(A/N: What happens when Mayuri and his vice-captain visit a carnival in the world of the living? A whole lotta LOLs)
Disclaimer: I do not own Mayuri or Nemu or anyone else from Tite Kubo's series Bleach
3rd Person pov
"Why are we here again?" Mayuri grumbled as he and his vice-captain walked down the dirt path ignoring all of the staff and guests of the carnival.
"Because the Head Captain believed you were working too hard and said you needed a break." Nemu answered him for the fifth time today.
"But I don't need a break, I have to continue my research!" Mayuri fumed.
"This is the fifth time we have had this discussion Mayuri-san and I will say my statement again for the fifth time, didn't the Head Captain say that Unohana would be guarding the Senkaimon should you choose to bail on your vacation." Mayuri turned pale at the mention of the 4th squad captains name.
"Mayuri-san look," Nemu pointed to a booth, "A museum of oddities." Mayuri's eyes glistened.
"Well well well, let's take a look here shall we." Mayuri paid the ticket master 100 yen per person and went to see the exhibit. He looked from the Man with two heads, to the lizard boy, to the horse faced girl, to the world's most overweight man, only to come to one conclusion. "Please I could come up with better oddities in my sleep." He grumbled. After exiting the exhibit Mayuri looked at the carnival map only to have someone blow a party horn in his ear, startling him. "Okay who's the wise guy?" Mayuri shouted.
"Lucifer buddy, where ya been?" A clown said to Mayuri, "Put her there," he extended his hand.
"My name is not Lucifer it's Mayurriiiiiiiiiiiiii," Mayuri had shook hands with a clown only to be shocked by the joy buzzer.
"What're you talking about, you look just like him," the clown said, poking around the clothes to Mayuri's gigai.
"Unhand me," Mayuri swatted the clown away, "Nemu, fetch me my stun gun!" Unfortunately Nemu was nowhere in sight. "Nemu?"
Meanwhile…
BANG!
"Another bullseye, here you are little lady," the stall keeper of the rifle range handed Nemu a prize.
Back to Mayuri
That's it, he thought to himself eyes closed fist clenched, when we get back to the barracks I'm going to rewire her programming…again! Suddenly the 12th captain was grabbed by two men wearing sunglasses and black suits.
"Target found," one spoke into a walkie-talkie, "proceeding to return Lucifer von Bingo to the clown's tent."
"What? I'm not a clown, unhand me. Nemuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" Mayuri screamed as he was dragged away.
Meanwhile
ZIP! POP!
"Excellent accuracy here you go miss," Nemu was handed a prize by the man at the water ballon dart board.
ZIP! POP!
"Nice accuracy sir, would you like a prize this time?"
"Have I popped enough balloons for that billiard table yet?"
"One more,"
"Fine,"
ZIP! POP!
"Here you go!"
"Thanks,"
"Ishida-san?"
"Nemu-san?" Uryu looked in Nemu's direction only to fall over as the giant box containing the billiard table was placed in Uryu's hands.
"Let me help you with that," she lifted it off him.
"Thanks," he said, "So what brings you here?" he asked.
"Mayuri-san was asked to take a vacation and I was supposed to prevent him from sneaking back to Soul Society."
"I see, I take it he's not enjoying himself,"
"You know, he's been quiet recently."
"Where is he?" Uryu asked.
Nemu pointed to the nearby bench of the man who had been following her. He looked similar to Mayuri, but was not the same.
"Nemu-san, that's not your father, that's a clown."
Nemu turned pale and had a sudden feeling of angst, "Mayuri-san! Mayuri-san! Taicho! Mayuri-san!!!!"
Meanwhile…
"Get out on stage Lucifer, the audience has been waiting."
"I told you before my name is Mayuri, and I don't even know the first thing about being funny. I'm a researcher!" Mayuri yelled as he was shoved out on stage. He looked, the spotlight was on him and there were at least 1000 people in the stands. Mayuri gulped. It was so quiet you could hear someone cough. What do I do? I don't know the first thing about being a comedian or a clown. This is ridiculous, thanks a lot Head Captain, Nemu, Unohana, I'll be sure to get you all back for this. A sweat drop exuded from his face, well maybe just Nemu.
"Do something!" someone in the stands shouted.
"Quiet! This is a total misunderstanding for me, I'm being mistaken for someone else I swear. I am not the clown Lucifer Von Bingo I am Mayuri Kurotsuchi the great researcher." The audience burst out laughing at Mayuri's ranting. They're laughing, hmmm…this was intended to be a vacation, but maybe I can use this opportunity to explore what makes humans laugh.
"So if you're such a great researcher then what's the meaning of life?"
"Idiot! There's no such thing! You people only believe that there is one so that you can put money into the drug company's anti-depressants market. Which by the way, don't get the liquid type, it goes right through you." Mayuri passed gas, everyone laughed. Mayuri smiled devilishly.
Meanwhile…
"Calm down, Nemu-san we'll find him," Uryu reassured the 12th Squad fukutaicho.
"But what if he's gone back to Soul Society? I'm going to get reprimanded for this I know it.
"That's not likely. If you were able to mistake that clown for Kurotsuchi-taicho it's likely someone else would've as well, namely the staff." Uryu walked over to the clown and grabbed his color, "You're coming with us." He said, dragging the clown behind him. "Nemu can you carry everything."
"Hai, Ishida-san, and thank you for your help."
"It's no trouble at all Nemu-san,"
"But why are you helping me?"
"My dad's hospital funds this carnival," he flashed a badge, "I'm part of the staff at the same time that I'm a guest so if something here is messed up I need to fix it."
"I see,"
Meanwhile…
"…So then listen to this I found that my data files had been corrupted and I threatened that when I found the person who did I would pickle them in acid." Mayuri continued to tell the story, the audience howled with laughter. It's working, I could do this all day.
Backstage…
"Hey you people can't be back here this is a restricted area!" Uryu flashed his badge, "Oh Gomen, Vice-president please proceed." With Nemu's help Uryu flung the actual Lucifer Von Bingo onto the stage who collided into Mayuri.
"What two of them?" the audience members were confused.
"Ow," Mayuri rubbed his head. Lucifer stood up and posed with the musical sound of 'Ta-da'! The audience clapped, some whistled.
"Let's give a big hand folks to my impersonator, how about a big round of applause?" People clapped and clapped, Mayuri left the stage to where Nemu and Uryu were waiting.
"Nemu what took you so long?" He fumed.
"Gomen, Mayuri-san, but that clown looks just like you." Nemu bowed in apology.
"And you Quincy boy what are you doing here?"
"Helping your vice-captain find you, my father is funding this carnival so I had to help."
"Hmph, whatever, let's go Nemu, vacation's over."
"Hai, Mayuri-san,"
"Nemu-san,"
"Hmm," Nemu turned in Uryu's direction.
"If you want to come back here, not that I'd think you'd want to, but if you want to come to this carnival on your own, you can I can get you a VIP pass."
"Arigato Ishida-san. I'll think about it."
"Nemu! Where are you? Hurry up before I change my mind about not punishing you."
Uryu smiled, "You'd better go while that offer stands."
"Hai," Nemu then ran after her Vice-captain.
12th Division
"Oh captain you're back," Akon said as Mayuri walked in the door, "How was the carnival?"
"Phe," Mayuri spat.
"What happened?" Akon asked the vice-captain.
"Mayuri-san was mistaken for a clown." Nemu said trying her best not to laugh.
"Taicho mistaken for a clown, that carnival has more screws loose than a malfunctioning robot," Hiyosu said.
"Now, now Hiyosu I think the captain is funny in a way."
"You do?" Nemu asked Akon.
"Yeah funny-looking," Akon and Hiyosu slapped five. Mayuri who was in ear shot turned around and glared at Akon. "No captain, wait it was just a joke!"
"I'll freaking kill you!" Mayuri chased Akon and Hiyosu with Ashisogi Jizou's Shikai, "Do you have any idea what I had to go through today?"
"No captain wait, you look fine honest, no captain wait please aaaagh!"
End.
(A/N: This was my attempt at humor. What did you think? While I don't think IshiNemu is canon I don't dislike the pairing and I figured that Nemu would never be able to recover her captain on her own, plus I thought that Uryu would have the biggest chance of helping her without any problems as opposed to say Ichigo. Let me know what you think, this was a dream I had last night so I decided to put it on paper. I like the way it turned out, but let me know).