There it was again, another smart arse remark that made everybody except me laugh. I sat there and stared at the wall, fighting the tears that were behind my eyes. Why were people so cruel? They had been making fun of me ever since we got home from a day of interviews. At the start I would laugh along. But then some things just go too far. I can't stand to hear any more of it and walk away. As I leave the living room I hear someone say something about taking a joke but I don't really hear it properly. I go up to my bedroom. I sit in the darkness. I feel a bit better now that I'm alone. But soon I can't help but want someone to come and find me, to ask me if I'm ok. I want somebody to actually care about me. I don't want to be just the stupid bass player for a stupid band. Minutes pass and still nobody comes to look for me. I've thought about this for weeks now. I kept asking myself is it worth it but now I know.
So I reach over and flick the bedside lamp on. My room is engulfed in a soft glow as I get up and walk into the adjoining bathroom. I open the medicine cabinet and pick up two bottles. I open the first one and shake a handful of the small white tablets onto my palm. I am about to throw them into my mouth when I realise I don't have a glass of water to get them down. Angrily I tip the tablets back into the bottle; some miss the bottle and bounce around on the tiles for a moment. I put the bottles back then leave my room to go downstairs. I walk into the kitchen and grab a glass of water.
"Jerking off got ya a bit thirsty mate?" Harry yells from the living room. I don't answer as I go back towards the stairs. "Oh, I get the silent treatment," I hear him say. I shake my head. He has no fucking idea. Once back in my room I close the door and go back to the bathroom. I take out the bottles and once again tip a handful of those white tablets into my palm, those little sleeping tablets. I put a couple in my mouth and take a drink of water. I tried this a long time ago and ended up spitting them out. But this time there is no turning back. I've reached the end and this must happen in order for me to move on. I swallow another few tablets before throwing the bottle in the sink and reaching for the next one. I repeat what I have just done, this time with Valium. I drink the rest of my water and then leave the bathroom. I crawl into bed and I want to turn the lamp off but there was something about it emitting its glow that made me feel remotely more comfortable about this whole thing. I close my eyes and sing a song in my mind. In no time I will just fall asleep, nothing will ever change, except...this time, I won't wake up. Sure enough some time passes, I'm not sure how long, and I am on the edge of sleep. Drowsily I open the draw of my bedside table and pull out a photo album. Just managing to open my eyes enough to see a few pictures I flick through the album until I find the photo I want. The four of us standing there, smiling, laughing, loving. These were the times that mattered, these were the times that I loved. But now it's all over.
"And I wanna die on the highest high," I whispered with a smile and then sleep took me into its dark but warm embrace.
I don't know if I'm going to write a sequel...what do you think? JBxx