Hello fellow Grand Guignol Orchestra fans. Thank you for taking time to read my first ever oneshot for this fandom.
Author's Notes: A little while ago, my English class finished Robert Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, and while not my most favorite book in the whole world, something within the novel did strike a chord with me (probably because I was getting close to finishing this series, and so my head was filled the thoughts of the characters). One of the few female characters, and only female member of the Bundren family, Dewey Dell (within the context of the novel-and this idea was brought up by a classmate, not me.), is embarrassed and ashamed her gender and subsequent sexuality. This comment got me to thinking about Celes and her role within the orchestra. Even though her age is never stated, I believe it's a common fandom assumption that she is either around or at the age of puberty. And while I'll admit, such an event occurs at different times for all girls, I'm just going with the average age (which should put her anywhere from ten to fourteen. Personally I think she's either twelve or thirteen, but that's neither here nor there) to be safe.
I also wanted to try working with the narrative style Faulkner uses, called Stream of Conscious. This is a weird style, and if you've read Faulkner, you'll know what I'm talking about. Anyways, sorry for the long author intro, I just wanted to get that out of the way. Now, onto the story!
It's easier for boys. It has to be. Boys don't have to worry about their chests expanding; boys don't have to worry about their hips getting broader. More importantly, they don't have to worry about monthly bleeding. All they have to be concerned with is the changing of their voice. Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I were a boy. That way, I wouldn't be so afraid of growing up. Of course, then again, I probably wouldn't be so paranoid about something I can't stop if I wasn't spending my time on the road with a group of men, who haven't the foggiest idea what to do when it comes to a developing girl. If I was back in Toussaint I'd either have Vivian, or another female to look to for matters such as this. Unfortunately, as it stands now, the only other female I know is Spinel, and I have no way of contacting her. Besides, this whole thing is kind of embarrassing to talk about. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. My body is different from theirs, and all these changes make it more obvious.
So far I've been lucky. The only thing I have to worry about right now is my chest. It started about a month back, after we left a small town by the name of Aphelia; at first it was just a small sting centered around my nipples. However, the more the day progressed, the more the sting broadened, soon turning into one throbbing pain that had me grinding my teeth in agony at any slight contact. Okay, maybe not agony, but it still hurt quite a bit. I feel as if at any moment, my skin will split apart from all the stretching that's going on. I just don't know how my body can stay intact when every nerve ending in my brain seems to think I'm being slowly pulled apart.
My hips hurt too, although I'm clueless as to why. They don't seem to be widening, but I did find what look to be small stretch marks on the skin just over the bone. I still feel like a stick though.
Lucille's been giving me some pretty gentle smiles lately; I think he knows what's going on. Something about that just mortifies me all the more. I don't want him to know what I'm going through. It's just...it seems like something that should be private, something only I should be privy to. I mean, I know he's trying to comfort me (he's probably seen the pained looks I get on my face from time to time), but I'd rather he not know-if he does that is. Which he does. Nothing escapes Lucille's watchful gaze.
Of course, the pain isn't constant; it comes and it goes, and while it's aggravating to say the least, I think I can handle the pain far better than the sensitivity. It's like I can feel any touch no matter how light it is, and it's not just my chest-my neck's been getting that way too. It's not that way all the time, but, much like the pain, when it comes, it's more than I can bear. For example, the other day, Lucille was playing with a lock of my hair, remarking how it was getting longer when we hit a bump in the road, causing his fingers to slip and poke me in the neck-the part where the neck and the shoulder meet. At that moment, my whole body tensed and then went limp while the nerves in my neck crackled like lightning, sending sparks of electricity shooting through the rest of my body. I gasped and Lucille, thinking I was hurt, apologized. I shook my head and told him I wasn't hurt, but that was all I told him. It would have been far too weird to tell him what actually happened.
I had the strangest dream once. It began when I opened my eyes and found myself lying on the cold ground. Everything was wrapped within an inky, black pall, blinding me without ever having pierced my eyes. Confused, I pushed myself to my feet and as I ran my hands over my arms in an attempt to warm myself I realized I was naked. This realization sent a shudder of shame through me and I crossed my arms over my exposed chest and began to walk in a random direction, searching for a way out I knew I would not find. After a few long moments of walking, I began to hear voices drifting towards me. Like a cold breeze, they sailed past me, caressing my skin. Drawn towards the noise like a moth to flame, I followed the coalescing sounds that grew louder with each step I took. Soon, their volume grew to such a pitch and they mixed so far together, that the only noise I could distinguish was a thick, buzzing drone that burrowed into my ears with all the tenderness of a power drill. Eventually, they stopped, leaving me kneeling on the ground, pressing my palms flat to my ears with my fingers digging into the back of my head.
When I was sure that everything had ended, I rose from my position and dropped my hands to my sides. However, the silence and peace did not last, and as soon as I was back on my feet, I heard a woman's voice behind me say with just a hint of contempt;
"Why, you're not a boy at all!"
Before I could whip around, hands shot out of the darkness behind me and clamped around my chest. I yelped and squirmed when I felt the hands squeeze.
"Hm, a bit small," a male voice from my left said, "but coming along quite well if I must say." And with that, another set of hands slunk out of the shadows at my feet and wrapped themselves around my hips. Another pair dove for my thighs, while a lone hand settled on my belly. They began to fly out of the shadows, squeezing whatever they could grab with one hand and caressing whatever their fingertips landed on with another. The voices were back and chattering worse than before, each one commenting on either a certain aspect of my body or my identity as a girl. Shaking and writhing, I tried everything I could, but to no avail. I couldn't break the grip those accusing, probing, condemning hands had on me. Just when I thought I could take no more, they evaporated, disappearing and leaving only the traces of their touch behind. Never before had I felt more exposed, more violated. As I stumbled backwards, I felt someone catch me. Body pumped full of adrenaline, I prepared to throw off whoever it was, until their words froze me to the spot.
"Don't you think it's time you started being a girl again, Celes?"
Upon hearing Lucille's voice, I tried to turn my head to look at him, but my body refused to respond to my commands. Before I could put forth another useless attempt at movement, Lucille wrapped his arms around me. One around my shoulders and the other encircling my waist.
"You shouldn't fight it," he pressed, "there's no sense in fighting something inevitable. Not when your body has already conceded."
Unable to retort, I whimpered. I didn't want to accept it. I still don't now. Lucille leaned over and pressed his lips to my ear.
"You'll be a beautiful woman, Celes. You just need to sit back and let this happen. After all," here he moved from my ear to my neck. His lips hovered mere centimeters above my pulse, "you want me to find you beautiful, right? Then let yourself grow into the lovely woman I know you'll become." He planted a kiss on my neck, and I cried out for him to stop, that I wasn't ready to grow up, that I didn't want to. The maestro paid me no heed and tightened his grip, pulling me closer to him. As his teeth nipped my heated flesh, I yelled one last time for him to stop.
The next thing I knew, my eyes had flown open, revealing my location to be between a group of cases and the interior wall of the hearse. As I lay in my makeshift nest, panting and trembling, I could hear Kohaku and Lucille arguing about directions up front through the small glass pane that separated the cabin from the trailer. Closing my eyes, I hunkered back down in my bungalow, pretending to still be asleep when I heard Lucille call out to see if I had woken up or not.
Three weeks have passed since I had that dream, and it still makes me shudder. Those hands, Lucille, the darkness, my nakedness. Awful, just an awful experience. I don't see why everyone makes a big deal of girls maturing when at least half the people of the world should know what kind of hell it is. I mean, I haven't even started bleeding, and I'm already going through some messed up psychological/hormonal/physical...situations! I hate it. I wish I didn't have to be a girl, then everything would be easier.
Maybe, if I were to be a boy, I wouldn't be putting my body under such scrutiny. Maybe I wouldn't feel so miserable and insecure about what I am.
My apologies for the abrupt ending (seemed that way to me anyway). Comparing this to Faulkner, it's not quite the sort of Stream of Conscious I was hoping to achieve, but then again, Faulkner's one of those tricky guys. Honestly, the characters jump from one topic to another, then circle back around to the first topic, and you're left scratching your head and going "whaaaa..." I hope I at least made sense. Did I? Drop me line in the form of a review, I'd love to hear from you!