Disclaimer: I don't own knights of the old republic, or any of the characters in the game. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fan fiction, I'd be chillin' at skywalker ranch.
Out of the Darkness
Chapter 1
The Lingering Sadness
Bastila
I can't begin to explain the shame I feel each and every day, when I wake, when I sleep. Even as I continue my day, the thought of my betrayal weighs me down. It cuts deep within me, like a rusty, dull blade, hacking away at my soul. At my very being. I cannot escape the torture, but its nothing more than I deserve.
I had fallen.
I had fallen into a deep pit, and if it had not been for Revan, I would have never escaped the dark side's grasp. I had fallen. I, who was supposed to protect Revan, to guard against evil ways-it was I who fell, while she, in spite of it all, remained steadfast on the path of the light. It's almost unfair.
But I will stay strong, I shall return to my old ways, I shall return to the light side. This will be no easy task, unlike her; I do not have my entire memory wiped clean. I can still feel the taint, in the depths of my mind, trying to seduce me into evil ways. But I shall not give in. I will mask my struggle, for Revan's sake.
I have seen her with every one, smiling dancing, joking around with the crew, having a splendid time, but I have also seen her, late at night, creeping out of her quarters to sneak off to the piloting wing. She will crawl into the pilot seat of the Ebon Hawk, and wrap an old Jedi cloak tightly around her small body, like a blanket. The ship is warm, but I suppose the vastness of space makes you feel so…small…small and cold sometimes. She will stare out of the observation port, staring out into the vastness, as if looking, as if searching for something. Something that is far off in the distance, something that just can't be found.
I know what it is she fears-the Jedi Council and the Republic have ordered us to Corisaunt, upon arrival, they will decide upon what to do with us. Chances are, they will split us up, I wouldn't doubt it one bit. Maybe they will say we all have different destines, that we need to go our separate paths, or maybe they will see what I see, that our destinies are interwoven, that they cross, that our destinies our different, but that we share them together, we reach them with each others help.
I have seen her cry late, late at night. Our crew if the Ebon Hawk, in our months of being together, in out months of fighting, battling the Sith, and occasionally, one another, has brought us close together, and created a bond. This bond, a family bond, is stronger than anyone could have ever expected, given the strange combination o f characters that have joined us on this crazy mission. Only a person like Revan could have a crew like this and them not kill each other.
After this damned war, all most of us have left really is each other. Some of us are destined to leave and do greater things, but I know deep in my heart that the time for us to disperse is certainly not now. We need each other- we give our strength to one another. We help each other. I have grown to care for all of them. I fear the council's reassignment as much as Revan.
I watch her some more, and my heart goes out to her. She has saved us all countless times. She saved me from certain damnation, had I kept going down that dark path. With out her, I never would have had my redemption. I doubt anyone else would have given me the chance that she did on the Star Forge.
I worry…I worry for her, I worry just as she worries for me, Canderous, Jolee, Juhani, Mission, Zallbar, and Carth...oh, poor Carth.
I have seen the despair in his eyes as well. When we reach Corisaunt, he will be getting a promotion. To what rank, I do not know, I have never been able to keep track of military things. He isn't nearly as exited as one would expect, though. He also despairs-he knows what surely awaits us all at Corisaunt. Though I expect really, we all know what is to befall us upon reaching that planet, we just choose not to think about it. We live in these moments we have left, when we are all together.
Poor Carth- I have seen the look in his eyes-the way he looks at Revan. I was a fool not to have recognised this sooner, this bond, this emotion that binds Carth to Revan. He is in love with her. I can tell that she has feelings for him as well. I pray that the council dose not discover this, or our crew should most certainly break us all apart and scatter us across the galaxy.
A Jedi cannot love. It is forbidden. Love leads to passion, passion leads to anger, and anger is very dangerous. But when I look in Carth's eyes, they seem so...different. Brighter, more alive. It makes me think that the council doesn't know everything. It makes me suspect that maybe…just maybe…they could be wrong.
A/n: well this is the end of chapter one! Please send me reviews! I love reviews! I gotta go! I'm so hungry and tired from track practice.