If You Win
I lie there, all day and everyday thinking of you two. When I have to leave, I think of you all the same. My grades are dropping, and you are concerned. I am glad of that. She is also concerned with my 'unusual' new behavior. The two of you want me to be as happy as you both are. I fake a smile and feign it is all right. Everyone goes along with it and leaves me be. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
I feel like my heart was torn in half. When I saw the two of us fall in love with her, I knew something would go terribly wrong with one of us. I knew then that it definitely would never be you. I gave her up to give you the better chance. We split ourselves from each other and became independent. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
Then it went horrifyingly right. You became a gentleman in her view, and she stopped fancying her first love. All of her love began to focus on you, and all of your love began to focus on her. I was then left behind. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
Everyone accepts your relationship within the club, and no one outside of it knows about it yet. You don't ever hold me anymore; you don't hold me like you used to. The only one you hold is her, and every time my heart burns for both of you. The exception is that my feelings of love and infatuation are dulling for her, and all of them are transferring back to you and hurting me terribly. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
Our brotherly love act has dissolved and we are now 'separate entities'. You are fairing well with your crowd which is by far larger than mine. My crowd is small, but I don't mind that. What I mind is that I have trouble entertaining them now. You were always the lead; you were always dominant between us. You were the one who went on the first date with her. You were the first one to ever get so very jealous that you lost all sense. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
You used to never do that with me. You used to cherish me like you cherish her now. You don't do that anymore. I barely even talk to you anymore, and I feel as if I'm slowly crawling inside of myself and hiding in my heart. It's a numbing feeling in there, but it isn't a painless numb. I know there is pain, and I can tell there always will be as this continues. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
I feel the numbing in my eyes too. I don't open them as much anymore. Whenever I blink I keep them closed and imagine you and her together. I go over all of the images, torturing myself slowly over your love for each other. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
I love you more than you could ever love her, but you don't see it. It's either you don't see it, or you refuse to see it. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
We don't think and speak in unison anymore, and I don't feel welcome in the teasing of her. I don't wait for your lead simply because I don't expect it to come. I'm independent now, and you cannot be expected to guide me. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
I tell myself these things now. It's a chant in my head that I repeat whenever I want to see you like we used to. I'm independent now; you cannot be expected to guide me. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
I don't think you trust me anymore either. We don't do the same things we used to obviously, and I know it's only to be expected now that our world has spread farther than us now. I feel like she's slowly taking my place. I'm developing a numb apathy to her. It's the only way I can go on treating the two of you according to social morals. You don't notice my feelings anymore.
"Kaoru," a voice called. I instantly was able to recall whose it was: Fujioka, Haruhi.
"Hello in there," Hikaru said, jokingly knocking his closed fist against my head. I looked up from my desk and gave the two a convincing smile.
"Hello, guys," I said. "What can I do today for our happy couple?"
"Well," Hikaru laughed, "you know that plan we had for this Sunday?" I nodded, my smile skillfully still in place. "Would you mind if we rescheduled that? Haruhi and I want to do something this Sunday. We can always make it up some other day."
My smile didn't falter once. I was already very good about that before this started happening. Hikaru and I always used that technique for our schemes a while back.
"You two have fun," I said. "Kyoya had something for me to do that day anyway." I lied, which was another talent Hikaru and I developed. We both were so synchronized that we could tell when the other was lying also. I could see it in his eyes that the lie registered with him, but he ignored it. He didn't want to see my pain.
I woke up gasping. "Kaoru!" Hikaru called worriedly, hovering over me with a glass of water in his arm. "What's wrong?"
"It's nothing," I lied. He set down the glass and wrapped his arms around me.
"You can't lie to me."
"It was a bad dream again." ~A dream of my future.