Disclaimer

I do not own Twilight, or anything else mentioned in this story.

This is Butt-House Blondies in all its awesomeness. Enjoy it. Or don't.

Butt-House Blondies by Ariel Pink's Haunted Grafitti

She used to be stoned at sixteen

Now all she knows is that she can breed

Butt-House Blondies

She used to care

Sometimes I think I was born backwards… you know, come out of my mom the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards, I feel like I'm spinning in circles and I can't stop. The people I should love, I start to hate. And the people I should hate, I love.

I wonder why I'm here, in this life. I wonder why I'm here in Forks, instead of somewhere else, like in Africa helping the poor or some shit like that.

I wonder if I have a purpose beyond getting high with my friends and being an idiot all the time.

I wonder if love is real.

But I don't have the time to answer those questions and I'm sure you don't either.

Because right now I am staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, watching the paint peel around the water spots, knowing school starts in thirty minutes.

I am Bella Swan and my life is about to change.

And before you ask, the answer is no. This is not some happy story that I pulled out of my ass, this is just my effed up life.

It's not 1986, I'm not Molly Ringwald, and John Hughes did not direct my life. This is the woeful sarcastic tale that is Isabella Marie Swan.

I'm sixteen years old, I live with my trusty cop father, Charlie, who I never speak to, and I'm a stoner.

My phone rings and I know it's either Rose, Jasper, or James, because they are really the only people who have my phone number.

I get up and answer.

"Helllooo?" I say in an awesome just-woke-up-voice.

"Where are you bitch? I've been waiting outside your house for like twenty minutes now, and I still don't see your pasty ass running out the door!"

And that would be Rosalie Hale, my best friend. We have known each other all our lives and are inseparable.

She is blond, beautiful and a total bitch. She fucks up anyone who gets in her way and doesn't care about anything or anyone.

Her brother Jasper, is one year older than us and a total pot-head, he's who bought us our first joint. But Jasper is also a total manwhore, putting his hand up any skirt in the area. And I'm not proud to say that I have let him touch my boobs on occasion while drunk. He is pretty hot after all.

And then there is James, the fourth member of our fucked up group. He is creepy, but funny, and he is also our drug dealer. He's more Jasper's friend than mine, but I have caught him giving me the eye a few times.

And if you don't know what the eye is, it's that look a guy gives you when he wants to totally stick his hand down your pants.

"Hey! Are you even listening to me?" Rosalie yelled in my ear.

"Oh right..yeah.. I'll be down in a few."

"You better." She hung up.

I got dressed in black jeans and.. Oh fuck. I forgot to do laundry last night.

All of my hoodies are totally stunk up, I have nothing to wear unless I want to look like a jackass.

All that's left in my closet are tank tops and… wait… this might work.

I pulled on the top and looked at myself in the mirror.

I was wearing a low-cut blue long-sleeve shirt with… no bra. Great.

Rose beeped the horn from outside.

No bra it is then.

I went to the bathroom and did my duties. Haha, duties.

My hair looked fine, long, brown, with a wave, normal.

I ran downstairs and out the door to see Rose waiting by her purple Camaro, tapping her foot.

"Sorry, sorry. I know I overslept, we will make it, don't worry."

Rose rolled her eyes and jumped into the front seat.

I said hi to Jasper who was in the backseat smoking a joint.

He glanced to my boobs and smirked.

"Cold Bella?" Jasper slurred.

"Fuck you. Heyyyy, sharing is caring, you wanna pass that bad boy up here?" pointing to the joint.

"Sure, lil' lady." and passed me the joint.

"Jasper, quit the southern accent thing. Will ya? We are from Washington for Christ's sake!" Rose yelled, as she drove like a maniac.

I tuned out their chatter and took a drag from the joint.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…"

This is my purpose in life, ladies and gentlemen.

We made it to school safe and sound, and parked next to James' motorcycle.

I hopped out of the car, feelin' oh so fine.

"So did ya hear?" Rose said.

"Hear what?" I smiled leaning against the car, like every morning.

"We have new students fuckwad, that's what."

"Bitch. Wait it's October, that's kinda weird don't ya think?"

Jasper appeared at my side. "Maybe it's your birthday wish come true Bells. A hot new boyfriend for ya."

James suddenly spoke up behind him, "That's right, cause none of us here are good enough for Miss Bella Swan."

Jasper grimaced and it was silent for a few moments.

"Yeah, a lot of guys are interested B, what's wrong with half of Forks High Junior Class?" Rose asked.

"Is it too much to ask for someone to be interesting?" I said.

"I just think you're an arrogant bitch." James sneered.

"Hey! James cool it man! What the fuck's up with you lately?" Jasper punched James' shoulder.

James looked a me for a long second. "Nothin' man, just a lot on my mind is all." He looked around. "Hey, it's almost time for first period, I'm goin." And with that, he left.

Rose and I walked to first period in silence.

"You know, you should totally give your virginity up to James, I mean, I bet he has a big dick." Rose looked like she was containing her laughter.

I didn't think it was so funny.

"Yeah well you sucked Mike Newton's dick." I said.

"Touche, my friend."

And everything was right in the world, until I saw one very hot new student by the name of Edward Cullen.

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