Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the script.
A/N: This is a modernized parody of a famous, Shakespearean play using X-Men characters. Don't be fooled. This is a Ryro. A big shout out thank you to my co-writer, PsYcHoThErApY17, who is working on Act I: Scene II as we speak. So, let the show begin!
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Narrator:
Two sides, both the same in their dignity
In the city of Manchester in upstate New York
From a timeless rivalry a new war breaks
Where mutant blood dirties mutant hands.
From out of these two sides, a pair of star crossed lovers die
And when they are dead, the two sides cease their fight.
Act 1: Xavier's
enter
Berserker:
Cannonball, I'm telling you. We can't take these insults; it'd be like lugging coal.
Cannonball:
Yeah. An' then we'd be coal miners.
Berserker:
(annoyed sigh) I mean, if we're angry, we should fight.
Cannonball:
Yeah, and afterward you can limp to medical to have the wounds from the FoH tended.
Berserker:
I'll be quick, since I'm angry.
Cannonball:
But you can't move that quick.
Berserker:
A jerk on Magneto's side ticked me off.
Cannonball:
Move: to stir. Therefore, if you move, you'd be running, not fighting.
Berserker:
A dog of that side will move me to fight. I'll kill anyone sided with Magneto. Male or female.
Cannonball:
That just proves you're weak. Only weaklings push their opponents to the wall. Why kill the women anyway?
Berserker:
Yeah, I know. And women, being the generally weaker sex, always get killed. Or at least injured. Therefore, I will kill Magneto's men and injure the women.
Cannonball:
The war is between Xavier and Magneto, and therefore us, too.
Berserker:
Eh…It's all the same. I'll prove I'm stronger. When I have killed the men, I'll be humane to the women and take their heads.
Cannonball:
Decapitate the women?
Berserker:
Yeah. Or screw them. Believe what you want.
Cannonball:
They'll feel dirty when I'm through with them.
Berserker:
They'll know me while I'm standing, since I'm so handsome.
Cannonball:
Good thing they ain't fish; if they were, they'd be a poor catch.
(Multiple Man enters with a clone)
Get ready. Here they come.
Berserker:
I'm ready. I got your back.
Cannonball: (skeptical eyebrow raised)
How? Turning and running the other way?
Berserker:
Trust me.
Cannonball:
Sure. I'll trust you to turn and run.
Berserker:
Let them start it. That way, they'll go to jail, not us.
Cannonball:
Fine. I'll walk by and frown, and they can take it however they want.
Berserker:
Nah. I'm going to flick them off. That'll definitely provoke them. (flicks off Multiple Man)
Multiple Man (M.M.):
Did you just flick me off?
Berserker:
Yes I did.
M.M.:
Did you just flick me off?
Berserker: (aside to Cannonball)
Will we go to jail if we say yes?
Cannonball: (aside to Berserker)
Yes!
Berserker:
No, I didn't flick you off. I flicked them off. (points to civilians)
Cannonball:
Why? You want to challenge us?
M.M.:
Challenge you? No.
Berserker:
Because if you did, I'd take you on myself. Xavier's just as good as Magneto.
M.M.:
Not better?
Berserker:
Well—
Cannonball: (sees Iceman coming; to Berserker)
Say 'better'! Here comes one of the X-Men.
Berserker:
Yes. Better.
M.M.:
Liar.
Berserker:
Bring it on, then, if you're not chicken. Cannonball, watch my back.
They fight
Toad: (tongue slaps both parties)
Knock it off, guys. You guys are gonna get us all thrown in the slammer, yo.
Iceman:
What's the matter, Toad? You as pusillanimous as Maddrox? Bring it on, Froggy!
Toad:
I'm just trying to keep us outta the slammer, so stop trying to freeze me and help me break these guys up, yo.
Iceman:
You're talking peace while on the offensive? Yeah, right. Bring it, Frog Breath.
They fight
Friends of Humanity (FoH): (enter, armed and begin firing into the fray)
Shoot 'em! Kill the muties! Kill 'em all!
Xavier & Storm and Magneto & Mystique enter
Xavier:
What is this? Erik is trying my patience. Storm, I'm going after him.
Storm:
Charles, don't. You're too old.
Xavier:
Nonsense, Storm. I'm perfectly capable of taking on Erik.
Magneto:
Come, then, Charles. held back by Mystique Release me, Mystique.
Mystique:
I won't let you make a fool of yourself, Erik.
President enters
President:
What is going on here? Friends, Professor, Magneto, control your men or I will have all of you arrested for disturbing the peace!
Respective leaders call to their men to a halt
Thank you. Now, Professor, Magneto, that's three public battles between your sides that started from a couple of ridiculous insults. Now, Professor, come with me to my office so we may discuss this. Magneto, you come this afternoon. We will settle this or I will have you all arrested.
All exit except Magneto, Mystique, and Toad
Magneto: (to Toad)
Who started it this time, Toad?
Toad:
Xavier's boys and Multiple were at it when I got there. I tried separating them, but that icicle got in my way. He tried freezing me, and all I did was dodge. Then the President showed up.
Mystique:
Where was Pyro? Have you seen him today?
Toad:
I saw him underneath the sycamore grove before sunrise this morning. He knew I was watching him, though, and he went deeper into the woods. I wasn't really in the mood to follow him.
Magneto:
He's been there a lot in the mornings, moping and sighing.
Toad:
Do you know why?
Magneto:
No, and he won't tell me, either.
Toad:
Did you ask him?
Magneto:
Yes, many times. I even had Avalanche ask him, but he won't tell anyone. (sigh) I don't know what to do.
Pyro comes from a distance
Toad:
Hey, look. Here he comes.
Magneto:
Good. You talk to him and see if you can find out what's wrong. Come, Mystique.
They exit
Toad:
Mornin', coz!
Pyro:
Is it really that early?
Toad:
Nine o'clock, bro.
Pyro:
I guess so. Eh, I suppose time drags by when you're miserable. Was that Mags that just left?
Toad:
Yeah. Why is time draggin' by so slow for ya?
Pyro:
Because I don't have anything to make it go faster.
Toad:
You in love, bro?
Pyro:
Out—
Toad:
Of love?
Pyro:
She doesn't love me.
Toad: (sighs, empathizing)
Yeah. That Cupid looks like a cuddly kid, but he ain't. Nothin' but a mean prankster.
Pyro:
Heh. Cupid is blind, and since he is blind, he thinks he is a god. Where should we eat? Sees the fight remnants What the fuck happened here? Wait, don't tell me. I've heard it. You and Xavier's men got in a fight, right? Toad nods Thought so. Fuck I hate the way I love fighting. It's ridiculous. Sidelong look at Toad Well, aren't you going to laugh?
Toad:
Nah. I'd rather cry with ya, bro.
Pyro:
Why's that?
Toad:
Because you're a good guy, and if you can't find love, there's no hope for someone like me.
Pyro:
Hey, no big deal; that's love, right? Don't pity me. Love was given, love was taken away. End of story. See ya later, coz.
Toad:
Wait. I'll come with ya, yo. Seems like you can use the company, ya know?
Pyro:
Heh. Not really. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Toad:
Who shot ya down, anyway?
Pyro:
What? You want me to break down and cry and tell you?
Toad:
No. But seriously, who?
Pyro:
I'm lovesick, coz. I can't eat, can barely sleep. I hate it.
Toad:
I hit that right on the mark.
Pyro:
Yeah, you did. And she's beautiful. God is she beautiful. She ought to have a bull's-eye painted on her chest.
Toad:
If she's that easy, you'll get her back.
Pyro:
Unfortunately, I don't think so. She's immune to Cupid's arrows. It's like she has a solid block of ice encasing her heart.
Toad shudders at the memory of Iceman
I swear, I've tried everything; flattery, gifts, endless advancements, both stealthy and blatant. I don't know what else to do.
Toad:
She take a vow of chastity or somethin'?
Pyro:
Probably. If so, it's a waste. I mean, she's gorgeous; she could get any guy she wanted, and yet she refuses. Apparently she's sworn not to love. (sigh) I don't think I can live without her.
Toad:
Dude, listen. Just forget about her.
Pyro:
I wish I could. I don't know how.
Toad:
Just check out some other ladies, bro. There's always more fish in the sea.
Pyro:
How can I forget her? She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. There will never be one like her. You can't make me forget her.
Toad:
Oh, I'll get you to forget about her, or so help me, I'll die trying.
They exit
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A/N: So there's the first scene. Anybody want to take a gander at which play this is? I'll give ya a cookie if you guess correctly.