A/N - I know it's Christmas (for another 12 minutes, at least) and everything, but I'm in the mood for some unrequited love. And, like, aren't we all required by law to do at least one Butterflied post-ep? I'm just abiding by the law here, that's all.
A/N #2 - Happy holidays and happy almost 2008!
She had no way of knowing, especially not now, but in about a year and a half, everything would change. They would be together. They would hold hands when watching movies at each other's houses. They'd kiss for the first time the night after they almost saw their best friend buried alive. They'd buy a dog together, move in together, get engaged, and she'd fade in and out and eventually back in until she was permanently in. That would happen, but not now. Now she was watching as he rejected her over and over again with every single word he said.
It's sad, isn't it, Doc? Guys like us. Couple of middle-aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives.
She'd seen Debbie. She saw the resemblance. Apparently Catherine did, too. She was shocked Catherine brought it up at all, and tried to brush it off like it didn't matter. But it did. After she saw Debbie, and after she talked to Catherine, everything started making so much sense. The way he was acting, the amount of time he was putting into the case, how he didn't want to have anything to do with her...but that didn't mean she understood.
The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves.
In two years, while they lay in bed after making love and sharing pillow talk, she'd tell him about hearing what he said to Dr. Lurie. He'd tell her that he had at least some reason to believe she'd been there, and was almost hoping she'd hear him say what he said. Because then she'd know that he had feelings, too, he just wasn't like her. He didn't know what to do about "this," and that was the way he got himself out of it. She wanted to punch him. Instead she kissed him. Mostly just because she could.
We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden...we get a second chance.
She hadn't thought of it as giving him a second chance at life. All she knew was her fascination for him, everything about him. She was fascinated by the way his glasses made him look so studious. She loved the way he always knew the answer to every random question he was asked. She was intrigued by how he looked at life--like it was a puzzle meant to be solved. And she never got tired of the way he looked at her. Because he looked at her like she was his second chance, and even though she never thought of herself as being a chance, she wanted to be his chance. She never gave up on wanting to be his chance.
Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her...
In less than 4 years, something would happen that would make them question everything. When she was under the car, when the rain was beating down on her face, when she felt like there may be nothing left to live for, she would think of the day he rejected her with every word he said. She would think of how in less than a year and a half after that, he found it within himself to change. He changed for her, and she would live for him. She'd make it out of this desert whether that bitch Natalie liked it or not.
But we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her.
She didn't want him to risk everything, just...something. She wanted something from this man, and maybe this acknowledgment of his feelings would have to be it. Maybe this is what she'd been waiting for the past 6 years. 2 years of missing him, writing him, calling him. 4 years of missing him, working with him, talking to him, lusting after him, loving him. 6 years of wanting something, anything, and maybe this was it. Maybe it was time to come to terms with that and move on with her life. The problem was she just didn't want to.
I couldn't do it...
She had no way of knowing that in 4 years, she'd be the one who couldn't do. She had no way of knowing that she'd walk away from this man, the only home she's ever known, her one and only, the one she'd miss with every beat of her heart. She had no way of knowing that once he gave her what she'd always wanted, she wouldn't know what to do with it.
But you did. You risked it all, and she showed you a wonderful life, didn't she? But then she took it away and gave it to somebody else...
She wanted to show him a wonderful life. She'd show him what would happen if he let her in. She would make sure he never regretted that decision, not even for a second. For 6 years, she fantasized about showing him a wonderful life. Now all she needed was for him to let her.
...and you were lost. So you took her life. You killed them both, and now you have nothing.
She'd have no way of knowing that in 5 years, she'd come back from seeing her mother and licking her wounds, and she would make sure he knew that he would never have nothing. It would take some time, but she'd show him that she'd never leave him again. They'd come too far and too long for her to allow him to have nothing. He'd never have nothing, as long as she had something to do with it.