempt to know them. People are just commodities for you to use, expendable tools and toys."
Ianto leaned his head back against the couch, a headache was threatening, probably due to low sugar levels he guessed.
"It's funny you know. I really expected to feel hatred toward you, but all I feel is pity. You have no real idea what love truly is, how perfect it can be. You sit there in your office, biding your time for God only knows what...."
Jack's head snapped up at that, and Ianto noticed straight away.
"I'm not stupid Jack, young maybe, but not the idiot you all take me for. You're waiting for something or someone and when it comes you'll be gone. You're secrets are far darker than mine, far dirtier and you are the greatest betrayer of all, or at least you will be when you run out on us."
"What makes you say that?"
"I know a man who is lost when I see one. I see him in the mirror every day."
Jack had the decency to look away guiltily.
"Thought so." Ianto got up from the couch and wandered through to his kitchen. He inspected the contents of the shopping bags and his fridge.
"Want some breakfast?"
Jack was there at his side a moment later. "Sure why not?"
They stared at one another for a moment. "You gonna be coming back to work?"
Deflection. "You seriously want me back?" Ianto pulled out his toaster from the cupboard.
"You're useful."
"Ringing endorsement then. There's nowhere else for me to go and I owe Dr Tanizaki and Annie that much at least. I'll never go to prison for killing them so I may as well serve my time at Torchwood." Ianto replied.
Jack sagged inside. "I'm sorry you see it that way."
Ianto froze and rested his hands on the counter top. "How else shall I see it when I work with four people who don't even notice that I am even there, that never look up and thank me when I give them their coffee or a requested file.... not even your oh so big bleeding heart Gwen can manage a few manners. There's no kindness in that place, no reason to WANT to be there. I have more intelligent conversations with the dinosaur and the only conversations I get out of you are about sex. You are all so wrapped up in yourselves, it's why it was so easy for Suzie and me. She took time to look me in the eyes when I gave her a file or a mug of coffee and she thanked me, she noticed me for the pathetically desperate individual that I was."
"I really had no idea."
"That much is obvious.... like I said too busy wrapped up in your own agenda." Ianto set about preparing their breakfast now in silence as Jack found tea bags and made tea instead of coffee.
"You really are quite extraordinary, you know."
Ianto turned and faced him properly for the first time. "And you are a bloody fool. If you want Torchwood to survive and function effectively you have to get to know your team.... and I don't mean shagging them. You have to give them reason to trust you."
"Are you willing to trust me?"
Ianto couldn't help but see the plea in Jack's darkened eyes.
"You were right about Lisa, she did die in London, or least most of her did, but you handled it badly. Both of us died that day. I know you can't stay dead and somehow you managed to bring me back too. I think it's something..... it is something you shouldn't keep from the people who put their lives at risk every day for you. You're a lie in yourself, an untruth of nature. I don't understand it, don't want to and I suspect neither do you."
Ianto had no idea how much danger he was in at that point. Jack had killed a number of times to protect that secret, but somehow it was a relief to hear it spoken back to him from the mouth of this man, possibly the only one who could understand the depth of pain that his immortality caused him.
"How did you find out?"
Ianto frowned at the shaky edge to Jack's voice. "Observation. I looked Jack. I'm good at that; even Suzy didn't see it after three years of knowing you. So, how old are you in fact?"
Jack shrugged. "Lost count after I hit 150. Still looking good though."
Ianto shook his head in exasperation and passed Jack a plate of buttered toast.
"Thanks."
Ianto grabbed the mugs of tea and they went back and sat on the couch the plate of toast between them.
"My question still stands Ianto. Are you coming back to work?" Jacked asked between mouthfuls.
Ianto nodded being a far more dainty eater than Jack he actually swallowed his food before speaking.
"Yes. I don't suppose the others want me there, but they'll get used to it."
"And you and I?"
Ianto nearly gagged on his tea. "There is no you and I."
"I beg to differ....."
"You want me for sex?"
Jack shoved more toast into his mouth. "Wouldn't say no, but I was kinda hoping we COULD actually get to know one another a bit first."
Ianto threw him an icy look. "Give it up Jack why don't you shag Gwen instead?"
"She's got a boyfriend. I maybe 'a sexual predator' but I do not steal other people's partners, its more hassle than it's worth. Any way I don't want her. I want you."
"And Jack Harkness always gets what he wants, right?"
Jack nodded. "Right."
"Wrong."
AN: AM REALLY NOT SURE ABOUT THIS PIECE, WOULD WELCOME SOME FEEDBACK. THANKS.