I sigh and sit up, giving up completely on the idea of getting to sleep any time soon. I hear Phil's soft snores and watch the slight movement of his breaths as he sleeps. I smile slightly, before swinging my legs over to the side of the bed and stand, trying not to wake him, before dragging my feet to my door and walking down the hallway towards the bathroom. I flick on the light and stare at my reflection in the mirror, and once again get the sensation that something is slightly (read: more than slightly) off, though I can't quite put my finger on it. I rest my elbows on the counter, putting my head in my hands. I hear footsteps behind me, and look up into the mirror to see Phil come up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist, standing slightly on his tiptoes to rest his chin on my shoulder. I instinctively wrap my arms around myself, resting them over his.
"Hey kitten, you okay?" I sigh and release my arms, turning in his grasp and leaning into his chest.
"I don't know, honestly," I mumble in response. I focus on my breaths, inhaling his scent.
"Okay then, whatever you say. But remember, I'm your boyfriend, you can tell me anything, you know?" I nod in acknowledgement and sink deeper into Phil's hold. He leans back and runs a hand through my fringe.
"C'mon, let's go have a midnight snack of some sort."
"3am snack," I correct. Phil quietly laughs and takes my hand, leading me through the apartment to the kitchen.
"Pedantic much," he jokes. He flicks on the light, and I slowly unpeel myself from his side. I dig through the pantry and uncover a few packets of salt and vinegar potato chips, and take them back to the other side of the kitchen, where I (rather clumsily) pull myself up to sit on the counter. I pop the chip packet open and take one out, letting it sit on my tongue, enjoying the slight burning sensation it provides. Phil sits next to me and puts an arm over my shoulder. I lean into him and close my eyes, enjoying the calmness of just sitting and doing nothing.
I blink my eyes open slowly, adjusting to the light filtering slightly in through the closed blinds. I take note of the uncomfortable position I'm lying in; my head is resting on Phil's stomach while both of us are lying across the kitchen counter. Crap, we must have fallen asleep. I look up at Phil's face, and watch him as he slowly blinks open his eyes.
"Good morning sunshine," I laugh softly at him. He half closes one eye again and groans.
"Morning kitten. What time is it anyway?" I sit up and slide off the counter, walking back to my bedroom and picking up my phone. I head back to the kitchen to where Phil has finally gotten up and is standing in front of the fridge, digging through the shelves looking for god knows what. I walk up beside him and wrap an arm around his hip.
"It's 10:30 by the way Philly," I mumble, leaning down slightly so I'm next to his ear.
"Okay then Danny." He looks up at me and I press a kiss to his nose, smiling.
I separate myself from him and sit on the couch, grabbing my laptop, assuming browsing position, and opening tumblr. For some reason I can't explain, I felt an urge to go through the 'mtf' tag, and look through the photos of people who have come to terms with their gender identity. I open photobooth and look at my face on the camera, imagining what my life would have been like if I was female rather than male. I study the face staring back at me and sigh. I close the window and resume scrolling through my dash, smiling a little on the occasions when a trans or non-binary person's photo or selfie appears, occasionally reblogging them to my side blog with a somewhat motivational message in the tags. Though, unknown to myself, I pick up bits and pieces of information that just start to… well, click. As I come to this awareness, my heart picks up pace slightly. Looking around to assure myself of the lack of Phil's presence, I open google and click on the searchbar, hesitating and taking a deep breath, before somewhat shakily typing the only thing that is going through my head at the current moment.
'I think I may be transgender'