Disclaimer: I don't own Gakuen Alice.
Claimer: This fan fiction and all errors it might contain are mine.
This is an entry to Hilaire's Gakuen Alice Fan Fiction Challenge#3: The Art of Letting Go. The prompt is to interpret the line: "They say that if you truly love a person, you will let that person go, no matter how much it hurts you."
Title: When It Rains
Summary: I was always there. I was there when she dumped him. I was the one who comforted him and convinced him that he's not garbage. I was the one who cleaned up the mess she made. I was the one who held him up when he was so down. Even I ask myself 'Why am I doing this?' Why? Because I'm his best friend and I will do everything just to make him happy even if it means getting hurt.
The scene in front of me was just mind-blowing.
Koko, my current boyfriend, was right there kissing the very girl that crushed his world and broke him.
I staggered backwards, stepping on a twig. It snapped and caused the kissing couple to turn.
His eyes widened when he saw who witnessed the scene.
"S-Sumire…I-I..." he stammered.
Taking a deep breath I made my way to them. An ironic smile crossed my lips. "Heh. I always knew you still loved her you twat." I turned to the girl, smiled, and shook her hands. "I'm happy for the two of you. Best wishes." I turned away and walked fast.
She seemed baffled by my reaction. I bet she expected me to lash out on her, or slap her. Maybe as an instinctive move, she wrapped her arms around Koko. Well I wasn't going to do any of those. I know what she was trying to do, trying to look innocent so people would pity her. Pathetic. I'm not going down on her level.
It seemed Koko had removed her arms around him. I could sense him following me down the hallway, calling, "Sumire look, I- I can explain I—"
I stopped dead and turned to him. I sighed "What now?"
"Let me explain."
I looked at him incredulously. "What the hell are you saying idiot?" Crossing my arms in front of me, I continued, "What are you going to explain about?"
"What happened back there...I-I..." his eyes were cast downwards, stammering and biting his lower lip – just like every time he does when he did something drastic.
A sigh once again escaped my lips. Running a hand through my hair, I walked towards him and flicked his forehead.
He looked at me.
"I always knew this was going to happen."
Koko's eyes widened. He looked down again with a guilty expression. "I'm sorry."
I snorted. "You idiot," I said. "Didn't we agree that we would only see if this relationship would work?"
Koko looked up at my words. "Yeah but—"
"So we didn't work out. Big deal. It's not like we can't be friends anymore right?"
Koko sighed "That is what I was so afraid of."
Somehow, in spite of my current predicament, I managed to pull what looked to be a genuine smile. "Idiot. We've been friends since we were kids, best friends even, and that's not about to end just because of a girl okay?" I smirked "Now go on. Go back to Audrey-san, she's waiting for you." I took hold of his shoulders and turned him around. I nearly spat at my next statement. "Now don't blow this up okay?!"
The goofy grin was back. "Yeah, yeah." He took a few hasty steps forward, paused, and glanced over his shoulder. "So does this mean we're breaking up?"
I fought the strong urge to wince 'Well it's not like I have a choice now, do I? ' is what I wanted to say. But not wanting him to feel guilty, I decided to joke about it. "Yes you moron. Can't you take a hint? I don't like you anymore. Now scram!"
Koko laughed before walking back to the girl. He had the nerve to give me a wave.
My gaze followed his back until he was out of sight, happy with her again. And me…
I smiled ironically, well me? I'm just back to being his best friend.
Deciding it was over, I made my way back to my room. I felt my knees go weak as soon as I entered my room, and I plopped down on my bed. I could feel a hot stinging sensation at the back of my eyes. Soon, something wet trickled down my cheeks. I raised my hands and felt the liquid streaming down my face. It was also probably messing my mascara.
And that's when I realized I was crying.
Why the fuck am I crying?
I grabbed a tissue from my bedside and wiped the mess on my face. Just when I thought it was over, flashbacks of what happened earlier replayed on my head. Waterworks resumed without delay.
How I managed to smile at the girl, shake her hand, and even joke with Koko, I had no idea. But I couldn't admit it to myself. I couldn't admit that I lost.
I rubbed my face with my hands and managed to get rid of some of the tears. But somehow, the tears just wouldn't stop.
I couldn't believe what was happening to me. I couldn't believe I just stood by the sidelines and watched. It was ironic, to think I fought for my 'love' with Natsume and Ruka for years. But when I finally felt it, the reality of the emotion I thought I had had…I just let it slip from my fingers. I had just let Koko get taken from me.
A flashback of a memory a year and a half ago entered my mind, and I couldn't help but smile at the irony of it all.
A whisper.
"Cute."
A few heads turn and snickers on both sides of me could be heard.
"Gorgeous."
Another bout of heads turns and this time I too had join the snickering duo.
"Hey Koko how about—"
"Hottie," Koko said at the exact moment Kitsuneme turned his head. Koko and I burst out laughing.
"Man, Kitsu," Koko snickered as our laughter died down. Shaking his head, he continued, "I never thought you'd fall for it, dude."
Kitsuneme simply shrugged and grinned boyishly. "What can I say?" He flicked the collar of his shirt rather haughtily. "I always knew I was hot stuff."
Koko and I exchanged looks before laughter erupted once more.
"Sexy," Koko blurted once again at the exact time I turned to face him.
The two twin-like friends laughed. I was too stunned to even react.
"Hey that's not fair!" I reasoned "I was gonna ask you something when you suddenly piped up!"
"Aw Permy," Kitsuneme sighed, putting an arm over me. "Just admit that you fell for it too."
With a smile playing on my lips, I shook my head and brushed the arm draped over my shoulder. Through the years, I have learned to deal with Koko and Kitsuneme without exploding or scratching either one of them on the face. Yeah sure, I used to be annoyed at their childish antics but when you're in high school and everything seems serious, you need something to lighten up the mood every once in a while.
And it just so happens that I was 'conveniently' put it the middle seat with the two clowns on each side since the first year of high school up to now on our last year and as much as I hate to admit it, it is kinda fun.
Okay so I admit it's a lot fun, but it would be Doom's Day before I would even admit that out loud. And hell, was I just glad Koko got an Alice control device.
"Okay fine so I fell for it," I sighed, surrendering. Playing my part, I flicked my hair. "But I always knew I was sexy and that deep down you two always had got the hots for me."
Kitsuneme and Koko looked at each other weirdly, and eventually, we all burst out laughing.
When the laughter ceased, I heard Kitsuneme whisper something that somehow managed to wipe the goofy smile off of Koko's face.
"Audrey."
Koko didn't look at him. Instead, he looked dazed one second and smiling rather ironically the next. He just looked the other way.
"Hey now, man." Kitsuneme stood from his seat only to sit on the table. He hit Koko on the head. "Don't take it to heart!"
The goofy smile resurfaced, but it was different. Somehow I could feel that it didn't reach his eyes like it usually did.
I looked at Kitsuneme, who had a guilty face. And when I asked him why he just smiled sheepishly
Audrey Morishima; mid-back black hair, round face, rosy cheeks and pinkish lips. With a bubbly personality, she was obviously to be one of the 'it' girls of the batch. She and Koko were a couple from the second year of middle school until halfway through our first year in high school.
Yep. You heard it right. She's Koko's ex.
The truth is, I don't really know what happened between Koko and Audrey. Heck, I hardly know the girl. All I know is that Koko was in love with her since we were in the sixth grade, and he only had the guts to ask her out in middle school.
Class 2-B was separated when we entered middle school and Koko, Kitsuneme, Anna and Nonoko were put in another class while I stayed with the others. It just so happened that Audrey was in the same class as them.
During those times, we hardly get to talk to each other because of our own schedules. We only get to see each other during recess and lunch and occasionally on the corridors. Last thing I heard was them breaking up, and I heard from the rumors that it was Audrey who had ended it.
Despite Koko being my best friend I never really knew the real story. Because I never really asked. Because it was not my business and I didn't want to be a meddling little bitch. Because it would be damn awkward. Because I don't care. Because…because…
Because I was scared. I was scared to ask him all along because I was afraid to see him break down, to see that usual goofy smile upside down.
It was fine really, after all as the saying goes, 'Ignorance is bliss.' Until one day, until that one faithful day…
We were nearing the end of our first year in high school. I always went home late because of extra-curricular activities, cramming for tests and requirements. It was a rainy Wednesday and I had just come out of the gym from volleyball practice. On my way to my dorm, I had to pass the soccer field, and as I turned to gaze momentarily at the huge field, I saw him.
There he was, just lying there in the open field drenched in the rain. My feet moved by itself and before I knew it, I was dragged in the field and I was beside him. I stared down at his miserable state and held my umbrella over him.
I remember him vaguely looking up before sitting up and patting the space next to him, an invitation for me to sit beside him.
Koko had always loved the rain. I hated it. I said it was annoying. He said it was calming and it washes away all the bad feelings and stress. So whenever he wanted to get drenched in the rain, it was either he was really happy, or he had something he wanted to forget. That day I was pretty damn sure it was the latter.
I hate the rain. I really do, but that day I didn't know what came over me. Normally I would shout at him and snootily reply, "I won't have my immaculately ironed uniform be drenched in the rain and be stained by the grass," but instead I sat beside him still holding the umbrella over us.
He leaned his head on my shoulder. Despite the fact that I knew I would get drenched, I didn't mind; I knew that at that moment he needed me. He needed his best friend.
I tried to lighten the mood by starting a conversation. "So what's eating ya?"
I felt his lips slightly tug upwards before replying. "Nothing."
My face contorted to a frown. "You're out here getting drenched in the rain. It's not nothing if you're out here alone being all emo."
We lapsed in a comfortable silence. The only sound to be heard was the pitter-patter of the rain against my umbrella. The silence lasted for what seemed like hours until he decided to break it.
"Have you ever felt so happy in your life? Like you think you have everything you have ever wanted? And then just about when you think, no, you feel that it's perfect and it might just be the one, something happens and it's taken away from you?"
That time saying that I was at a loss for words was an understatement. Koko never spoke like this before. Usually it was only mindless babbles and funny comments. Never before had he spoken the way he did back then.
"Wh-what are you talking about? Is this some kind of—"
"She broke up with me."
My eyes widened and I immediately shut my mouth. Only moments later, I felt a hot stinging sensation at the back of my eyes. Before long, something hot was trickling down my cheeks. I just didn't know whether it was the rain, because, sometime in the middle of our conversation, I managed to drop the umbrella. We were both drenched by the pouring rain.
A hiccup broke out and I knew I was crying. I didn't know why, but I just suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I wanted to stop because I knew that I was not the one who should be crying, and I was frustrated as hell because he would not even show what he was feeling. He still had that annoying goofy smile plastered on his face, even if, deep down, I knew he was hurting. I could practically feel the pathetic aura radiating from him. And there I was, the one who was perfectly fine and happy, crying with no apparent reason.
I must be going crazy.
"Hey, hey," he cooed, cupping my face and making me face him "Why are you crying, Permy? Is something wrong?" he asked with that goofy smile. But I knew better.
I glared at him through my tears and the droplets of rain on my face. "I'm not crying because of me, stupid." I griped, and with a soft sob, I managed. "I'm crying in your place"
He looked at me with mild surprise. I felt his forehead drop on my shoulder, and next thing I knew his shoulders were shaking. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around him and just let him be.
Something hot and wet dropped on my arms and I knew at that time that it was not the rain.
After that incident, they never talked. Whenever they would pass by each other in the corridors, they act as if they didn't even know each other. It was easy really; after all, they were in separate classes now. And the best part? No one really knew the story. Koko never told anyone unless they ask him, but the responses are always different. When someone asks how they broke up, Koko would just shrug and say, 'We got tired of each other' or 'I dunno. We just don't click I guess' and many more obscene alibis, never the reason. No one really knew except the two of them.
Some people would ask me but as I said I don't really know.
But then weeks after their break up I noticed girls kept giving Koko dirty looks. As if he did something unforgivable and Koko, being an idiot didn't notice of course. He was too naïve for his own good. At first I figured maybe it was just because of his pranks. I always give him that look when he does pranks on me, tenfold of their looks actually.
But one day I heard whispers on the hallway after our gym class
"That Yome" I heard one of them saying as I pass by the locker rooms "I can't believe he's perfectly fine! He acts as if nothing happened!"
'What the?' I thought as I leaned in closer
"Yeah. After what he did to Audrey I can't believe he had the nerve to flirt with Shouda"
I glared at the wall before me. Just what the hell did Koko do? And I can't believe this. They're even dragging me to' her' shit!
"Saying that he loves Audrey one minute and then snogging another girl the next. The player"
To say I was shocked at what I was heard is an understatement. Koko cheated on Audrey?
And that's when I decided that I had enough of this ignorance and that I just had to know why. Why they broke up and who really is to blame.
And I have a strong hunch that it's definitely not Koko.
"Koko, why did you and Audrey break up?" I asked him one sunny afternoon while we were eating parfait on a café.
"Hey permy! Look! The movie you've been dying to see is already out! C'mon let's go watch it!" he exclaimed as he stood up from his chair and made a move to drag me.
I held my stance.
"Koko" I sighed "Stop. Sit down" he obliged. I looked at him. He was looking down on his banana parfait like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
And just when I was about to speak he looked at me again with that pretend cheerful façade.
"Hey perms, did you know that Iinchou is planning to ask Nonoko out? He was—"
But I cut him off shortly "Koko, as much as that gossip is tempting not to mention interesting, I have another gossip in mind"
He fought back a wince that unfortunately did not escape my eyes and he once again looked down and fidgeted on his seat
"Look love, I know you don't want to talk about this but I have to know"
"But Sumire I—" he sighed "I promised to say it to you when I'm ready didn't I?"
My patience is wearing out but I have to be tolerant with him if I want to ease him out into telling me what really happened.
"I know you did Koko, but I can't stand not knowing anything! Especially when I constantly catch dirty looks being thrown your way and nasty comments about you. I'm your best friend for Pete's sake! I at least deserve to know why!"
A reluctant look briefly crossed his features before he took a deep breath and stood up
"Tell you what, I'll tell you as soon as we get out of here. I'm not really comfortable talking about it in public"
I nod as he paid for the parfaits and we exited the café.
At the bus ride, I can't help but feel guilty with the way Koko look. He looks so vulnerable and he kept wincing every now and then.
Kinda like the way I look when I discovered Mochu already have a new girlfriend just after we broke up.
And for a moment I considered not asking him anymore and just forget about it but then I tiny voice at the back of my head is telling me that if I don't ask now I might never know why.
And that's why I just had to know. I just had to
The sky was beginning to darken and it looks like a rain is approaching when we went to the soccer field. The same soccer field I found him the day he and Audrey broke up.
He sat down in the middle and he patted the seat next to him. I obliged.
"I found her kissing Nakaharu-kun on the hallways a week before we broke up"
I looked at him surprised at what he said
I knew it. I knew it all along.
"I was actually on my way to the dining hall when I decided to drop by the girl's dorm to pick up Audrey"
Droplets of rain began falling from the sky
I was controlling myself from standing up to barge into that witch's room to slap her "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked instead. I looked at him to see his reaction but what I saw infuriated me. He still had that goofy smile pasted on his face! He's not showing what he truly feels.
"I didn't spoke a word because I was scared, scared to lose her. Scared that if I ask her about it she would break up with me" he scooted closer to me "I honestly think it was my fault. I didn't do my best to satisfy her. I'm still not enough. I'm still not the perfect boyfriend."
Rain started to pour hard.
"I tried my best. I really did perms. But I still lack and maybe that's why she broke up with me. But what can I do? I'm just human aren't I?"
He still has that stupid goofy smile.
Rage surged through me. I can't believe it. She did this to Koko. She made him feel inferior. That he's not good enough. She made him feel like garbage.
She cheated on him.
She cheated on him and even put the blame on Koko for everything
And he being the innocent naïve boy he is took the fall for everything.
A head dropped on my shoulder
He sighed trying to sound good naturedly "Aiayay, I blew it didn't I?"
I couldn't take this "Stop it Koko."
"Huh?"
"Drop that stupid smile and be yourself."
"I always have a smile Sumi—"
I looked at him straight in the eyes "Look here Koko. Listen to me and listen well. You didn't blew it alright?" I held his head in my hands, droplets of rain dripping from his usually spiky hair that is now sticking on his head "You are perfect the way you are. Do not ever and I mean ever feel inferior. You have a great personality and although you may not be as handsome and drop dead gorgeous like Natsume or Ruka you are charming and certainly eye catching. And believe me you are more than enough for me"
He dropped his head and held on to my arms.
"I'm sorry I didn't believe you before Sumire. I was so stupid not to believe on my own best friend."
And before I knew it, he had lunged in for a hug and for the second time on the same soccer field with the rain as our witness Koko cried to me.
Honestly, I knew she was cheating on Koko long before that's why I wasn't too shocked when Koko told me the whole story. I tried telling the idiot before but he wouldn't listen to me. We even fought because of it. He said I was just jealous, jealous because he already found the one while I hadn't. That I didn't like the girl because I think she would take him away from me. Pfftt. Give me a break. Me? Jealous? You wish.
So I never spoke about it. Ever. When I see her kissing the red-haired guy from another class, I just look the other way and pretend I didn't see them. That's why I was shocked and angry beyond belief when I heard her saying that they broke up because Koko was hard to trust. That he was deceiving her.
I was so angry that I barged in their classroom and confronted her. If Koko hadn't arrived on time and held me back, I would have really scratched her eyes out. That little bitch.
Half way through our second year of high school, Koko started courting me. I was happy but also reluctant; of course, I knew I was just a rebound girl and the most hurtful part? I knew he still loves her. He just needed someone to clean up the mess she left. So after six months of courting, I said yes and he almost jumped in joy when I continued, "But if we don't work out we'll stay as best friends okay?" With that, his goofy grin resurfaced and I remember him replying a cheerful "Yes!"
The day we became an item Hotaru passed by me and whispered, "Don't let yourself fall too much."
I actually didn't comprehend what she meant, so I answered, "Why shouldn't I?"
She just sighed "Whatever. If ever you can't help it just—"she patted my shoulder, a rare gesture from her. "—don't let go of him okay?"
I was taken aback by her words. But now I know why.
And now it's too late, and I was so stupid not to have taken her advice.
Regret filled my being at this realization. My mind was flooded with so many things I wish I could've done but didn't.
I wish I could've cried earlier, maybe then he would have felt guilty and stayed by my side instead.
I wish I could've said "It's not okay", maybe then he would have been too scared to lose me as his best friend and stick with me instead.
I wish I could've been selfish like I've always been, then maybe now we would still be walking side by side our hands intertwined.
But I didn't.
And now he's gone. He's not mine anymore. I'm back to just being his best friend.
To be continued.
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