A/N: why, I do believe this is the longest chapter I've ever written.
Now a few warnings:
Warning 1) this story is part of a series, so brace yourself. It's all basically the Eds living in an apartment together and having CRAZY adventures cuz that's what they do. This is the first one with them getting the apartment and, heavens knows, they can't even do that like normal people.
Warning 2) I'm a big slash fan with no impulse control, so the whole thing is an ed/edd/eddy love fest. this first story's on the mild setting but I'm planning to kick it up a few notches as the series goes on :)
3 for the money.
Episode 1: It doesn't get any better than this…
Chapter 1: coffee, bondage and sleep disorders.
As soon as Double-d had gotten a part-time job at Wootie's café, Eddy and Ed became regular customers. An experience that led double-d to conclude that, if he ever ran an establishment, Ed and Eddy would be exactly the kind of costumers that would be turned away at the door. they were rude, loud and obnoxious and in Ed's case smelled. Needless to say when Ed and Eddy were customers there weren't many others.
Edd cringed as Eddy called on him, voice loud and grating. "Oh garcon! Yoo-hoo! Over here!!"
Double-d ran to his side, looking bedraggled, and brushed a few stray strands of hair out his face. He forced a smile weakly "yes, Eddy?"
"Eddy?" Eddy raised an eyebrow.
Double-d's smile wavered "yes, …sir?"
Eddy grinned, what could he do? He loved the sound of barely restrained anger on Double-d's voice. "Well, waiter, there's something wrong with my coffee…"
"Of course there's something wrong with your coffee!" Double-d yelled as he picked the cup up "You slipped a large plastic insect into it only minutes earlier!"
"His names Karl, double-d" Ed happily interjected. His enthusiasm was met by glares but he didn't seem to notice and happily returned to his previous task of attempting to play footsie with Eddy, and getting kicked in the shin for his effort.
"Why. Eddy?" Double-d continued "why do you insist on making everything so difficult for me? I've spent hours running errands for that same cup of coffee! If there's nothing wrong with it, you have to add something! It's exactly the way you like it eddy, with three spoons of sugar and a marshmallow in it! For god's sake just drink it!!!" and in his fit of blind rage he actually attempted to make eddy drink it. Eddy tried to push the cup away. Ed, noticing his friends' struggle, jumped up on the table yelling, "ooh! ooh! Let me help!' his weight knocked the table over, which in turn knocked the cup of coffee out of Double-d and Eddy's hands it sailed through the air leaving coffee droplets suspended in the air in a beautiful arc, the effect of gravity on them was stalled because a scene like this just has to happen it slow motion.
Now there was one other costumer, a small meek man, who had been trying to get Double-d's attention for the past hour and was just about to give up and head home when he was promptly put out of his misery by a wayward cup on the head.
****----&&&&
"Oh dear" sighed Double-d, he was pretty sure the dull crack the cup made as it hit the poor man's head was going to be a sound that would haunt his nightmares for eternity
He was sitting on the curb, outside the café, with his friends mulling over his situation.
He had just been dismissed, fired, terminated. It was a horror, a travesty, a blemish on his resume and it was all Eddy's fault.
He looked at Eddy just to see if he could make out one hint or grain of guilt. Nothing. Eddy just looked slightly angry, slightly bored, and maybe a little hungry.
"I hope you're happy with yourself Eddy. This black mark will haunt my career for the rest of my life!"
Well he should be happy, he never liked the thought of double-d working at the café, the guy spent most on his time at peach creek university, working away on a ton of projects. Then, like it wasn't enough, he got a part time job and really it was all Eddy could take of not having him around. He'd never admit it but he missed Double-d and pestering him at work had been a good way of keeping in touch.
"You never liked working there anyway!" he snapped.
"Well, that's true" Edd admitted " but, well, I was saving up, Eddy"
"For what?"
"Well, as you know, I am stone throw away from graduating, and it's high time I left the nest, so to speak, and got my own place. Oh, nothing fancy, an apartment maybe…"
Eddy sighed it was high time he left the nest too. He was in his twenties, and, though his mother was happy enough calling him Eddykins and making breakfast for her 'little man' till he was well into his forties, his dad was getting impatient with him. But he didn't have nearly enough money for.. And that's when it struck him, the best idea he's ever had in his whole entire life!
"Double-d!" he grabbed the slight, yet taller than him, man and shook him "call me genius, Sock head, cuz I've just had a good one!" he dropped double-d and stood up.
"Listen, you want your own place, right?"
"Yes, but.."
"Well I do too. And heavens knows Ed could use some air"
"I wish I lived in a nest!" Ed added to the conversation with his usual flair.
"So why don't we pool our money together and buy an apartment!"
"And live together?" asked Double-d from the floor"
"Like newly weds!!" laughed Ed, and didn't stop laughing. The rest of the conversation was carried out to the background noise of Ed's constant hawhawhaws
"You know you want to, Double-d," said Eddy while pulling double-d to his feet roughly.
Well he did want to, he really didn't want to live in his own house anymore especially when it occurred to him that it wasn't so much his home as the place he kept clean for his parents. It was a sad niggling thought that struck him one day while cleaning out the drain. He tried to push it down and deny it but couldn't prove it to himself till he actually left the house and found it collecting dust. It was a stupid reason to move out but…he quickly changed the subject, living with his friends actually sounded..Nice.
It's not like it'll be a big adjustment they already spent most of their time together and had had sleepovers back in the days.
"Ok, yes, I do!" he grinned at eddy.
"Okay we'll meet up at my place, don't forget to bring your cash!"
"I'll go get the rings!" said Ed cutting short his own laughter and in the midst of a dream come true.
***-----&&&&
We open up the next scene in Eddy's room, Ed was sitting in a corner flipping through a wedding catalogue and sighing despondently. he had already been told off for taking things too far.
Double-d was counting the money and Eddy was watching Double-d count the money. All their money together actually managed to make a pile. It was beautiful Eddy sighed the sight of it all made him drool and gave him trouble breathing.
He was having trouble holding himself back from kissing Double-d as his lips formed triple digits. Oh baby!
Double-d's "eddy, I'm not sure this is enough for an apartment," snapped Eddy out of it, he got up "what!?"
Double-d stopped. He had known Eddy most of his life and he knew how much Eddy hated to fail and how mad he'd get "um.. Well maybe a cheap one…?"
Eddy stopped mid-fury he mulled this over for a second granted when he saw the pile of cash he was imagining a condo how cheap was cheap any way.
"Let's just look around okay?" he said, softly, accepting some measure of defeat.
Double-d smiled at him, that 'oh Harold, I'm pregnant smile' that Double-d got when he was proud of Eddy "let's"
He got up picking up the money and turned to Ed "Ed, coming?"
Ed gave him a glum frown. Where was the dream of honeymooning on the planet of the one-legged chicken people? …Just dandruff flakes in the wind…
"Ed, get over here!" snapped Eddy not giving the lump any choice.
Ed snapped out of his melancholy, a smile instantly on his lips " coming, dear!"
Eddy growled and slammed the door shut behind them.
***___--&&&
"GAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY WE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH FOR AN APARTMENT!!!?"
Double-d had to hold on to Ed not to be blown back by the force of Eddy's scream.
"The truth pickles you so, Eddy!" Ed said jovially while helping Double-d up.
"Stop sticking up for him!" said Eddy.
They had been looking for hours, flipping through newspapers and asking around, and now they were back in peach creek heading home. And Eddy was furious.
Why? Why was it so hard to just want something and just have it happen for once? He WANTED to live in an apartment with his pals, he wanted to at least have Double-d for the night if couldn't have him for the day. He wanted not to be laughed at by Kevin just 'cause he lived with his mother.
"Ugh, and I worked so hard for that money too, I scammed like every day!"
"And lets not forget those of us who actually worked honestly for the money" interjected Double-d.
"Who said you could talk?" growled Eddy.
Double-d rolled his eyes.
There was a noise. "Pussssst!"
Eddy and Double-d turned around.
"Wasn't me, Eddy!" said Ed.
"Puuuussstt" there it was again. It seemed to be coming from an alley. "Hey over here!"
Curious as cats, and with the same knack for self-destructive choices, the Eds walked into the alley.
"Hello?" said Double-d peering into the alley cautiously.
"I hear your looking for a cheap apartment"
Eddy started to look worried he knew that voice; he knew it far too well.
Double-d, ever ready to accept help from shady people in alleyways, smiled "yes, we are. Do you happen to know of one, sir?"
"That's ma'am to you, sweet cheeks," said Lee Kanker, stepping out of the shadows like a barge emerging from a fog. Looming over two thirds of the Eds. She wasn't fat, but she was large, buxom in a way. She glared at Double-d then grinned. "Yea, I know of one"
"She's lying!" screeched Eddy from behind Double-d
"I happen to own a building" she said smugly.
The Eds looked shocked, here they are barely able to afford a small part of a building, and there was Lee, basically trailer trash, owning a whole one.
"And I got a good room with view of the candy store" she continued "thought you'd be interested"
The Eds quickly formed a huddle
"We don't have many other choices, Eddy" this was Double-d input.
"And they lived happily ever after" this was Ed's
"No way!" Eddy bit his lip "that's lee Kanker were talking about! She's got to be up to something. did you see the way she looked at me?"
Well, no they didn't. Lee Kanker's hair always firmly covered her eyes. It was impossible to tell what, exactly, she was looking at. A thought which frightened eddy to no end.
"Lee scares me." He admitted after a quiet moment.
"We could go home, Eddy" Double-d suggested "I could try getting another job and in a month or two who knows?"
A month or two, that was far too long, and they all knew that in reality it would probably be much longer. Double-d didn't know if he could bear the silence that permeated his house for that long. "Maybe Ed could try getting a job too"
"NO!" eddy snapped suddenly. His friends looked at him shocked. Ed could feel Eddy's grip tighten around him and it weirded him out, and Eddy could tell. he calmed down, the sad image of him sitting alone in his room all day had scared the shit out of him. "Heh, I mean, Ed can't keep a job. Look at him!"
"Should we, at least, ask what she's offering?" suggested Double-d hard pressed to find a course of action Eddy would be happy with.
"You do it."
Double-d turned to Lee "cheap you say?"
"…Dirt cheap"
Eddy yanked at the back of Edd's shirt "ask her what the catch is?"
Double-d did his best to fake a cool dubious look "what's the catch?"
Lee grinned, "Well, what I don't ask for in money…" she leaned down toward Eddy face inches from his "…I ask for in services."
Sweat poured down Eddy's face. He had a horrible suspicion what, exactly, those services were. And the thought of it turned his stomach. Now Eddy wasn't picky about who he slept with, yes, Eddy was no virgin. We could even go so far as to say he was a bit of a whore, but he drew the line at playing gigolo for Lee Kanker. She was a frightening overbearing woman you didn't want in bed with you because you just KNEW you'd be leaving with scars that won't heal.
At least Marie had been hot.
"No way, back of!" he backed away, grabbing his friends by the wrists and turning around. "Lets go, guys"
Ed more than happily obliged, double-d was still mulling over what these services might be "if she wants chores done around the house I could always lend a hand, Eddy"
"Whuh!" Eddy made a noise like someone had dropped an ice cube into his pants and pulled Double-d out of the alley.
&&&****___--
Back in his room that night Eddy couldn't sleep, partially because he was preoccupied with where exactly Double-d will 'lend a hand' during his services for Lee, and partially because he had failed.
He knew he wouldn't see Double-d tomorrow till after his classes. And what if Ed did get a job then what? He had, practically, been born with Ed by his side; he couldn't imagine him not being there. Maybe they could both get a job in the same place, not likely; Eddy had already been fired from every job he'd attempted in Peach Creek.
Urk, he was starting to feel sick. He hated himself for being so dependant. He hated that ugly moment in his life where he just realized he was nothing without the other Eds. he hated the fact that he needed them so bad and that it hurt him when they weren't there.
He buried his face into his pillow.
Urk, there it was again a stabbing pain in him stomach, he couldn't stand months of this…
He got up and got dressed, it wasn't that late, and he was going to pay Lee a visit.
&&&****__---
"h-hello?" he knocked on the door of Lee's apartment building. It was small and run down and there was a strange bleating noise echoing inside. "Um, it's me."
He shuffled from one foot to the other, hands stuffed into his pockets. He was starting to feel pretty vulnerable. It was a small quiet suburb but there was still a chance he could get mugged out here. Alone, no Ed to use as human shield, no Double-d to distract would-be rapists.
The door opened with a menacing creak "I've been waiting for you…" Lee grinned as Eddy shuddered.
She stood aside to let him enter and despite his better judgment he did.
"Listen Lee, I'm just here to talk-" he started but he drifted of to a strangled 'urk' as he found himself face to face with the Kanker. Of course, she had to get down on her knees to be face to face with a short guy like him. She was leaning forward, her arms resting on the wall behind him, trapping him.
"You and me can talk all night, baby"
He gulped. He had been in this situation before, but never alone like this, never this late. Usually she never got very far, the farthest she had gotten was the part were she sticks her hands down his pants. And he had sworn he'd never let that happen again.
…And here he was. It was all Double-d and Ed's faults
&&&***__---
Double-d awoke with a start. He blinked a few times, still stuck in that ethereal world between dreams and reality. a few blinks in and the corners of his world stopped distorting nightmarishly.
He tried to figure out what exactly woke him up. There hadn't been any noise, there never was. Always the hypochondriac, he wondered a bit if he was developing some sort of sleeping disorder.
He got up. Tottered blearily to the window, it was almost instinct to check on Ed and Eddy's houses from outside his window as soon as he got up.
It was dark outside and yet Eddy's light was on. It was hard to miss, as it was the only light on in the whole cul-de-sac.
He turned to check his clock. Three AM, strange Eddy was never up this late…
He quickly got dressed and ran over to Eddy's house. He knocked at the door, no answer. He peered in through the window, there didn't appear to be anyone inside.
Panic started to swell up in his chest. It was unfounded, of course, Eddy could very well have gone to the bathroom, or for a drink of water, and Double-d knew this. He told himself it was irrational.
It would be irrational, not to mention downright crazy, to believe that the reason he had woken up this early was because he had sensed that Eddy was in some immediate danger yet some part of him did, he pressed his nose against the glass and waited.
It wasn't like eddy to leave his curtains open at night…
That was it! A break in routine! A valid reason to worry. He scrabbled toward the door clutching at it clumsily and wrenching it open. Then he stood there, eyes wide, his body twisted with the imagined effort of opening a locked door. Except it wasn't locked.
Eddy always locked his door at night…
His heartbeat throbbed in his ears as his mind expected the worst.
It was Eddy's brother he came in the night and absconded the little man! No. That was ridiculous. Double-d told himself to calm down, think, if Eddy was gone today surely the reason he was gone had to do with something that happened yesterday.
Yesterday, he had definitely been upset by their failure to acquire an apartment. A little too upset…
He couldn't have gone to lee's to negotiate the apartment had he? It was to late at night for Kankers to be rational!
He had to save Eddy. Of course, he didn't have the muscle to do much he'd need Ed.
Thankfully, Ed's house was only a stone throw away.
Once at Ed's house. Double-d thought it would be rude to awaken the other occupants, considering the time. And used their old entrance Ed's basement window. Of course, he had gotten a bit big for it. squeezing in was painful and uncomfortable. He reached down his leg for the table he knew was there, miscalculated its position, and slipped
His back hit the table with a loud bang. He bounced off, flipping through the air like a pancake, and landed on his face on the floor with another bang.
The noise did nothing to wake Ed up, whose own snoring overpowered most noises.
Double-d moaned. A bit loudly, granted, but it wasn't too much to hope that your dear friend will awaken and come to your aid, was it?
He got up painfully and tottered to Ed's side. Ed slept on his back, arms outstretched mouth wide open. Double-d shook him.
"Ed, oh Ed, please wake up, Eddy's gone and I fear the worst"
What else is new? Thought Ed as the fog of slumber slowly released him from its clutches. Double-d always feared the worst. It was a nice way to wake up though, gently shaken instead of starting the day with a scream. Whether from his own nightmares or from Sarah, bless her soul, yelling at him.
He yawned stretching his arms above his head, while double-d twittered nervously. He smiled at Double-d, not really knowing what to say to calm the little fellow down.
"Ed, no time to get dressed, I need you to track Eddy" Double-d dragged Ed out of bed. "Quickly"
He ran ahead starting to crawl through the window grunting and gasping with the effort.
Figuring that the last thing he needed to hear this early in the morning was a guy, who looked as pretty as Double-d did, grunting and gasping in his room, Ed helped Double-d out, putting a hand on Double-d's behind and pushing him through the window, as gently as he could, but there was still a yelp of protest from the slight and delicate featured man.
Double-d lay on the grass a few inches from the widow spitting out grass. Ed came out after him not seeming to have nearly as much trouble crawling through the window despite being bigger..
"Come on, Double-d" said Ed picking him up and carrying him under one arm "we need to find Eddy"
He ran to Eddy's house, he could tell Eddy wasn't there as soon he stepped on the lawn, the house lacked Eddy's overpowering weasely presence. Double-d gibbered at him, it was hard most of the time just understanding Double-d, but with it being early morning with the sun not out yet and double-d speaking super fast because he was panicking, it was impossible. So Ed didn't try. He got on the task at hand, sniffing out Eddy.
Now it wasn't that Ed had an abnormally developed sense of smell. Ed's body was as normal as the next guy's; it was that Ed convinced himself that he could do this. And reality had long ago learned its lesson and stayed clear of Ed.
He took a deep whiff, and there was Eddy, the smell of him anyway. The smell of aftershave, cheap cologne and sugar, because Eddy had sweet tooth.
There was also the smell of omelets and baking…
All in all, Ed liked the way Eddy smelled, it was a good smell to start one's day with.
"Did you find his scent yet, Ed?" asked Double-d, who always smelled of soap, and grapefruit because he still hadn't found an unmessy way to eat the stuff yet.
"Arf!" Ed pointed, and then happily galloped off on the trail.
Double-d sighed; there goes a grown man pretending to be a dog, and his only hope of finding Eddy.
&&&-----___****
His arms hurt, the knots around his wrist were too tight, cutting off the circulation, Eddy shuddered. He was in Lee's room a surprisingly well-furnished room; in fact, it went so far as to be called a boudoir.
His wrists were tied to the headboard of the bed, and what was worse he was in his underwear. Actually, the worst thing was that Lee actually thought she looked sexy in that nighty. She was sitting across the room from him looking smug, happy with her work as Eddy made quite a pretty picture tied to her bed. It had taken quite a lot of effort to get him there.
She leaned down and produced a bottle of champagne from who knows where " a bottle o' cham-pain-ee really sets the mood don't it, muffin cakes?"
Oh please, let her get me drunk, thought eddy, so drunk I don't remember a thing, oh god, please.
But she looked like she was gonna guzzle the whole bottle down herself.
He pulled at his restraints, "heh bondage" he chuckled dryly somehow finding the strength to speak "you Kankers are all alike"
She stopped, she was the smartest Kanker, and it didn't take her long to digest the implications of that sentence.
"And what would you know about us Kankers?"
A slow grin spread on Eddy's face, bingo.
"Oh? Didncha hear? Marie tried this on me in high school, I'm surprised you didn't know"
Marie had been the bad seed, so to speak, and was never really faithful to the whole which Kanker got which Ed thing. Never really been faithful to anything really. He'd been looking for something to prove to himself that he wasn't gay, and high school was just about the worst time to have homosexual urges, and to her he was just another notch in her bedpost. He had gone home limping after that, but at least Marie was pretty, Lee looked like a man and not a good lookin' man.
Right now she looked even uglier, face scrunched up with rage.
"That skank! I told her to keep her claws of my man!!"
Oh yea, the claws, he had forgotten about the claws…
Lee rushed to the phone and instantly started dialing, smashing her fingers down hard on the buttons.
If Eddy wasn't tied up he would've patted himself on the back. It was a good plan, one of the greatest, in fact.
And, as Lee started screaming into the phone, Eddy got to work trying to escape. Lee didn't have any rope so she had used his belt. He tugged, nearly bending over backwards with the effort. The buckle broke with a snap. Goddamnit! he liked that buckle! But on the up side he was free. Woohoo!
He ran towards the door not bothering to find his clothes.
And as he rushed towards the door, the door rushed toward him and caught him in the face.
"This room smells of death!" Ed announced loudly as he slammed open the door.
"Oh, excuse me, Lee" Double-d apologized peering into the room from behind Ed "oh dear, I don't see Eddy!"
There was a moan and Eddy slid out from behind the door.
The two Eds became aware of Eddy, whose head was spinning from the concussion. He smiled wearily back at them. You could almost hear a click as all was right with the world again.
"Hey! What are you boys doing to ma man?!" Lee growled slamming the phone down.
Eddy quickly ran and hid behind his friends. "Oh god, help!" he was too scared to be embarrassed.
Double-d, realizing that Eddy was looking to him to protect him and feeling a wave of manliness, stuck out his meager chest. "I'll have you know, Lee, this level of sexual assault is grounds for arrest"
"And your gonna call the cops, little man? Ha! I'd like to see you try." She laughed.
"Do not tempt me," warned Double-d pulling out a mobile phone and waving it menacingly.
Suddenly his legs were pulled out from under him and he landed on his face.
"Geez Double-d whatcha tryin' to do? Embarrass me to death?"
Lee smirked, "see? We're consensual we are"
Eddy gagged "ugh! In your dreams! Like I'd ever sleep with you"
"Why not" she growled.
Before he could tell her exactly why not, Eddy remembered why he was here. he needed that apartment. He couldn't anger her.
Unfortunately the best excuse was the truth, half the truth anyways… "I'm …um… gaaaayyyy" the word seemed to stretch out like it would never end. it was the first time in his life he had admitted it out loud and it killed him.
There was a stunned silence. Lee looked shocked, Ed was smiling, eyes bright, as if a whole new world had opened up to him. Double-d looked shocked at first then a small smirk crawled up the sides of his lips. He turned to Ed. "Eddy's taken a big step on the path to self-realization, Ed, take note as…" at this point, Double-d words turned to a gurgle as Eddy elbowed him in the stomach.
"So …um…" Eddy threw himself on the ground in begging position "there's gotta be something else we can do for you, c'mon Lee, I need that apartment!"
Though disappointed, Lee loved a begging man. "If you're gay, how come you slept with my sister?"
"You kidding? that's what made me gay!"
Lee threw back her head and laughed, long and hard. Eddy grinned nervously. sometimes the best way to get through life was to know what people wanted to hear.
"Alright" she said chuckling. "I'll give you chance."
"Alright!" the Eds laughed shaking each other excitedly.
"I got this nasty customer up in room 212, keeps pets so I charge him extra, 'cept this time around he's refusing to pay up. If you can get him to pay I'll let ya stay here, you don't even have to pay up front."
Whether he was gay, or lying about it Lee had picked Eddy as her man all those years ago for a reason. He was a commodity and she knew it was best to keep him around. Of course he'd have to prove himself first…
"Are you up for it?"
"Sure!" he said before Double-d could ask just how nasty this 'nasty customer' was. "No problem!"
Eddy smiled, arms around his friends, things were finally looking up.