Disclaimer: Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto and Shonen Jump, and is used without permission.
Author's Note: If I owned Naruto, two characters wouldn't be male purely because the author can't read his own country's mythology properly, and Inari wouldn't be some bratty kid that's only there to badmouth Team 7. Please, Kishimoto, read up on Kitsune and Yuki-onna one day. It'll be enlightening.
Also, while it was funny, at the beginning of the series, how clueless Naruto was about girls, It was no longer funny at the point where, when he finally notices the one girl who was always there for him, the fandom complains about the forced nature of the relationship!
I wish to say I was inspired to go back to this concept by re-reading jgresidentevil's stories. If you know the author, you'll be spoiled on one of the major plot elements. However, if you know how I write certain characters, you might figure it out straight away.
Something I wish to make clear… I have moved when Naruto kissed Sasuke to the same day as the exams, instead of to the same day as the team assignments, because I need it to have already happened, due to what repercussions it brings. Also, Inner monologues are fun.
WHIRLPOOL GIRLS
Chapter One: Destroying A Banshee
According to most people, The Uchiha District was an eyesore and a relic of a bygone age, the Uchiha as a clan having gone well past the limit for endangerment, and many requests had been tabled to strip it of it's favoured status and defacto ownership of the district.
Most of what had been the Senju district had been generously handed over to the Hyuga clan decades ago, but, due to the nature of the Uchiha clan, and it's stewardship, there was no clan who had been approved to inherit any of the land, or to move into the deserted homes.
The only work that had been done on them were some higher-paying-than-normal D-Rank missions to clean them and collect perishables from store rooms, and some discreet B and C ranked missions to deal with the dangerous items that could cause lasting injury and seal cracking on some homes.
However, otherwise, outside the clan head's residence, the majority of the buildings were falling apart due to abandonment, with the numerous requests to let them be razed to the ground that had been tabled, including several by the clan head themselves, hadn't been approved.
This was especially galling when the clan head pointed out in their latest message to the trustees of their estate that they had to cross what was effectively a ghost town just to go shopping or to school, and requesting allowance to move out of the clan head's mansion.
What was not disclosed to that group was that a discreet mission, off the books, kept a single home much closer to the boundary, their home until the Incident, in an immediately usable state, and it was currently in use by some family friends, as well as the surrounding buildings, admittedly.
No-one thought the new Konohagakure Cat Home was anything to do with the sole living Uchiha, and no-one would. As soon as someone saw reason, they'd abandon this pointlessly ostentatious 'home' and move into one of the homes surrounding the facility instead.
But while they were on the books as the clan head, they had, apparently, according to some old men who had likely never lost their entire millennia-old legacy in one night, to live in the clan head's home to keep up the appearance of being the ruler of a clan that would, one day, return. Maybe.
As they went through the motions of preparing their dinner, they sighed. It was not exactly relaxing to walk into a kitchen this size to just prepare a cup of rice and something to have with it. They didn't exactly have a huge storehouse, not that they needed it for who lived there.
"Dammit! Why could one simple screw-up bother me so much?! And it wasn't even me who made the damn mistake!" They sighed, looking skyward, "I passed the exam, Mom would have been proud, but this… Gah!"
A soft mewling drew their attention, and they looked down at the small kitten which was looking up at them, with a look that either was asking for a can of cat food or a cathartic petting of the kitten, before simply chuckling and decided on the latter right now, and the first one in a few minutes.
They then gave it a kiss on it's furry head at the great idea, before a finger slid over it's back, eliciting a soft, calming purr from the young feline. Yes, that felt so much better.
"You're getting so big… I'll have to buy you a new bed soon," They mused, carrying the cat over to it's food bowl, and filling it with a measure of home-made cat food. The figure watched the cat for a few minutes as it ate, then sighed, running a hand over their hair, and the cap they were wearing, the stylised cat ears bouncing back up.
The cat and hat had been thanks to the friend who now lived in their old home, since her original home town had been even more abandoned than the Uchiha district, and a good couple of hundred metres of the surrounding area was infested by cats as a result. They didn't mind, it meant it was more lively than the rest.
The sound of the doorbell made them sigh again, yanking off the hat. There was only one person who would be coming to their door at this hour… and they'd kill them if it was a waste of their time like the other umpteen times they'd crossed into the Ruins.
There were reasons why they had private time, and these Kami-be-damned visits always cut into it! And they probably knew exactly who was making the visit. Maybe this time she'd say something that would get her out of their hair for a couple of decades.
Sakura knocked on the door again more insistently, stopping as it opened to show an angry Sasuke, who was holding a plate of lightly seasoned rice. She'd disturbed him in the middle of his evening meal again. But this was more important than their daily rice, Sakura herself having got some riceballs off her mother for on the way.
"Sasuke! There's a big problem!" Sakura whined, causing Sasuke to mentally wince.
'Yes, I was enjoying a relaxing evening with Tama-neko, and some banshee decided to visit...' Sasuke thought, looking to one side, 'Oh, that's nice of Tama-chan… Well, I'll dump this in the bin when I go past. It's gone cold anyway… Takes three times as long to prepare it as to cook it...'
"What is the problem, Sakura?" He replied instead, hiding his irritation with his usual frosty demeanour, for Sakura to look away, almost as if afraid.
"My mother… She told me about who I'm with. It's both good news and bad news..." Sakura offered. Sasuke forgot his ruined dinner. The fact that her mother specifically told her about the team assignments was a situation that there were protocols for.
Anyone could be an enemy spy, so the team assignments were kept to only the team leaders and the Hokage. Strictly only the team leaders and the Hokage. Sakura had indeed said something that was exactly what Sasuke wanted to hear. It was good sometimes to be a prominent clan head.
'The bad news is that, after I've had my dinner and sent a messenger bird, the team assignments will be voided, due to a security leak, and Ibiki Morino will be on the warpath. The good news is that Sakura will be right where she needs to be to end up stripped of her status as a ninja of the leaf, Oh, Boo Hoo...' Sasuke mentally continued as he arched his eyebrow in partially feigned curiosity, 'Ibiki is so going to hate me when I let him know about this leak, but, alas, I can't be responsible for a security hole...'
"Ignoring the fact that no-one, least of all the Genin themselves, should know what the team assignments are..." He drawled in his best bored tone, completely disguising what he was actually thinking, "What were you able to discover?"
"You and I are on the same team..." She declared, surprisingly unenthusiastically for Sakura. She actually worried a hole into the ground and spoke at a level bearable to most people. Something wasn't right here.
'Clearly something more terrible than the fact the assault on my eardrums is intended to continue…' Sasuke thought to himself, 'Does she realise you could consider her raised voice to be a war crime!?'
"I sense a 'but' in there..." Sasuke responded, avoiding voicing his real opinion, that the bad news was that she was on his team. Why couldn't he have that girl in Gai's team, Tenten, or Hinata Hyuga. Yes, Hinata would be good. She only seemed to have one volume: Near-mute. Sometimes even mute.
He could be within a couple of inches of her and wouldn't be even inconvenienced by her opening her mouth to speak. Hell, He'd probably need to stand that close to hear her sometimes. You could hear Sakura from halfway across the building, or worse if she saw a mouse. Oh god, that had been loud.
Where Naruto got the box of live mice, he'd never know. All he knew was that Tamaki really enjoyed the visit him and Naruto did to drop them off, as a special courtesy to several female ninja, since Tamaki only saw mice as live cat food… and several people suffered ruptured eardrums for a reason other than a security leak.
"Well..." Sakura began, sighing expressively, barely able to hide her irritation and anger as she continued "It's about the third member of our team… It's going to be Naruto. We're the top ninja and kunoichi in our year. Naruto somehow managed to pass, despite his abysmal..."
'Ah, the truth wins out...' Sasuke thought, almost triumphantly, as he tuned out her ongoing tirade about Naruto, 'But… I'm not sure who to side with here… Do I side with the annoying banshee who will be facing disciplinary action over her 'leaking of the team assignments to an unknown party', or the boy who officially stole my first kiss… Nah. She made her bed, she can sleep on it. And it means no-one's asking about Tamaki and me several months back.'
"I'll talk to the Hokage..." He muttered, resigned. A nice neutral response. And actually half true. It was required that he speak with the Hokage. But not about getting rid of Naruto. If Sakura left quick enough, he'd not push for Seppuku rather than Imprisonment or Exile.
"You will!? Oh, Sasuke, You mean it?!" She asked, practically swooning.
'At least Naruto won't drive me to an early grave...' Sasuke thought, wanting her off his property urgently as he outright decided what he'd do.
"Yes, I should be able to convince him that there's good reason to change the teams..." Sasuke replied, Sakura beaming and celebrating already.
'Oh, Sakura, You foolish foolish fangirl...' Sasuke mused as he slammed the door in her wake. She would not like the results of his meeting after he'd found out what Tamaki had delivered earlier... Now, where was he? Oh yes, Tama-neko! The best cure for banshee wails ever. That and specially made earplugs.
He binned the earplugs as he picked up the food parcel. Ooh, this was so much better than a cup of rice. Oh yes, and there were some riceballs just in case. And she'd done a new blend of cat food for her namesake.
A short time later, on the team selection day, Sasuke looked at Naruto, pretending to be surprised he was there. He was however surprised Sakura was there. Her mother and a small group of concerned citizens she met with regularly were currently visiting T&I. Already half of them were not going to be coming out before the end of the year while a quarter of them were at 'no known location'.
The rest had 'a minor accident' which resulted in their sudden and abrupt death. Some of them actually looked plausible even. Sasuke had to give it to T&I. They were good at their plausible accidents when they didn't want to openly execute someone's shogi club because they discussed village secrets while playing.
"What are you doing in the team assignments area, dobe?" He sneered, with practised ease, "The remedial classes are three doors down. They got a new teacher since..."
"Mizuki is sick, and won't be able to do his classes..." Naruto stated, a canned response, before snapping, "Look, what's your problem? I didn't mean to fall onto you!"
'Not angry about that. There was this really nice incident a few years back, when I went to Sora-ku and gave Tamaki somewhere a lot less rundown to put her ninneko. She showed the appropriate thanks...' Sasuke grumbled mentally.
"Anyway, I graduated after they found out… someone doctored the results," Naruto finished.
'No wonder Ibiki was annoyed when I told him that a group of civilians had got access to the team assignments… That'll make it the sixth instructor in as many years that Ibiki took for questioning about their teaching techniques when they filed a complaint with the Hokage about Naruto being disruptive...' Sasuke mused mentally, 'Thankfully, they weren't brilliant teachers anyway. I know they no longer work for the Academy. I doubt if any of them are still alive even...'
"How could you doctor having such terrible clones?" Sasuke chose to reply with.
"I will cover that..." Iruka stated as he came in, before moving to the front of the room, coughing to get everyone's attention, before he started, "It was discovered that one of the academy instructors had, as part of a 'pilot program' of his own devising, placed an unduly high amount of the grade on the practical part of the exam, and predominantly the demonstration of the clone jutsu, a jutsu which had been recorded on Naruto's Academy paperwork as needing remedial training on,"
"Wasn't Naruto out of class during a good few of the classes on the clone jutsu?" Ino asked, "It seemed like, to me, instead of getting special training on it, he got less training on it as the years went on..."
"He was meant to be doing a class on chakra control, but he never attended, and we have been investigating the fact since," Iruka continued.
"I never got told about the chakra control classes, Sensei," Naruto declared, "I did a bit of digging, and there were no signs a teacher was assigned to it..."
"That's one of the first things we found out..." Iruka stated, "Apparently, the paperwork was 'misfiled', and the man in charge of that part of the department had to retire unfortunately due to a family emergency..."
'Family emergency… A abrupt death in the family. Who? Likely him...' Sasuke mused mentally, 'Is it bad that I can spot where T&I took immediate action?'
"Continuing on... The requirement set by this pilot program was to have two clones that are able to stand, unaided, for a minimum of 60 seconds and/or complete a simple activity or basic children's game," Iruka continued.
"I wish to point out that the requirement for a simple activity also nearly failed me," Shikamaru stated, "However, it was pointed out that the clones were both asleep, which is a simple activity, and atypical for a Nara, when they both woke up after... someone dropped a book. Thanks, Naruto,"
"Any time! Glad it helped," Naruto responded, for Iruka to smile slightly. He wondered why Naruto was reading in the middle of Shikamaru's test. He'd spotted the problem and found a solution. Namely to cause a noise that would not dispel the clones. He would make a note of that in Naruto's file.
"Naruto, In a post-examination environment, managed well over the required amount, with each clone having semi-autonomy and limited independent intelligence..." Iruka stated, "Therefore, he got a low passing grade within the remit of the pilot programme… which was promptly discontinued due to the fact barely anyone uses a standard clone jutsu these days,"
Everyone nodded about the fact that, shortly after anyone knew their elemental affinity, the standard clone jutsu was effectively binned, replaced by highly specialist clones that took advantage of such. So to put any focus on the clone jutsu would be like requiring someone to have good calligraphy if they weren't working with seals. Iruka then stepped aside as Sarutobi moved forwards, the academy side of what was going on finished for now.
"Team 1 to 6 are still assigned, Team 7 will be Sasuke Uchiha…" He began, the next part obliterated by the noise from someone apparently squeeing, "...and Naruto Uzumaki."
"Huh?" Sasuke overhead Sakura grunt, smirking. She'd noticed the team assignment had, apparently, not changed. And whoever squeed, he'd have Tamaki give them a kitten.
"Team 8 will be Kiba Inuzuka, Shino Aburame and Yakumo Kurama," The Hokage continued, "Your third team member is a special assignment, and your first mission will be to collect them,"
"Why is our third team member not from the academy?" Kiba asked, "What's going on?"
"There was a logistical error, and we were forced to rearrange the teams at short notice..." The Hokage stated, "I am not permitted to say anything else at this time, since the investigation is still ongoing..."
"Was Team 9 affected?" Tenten asked, the Hokage shaking his head, and the members of Team 9 filed out, only there for logistical reasons. Sasuke smiled. Ah good, he was getting the quiet, unassuming girl for his team. That would save them a lot of use of the earplugs.
"Team 10 will be Ino Yamanka, Shikamaru Nara and Choji Akimichi..." The Hokage declared, looking as Ibiki Morino walked in.
"Sakura Haruno, You will come with me," Ibiki stated, a quiet thump coming from the back of the room as Hinata realised who wasn't named yet, the rest of them wincing as Sakura's forehead protector was ripped from the hairband it was on, and the bent and twisted piece of metal thrown to the floor. It made a simple statement. Her career was over. She'd clearly broken the law in some way.
"Iruka-sensei, My team mate has fainted!" Naruto called out, Sasuke raising an eyebrow. Hinata always seemed to faint while muttering something about Naruto. The fact her face had a cooling blush told him the rest. Well, that explained why she was not like Sakura, Ino or half the rest of the girls in his age group.
"Try CPR on her, see if that will work, you stupid dobe!" Sasuke snapped, Sakura looking back in shock. Sasuke had changed the teams… to take her off his team, and had reported her to the Hokage for the fact she'd told him the team assignments! How was she to expect that Sasuke would suddenly decide to work to the letter of the law about things like that! She'd been sure he'd see past the minor leak and support her!