"You know how Drake said 'start up from the bottom; now we're here?'" Maya asked while washing her face in slow-motion.
"Wait, who's Drake?" Tristan asked. "Is he from some band I don't know about?"
Maya wiped her face with a dry washcloth. "Isn't he from one of the early seasons of West Drive?"
"No," Tristan said. "I have the names of every cast member who ever existed on that show starting in the 80s right up here," he said, tapping his head, "and I'd know if there was ever a Drake on it."
This puzzled Maya. "I think he went by Aubrey while he was on West Drive though, right? Or was it Jimmy?"
"He was never on West Drive," Tristan insisted. "Come on, who's the expert on that show? You, or me?"
"You," Maya conceded. "So who the hell is Drake, then?"
Tristan shrugged. "It's one of those great mysteries like whether or not Miles is really bisexual or just got written that way to keep fans from thinking the show was being cis-het-washed after Adam was killed."
"Oh," Maya said. "But Drake has to be from somewhere. I mean, this is gonna bug me forever."
"Is he a Degrassi alum who became a big celebrity?" Tristan asked.
"No, because he always talks about how he used to be on a teen drama show," Maya explained. "The only Degrassi people who have been on TV in the last few years are that Manny Santos girl who was on West Drive for five minutes and Holly J who was interviewed on TV about Mia, and probably Mia whose modeling was broadcasted a little bit. Oh, and Zoë."
"That reminds me," Tristan said. "I'm gonna run for class president and ask Zoë to be my campaign manager. I'm gonna be the first gay president!"
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Marco was class president years ago, and Alex was his vice. I'm pretty sure they were both gay," Maya reminded him. "I uh…heard that from Katie who heard it from Clare who heard it from Darcy who heard it from Manny. That's how I know TNG trivia."
"What's TNG?" Tristan asked.
"I have no idea," Maya admitted.
When everyone arrived at school, Zig rushed to Maya's side. "Maya, I am so, so sorry I was flirting with Gloria all summer. I think she might've been a Mary Sue. Think about it, Maya. No guy can resist a Mary Sue. Even Edward Cullen has dated a few of them in his time!"
"And why should I believe she was a Mary Sue and that you weren't just flirting with other girls to be a jerk?" Maya asked.
"Because!" Zig exclaimed. "Think about it! The girl was so hot that every guy, including the ones with established girlfriends, went crazy over her. She was ten times better at everything than all the main characters, like better at video blogging than Tristan, better at babysitting than you, yadda yadda, the list goes on. But then she had some dark secret that 'humanized' her somewhat. That's the definition of a Mary Sue."
Maya realized her boyfriend was right. "Oh Zig! I forgive you!"
The two started kissing in an empty classroom just as Frankie walked in with a bunch of freshman, the only important one being Vijay. "I love high school!" he called out.
Maya and Zig were embarrassed.
"Did Pill leave?" Zig asked.
"Why do you ask that?" Maya responded.
"Because if Pill were here, she would've watched that entire makeout session on one of her security cameras and then raced down here to punish us," Zig said.
The truth was that Simpson had rushed down to Haiti to build houses over the summer. In his foolish optimism, he believed that by following Darcy's humanitarian footsteps, he could finally escape the clutches of Degrassi and get to be on The CW. Much to his dismay, Degrassi helicopters showed up to drag him back on.
"I don't get it!" he had cried out in horror. "You black-hole dozens of teenagers each year. Why can't I leave?"
"You're the one remaining relic that makes this still Degrassi," one of the kidnappers said.
Long story short, Principal Simpson was back at the school, getting ready to announce the rules for the class elections.
"Why are the elections happening at the beginning of the school year?" Zoë asked Tristan. "Didn't Clare and Drew run at the end of the year before they got elected?"
Tristan shrugged. "Yeah, but Holly J and Sav ran at the beginning of their year. You've gotta remember that there's literally no consistent standard for how things are run at Degrassi. Even the classes you need to take in order to graduate don't stay consistent from one minute to the next. It's why we have so many super seniors."
"That makes sense," Zoë said.
Principal Simpson showed up to explain the rules. "Okay, so Miles, Tristan, and Goldi, you all need to follow one simple rule. Don't go over the $100 campaign budget."
"Excuse me," Miles said. "But why is the campaign budget lower than the cost of a yearbook at this school?"
"An excellent question," Principal Simpson said, "but if I try to understand one more incomprehensible thing about this god-forsaken school, I will literally go insane."
"While we're at it, isn't Zoë banned from extracurricular activities?" he asked. "I mean…this counts as one of those, right?"
Principal Simpson had nothing to say to that. "Uh…who cares? May the best candidate win!"
Meanwhile, Shay was in class with Tiny. "I like you," Tiny said. "You're smart and have all the important qualities I've ever hoped to find in a girl."
Lola and Frankie overheard this. "He likes you!" Frankie squealed.
"No he doesn't," Lola said. "He likes big butts, and he cannot lie."
"What are you talking about?" Shay asked.
"I just think his other brothers might not be able to deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in their face, they have a tendency to get sprung," Lola said. "That's all."
Shay started to worry. "Oh my God, the only solution is for me to literally stuff my pants full of toilet paper."
"I thought you were supposed to really, really smart," Frankie said. "You don't need to stuff your pants."
"Are you kidding? Since when did girls not need to do pointlessly unpleasant things to please guys?" Shay asked.
At lunch, Zig was all, "MAYA, PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I am a lonely, forlorn, destitute, shadow of a man! Yes, I was patient over the entire year that you ignored my romantic advances for, but I simply can't wait like four days until you have a night off this week to spend time with you."
Before Maya could respond, her phone rang. "Interested? Of course I'm interested."
"Interested in what?" Zig pouted.
"An audition," Maya said, "but in order to audition, I need a band. Grace, you wanna be in my band?"
"In your band?" Grace asked. "I don't play anything."
"Everyone at Degrassi can either play an instrument, sing, or dance," Maya corrected her. "So you have to be able to play something."
After school, Maya and Grace went to the music store. "Hi, we're trying to find out which instrument Grace can mysteriously already play," Maya said to the store owner. "Can you bring out literally everything until she shows Mozart-like precociousness in front of one of them?"
"Sure thing! I do this every year for kids from Degrassi. It'd be my pleasure," the owner said. "Finding out what instrument you magically play is a bit like finding the right wand in Harry Potter, after all." He went into the back and returned with a violin. "Go ahead. Wave it around. See if sparks come out!"
After failing to play the violin, the trombone, the drums, and the guitar, Grace sat down at a keyboard and instantly played Ene Kleine Nacht Music like she was some kind of acting professional who had been musically trained from a young age.
"That's the one!" the owner exclaimed. "Oh boy!"
Zig followed them into the store. "I'd like to try the guitar."
The store owner shook his head. "You can sing and dance. You can't play the guitar too. It just doesn't happen like that."
"But I played in Whisper Hug!" Zig argued. "I do so play the guitar."
"Not anymore, you don't," the shop owner said. "Vince uh…stole your talent and left it on the kitchen table before he got arrested. Then, Tiny found it and sold it so he could bail his big brother out of jail and send him to some serious counseling. That explains everything!"
Later that afternoon, Tristan was handing out his campaign flyers. "I'm everyone's gay best friend!"
"Oh yeah? Well I'm everyone's bi uh…uh…" Miles fumbled. "Uh…guy with a pool! I'm a bi guy with a pool! Yep! That's my campaign slogan!"
"You're stealing my ideas!" Tristan shouted.
"Whatever, you coming to my 4,000,986th pool party?" Miles asked. "I promise I won't abandon anyone in a pool house or humiliate Hunter or get into a sword fight at this one! For an added bonus, I promise no one will flee the party on a private jet!"
The entire student body was convinced, except for Goldi who is the new Liberty and will probably be branded as a killjoy because she believes in hard work being rewarded instead of handsome rich dudes getting whatever they want all the time just because why not?
Before the pool party began, Shay was all, "I don't have a booty! This is going to ruin my life."
Frankie somehow photo shopped one straight from Shay's phone, which was impressive. Lola then put the photo straight onto Hastygram.
"Why did you put that picture on Hastygram?" Shay asked Lola when they both arrived at the pool party.
"Because Hastygram is like Instagram for people who make hasty decisions," Lola said. "That makes sense, right?"
Just then, Tiny showed up, and Shay quickly jumped into the pool to make sure he wouldn't find out that the clearly photo shopped picture that was uploaded onto Lola's Hastygram two hours ago was photo shopped.
"Hey, so uh…I like you," Tiny said. "I think you're great, and it's mostly because of your vast amount of intelligence."
"All he cares about is my butt!" Shay lamented.
"You only have one option," Lola said, "and that is stuffing your pants with toilet paper."
Meanwhile, Zoë literally bumped into Grace and was like, "Hey. We should talk about that kiss."
"We will," Grace said, "just as soon as Emison talks about their kiss back in season 5 of Pretty Little Liars, Adrianna and Gia get back together on 90210, which isn't airing anymore, and Bubbline moves beyond subtext on Adventure Time."
"That doesn't sound soon," Zoë frowned.
"Well, see you in class!" Grace said.
After that, Tristan was all, "Miles, can I talk to you?"
Miles was like, "Sure, I mean, Triles fans have only been waiting for this moment for an entire year…I mean…uh…six months."
They went into the pool house. "You stole my campaign slogan," Tristan said.
"You're not over me," Miles said.
"You're wrong," Tristan said.
And then they kissed.
"What the hell was that?" Tristan asked. "What happened to all the sexy consent and romantic tension we used to have?"
"Uh…idk?" Miles said.
"Whatever. It's you or that new niner boy for me, so I guess we'd better get back together!" Tristan said.
The next day, Tristan wore a shirt Miles once said was cute. It made him look silly because Miles was wearing a suit and Goldi was fairly dressed up as well, but Tristan was wearing a t-shirt. "Maybe I'll throw the election for a boy! That sounds like a wise, empowered decision, right?" Tristan asked.
"Is the theme of this episode people acting dumb for guys?" Zoë asked. "If it is, then at least that's kind of neat because now all the random, unrelated plot lines they show in a given episode are actually almost related."
"I just think Miles has changed and is no longer going to be a jerk this year," Tristan said.
"I doubt it. Pretty sure we're still supposed to sit through an entire arc about him dating some emotional train wreck who fakes suicide attempts."
Just then, Tristan noticed that Miles was flirting with some niner. "Oh screw him," Tristan said.
Later that afternoon were the debates. "The last four class presidents Degrassi has had all did one thing wrong. They used their student council presidency as a mere plot device to either hook up with or get revenge on their crushes. It's time for a change! I, Goldi Nahir, plan to actually do my job as your student council president. I will get things done. For example, imagine if instead of hooking up and doing strip teases, your president and vice president took the time to hire enough security personnel to keep weapons out of your school dances. Imagine if instead of fighting with each other over who the baby daddy is, your president and vice president worked with administration to actually hire teachers to sponsor each and every student org so that nothing like Degrassi Nudes could ever happen again. Imagine if instead of leaving your lives and safety up to whatever gang feud and violent drama was happening this week, student council and the administration both put actual work into protecting you from being murdered? That way, instead of having to spend every other school year living in a police state, we could just prevent all the ridiculous chaos at this school from happening in the first place."
The crowd booed. "NO ONE WANTS THAT! THIS IS DEGRASSI!" someone shouted from the audience.
"YOU CAN'T JUST WALK IN HERE AND TRY TO MAKE US NOT KILL EACH OTHER!" someone else shouted.
Tristan was up next. "As your class president, I will uh…be your gay best friend."
Then, Miles was like, "I will be the most honest, dependable guy you've ever met."
Tristan busted up laughing. "Uh…you're kind of a giant man whore who lies about everything."
"Nuh uh!" Miles said.
"Yes hah!" Tristan said.
"This is exactly what I was talking about," Goldi said. "Do you really want to spend one more year letting your student council president and vice president use the student council office as nothing more than a place to hook up?"
"YES!" triles-is-otp-4ever-2018 screamed. "I literally could not care LESS about making this school a safer place as long as there's hot boy-on-boy action going on in at least half of the episodes this season!"
"You want them to hook up in the student council room?" Goldi asked incredulously.
"We already have a place to hook up!" Miles argued. "It's called the pool house."
"Um…no one wants to hook up at a crime scene," Tristan said.
"So-rry it's the only place I have! It's not my fault my dad smashed my entire room last year!" Miles whined. "For all anybody knows, you don't even have a house, so nyeh!"
"Nyeh yourself!" Tristan argued back. "I do so have a house! You just haven't seen it yet!"
The next day, Jonah was wandering aimlessly around the school. "Cheeseless crust, where am I going to get some new friends? I mean…I can't hang out with the gang anymore because that would be very ungodly, and Becky trucking graduated on me! It's very sad because I will never find another cute blonde girl with a jealous boyfriend to be in a band with."
Just then, Maya showed up. "Hi, Jonah. Do you want to be in a band with me?"
"It depends," Jonah said. "Do you have a jealous boyfriend who jumps to the conclusion that you and I are doing the sex just because I'm a boy and you're a girl and we're in a band together? I do my best rubber ducking work under those circumstances."
Zig walked by, his eyes wide with anger. "You'd better stay away from Maya, you flippy-haired loser!"
"He's even worse than Drew was! Count me in!" Jonah said to Maya.
Later, Maya was like "Zig, can you explain to me why you're constantly acting like a jealous tool all of a sudden?"
"I don't get it. Since when was music important to you?" Zig demanded.
"Since the first episode I was in?" Maya reminded him. "Is that really all you're upset about?"
"There's something else," Zig whined. "We had sex this one time, and now we don't have sex."
"Didn't we decide we weren't ready?" Maya asked.
"Maybe, but I mean…I could've sworn that at some point you said you wanted to love me so hard like a 70s porno."
"I never said that," Maya said.
"So you don't want me? At all?" Zig asked.
"I don't actively not want to have sex with you if that helps," Maya said.
"Thanks!" Zig said. "I feel all better now."
Shay walked into school with her pants stuffed full of toilet paper. "That looks silly," Frankie said.
"It does?" Shay asked. "Oh no!"
Class started. "Hey, Shay, could you walk all over the classroom getting each and every one of the pieces of equipment for the lab so I won't have to get up?" Tiny asked.
"Uh…sure," Shay said, trying to walk sideways and backwards so that Tiny wouldn't see that there was toilet paper in her pants.
Just then, Winston spilled a dangerous chemical on her pants. "I'm so sorry! It's just so hard not to bump into people when they're walking backwards!" he said.
"That's corrosive!" Tiny yelled. "I'm the only person in the class who knows this! Shay, quick, you gotta take off your pants."
She did, and then everyone saw a lot of Kleenex in her pants. "My life is over," she said, "but I will admit I'm grateful that this corrosive chemical that can eat through solid jeans and underwear can't eat through weak pieces of Kleenex."
"You have a bad cold or something? Because you can get these tiny little Kleenex packets for your pocket or purse so you won't have to stuff them all in your jeans," Tiny said.
"Yeah…I'll uh…remember that for next time," Shay said.
Then, the announcements came on. "Your new class president is Miles Hollingsworth III! Your vice president is Tristan Milligan. Prepare for some of the worst drama you've ever seen!"
Tristan and Zoë sat dejectedly on the bathroom floor. "I can't believe I lost to my ex," Tristan said. "He's such a tool."
Just then, Goldi showed up. "This is the girls' bathroom!"
"I'm everyone's gay best friend," Tristan argued. "That makes it okay for me to be in the girls' bathroom."
Goldi gave him a narrowed glare. "You mean to tell me that the school never lifted its ban on a trans man who was medically transitioning using the boys' bathroom, but guys can just walk right into the girls' bathroom as long as they're gay? Someone please explain to me how this makes sense."
"Nothing about Degrassi's policies stays consistent from one minute to the next," Tristan explained to her.
"It sure doesn't," Goldi agreed. "I mean, there was supposed to be a rule saying no one was allowed to spend more than $100 on campaigning, and then Miles threw some incredibly expensive party to buy people's vote."
Tristan realized that was true and went to tell Simpson about it. "Miles Hollingsworth III, please come to the office," Simpson said over the intercom.
Miles did that. "Sit down, Miles," Principal Simpson said. "It has come to my attention that you went over budget with your big campaign party. You were supposed to only spend $100 on campaigning, and you spent at least that much on food and drink alone."
"Wait, how do you know that?" Miles asked. "Did you dig my receipts out of the trash?"
"I just know," Simpson said.
"And what do you mean food and drink alone?" Miles asked. "What the hell else did I buy? I'm pretty sure my family already owns a sound system. Was Lola's inner-tube new?"
"I have no idea, but for the sake of the plot we're going to assume you selfishly spent a gazillion dollars and are now disqualified," Principal Simpson said.
"Dangit, this is all Tristan's fault!" Miles pouted.
So then Miles left the principal's office and found Tristan looking super guilty. "Sorry I did that," Tristan said. "I just worry that if Goldi doesn't get to be at least vice president, then she'll never get any plot lines and will get black holed before we ever learn a thing about her."
"This isn't a TV show!" Miles said. "She doesn't need plot lines."
"You're wrong, Miles," Tristan said.
"You know what?" Miles asked. "I was so super not over you before, but now I'm so super over you! For good. Forever. Totally. Mark my word, this show will never find a way to get us back together."
From the shadows, a demon watched everything that was happening. "For the greatest OTP to reunite, we must show Miles how much worse his other options truly are. It's time we summon Esme Song to fulfill her destiny."
HAVE WE SEEN THE LAST OF TRILES, OR ARE THEY GONNA BE LIKE ECLARE AND BE ON AND OFF UNTIL THEY'RE THIRTY AND ONE OF THEM TURNS INTO A HIPSTER?
WILL GRACE EVER RETURN ZOË'S FEELINGS?
WILL MAYA AND ZIG BREAK UP?
HOW AND WHEN DID HUNTER MEET YAEL AND HOW ARE THEY ALREADY FRIENDS WHEN HUNTER IS AN ESTABLISHED LONER WHO TAKES FOREVER TO WARM UP TO PEOPLE?
IS LOLA SECRETLY INTO TINY? IS THAT WHY SHE THINKS TINY HAS TO LIKE BUTTS THAT ARE ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF HER OWN?
FIND OUT WHENEVER THE SHOW BOTHERS TO TELL US THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS !