Iggy's Pain

"Daddy!" Jade giggled, pushing her father's head away. "Stop!"

"Never." Fang declared, continuing to kiss her. There was a loud knock on the door, causing the four month old in the other room to start crying.

"Fang, stop it and go get Emerald." Max opened the front door. "Hey Iggy."

"Hey." He smiled, walking in.

"Ig-ga!" Jade jumped up, running towards the blind birdman.

"Hey Jade." He picked her up, kissing her cheek.

"Hey Ig." Fang walked back into the room, holding his daughter. "Max, Emma's hungry."

"Then go get a bottle."

Fang groaned, walking out of the room. It was the first time since his second child had been born that he and Max, his wife a two years, had been out. Not that he was really wanting to go somewhere… Today was his day off and he had planned on having a beer and watching the game. But no, Max had to go out. And what Max wants, he got or did for her.

"Where's Nudge?" Max asked Iggy as he went over to the couch, Jade still in his arms.

"She's on a date."

Max held in a groan. Originally, Nudge was going to be the babysitter but then, Fang not knowing that Max had already asked Nudge, asked Iggy. It's not that Max didn't trust Iggy with her babies, because she did. She knew that he was the best surrogate uncle her kids could ask for. The only issue that she had with leaving him alone with them was, well…he was blind. There are so many things that could go wrong and she would have felt better if someone with sight was there. Which is why, as not to hurt Iggy's feelings, she told them both that they could watch them.

"But she'll be here later." Iggy assured the worried mother. "Just a movie and she'll be back."

"Alright." Max went to the doorway to the kitchen. "Fang, come on."

"Coming." Fang shook his head, continuing to feed his baby. "Tomorrow, Emma, we'll try some more baby food. Okay?"

Emma made a noise as Fang pulled the now empty bottle out of her mouth. He put the bottle in the sink and gave her a kiss before going back into the living room. The twenty eight year old laid his youngest down in her playpen.

"Daddy!" Jade ran to him and he picked her up, swinging her around.

"Fang, we need to leave."

Fang rolled his eyes kissing his three year old. "Bye Jade. I'll come see you when I get home."

Jade kissed her dad's nose. "Go bye-bye?"

"Yep."

"Bye!"

Max rolled her eyes, going over to them. She kissed her daughter. "Bye Jade. Come on Fang."

Fang sat down his daughter before following his wife out the front door. Things were quiet for a minute and Iggy started t think that the whole babysitting thing was easier than people thought…then all hell broke loose. Jade started crying, realizing that they weren't going to come back and get her, that they had gone. When her older sister started crying, Emerald began wailing too.

"Jade!" Iggy jumped up, running towards her crying. "Stop. They'll be back."

"Mommy! Daddy! Ah!"

Iggy decided to calm down the oldest first, figuring that if he could get her quiet, her sister would soon follow. He picked her up off the ground.

"Come on, cut it out. You're upsetting Emma." He kissed her head. "Jade…I'll give you ice cream."

The three year old sniffled. "'nilla?"

"Of course."

She smiled, wiggling in his arms. He sat her down on the floor before going over to the playpen. He picked up the baby gently.

"Hey, shhh." He rocked her in his arms, trying to hear where Jade had run off too. He couldn't hear her. "Jade?"

Then he heard something fall in the kitchen. He cooed at the baby in his arms while running to the kitchen.

"Jade…are you okay?"

"Yes!" He heard her respond so he moved towards where he thought she was.

"Are you…on the counter?"

She just giggled. Iggy sighed. "Let me go put Emma back down. Do not move or jump down. You're mommy will kill me."

Iggy ran back to the living room and laid Emerald down in her playpen before going back to the kitchen. "Jade?"

"Ig-ga!"

He went over to the sound of her voice. He felt around until he found her. "What are you doing?"

"Get i-ceam."

"Jade." Iggy sighed. "You're bad, you know that?"

"Yeah." She laid her head on his shoulder. "Mommy?"

"She'll be back later." Iggy sat her down on the ground before feeling for the fridge. He found it and then opened the freezer. Jade was bouncing up and down at his feet, chanting i-ceam over and over. Iggy sighed, using his hands to look for the ice cream. Once he had it, he had to look for the bowl and spoon. This was more work than he originally thought! Once he had finally gotten everything, he handed the bowl with ice cream in it to the three year old.

"Ya!" Jade yelled, running out of the room.

"Jade!" Iggy yelled, going after her. "Quit running away from me! Now where are you?"

"Here."

"On the couch."

"Yeah."

"Okay." Iggy sat down next to her. "What time do you go to bed?"

"Never!"

Iggy groaned and mumbled, "When does Nudge get here?"

"Nug come?"

"Yeah, she's supposed to."

"Nug! Ya!"

"Stop screaming." Iggy sighed. This was not fun. "Where's the remote?"

"No know."

Iggy felt around for it on the coffee table but couldn't find it. "Shit, where is it?"

"Shit." Jade agreed.

Wait…did he teach her that? Shit. "Jade, don't say that."

"Shit."

"Jade, that's not funny."

"Shit."

"Okay, so it's funny. But jokes over. Don't say that anymore."

"Shit Ig-ga."

"Jade, I mean it!"

"Shit."

Iggy groaned but finally he found the remote. "If you stop saying that, we'll watch TV."

"Ya!"

"Alright." Iggy turned it on. Apparently, where as Iggy's blind, Fang apparently is deaf. Because, for some unknown reason, the TV was turned to the max volume. Damn it Fang. Emma started screaming while Jade giggled, still eating. Mommy never gave her this much ice cream!

"Shit!" Iggy jump up, turning the TV back off. He went over to the baby, picking her up. "Why does he have it turned up so loud? Huh Emma? Daddy's stupid."

"Shit Daddy's stupid."

Iggy's useless eyes got wide. "Jade, don't."

"Daddy stupid shit."

"Stop it."

"Stupid shit Daddy."

"I'll take away your ice cream." He threatened. She shut up. Iggy sat her sister down once she quieted down. He reached into his pocket as his cell started to ring. "Hello?"

"Hey Iggy!"

"Where are you Nudge?"

"We just finished the movie."

"So you'll be here soon?"

"…Did I say that?"

"Nudge! I thought that you said you'd come."

"I did and I will." Nudge giggled at something someone, presumable her date, said. "Just not anytime soon."

"Nudge, Max wants one of us to give Jade a bath."

"And?"

"I'm having trouble keeping her out of the kitchen! How am I supposed to bath her?"

"Iggy, you said that you could handle this."

"And I can…if you would just get here."

"Well, David invited me over to his apartment to look at his-"

"Nudge! This is your first date."

"And? He wants me to look at his stamp collection!"

"Oh whatever."

Nudge giggled again. "Are you seriously swamped?"

"Yeah. They've only been gone thirty minutes and I already taught her the s word and to say that Fang's stupid."

"Wow…their never going to let you baby-sit again."

"They will if you get over here!"

"Alright, alright. No stamps."

"Good…so you're coming?"

"I wish."

"Nudge!"

She groaned. Iggy was so needy! God you'd think that he had some sort of disability….oh yeah. "Fine, I'll be there."

"When?"

"Soon."

"Nudge."

"Iggy stop whining. You're the one who wanted to do this."

"But I thought it would be fun!" Iggy paused. "Jade? Jade where'd you go? Jade!"

"Iggy? Everything alright?"

"Nudge, just hurry up!" Iggy hung up the phone. "Jade? Come here sweetie? You want more ice cream?"

He heard her giggle down the hall. Sighing, he got up and went to look for her. "Jade? Where are you?"

"Here."

Iggy turned. "Where?"

"Here!"

"Is this your room?" Iggy walked in a put his hand on the wall. Immediately he knew the color was pink.

"No! 'Ink nasty. Ew."

"This is Emerald's room?"

"Yeah."

"What are you doing?"

Jade looked over at him. "Get me toys back! Mommy give Emma me toys!"

"Jade, don't you think that Emerald deserves some toys?"

"No!"

"Jade, you're a big sister. You have to share."

"No wanna be big sis-ser! Take Emma back." Jade walked past Iggy and out of the room, her arms full of stuffed animals. Most of them were hers but a few were ones that Emma had gotten. But she didn't' think of it as stealing. If Emma wasn't here, those toys would have go to her!

"Jade, put them back."

"No!"

Jade went straight to her blue and green bedroom that she had Daddy paint the other day. Before it was purple, which was just as bad as pink! Mommy tried to force her to keep it white and purple but she convince her daddy to do it for her. It wasn't hard. He was a lot easier to get to do stuff now that Emma was here.

"Jade, I'm serious. I'll tell Mommy."

"Shit stupid Daddy."

Iggy growled. Never in his twenty-eight years of living did he think that he would end up doing what a three year old told him. Not only that but a three year old that wasn't even his! How low has he sunk?

"Alright, leave them in here."

"Ya!" Jade sat them all down on her bed. "Love you Ig-ga!"

"No you don't. You love getting what you want." Iggy sighed. "Come on. Let's go give you a bath."

"Bath?"

"Uh-huh. Get your night clothes."

"No. No bath."

"Yes bath." Iggy was really starting to get annoyed with Jade. Who knew a three year old could be so annoying? "Come on."

"No 'ike Ig-ga!"

"That's fine." The man felt around for her dresser. He took out what he guessed were what she would wear to bed before grabbing her. "Let's go."

"I don't know Fang. I just feel bad."

Fang held in his sigh. "Do you want to call?"

"Well…no. Iggy will think that I don't trust him."

Again with the held in sigh. "Just call. For me."

"Alright." Max sat her fork down and pulled her cell out of her purse. She called Iggy, getting more nervous by the second.

"Hello?"

"Hey Max."

"Hey-"

"Mommy!" She heard her oldest daughter whine into the phone. "Mommy!"

"Stop Jade! You're getting water everywhere!"

"Iggy…everything alright?"

"Yep. Just giving Jade a bath."

"Is Nudge there?"

"Mommy!"

"No, she's not there yet."

"What are you doing to her?"

"Nudge?"

"No, my baby! She's crying."

"She didn't want her bath, that's all." Iggy sighed. "Max, I've got to go."

"Iggy-"

"Don't eat that Jade!" Iggy yelled before hanging up. Max slowly put her phone back in her purse.

"So, you're okay now?" Fang asked, more out of worry for himself than her. It was bad enough that she forced him to take her out but to top it all off, she was making him listen to her whine about how her babies missed her. Gag.

"He's making her cry Fang."

"Who? Emma?"

"No. Jade."

"What's he doing?"

"Does it look like I'm there to know?"

"Max calm down."

"I am calm Fang!"

The man sighed. "So you want to skip the movie?"

"But you really want to go…"

Fang looked at the clock behind Max's head. The game just started. "No, I'm good. Really."

"But we never get to go out."

"We will soon. I promise. Besides, this is a nice dinner, huh? I made reservations and everything, right?"

"Yeah Fang."

"See? Everything turned out great."

Iggy, however, was not having nearly as great of time. "Jade, come on. You have to be sleepy."

"No!"

She was jumping up and down on her bed, trying to ignore Iggy as best as possible. She didn't like him anymore. He was as bossy as Mommy.

"I'll tell Daddy."

"Shit Daddy stupid."

Iggy almost punched a hole in the wall. This little brat was killing him. "Shut up and go to sleep!"

"Iggy!"

He turned. He knew that voice. He feared that voice. "Max? You're home early."

"Don't yell at her." Max ran to her oldest. "I knew that you couldn't handle this."

"Maybe if your kid wasn't such a brat."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing." Iggy walked out of the room, defeated. It wasn't fair. If Jade wasn't such a little spoiled monster, he would have done fine. Hell, he did great with Emerald! He was walking through the living room when Fang spoke to him.

"Iggy! Want a beer?"

"What?" Iggy turned to face the general area of the couch.

"Beer? You know, like Budweiser?"

"You're not mad?"

"No. You saved me! You think I wanted to go see that movie? Please." Fang took a big chug of his beer.

"You're not upset about Jade-"

"Jade's annoying. But she's my baby. I have to love her. You? You have to love her enough to give her stuff for Christmas and her birthday. As for the other stuff, who cares? Besides Max that is."

"Yea, besides Max." Iggy walked out the door, sighing. He was walking away from the house, deciding to walk instead of fly seeing as he had no where to go, when a car pulled in the driveway.

"Iggy!" Nudge got out, smiling. "What are you doing?"

"Max called and heard Jade crying. I got kicked out."

Nudge laughed. "Seriously?"

"It's not funny! You should had been there to help me!"

"I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you eventually. Promise." Nudge looked at the house, trying to decide if she should go in. Max was mad right? Then, Nudge decided, she would not step foot in the house for at least two weeks. She'd let Fang deal with her.

"You could make it up to me right now."

"How?"

"Give me a ride home."

Nudge burst out laughing. "Please, I got a stamp collection to go look at."

Iggy sighed, walking down the street as Nudge left. Iggy decided that it was official. He was never, ever going to have kids. And furthermore, watching Jade again? He would lose his last four senses before he did that.