The first time dad asked him to do it he was speechless, there was no way he could do it by himself
'its just some stitches Sammy, you can do it yourself' repeated John exasperated by his younger son once more 'It'll hurt a little but you have to learn how to do it' still nothing 'come on, you've seen Dean a million times' finally an answer, tears... Oh boy he thought and got close 'ok, I'll do it for you, but you have to practice ok?' after less than ten minutes Sam had a bandage and was ok, just few stitches
it wasn't the first time.
Then again during training, still he couldn't, and alot more but the one he remembers is from a hunt that went bad.
'Hurry up' said John while trying to stop the bleeding from his brow 'Dean and James are alone...' had Sammy bleeding again, a cut on his leg from being launched against a glass window 'do it fast' said giving him the kit 'it'll hurt less' said while patching himself, Sam didn't move yet, his leg was throbbing, and felt dizzy, not form pain of bloodloss but the idea of piercing his own skin with a needle, John was ready took more ammo and left 'Sammy, we need you there, hurry up' and moved 'listen, follow the trail, if you see something, shot first ask latter ok?' looked for a second into SAm's eyes, he nodded, pale faced while his dad left.
Sam couldn't do it, still too afraid to stitch his flesh alone, stayed there while voices screamt, he heard the guns shotting and could smell th epowder, and felt stupid being left behind because he was scared, was about to cry, of shame and pain, a loniness neither his dad or his brother understood, out of nowhere Dean appeared and held the needle holder for him, stitched him up fast, quiet, very quiet and serious, so not like Dean, asking only if it hurt too much.
'you ok?' asked Sam, green eyes turned to him and he saw fear, FEAR in Dean's eyes
'James is dead...' said and sighed, it was the first time they saw something like that, Dean just steps away from the man before he died, felt the last breath left his body and drops of his blood were all over his face 'you really need to get this done by yourself Sammy...' turned his head and moved away to start packing the guns while Sam covered his stitches, Dad was coming serious and tired, saw the stitches and smiled wearily
'good job kid' ruffled Sam's hair with a bloody hand and moved away, Dean got close again taking the bandage from his brother 'promise me Sammy, you'll learn to do this yourself...' bit his lips and once more looked into his baby brother's eyes.
'I don't want to...' Sam Whinned, Dean sighed and held his hand
'promise me you'll learn...' Big hazel eyes on him, asking without words 'James had a wife, she died two days ago, this .. thing, killed her, and he didn't know how to take care of this... of any of this.. said finishing the bandage 'what if...' swallowed hard 'what if something happens to me? I don't want you to be helpless Sammy, you have to learn, just...' hishand still over his brother's leg, his Sammy, sighed again.
'what's gonna happen to you? Are you ok?' asked worried checking on his bruises,Dean smiled and pushed him away, poker face on, so Sam won't worry about him.
'nothing, not right now... but... one day...' shook his head agan, his voice tired and low 'that's the first hunter I saw dead, they... we...' young eyes suddenly aged in front of his brother 'WE! We're not invincible, if we... dad, me... if I die...' snorted as if all this were a joke 'just... ' shook his head again like getting rid of bad memories 'just learn ok?' dad was getting close again
'you see? is not that hard, is it?' asked with another smile for Sam, turned to Dean 'you ok champ?' Dean nodded faking a smile, he never let others see, thought Sam, that's a secret for them only 'good, we're leaving pick everything up while I... I'll take care of...' pointed to the darkness
'James...?' murmured Dean, his father sighed and nodded and left holding a gas can, they could only hear few steps, crickets and the sound of th eliquid hitting the walls of the can.
'we'll get ice cream if you want some' said from the darkness, Dean answered with a "great" they packed everything up while first the smell of petrol filed the air, then wood, then a bittersweet, weirdly familiar smell of burning flesh, Sam always wonder how Dean can love Beef so much when they know how alike it smells to human flesh, turned to see his face when Pean put another jacket, his leather jacket over Sammy's shoulders, they waited in the car for their father, a tall red flame illuminated the night, they could see his dad near to the fire.
Sam turned once more when Dean's breath hitched, thought he saw tears in his brother's eyes, Nahh! it was Dean, he never cries, he thought, but he was breathing harshly and his arm had Sam pressed against his side. still, Sam wanted to believe that Dean never cries, Dean is never afraid, Dean will never leave him, maybe dad, but not Dean.
::::
after that Wednesday, Sam learned few things, for a start he learned that it was good that he finally got to stitch himself up, and remembered the 'if I die...' he learnt just like Dean wanted and he did a damn good job considering the endless tears from his eyes, left alone... was what he thought, left alone, almost 20 years ago he warned this would happen but still hurt the same.
Even with the pain and the cold and the fear the smell filling everything and staying in his nose and their clothes for days, the only thing he could remember is Dean's concern, not wanting to leave him alone.
Now he missed his Dean more than anything else from his real or his once perfect normal life.