p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;"Chapter 1/span/p
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p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" While the rain pressed onto the windows of the house of the Nichols' and Parker's in San Diego, Josh was ready to hop in his car to go to the brand new Henry Houdini magic show, but his brother drake said that he needed the car to go to his band's gig. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Can't you just cancel your show?" Josh whined like a bitch. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Nope. Sorry." Drake replied, waving the keys in front of Josh's face. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Why not? You know how much I love Houdini and he isn't gonna have another show until...like 2 years, man."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "'Cause I'm drake." He said and dashed to the garage. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "God Dammit!" Josh screamed. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake was havin' a hell of a time driving his car while listening to his band's tunes until something in the rain he noticed was a blurry yellow thing. In drake's vision, it didn't seem like this thing had vehicle characteristics, yet as it drew nearer, it appeared to be a vehicle-a much bigger one; in fact a school bus rammed right into the front of his brand new Mustang. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake, confused, wakes up from a black-out, only to find he is trapped in a closet. From the other side of the door, you could only hear muffled laughter of three, four, or maybe ten people. After a few seconds, the closet door opens. "Yes, I'm free!" Drake whispers silently. His statement he just made turned out to be the opposite of free. An old, angry man with a bald spot stares at him. "Wh-w-eh-who are you?" Drake stutters like a broken record. "You are the one that damaged my bus! Who am I? You ask?" The scary old man says, then laughs histerically. "I'm Mr. Howard! The greatest teacher of all. And I'm gonna kick your ass in front of all of these poor, retarded students!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" In Josh's lonely fat world, he was playing the new skyrim and Call of Duty combo on his gamesphere. His identical fatass father kept shouting "turn off that game! I'm tired of it! I'm the weatherman!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh smiled and shook his head as he popped another ham and cheese hot pocket in his mouth and swallowed it whole. His dad then threw a fit and broke the gamesphere with his bare, grease-filled, Klondike bar covered hands. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;""Nooo! My level forty-six spellbinder with a 420 noskope sniper! It's ruined!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Bye son..." Walter said Sadly. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I guess I could see if drake is doing well at his concert." He cheered up and used his flip phone to dial up drake. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Ring! Ring!" Drakes phone rang. Mr. Howard didn't like the sound of that. "What on earth was that sound? A terrorist bomb?" He points at a certain child at his desk. "Kalraj, is that you hiding bombs in your gay hat again?" Howard was a big racist. "No way sir! Not ever!" Kalraj spoke silently. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Bullshit." Howard says as he takes off kalraj's turban. What an asshole!/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake now has time to run, but is mister Howard as fast as a bullet? He had to take the risk. He had to go home. He bolted into the hallway, bumping into people (along with girls asking for his number, after all he is drake...) until he could find an exit. And there it was. A glass door with the classic exit light on the ceiling. He could leave now, until a little nerd poked him and said,"can you help me repair my fifty giga-heart multiplex hard drive for my pear laptop build 54-B? Please?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;"Drake was confused so he said to the nerd, "uuhhhh, look! Free pear pads!" Which distracted little Freddy benson. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake was finally out of that prison of a high school, but now he could only think one thing."where the hell am I?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Where exactly was he? He googled the location and found out he was in Seattle. How could he get from California to Washington in one night? Millions of questions bounced through his head as he tried to figure out how to get home with 30 dollars in his wallet. He was going to to call his fatass brotha Joshie for a ride but then he realized that his only car that he saved his college fund on was diminished by that mean, sick, and probably perverted dick of a teacher. "Maybe Dad can gimme a ride." Drake thought. "Wait. I can't. He'll be pissed at me for ruining the car plus the fact I'm not even in the state!" The only option was to trick Joshie into stealing walter's old 50s corvette. He quick dialed that fatty. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;""Bling bling bling!" goes Josh's way out-of-date flip phone that charges minutes called and has no internet or camera. Josh was too busy trying to fix the gamesphere, or the "gay sphere" nicknamed by everyone else in the world. He then thought, "maybe this is an emergency. It better be. I'm running out of minutes on my crappy phone."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Hayyyy Josh!" Drake said with fake happiness. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Heyyy brotha! Whattya need?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well-uh...you see I'm in Seattle and I really need to get outta here. There Was this one old creepy man that said he wanted to kick my ass an-"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Nice try, asshole. I know this is just some prank. Look I'm not in the mood. Just go mess with someone else."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Josh serious!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" The phone cut to the noise that you never wanna hear when you are trying to convince somebody to do somethin. The hang up sound. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake was now hopeless. Josh was broken. The brothas were miles and miles apart from each other. What could go worse? Will Josh's gamesphere be fixed? Will drake get home? /span/p
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p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh was fed up with the unfixable gamesphere and gave that red plastic ball a break. It was getting late. "I wonder where drake actually is." He kept thinking. "No. I can't think that. Drake IS home and is just trying to prank me. Finally I get to prove to him I'm not a dumbass." Josh felt pride in his fat heart, but what he didn't know was drake was actually telling the truth, making josh a bigger dumbass. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Darkness had ascended in the cloudy sky. 10:30 in the drake and josh household only meant one thing: Joshie's Porn Time. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" You always must remember that josh is really lonely in terms of his love life. Girls don't like him because, well...we know. Josh is tired of not having a girlfriend or any type of friend in general (not including drake), which causes him to become so desperate that he must watch a filthy magic-show porno on the internet. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Ahhh my favorite time of the day!" Josh said with an aroused, creepy smile. "Now where is that one video..." Josh was scrounging for his favorite video on the internet, and possibly the world./span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Aha! There it is!" Josh was now staring at a video thumbnail link entitled 'Houdini shows off shlong and gets lucky'. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh clicks the link and unzips his pants to get ready for another juicy adventure, but just as he begins to whack it, his dad opens the door and walks in on him jerking to Houdini's fat magical penis. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "What in the name of Jesus telling stories to jimmy neutron is this?" His dad screams from being startled. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "No no no! It's not what it-"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Are you...mastrubating to..." His dad was just shocked. He continues, saying, "I just came to apologize about the gamesphere thing, and i see you..doing that shit?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh was so embarrassed that it looked like he was gonna puke out all of his fat, grease, and that hot pocket from earlier. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Walter begins to twitch. Then twitch harder. Then harder. He begins to laugh maniacally. "Wait until I tell drake about this one." Walter says with a big laugh, but then the laughing stopped. "Wait-where is drake?'/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "That's what I was wondering all day! He called me this morning and said he was in Seattle or somethin'. I know he's just messing with me." Josh replied. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well it has almost been 2 days and he's gonna be in trouble if he doesn't show up tomorrow. Say, can you call him again?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh began to get his ten-dollar phone out of his pocket and dialed up his brotha with his cum-filled hands. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Hello this is drake."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Hey douschebag, the family is wondering why you aren't here. Whats the deal?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I already told ya, man. I'm in Seattle. A bus rammed right into our car josh. I'm screwed just don't tell dad."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Joke's on you, brotha, it's on speaker so dad can hear everythang!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh puts the phone in front of walter's face. Walter begins speaking into the phone. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Drake, this is serious. Tell me where you are and you won't get in trouble."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I'm telling the straight up truth, guys. The car is wrecked and I'm lost in Seattle."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Walter could feel the truth from the bottom of his fat heart. He believed drake, but just for validation, he asked, "are you sure this is all true?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Yes! I promise!" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Walter moved the cum-covered phone back to josh. "Aiight brotha, you win this time. We're comin to get ya!" Josh said, half happily and angrily because he felt like a huge dumbass for not believing drake in the first place./span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Thanks guys you rock! When you pick me up can we get Quiznos? I heard they got this new thing there-"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;"Josh hung up before he let drake finish. He didn't wanna hear that bullshit, I mean, who does?/span/p
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p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;"Chapter 2/span/p
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p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Don't you hate it when you're driving with someone with a bad taste in music? Well josh felt a crapload of that on the way to Seattle. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Hey dad, put on 77.4 The MONSTA." Josh ordered. His dad hated that channel. He hated rock music in general. So his father switched to 102,3 Classic Country. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Dammit dad! You know I hate country!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "But son, it's my car and my rules apply to it. Rule number one: Country music only."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh did that one face where he looks terrified and miserable at the same time. What a crybaby. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Rule number two: no crybabies or children under the age of twelve. This is gonna be a long drive and I will not put up with your bullshit so get your act together or we are gonna have some issues." Walter hated his sons, especially josh (obviously). /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Back in Seattle, drake was buying a nice room at the nearby motel. Of course drake was lied to. The room wasn't nice at all. It was a motel! Of course the place was infested with cigarette smoke, nasty hookers, people that wanna hurt you, and everything else stereotypical about motels. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake tried turning on the television that appeared to be from 1989. "Son of a bitch," drake thought. "How am I supposed to watch care bears on netflix if the tv doesn't even provide that shit?" He had a secret obsession of Care Bears, which is similar to being a brony. Another surprising fun fact: Josh is not a brony even though he has all qualities of being one. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake had nothing to do in Seattle, until an excellent drake-based idea formed into his tiny brain. "I can fuck bitches here!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" He took a stroll around town and found himself around geeky fangirls cosplaying at Sakura-Con. He decided to see what was going on somewhere else. Drake doesn't like geeks. This one area he bumped into which unsurprisingly another geek festival called PAX Prime, a gaming festival. PAX Prime was said to be infested with drooling overweight piles of left out paçszki dough that either wanted boob (which they would probably never get due to their unhealthy lifestyle), or to live inside the new Elder scrolls video game. Drake already hated Seattle. If people actually live in Seattle, they must not enjoy the outdoors because the vast majority of the time there usually is garbage weather. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake couldn't have any relationships, couldn't watch his number one show in his imaginary top ten tv show list, or use the internet (motel remember?). /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Josh and dad better get here quick." He sighed. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" As songs in Walters car ranged from "Love is Like Whiskey" and "God Bless My Tractor", Josh cringed, as if drake were cringing at his own brother's chunkiness. "Please dad turn this shit off! I want the MONSTA!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I'll give you a monster if you don't shut the hell up," Walter argued. Josh quieted down. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "That's what I thought, fatty.." I understand that Joshie is fat, but Walter needs to calm down before he gets another heart attack for the three hundredth time. Well at least no matter what, this heart-attack won't be as bad as the first one. Ah, yes, the first experience. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" It all began when Walter was cutting his grass (with a tractor of course) and Drake along with Josh decided to play football in the yard. As a few catches pass, Walter tells the boys to be cautious about where they throw the ball because he doesn't want to run it over. With that being said and with Josh's terrible aim, the ball goes flying onto the roof thanks to him. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Dammit, boys. What did I just tell you?" Walter asked rhetorically, even though Drake still answered because he is a jackass. Walter stops his John Deere, and jumps into the garage to fetch his ladder to get the ball from the roof. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Thanks Da-"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Shut Up." Walt interrupts. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" After each and every step Walter climbed, the yells of drake and josh arguing about who's better at sports (one thing both of those brothas cannot play) became louder even though altitude was gaining. "Whiney bitches" Walter thinks with a chuckle. As he looks above the roof for the ball, his ladder feels a shake, making him startle, stutter, and become more aware of his surroundings like a praying mantis that drank a can of Redbull. He looks down to notice that the boys are now taking their little argument to an expected turn and fighting physically. "Careful down there,guys" he warned. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" They were too into slapping each other like an adolescent with two wieners to pay attention to their pissed-drunk father so much that Drake tipped over the ladder which collapsed and caused Walter to scream in terror with his hands waving and sinking through the layers of the atmosphere soon landing into the ground on his side. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" BOP!/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "GaaaaaaaaH!" Walter cries like a baby as he almost breaks his rotator cuff. As for surviving a big fall like that without any injury, He was fortunate. The boys on the other hand were going to get something worse than a broken bone: grounded. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW LUCKY I AM! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME! DAMMIT DRAKE YOU ALWAYS MESS EVERYTHING UP AND YOU ARE-" Walter paused then jolted as if millions of volts of electricity were rushing through his entire body. He began to pound on his chest like a monkey, except this time it wasn't funny. He was actually having a heart attack. They both cried for mom while calling the number for 911. This was the scariest moment of Josh's life. Drake has had a scarier day, but I will save that for later. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" To bring things to the present, we'll continue the story with drake and his misadventures in Seattle. As he was walking down the aisles of busy folks, he gets a whiff of something completely usual-he smells this all the time back home- good ol' marijuana. Of course, drake couldn't get ahold of any because he lives under strict rule of the grand cowboy of the century, his pops. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" All of the sudden, strange looking stoners arrive at the street laughing at absolutely nothing altogether like synchronized swimmers. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Oh there's Jeremy!" One of them said pointing at drake. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Uhhh there must be some kind of mistake he-" Drake was then interrupted by one of the kids. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Jeremy, we saved enough for you, buddy old pal!" He said, waving his hands; one hand with a bag of weed in it, and the other with some chips. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" This was drake's chance to try out his dream herb for the first time, and it was legal there! The only problem was that he was underage, but in his mind, he thought, "Gah, who gives a shit" and puffed away. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Minutes pass, and drake is already flying around and shooting into everything like a terrorist. His mind was on cruise control, except the speed was set to infinity, but at the same time, he was as chill as Frosty the Snowman when his penis shrivels up. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Damn, Jer, I though you were used to this new shit you just bought." Pothead Jones exclaimed while staring at the stupidity he was witnessing to Drake's trippy state of mind. Drake tries to explain to the squad that they have mistaken him for the wrong guy. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Uh guys, I'm not even-" Something red, white and blue stopped him, and it wasn't Walter's favorite flag ever. It was the lights of a police car. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "SHIT! THE JIG IS UP!" One paranoid pothead said, running away. Everyone (that is, except dumbass drake) left the scene while cops as well as a suited man pull out of the vehicle. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "There he is," shouts the suited man. "There's the sicko who escaped my school!"/span/p
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p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;"Chapter 3/span/p
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p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Alright bub, you're here for 2 reasons," A big, bad and very bald agent says towards the pissed drake, with his eyes wandering around the dark room he was sitting in with a bunch of douchebag officers and an old grumpy Howard. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "and one out of the two reasons is for your little assortment of marijuana in your sweaty palms." /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake didn't like this one bit. He wish he could afford a lawyer, but he can't even afford the first gamesphere. Mr Howard looks drake dead in the eyes saying with a face as straight as an average american's sexual orientation: "You sick, sick puppy."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "You're calling me sick?" Drake backed up. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "You are the one that crashed my car with a goddamn schoolbus, knocked me unconscious, dragged my ass all the way from San Diego to Seattle then locked me into a closet at your precious school!" Drake has never screamed at an old man as much as he did that day, and Walter is an exception. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Is that true, Howard? Is something as ridiculous as that, the true story?" Baldie asked rhetorically. Howard laughed nervously, but everyone thought he was laughing at the stupidity of the question. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "How could you possibly believe him?" Drake protested. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well, who would you rather us believe, boys? Pothead jones over here, or Senior of the year?" Baldie asks rhetorically once more to his amazing crowd. If there were a meter for one's asshole-ness, Baldie and Howard would have a significantly close tie. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Alright enough with this, let's just cut to the chase, Schrader, enough jokes." One of Baldie's-perhaps Schrader's cop buddies said. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Alright so here's the deal, you make one phone call, and let us take care of the rest." He says to drake. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well here goes another call with Walter and josh.." Drake thinks to himself, being anxious to give them a crazy update. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" A great ring on the phone. A great answer is expected. The problem was, The ring of Josh's Salvation Army phone was too quiet compared to the noise of the argument between him and Walter about which brand of cheese crackers is better, which was actually convenient due to the fact that they were in a convenience store because they needed a break from all that driving and all that American Lovin' music. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Rats!" Drake whispers. He usually doesn't say weird words like that, but for this one time it didn't even matter because in his mind, he knew he was fucked. Yet another thing popped in his mind. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the dumbest idea ever written: "Maybe I can sneak another call!" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Attempting to redial, a cop catches him in the nick of time. "Hey! Can't do that." says the officer with an accent of someone with a 1st grade education. Drake ignored him, taking his chances. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Another great ring. An answer is still expected. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Okay dad serious, everyone knows that Cheezits are the best kind because they're REAL." Josh explains. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Yummy nips are the true best kind because they're cheaper." Walter argues, knowing he's actually right. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" A ring (that is now audible) interrupts their bond. Josh nears the plastic calling machine and picks it up with an interesting reply on the line. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Josh! Josh! Get me at Seattle Main apartment room 49C! Not much time left!" And then he hangs up. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Joshie was now worried. Worried that he could lose his only half friend. But we will save Josh's feelings for later (in other words, forever). /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Back at the police office, drake waits anxiously thinking about whats going to happen to him in terms of justice. Howard pokes his back for his attention and then yells out, "Hey fellas?" to the policemen. Drake had no idea what that old creepy tard was going to say, but for sure it was going to be bad, and it turned out to be the most horrifying thing you could hear coming out of a stranger's sloppy mouth: "When can me and my son go home?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" The face of drake changed from scared to completely ridiculed. What was Mr Howard trying to do? Kidnap him? What mental illness does he contain?/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "You guys can go home right now, in fact. We are just signing some papers to register your son on probation." The first-grade-education officer tried to explain, but then another officer clarified it as if he were a translator. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Now If you though Walters car adventures were bad, you should have seen this one! Drake, inside of the dark blue car that old men usually drive couldn't stand this nonsense. Not only was he ridiculed, but embarrassed that he was in such a shitty car. He missed the mustang, he missed all the care bear episodes he missed, he even missed Joshie. He would rather be Josh's magic assistant than get kidnapped by this 'senior citizen of the year'. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I got plans for you, child." Howard evilly, angrily, and creepily said while turning his head to him as slow as a sloth shitting. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Uh-uh-uh, so you got some tunes in here?" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I got two tapes: Learning Geometry, and The Mathematical Pursuit. Which one, grandson?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Could you not call me that?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I could-"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "THEN STOP!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake then quieted down since there was no point in arguing with someone who cannot learn. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Howard tee-heed as he pulls into the driveway of his clean home. The wonders of the inside of the lonely grump's cabin-like household were infinite. "He probably has a wind-up television" were one of drakes thoughts. To be correct, the small mind was on the right path, yet Howard didn't even own a TV, just a radio with a dial. To others this would be classified as "retro cool", but to Grumpy, it was "fine utility". /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" The wooden chairs looked as if they were polished with the shiniest substance, with a design as old-fashioned as can be. The table, round, and organized with silverware, plates, fatty foods, and bourbon. The real question was: why were there more than one plate if Howard lived alone? Had he planned this risky death trap? Or had he set up plates to make himself feel better? Perhaps both. Perhaps he had expected more students to be kidnapped and attend to his lovely dining. Either way, this fuck was depressing even to look at. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake with an anxious stutter decides whether or not when to eat dinner. Fortunately, he didn't even have to ask. Howard spoke softly this time; his face was calm before he opened his mouth. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "So grandson, for supper tonight we are having mashed potatoes and chicken ala king. Does that fulfill your satisfaction?" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake couldn't say no, otherwise there would be a stupid comment by this crinkly bastard. To conclude his dumb decision, he played along./span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Sure, grandfather! Sounds wonderful." /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" With an annoying nasal laugh, Howard wrapped his crusty hand awkwardly across drakes shoulder. Now drake made the 'josh face' I told you about earlier. To break free, drake asks another question. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "So where will I sleep tonight?" On top of all things, Howard's reply was the scariest of all. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "With me, honey bear."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake was getting pushed pretty far, but till this point was a shove from America to Germany. The intensity rushing through his brain had hit the limit. It was hit so hard that the smart part of his brain had been broken open very briefly, giving him a chance to get out of this mess. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well I don't think that's a good idea for the first few nights. Lemme get comfortable, plus I snore really bad!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Howard could see his point, and what could've been a no to the answer, was a great o-k. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "But only for one night, pal. I get lonely up here.." Howard says with sorrow. Drake knew he was just trying to make him feel bad, but he had not a single slice of sympathy for that fucking child offender. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "So uh where's my room?" Drake asks. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well, I do have a spare room with a telephone and a cozy couch-ooh so cozy-so you can have that. And maybe once you get comfy, we can snuggle together."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" No. Just no. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" At nighttime, drake settled into his room, found blankets and hopped in with his jeans. A call from the hallway; "goodnight, sweetie!" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" With a cringe, drake calls back with a goodnight. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" There lies the telephone, waiting to be dialed upon the fingers of drake, waiting for 911 to be dialed, except drake didn't think it was time to do that yet. Too much of a risk. Howard could probably hear the voice of drake on the phone if he even did it. Howard, from observation, was a man of planning. Who knows what could happen. All drake could do was say, "it will only get better. Only better."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;" /p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;" /p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" While the rain pressed onto the windows of the house of the Nichols' and Parker's in San Diego, Josh was ready to hop in his car to go to the brand new Henry Houdini magic show, but his brother drake said that he needed the car to go to his band's gig. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Can't you just cancel your show?" Josh whined like a bitch. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Nope. Sorry." Drake replied, waving the keys in front of Josh's face. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Why not? You know how much I love Houdini and he isn't gonna have another show until...like 2 years, man."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "'Cause I'm drake." He said and dashed to the garage. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "God Dammit!" Josh screamed. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake was havin' a hell of a time driving his car while listening to his band's tunes until something in the rain he noticed was a blurry yellow thing. In drake's vision, it didn't seem like this thing had vehicle characteristics, yet as it drew nearer, it appeared to be a vehicle-a much bigger one; in fact a school bus rammed right into the front of his brand new Mustang. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake, confused, wakes up from a black-out, only to find he is trapped in a closet. From the other side of the door, you could only hear muffled laughter of three, four, or maybe ten people. After a few seconds, the closet door opens. "Yes, I'm free!" Drake whispers silently. His statement he just made turned out to be the opposite of free. An old, angry man with a bald spot stares at him. "Wh-w-eh-who are you?" Drake stutters like a broken record. "You are the one that damaged my bus! Who am I? You ask?" The scary old man says, then laughs histerically. "I'm Mr. Howard! The greatest teacher of all. And I'm gonna kick your ass in front of all of these poor, retarded students!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" In Josh's lonely fat world, he was playing the new skyrim and Call of Duty combo on his gamesphere. His identical fatass father kept shouting "turn off that game! I'm tired of it! I'm the weatherman!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh smiled and shook his head as he popped another ham and cheese hot pocket in his mouth and swallowed it whole. His dad then threw a fit and broke the gamesphere with his bare, grease-filled, Klondike bar covered hands. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;""Nooo! My level forty-six spellbinder with a 420 noskope sniper! It's ruined!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Bye son..." Walter said Sadly. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I guess I could see if drake is doing well at his concert." He cheered up and used his flip phone to dial up drake. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Ring! Ring!" Drakes phone rang. Mr. Howard didn't like the sound of that. "What on earth was that sound? A terrorist bomb?" He points at a certain child at his desk. "Kalraj, is that you hiding bombs in your gay hat again?" Howard was a big racist. "No way sir! Not ever!" Kalraj spoke silently. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Bullshit." Howard says as he takes off kalraj's turban. What an asshole!/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake now has time to run, but is mister Howard as fast as a bullet? He had to take the risk. He had to go home. He bolted into the hallway, bumping into people (along with girls asking for his number, after all he is drake...) until he could find an exit. And there it was. A glass door with the classic exit light on the ceiling. He could leave now, until a little nerd poked him and said,"can you help me repair my fifty giga-heart multiplex hard drive for my pear laptop build 54-B? Please?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;"Drake was confused so he said to the nerd, "uuhhhh, look! Free pear pads!" Which distracted little Freddy benson. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake was finally out of that prison of a high school, but now he could only think one thing."where the hell am I?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Where exactly was he? He googled the location and found out he was in Seattle. How could he get from California to Washington in one night? Millions of questions bounced through his head as he tried to figure out how to get home with 30 dollars in his wallet. He was going to to call his fatass brotha Joshie for a ride but then he realized that his only car that he saved his college fund on was diminished by that mean, sick, and probably perverted dick of a teacher. "Maybe Dad can gimme a ride." Drake thought. "Wait. I can't. He'll be pissed at me for ruining the car plus the fact I'm not even in the state!" The only option was to trick Joshie into stealing walter's old 50s corvette. He quick dialed that fatty. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;""Bling bling bling!" goes Josh's way out-of-date flip phone that charges minutes called and has no internet or camera. Josh was too busy trying to fix the gamesphere, or the "gay sphere" nicknamed by everyone else in the world. He then thought, "maybe this is an emergency. It better be. I'm running out of minutes on my crappy phone."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Hayyyy Josh!" Drake said with fake happiness. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Heyyy brotha! Whattya need?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well-uh...you see I'm in Seattle and I really need to get outta here. There Was this one old creepy man that said he wanted to kick my ass an-"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Nice try, asshole. I know this is just some prank. Look I'm not in the mood. Just go mess with someone else."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Josh serious!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" The phone cut to the noise that you never wanna hear when you are trying to convince somebody to do somethin. The hang up sound. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake was now hopeless. Josh was broken. The brothas were miles and miles apart from each other. What could go worse? Will Josh's gamesphere be fixed? Will drake get home? /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;" /p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh was fed up with the unfixable gamesphere and gave that red plastic ball a break. It was getting late. "I wonder where drake actually is." He kept thinking. "No. I can't think that. Drake IS home and is just trying to prank me. Finally I get to prove to him I'm not a dumbass." Josh felt pride in his fat heart, but what he didn't know was drake was actually telling the truth, making josh a bigger dumbass. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Darkness had ascended in the cloudy sky. 10:30 in the drake and josh household only meant one thing: Joshie's Porn Time. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" You always must remember that josh is really lonely in terms of his love life. Girls don't like him because, well...we know. Josh is tired of not having a girlfriend or any type of friend in general (not including drake), which causes him to become so desperate that he must watch a filthy magic-show porno on the internet. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Ahhh my favorite time of the day!" Josh said with an aroused, creepy smile. "Now where is that one video..." Josh was scrounging for his favorite video on the internet, and possibly the world./span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Aha! There it is!" Josh was now staring at a video thumbnail link entitled 'Houdini shows off shlong and gets lucky'. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh clicks the link and unzips his pants to get ready for another juicy adventure, but just as he begins to whack it, his dad opens the door and walks in on him jerking to Houdini's fat magical penis. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "What in the name of Jesus telling stories to jimmy neutron is this?" His dad screams from being startled. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "No no no! It's not what it-"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Are you...mastrubating to..." His dad was just shocked. He continues, saying, "I just came to apologize about the gamesphere thing, and i see you..doing that shit?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh was so embarrassed that it looked like he was gonna puke out all of his fat, grease, and that hot pocket from earlier. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Walter begins to twitch. Then twitch harder. Then harder. He begins to laugh maniacally. "Wait until I tell drake about this one." Walter says with a big laugh, but then the laughing stopped. "Wait-where is drake?'/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "That's what I was wondering all day! He called me this morning and said he was in Seattle or somethin'. I know he's just messing with me." Josh replied. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well it has almost been 2 days and he's gonna be in trouble if he doesn't show up tomorrow. Say, can you call him again?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh began to get his ten-dollar phone out of his pocket and dialed up his brotha with his cum-filled hands. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Hello this is drake."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Hey douschebag, the family is wondering why you aren't here. Whats the deal?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I already told ya, man. I'm in Seattle. A bus rammed right into our car josh. I'm screwed just don't tell dad."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Joke's on you, brotha, it's on speaker so dad can hear everythang!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh puts the phone in front of walter's face. Walter begins speaking into the phone. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Drake, this is serious. Tell me where you are and you won't get in trouble."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I'm telling the straight up truth, guys. The car is wrecked and I'm lost in Seattle."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Walter could feel the truth from the bottom of his fat heart. He believed drake, but just for validation, he asked, "are you sure this is all true?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Yes! I promise!" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Walter moved the cum-covered phone back to josh. "Aiight brotha, you win this time. We're comin to get ya!" Josh said, half happily and angrily because he felt like a huge dumbass for not believing drake in the first place./span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Thanks guys you rock! When you pick me up can we get Quiznos? I heard they got this new thing there-"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;"Josh hung up before he let drake finish. He didn't wanna hear that bullshit, I mean, who does?/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;" /p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;"Chapter 2/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;" /p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Don't you hate it when you're driving with someone with a bad taste in music? Well josh felt a crapload of that on the way to Seattle. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Hey dad, put on 77.4 The MONSTA." Josh ordered. His dad hated that channel. He hated rock music in general. So his father switched to 102,3 Classic Country. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Dammit dad! You know I hate country!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "But son, it's my car and my rules apply to it. Rule number one: Country music only."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Josh did that one face where he looks terrified and miserable at the same time. What a crybaby. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Rule number two: no crybabies or children under the age of twelve. This is gonna be a long drive and I will not put up with your bullshit so get your act together or we are gonna have some issues." Walter hated his sons, especially josh (obviously). /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Back in Seattle, drake was buying a nice room at the nearby motel. Of course drake was lied to. The room wasn't nice at all. It was a motel! Of course the place was infested with cigarette smoke, nasty hookers, people that wanna hurt you, and everything else stereotypical about motels. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake tried turning on the television that appeared to be from 1989. "Son of a bitch," drake thought. "How am I supposed to watch care bears on netflix if the tv doesn't even provide that shit?" He had a secret obsession of Care Bears, which is similar to being a brony. Another surprising fun fact: Josh is not a brony even though he has all qualities of being one. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake had nothing to do in Seattle, until an excellent drake-based idea formed into his tiny brain. "I can fuck bitches here!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" He took a stroll around town and found himself around geeky fangirls cosplaying at Sakura-Con. He decided to see what was going on somewhere else. Drake doesn't like geeks. This one area he bumped into which unsurprisingly another geek festival called PAX Prime, a gaming festival. PAX Prime was said to be infested with drooling overweight piles of left out paçszki dough that either wanted boob (which they would probably never get due to their unhealthy lifestyle), or to live inside the new Elder scrolls video game. Drake already hated Seattle. If people actually live in Seattle, they must not enjoy the outdoors because the vast majority of the time there usually is garbage weather. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake couldn't have any relationships, couldn't watch his number one show in his imaginary top ten tv show list, or use the internet (motel remember?). /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Josh and dad better get here quick." He sighed. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" As songs in Walters car ranged from "Love is Like Whiskey" and "God Bless My Tractor", Josh cringed, as if drake were cringing at his own brother's chunkiness. "Please dad turn this shit off! I want the MONSTA!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I'll give you a monster if you don't shut the hell up," Walter argued. Josh quieted down. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "That's what I thought, fatty.." I understand that Joshie is fat, but Walter needs to calm down before he gets another heart attack for the three hundredth time. Well at least no matter what, this heart-attack won't be as bad as the first one. Ah, yes, the first experience. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" It all began when Walter was cutting his grass (with a tractor of course) and Drake along with Josh decided to play football in the yard. As a few catches pass, Walter tells the boys to be cautious about where they throw the ball because he doesn't want to run it over. With that being said and with Josh's terrible aim, the ball goes flying onto the roof thanks to him. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Dammit, boys. What did I just tell you?" Walter asked rhetorically, even though Drake still answered because he is a jackass. Walter stops his John Deere, and jumps into the garage to fetch his ladder to get the ball from the roof. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Thanks Da-"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Shut Up." Walt interrupts. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" After each and every step Walter climbed, the yells of drake and josh arguing about who's better at sports (one thing both of those brothas cannot play) became louder even though altitude was gaining. "Whiney bitches" Walter thinks with a chuckle. As he looks above the roof for the ball, his ladder feels a shake, making him startle, stutter, and become more aware of his surroundings like a praying mantis that drank a can of Redbull. He looks down to notice that the boys are now taking their little argument to an expected turn and fighting physically. "Careful down there,guys" he warned. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" They were too into slapping each other like an adolescent with two wieners to pay attention to their pissed-drunk father so much that Drake tipped over the ladder which collapsed and caused Walter to scream in terror with his hands waving and sinking through the layers of the atmosphere soon landing into the ground on his side. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" BOP!/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "GaaaaaaaaH!" Walter cries like a baby as he almost breaks his rotator cuff. As for surviving a big fall like that without any injury, He was fortunate. The boys on the other hand were going to get something worse than a broken bone: grounded. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW LUCKY I AM! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME! DAMMIT DRAKE YOU ALWAYS MESS EVERYTHING UP AND YOU ARE-" Walter paused then jolted as if millions of volts of electricity were rushing through his entire body. He began to pound on his chest like a monkey, except this time it wasn't funny. He was actually having a heart attack. They both cried for mom while calling the number for 911. This was the scariest moment of Josh's life. Drake has had a scarier day, but I will save that for later. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" To bring things to the present, we'll continue the story with drake and his misadventures in Seattle. As he was walking down the aisles of busy folks, he gets a whiff of something completely usual-he smells this all the time back home- good ol' marijuana. Of course, drake couldn't get ahold of any because he lives under strict rule of the grand cowboy of the century, his pops. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" All of the sudden, strange looking stoners arrive at the street laughing at absolutely nothing altogether like synchronized swimmers. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Oh there's Jeremy!" One of them said pointing at drake. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Uhhh there must be some kind of mistake he-" Drake was then interrupted by one of the kids. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Jeremy, we saved enough for you, buddy old pal!" He said, waving his hands; one hand with a bag of weed in it, and the other with some chips. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" This was drake's chance to try out his dream herb for the first time, and it was legal there! The only problem was that he was underage, but in his mind, he thought, "Gah, who gives a shit" and puffed away. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Minutes pass, and drake is already flying around and shooting into everything like a terrorist. His mind was on cruise control, except the speed was set to infinity, but at the same time, he was as chill as Frosty the Snowman when his penis shrivels up. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Damn, Jer, I though you were used to this new shit you just bought." Pothead Jones exclaimed while staring at the stupidity he was witnessing to Drake's trippy state of mind. Drake tries to explain to the squad that they have mistaken him for the wrong guy. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Uh guys, I'm not even-" Something red, white and blue stopped him, and it wasn't Walter's favorite flag ever. It was the lights of a police car. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "SHIT! THE JIG IS UP!" One paranoid pothead said, running away. Everyone (that is, except dumbass drake) left the scene while cops as well as a suited man pull out of the vehicle. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "There he is," shouts the suited man. "There's the sicko who escaped my school!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;" /p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;"Chapter 3/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13.8px;" /p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Alright bub, you're here for 2 reasons," A big, bad and very bald agent says towards the pissed drake, with his eyes wandering around the dark room he was sitting in with a bunch of douchebag officers and an old grumpy Howard. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "and one out of the two reasons is for your little assortment of marijuana in your sweaty palms." /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake didn't like this one bit. He wish he could afford a lawyer, but he can't even afford the first gamesphere. Mr Howard looks drake dead in the eyes saying with a face as straight as an average american's sexual orientation: "You sick, sick puppy."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "You're calling me sick?" Drake backed up. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "You are the one that crashed my car with a goddamn schoolbus, knocked me unconscious, dragged my ass all the way from San Diego to Seattle then locked me into a closet at your precious school!" Drake has never screamed at an old man as much as he did that day, and Walter is an exception. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Is that true, Howard? Is something as ridiculous as that, the true story?" Baldie asked rhetorically. Howard laughed nervously, but everyone thought he was laughing at the stupidity of the question. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "How could you possibly believe him?" Drake protested. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well, who would you rather us believe, boys? Pothead jones over here, or Senior of the year?" Baldie asks rhetorically once more to his amazing crowd. If there were a meter for one's asshole-ness, Baldie and Howard would have a significantly close tie. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Alright enough with this, let's just cut to the chase, Schrader, enough jokes." One of Baldie's-perhaps Schrader's cop buddies said. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Alright so here's the deal, you make one phone call, and let us take care of the rest." He says to drake. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well here goes another call with Walter and josh.." Drake thinks to himself, being anxious to give them a crazy update. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" A great ring on the phone. A great answer is expected. The problem was, The ring of Josh's Salvation Army phone was too quiet compared to the noise of the argument between him and Walter about which brand of cheese crackers is better, which was actually convenient due to the fact that they were in a convenience store because they needed a break from all that driving and all that American Lovin' music. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Rats!" Drake whispers. He usually doesn't say weird words like that, but for this one time it didn't even matter because in his mind, he knew he was fucked. Yet another thing popped in his mind. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the dumbest idea ever written: "Maybe I can sneak another call!" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Attempting to redial, a cop catches him in the nick of time. "Hey! Can't do that." says the officer with an accent of someone with a 1st grade education. Drake ignored him, taking his chances. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Another great ring. An answer is still expected. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Okay dad serious, everyone knows that Cheezits are the best kind because they're REAL." Josh explains. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Yummy nips are the true best kind because they're cheaper." Walter argues, knowing he's actually right. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" A ring (that is now audible) interrupts their bond. Josh nears the plastic calling machine and picks it up with an interesting reply on the line. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Josh! Josh! Get me at Seattle Main apartment room 49C! Not much time left!" And then he hangs up. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Joshie was now worried. Worried that he could lose his only half friend. But we will save Josh's feelings for later (in other words, forever). /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Back at the police office, drake waits anxiously thinking about whats going to happen to him in terms of justice. Howard pokes his back for his attention and then yells out, "Hey fellas?" to the policemen. Drake had no idea what that old creepy tard was going to say, but for sure it was going to be bad, and it turned out to be the most horrifying thing you could hear coming out of a stranger's sloppy mouth: "When can me and my son go home?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" The face of drake changed from scared to completely ridiculed. What was Mr Howard trying to do? Kidnap him? What mental illness does he contain?/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "You guys can go home right now, in fact. We are just signing some papers to register your son on probation." The first-grade-education officer tried to explain, but then another officer clarified it as if he were a translator. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Now If you though Walters car adventures were bad, you should have seen this one! Drake, inside of the dark blue car that old men usually drive couldn't stand this nonsense. Not only was he ridiculed, but embarrassed that he was in such a shitty car. He missed the mustang, he missed all the care bear episodes he missed, he even missed Joshie. He would rather be Josh's magic assistant than get kidnapped by this 'senior citizen of the year'. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I got plans for you, child." Howard evilly, angrily, and creepily said while turning his head to him as slow as a sloth shitting. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Uh-uh-uh, so you got some tunes in here?" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I got two tapes: Learning Geometry, and The Mathematical Pursuit. Which one, grandson?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Could you not call me that?"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "I could-"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "THEN STOP!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake then quieted down since there was no point in arguing with someone who cannot learn. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Howard tee-heed as he pulls into the driveway of his clean home. The wonders of the inside of the lonely grump's cabin-like household were infinite. "He probably has a wind-up television" were one of drakes thoughts. To be correct, the small mind was on the right path, yet Howard didn't even own a TV, just a radio with a dial. To others this would be classified as "retro cool", but to Grumpy, it was "fine utility". /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" The wooden chairs looked as if they were polished with the shiniest substance, with a design as old-fashioned as can be. The table, round, and organized with silverware, plates, fatty foods, and bourbon. The real question was: why were there more than one plate if Howard lived alone? Had he planned this risky death trap? Or had he set up plates to make himself feel better? Perhaps both. Perhaps he had expected more students to be kidnapped and attend to his lovely dining. Either way, this fuck was depressing even to look at. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake with an anxious stutter decides whether or not when to eat dinner. Fortunately, he didn't even have to ask. Howard spoke softly this time; his face was calm before he opened his mouth. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "So grandson, for supper tonight we are having mashed potatoes and chicken ala king. Does that fulfill your satisfaction?" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake couldn't say no, otherwise there would be a stupid comment by this crinkly bastard. To conclude his dumb decision, he played along./span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Sure, grandfather! Sounds wonderful." /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" With an annoying nasal laugh, Howard wrapped his crusty hand awkwardly across drakes shoulder. Now drake made the 'josh face' I told you about earlier. To break free, drake asks another question. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "So where will I sleep tonight?" On top of all things, Howard's reply was the scariest of all. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "With me, honey bear."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Drake was getting pushed pretty far, but till this point was a shove from America to Germany. The intensity rushing through his brain had hit the limit. It was hit so hard that the smart part of his brain had been broken open very briefly, giving him a chance to get out of this mess. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well I don't think that's a good idea for the first few nights. Lemme get comfortable, plus I snore really bad!"/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" Howard could see his point, and what could've been a no to the answer, was a great o-k. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "But only for one night, pal. I get lonely up here.." Howard says with sorrow. Drake knew he was just trying to make him feel bad, but he had not a single slice of sympathy for that fucking child offender. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "So uh where's my room?" Drake asks. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" "Well, I do have a spare room with a telephone and a cozy couch-ooh so cozy-so you can have that. And maybe once you get comfy, we can snuggle together."/span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" No. Just no. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" At nighttime, drake settled into his room, found blankets and hopped in with his jeans. A call from the hallway; "goodnight, sweetie!" /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" With a cringe, drake calls back with a goodnight. /span/p
p style="color: #222222; margin: 0px; font-family: Helvetica;"span style="font-size: 12pt;" There lies the telephone, waiting to be dialed upon the fingers of drake, waiting for 911 to be dialed, except drake didn't think it was time to do that yet. Too much of a risk. Howard could probably hear the voice of drake on the phone if he even did it. Howard, from observation, was a man of planning. Who knows what could happen. All drake could do was say, "it will only get better. Only better."/span/p