Naruto© is all Kishimito Masashi-sensei's copyright property.
(But Me.4.U has a right to dream like everybody else. Right?)
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Summary: Pain is hard to forget. Happiness is hard to keep. But love comes so easily. They learned it the hard way—in a story of life's bitter fate and sweet memories.
…she believes her heart is void of joy.
…he knows his mind is full of himself.
…she knows her mind is broken.
…he believes his heart is incomplete.
…she is shattered.
…he is nothing but stone.
…they prove each other wrong otherwise.
…when it is the wrong time, wrong place, but for all the right reasons.
Character Pairing: Neji x Tenten. (And of course pinched bits of: Sai x Sakura x Sasuke (kind of / sort of), Naruto x Hinata x Kiba (why not?), and Ino x Shikamaru x Temari (lucky blondes))
Set: Alternate Universe AU.
Warning: Depression, drugs, slice of life, breakdown, dark graphics.
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It hurts.
It fuckin' hurts.
It hurts like heck.
I want to…
I want…
She wants something.
Gosh, I don't know what I want.
You want me!
No. NO! It hurts…!
Tenten never knew it would be this painful.
Death. Death. Death. The only thing running in her mind.
She's losing it all over again.
No. No, not now! NO!!
YES! Now.
She wants to escape. I will escape.
You cannot. Not from me.
It will come.
Keep lying!
It will be there.
I am here! HERE!
Just a little longer. Please!
It won't come. Not to you.
…wait for it! I will…
Lies! Liar!
"P-Pa…Ma…" she croaked out. Hands clawed at her head as she desperately tried to keep straight. Sweat poured down her face onto the solid ground. "Don't…leave me…! Pro…mise. Don't…"
A harsh cough broke out from her mouth, blood dripping off her lips, staining her teeth. Eyes swollen, eyeballs bloodshot and wanting to pop out of their sockets, tears threatening to fall, Tenten clutched her head. It hurts.
You like it. It's pain.
I don't…! Stop. STOP!
You chose me over. It's too late.
NO. I have time. I do!
"It's…never too late," her voice unrecognizable even to her own ears, she coughed and coughed and coughed—and did not stop until a whole chunk of blood fell from her throat.
Blood. She hates it. You like it!
Gosh, how she hated that voice. It haunted her over and over again. STOP IT.
She hated the taste of blood. Rusty, so rusty, stained, and everything she hated. Sweet. It is, cry, NOW.
She will not cry. She won't. She refused to because every time she does so, it left her in pieces that could never be mended. Not too soon. Not now. She won't give up. NEVER.
LIES.
Shut up! SHUT UP!
CRY.
NO. I will not cry…!
Curling up into a ball, Tenten faced towards the toilet seat and retched. She vomited blood, blood, and blood—everything, anything just to make the pain go away. It won't go away.
"Never. I won't…give up," she voiced out in raspy and breathless pants. How long has she been retching? How long has she been seeing anything but blood? Her blood. It disgusts her. She felt disgusted of herself.
Her throat hurt like it was being burned with such strong passion of flames. Her stomach churned and she tried desperately, so hard to bite back another gag. The toilet room stunk of her blood and it was all over the place. She hated it. But she couldn't stop.
I want to STOP.
She let out another ear-piercing scream, blood splitting out of her mouth, spraying them all over. Gosh, her throat…! Her voice…! She was breaking again. Again. And again.
Pain. The pain was too much. Her fingernails scratched herself, trying to shield them away from anything—from herself. Nails clawed forcefully and her shirt was torn into pieces.
She kept going. She couldn't stop.
I need…to stop. Please stop!!
You cannot stop.
I want to…
Tears were welling up into her eyes but they did not fall. She won't let them. She won't cry. I won't give up…!
"…help…" she gasped out, barely a whisper. "I need…help…"
MAKE IT STOP!
"…make it stop," a blood-spraying cough. "Please." Another nasty cough. "Make it stop…!" She retched, the sound making herself so disgusted and ashamed. "STOP!!"
You cry. You cry!!
Tears fell. So fast, dripping and impossible to stop. She screamed. Loud, so loud. She gave up. Again. She broke her promise—a promise to herself. She cried, she bawled, and let out another chunk of blood from her mouth. She wants to stop, but she couldn't. No one.
"…no one knows." Tenten tried to stand up, but her legs couldn't support her. She tried to sit up on her hands, but her bloody wrists would not help. Clenching her fists as tightly as she could, she punched the floor with them, aware of the bone-crushing pain. She refused to help herself. She wasn't going to rescue herself.
I CAN'T!
She was killing herself. She was trying to. She was tired of everything—no, not everything. Only tired of herself—because she's a fool, she reminds bitterly. But she won't die. She just won't.
But why?
I want to…disappear. I want no pain. No more!
It won't stop!
She cried and cried like every other nights. She weeps, bawls, cries, wails, screams herself to sleep and gives up.
She wants the pain to go away. She wants to—to die.
"S-Someday…" she murmured in-between rough coughs, "…everything will work out." Then she laughs—dry and bitter, feeling no life—it sounded horrible, so guttural. It's a lie. "It will…be alright."
Someday.
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thy dear bittersweet…
Me.4.U
・・one・・ …pain
Pain is life—the sharper, the more evidence of life. —Charles Lamb
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"Ino-pig and I made sure we're all in the same classes together with Hina-chan. It's just too bad we won't be able to see you more. Maybe lunch? OK, maybe not. Why did you have to be a year older?!" Haruno Sakura threw her hands in the air as she gave a semi-glare towards Tenten.
Oh yeah, another natural hair. The best part? It was pink. Bubblegum pink. Tenten never liked the color but she grew to tolerate it when she met Sakura. Sakura's hair used to be long but she cut it not too long ago. She said she got tired of having it in the way when she sleeps—and eats gum.
Tenten rolled her eyes. "Don't blame me for being born a year earlier than you guys. And can you please, please remind Ino not to barge into the seniors' campus? It'd be my responsibility if she does so because I'd probably be the only senior to know her and respect her I-Babble."
"Oh c'mon! You can't blame Ino for her I-Babble mode," Sakura protested, putting on her headband (which was, of course, pink). "And besides it won't hurt to come, see you, meet up, and admire each others' lovely faces!"
"But the thing is, whenever you guys come to see me, it becomes a ruckus!" Tenten sighed, "For the other people, I mean. Not for me, OK?"
Sakura clucked her tongue, "Right. Right. I get it. So anyway, you think we could see each other later? I mean, it won't hurt to suck at each others' faces once in a while. It'll be delicious! Yumm."
Slightly creeped out, Tenten narrowed her eyes at the bubblegum junior. "OK, stop it. That sounded really wrong. Please Sakura, do me a favor and make sure to apply the formal vocabularies you learn in grammar class. You seriously need it!"
Pouting, Sakura flipped her bangs and adjusted her bag on her shoulder. "Fine, be that way! I'm not an honored student for nothing, you know?"
"Yeah, whatever."
Sakura glanced at her older friend from the corner of her eye. Something's seriously wrong.
"Tenten-san."
"Yeah?" She can't know.
"Are…" the bubblegum girl hesitated. "Are you alright?" Idiot. Obviously she's not.
"…" Tenten blinked at her, tilting her head in confusion. "What made you ask?" Don't tell her.
Rolling her eyes, Sakura grabbed the senior's hand and inspected her wrists. "What are these? You're like, full of bandages! Did you burn yourself again?" Please don't lie!
Smiling sheepishly, Tenten nodded. "Yeah. I kind of manipulated the stove in a wrong way. AGAIN." Liar!
"AGAIN?"
"Yes, and trust me, you wouldn't want to know how it felt." Horrible. It felt horrible.
"Right. Riiight, I believe you." Like yeah, I do.
"What's with the look?! It's true, alright? You know that I hate the stove, Sakura," Tenten sighed. Please, make her believe me!
Sakura snorted. "No, really, the stove just really hates you!" I believe her. For now.
Tenten gave her a disapproving look. "Not funny, Sakura." I'm sorry, Sakura.
"Hey, it's true!"
"We just don't get along, alright?"
Another silence passed them. Sakura broke it once again.
"You know what?"
"What?"
"I'm kinda hungry."
"You know what?"
"What?"
"Me too."
"I forgot to eat breakfast."
"I didn't."
"But you're hungry."
"Kinda."
"Well, then let's grab something to munch before the bell decides to spoil the mood!"
"Right away!"
One day, you will tell me the truth.
I can't let her know.
So much for best friends.
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"I can't believe it. We're all growing up so fast!" Yamanaka Ino screeched as Hyuuga Hinata walked beside her.
After their little breakfast at the nearest café, Sakura and Tenten went back to school and met up with the two other girls of their little clique.
Sakura scrunched up her face. "Duh. People grow, Ino-pig."
"A-And they get old," Hinata spoke meekly.
"NO!" Ino threw her arms up in the air. "I mean, we're all seniors! And Tenten-san's like…on her last year and voila! She'll be a legal adult—"
"Um. Not quite, Ino." Tenten sighed.
"—and we'll all be the magnificently shining stars of the world—"
"For once in your life, INO! Shut up." Sakura gritted out, impatience totally taking over her.
Turning around, mouth agape, Ino fumed. "Don't you tell me to shut up, Sakura! You know it would kill me to do that!"
"Oh…u-um. Please…" and poor Hinata was left to be the peacemaker.
Yamanaka Ino, a platinum blonde beauty, was into her I-Babble mode once again. Hyuuga Hinata, the most adorable and sweet girl of the world, desperately tried to stop Sakura and the blonde from clawing at each others' faces.
RING—! RING—! RI—
"Seriously, guys, it's time for class. You got to break it up!" Tenten pleaded to her friends. The loud bell continued its ringing and students scrambled off to find their classes.
"I swear I'll break your porky nose, Ino-pig!" Sakura huffed.
Ino mocked her with a face that said oh-yeah-make-me. "I can't wait, Forehead!"
"I'm sure you can't, you big fat PIG!"
"What did you just say?! I swear I'll break that filthy little mouth of yours, Billboard-brow!!"
"LATER, Pig!"
"DEFINITELY!"
Hinata glanced at the eldest girl of the group. Tenten shook her head with a helpless smile. Hinata returned it with a nervous giggle as she followed the blonde and bubblegum bickering friends.
"S-See you later, Tenten-san!"
"Aye, see ya!"
Exchanging waves, the best friends went of their own separate ways toward class.
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Tenten never wanted to join the student council. She never did. The only reason she was participating was because she was chosen out of question. It wasn't as if she had other choices. Who was she to refuse the principal's request?
Covering her mouth to suppress a yawn, Tenten suppressed the urge to stretch out her muscles. They suddenly hurt. They burn. Like she had just been out on a long run of marathon.
It fuckin' hurts. Damn it! Damn it.
She wished homeroom would end soon.
Not now. God, please, not now. She tried not to whimper.
Attempting to just focus on whatever the student council professor was saying, Tenten took a huge gulp of her saliva. Her throat burned. She felt like she was on fire. Fire that was burning everything inside of her. Her muscles ached to no end. Spasms threatened to shoot all over her body and she feverishly tried to control them, without causing any attention.
Gosh, oh gosh, she bit her lip as hard as she could to bite back a painful groan. Make it stop…please. Not now.
"That's it for homeroom," the professor's stern voice cut through her senses. "You are dismissed."
And right then, the bell rang. Students immediately took off with their chitchats and headed out for lunch break.
Slowly, Tenten slumped back into her chair, not even bothering to move from it. She heaved a big sigh, taking in a huge gulp of air.
Thank God. Thank God that's over.
"Tenten!"
She turned around and the moment she did, a strong spasm shot throughout her body. She stiffened and gripped the table as hard as she could to overcome the pain. Damn it.
"L-Lee! Hi." She managed to speak out, biting back a loud grunt.
Rock Lee bounced over to her. "Isn't it such a wonderful day today, my youthful flower?" His smile was annoying her. Not because she didn't like it. No. She wants to smile like that. She wants to be as happy like him. So happy.
"Yeah, you're," coughing slightly, Tenten bit back a whimper, "right. It is a beautiful day, Lee."
Sensing that something was wrong on one of his precious friends, Lee's smiling face was immediately replaced by complete concern, his thick brows knitting in wonder and confusion. "Is something wrong, Tenten?"
He was being so kind. He was supposed to leave her alone.
Tenten whimpered. She just had to.
Lee instantly reacted and kneeled down to her side. "My blossom, what is the matter?! Tell me! Where does it hurt, my flower?!"
Make him leave. Tenten ignored the voice. Shut up.
"I-I'm fine, Lee. Really. Just a bit…well, you know? My throat's like itchy and all. But nothing serious. I promise." It was a lie but Tenten had no other choice.
Lee did not look convinced at all. "My flower—"
Managing an assuring smile, Tenten said, "I'm OK, alright? Now go and don't miss lunch. I'll catch up." I can't.
"But—"
"Go. Now!" You don't have to see something like this.
"Tenten—"
"Lee. Go before I drag your butt over there!" Leave!
"But Tenten—"
"I'm serious, Lee." I can't hold it anymore.
"B-But if you ever need someone, please Tenten," Lee spoke in such rush but it was understandable, "I will be here for you, my flower! And you can always tell me what's wrong!"
Seeing the look on Tenten's face, Lee nodded but with noticeable reluctance, he skipped off the classroom and headed to lunch.
I wish I could, Lee. How I wish I could. But how am I supposed to when I don't even know what the heck is wrong with me?
Tenten felt like screaming. Tears were ready to well in her eyes in less than a second. It was coming back. Again. And she didn't think she would be able to hold it down. Not now.
The pain—it was coming back. She raised a hand to clutch her head; the other arm clutched her stomach. Knowing that no one was in the room, she didn't resist the urge to whimper and yelp and groan in unbearable pain. Make it stop. Somebody.
Jumping in surprise, Tenten felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. She forced herself to reached for it, hand shaking uncontrollably and her whole body battling with cold and hot inside her. It hurts…!
"Y-Yeah?" she suppressed the cough threatening to spill out blood.
"DUDETTE!"
Tenten winced at Ino's shrieking call.
"Ino?" her voice sounded weak even to her own ears.
"WHERE ON THE LIVING EARTH ARE YOU? WHY AREN'T YOU HERE WITH US?"
"Ino—"
"Did something happen? Huh? Ok, I'll calm down, but I just CAN'T!! C'MON OVER! WE'RE LIKE WAITI—"
"INO! Listen! Please," Tenten croaked out.
"Um. OK. What? Are you sick or something?"
"What?! No, I'm not, OK? I'm fine. Just…I'm sorry. I won't be able to make it. I kind of have something very important to do. I'll be busy."
"WHAT? But we thought—"
"I know, alright? So please, go on without me. It wouldn't kill you, OK? Don't ever, ever miss lunch. I'm really sorry!" Tenten tried her hardest to sound urgent so the call would be over.
"Oh. OK. Fine. But don't miss lunch too, OK? We'll see each other when we can, right?"
Tenten snapped her eyes shut and bit back a nasty cough. "We will. I-I promise. And I won't miss lunch, of course, for you guys. Now make a dash for it and EAT."
"OK. Bye, see ya, take care! We looooves ya!"
"Yeah, bye, see you! Love ya, too." As soon as she said those words, Tenten shut her phone and banged her head on her desk.
"I'm sorry," she murmured in pain. "I'm sorry, guys."
Her body was yearning for her to have something. To get it.
I don't know. God, I don't know.
Yes, you do. You do.
It was already hard for her to resist the pain. It was becoming harder and harder. She wanted it to stop.
Impossible!
Shut up!
You need it.
I don't. I don't. I fuckin' don't!
Forcing her legs to straighten and stand from her seat, Tenten resisted the urge to hurl all over the classroom. She had to wait. To the bathroom.
Moving her legs, she ignored the burning spasms that was wrecking her insides and clutched her stomach. She was going to miss lunch; she knew it. But she wasn't hungry. Not anymore. But I want to be!
No matter what she does, she knew nothing will stop the pain. It was slowing going to break her again and again. I'm used to it. And she hated it. How many times has she been saying she hated the pain? The more she did, the more it was burning her body.
Finally reaching the restroom, Tenten was thankful that the place was empty. Pushing the toilet door wide open, she leaned down to the seat as soon as she could and retched. She gagged the pain over and over again. Eventually, her hurling turned to harsh, nasty croaky coughs. It sounded terrible and Tenten wanted anything but to hear it.
She wanted the pain to end.
But she knew it was impossible.
A part of her still wanted it more than anything. Not because she liked it. Not because it made her everything. No. It's because I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
At least it made her alive. It did. At least she knew she still felt something, pain or not. She endured all those past days, her routine always the same. So why give into it now? She will free herself away from it.
One day, I will.
Never. You lie!
I will show you!
Tenten flushed the disgusting contents she put into the toilet and went to the basin to wash her face. She made sure to cleanse herself clearly as she could, washing off any trace of blood or any nasty marks her vomit left. Gargling as many times as she could, the mirror in front of her finally showed her reflection.
Her eyes dropped.
Gods, did she look hideous. Horrible.
Her face thin, her whole body thin, her eyes dull and droopy and held nothing but nothing into them. Dark bags hung under her eyes, making her look more than wrecked and exhausted. Her skin so pale than she had ever known a color could be as lifeless as it. Her uniform hung lose on her. She looked weak, pathetic, sick. Her hair was a total mess, the bun behind her head almost dropping and strands of her fell. She looked dead—almost as if she is.
But it's OK. I'll be OK. For now.
It wasn't the end, Tenten made herself believe those words. But it was impossible to believe it when she says and thinks about it. She lost her trust on her herself. She is losing herself.
Her whole being said nothing but fear and pain. It'll be OK.
Somehow, Tenten knew it wouldn't be just OK anymore. It was worse. But for now, she'll wait.
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She made sure to fix herself and make it look as if nothing was wrong and she was healthy and perfectly fine—clean and tolerable.
Returning to the classroom, Tenten noticed that a few minutes and it would almost be time for the next period, which meant lunch was soon to end.
Upon entering the homeroom to gather the things she left, Tenten stiffened at the doorway as she saw Hyuuga Neji standing by her desk. He noticed her, looking her way, eyes held no emotion and just...nothing.
"Neji," Tenten made herself smile slightly, "Hey." She resisted the urge to flinch. Her voice still sounded horrible. Nasty and raspy. Making her way towards her desk, she paused and looked at him confusedly.
Hyuuga Neji was another friend of hers. OK, maybe it wouldn't hurt to say best friend but they had actually been, along with Lee. He was known as an absolute proud Hyuuga genius, admired by many (mostly of the female population), and Hinata's elder cousin. But he was void of emotions and his eyes would seem like it could bore through your soul.
"What is this?" his voice held firmness that Tenten couldn't remember a time he had used a tone such like that to her.
"Huh? What?" blinking, Tenten followed his gaze. "What is wh—"
Taking a huge gulp, she stared. Blood. Her own blood on her desk. I could've sworn, I...oh, God.
She didn't even know she sprayed blood on her desk. Tenten could've sworn it wasn't there before, or did she not check?
What could she tell him? She couldn't possibly lie and say it was her period, right? That would just be so embarrassing and plain nuts. Besides, it was on her desk not her chair. My goodness, think of something!
"L-Look, that's nothing. It's probably from the cut I got, alright? It's not a big deal. I was being careless again," taking out a wet tissue from her pocket, Tenten wiped her desk clean, "There. I cleaned it up, OK? It's really nothing."
Great. I'm a stupid liar.
Neji reached out a hand to grasp her shoulder. Tenten flinched; his grip was strong. "What is it, Ne—"
"Then tell me what this is about, Tenten." The Hyuuga prodigy's eyes narrowed in dismay and disapproval as he held out a little packet. The thing that her body was yearning for and the one thing she was trying to get away from.
Tenten's eyes widened. Oh God, no! "W-Why—Where—H—"
She winced when Neji shook her slightly, his grip on her shoulder tightening. "Is this what I think it is, Tenten?" His eyes was telling her not to lie to him—that she could never lie to him.
Don't tell him. Don't fuckin' tell him!
Let him know!
NO! Shut up. Shut up.
DO it. SAY it.
Tenten could feel her insides beginning to churn again, needing its complete release. Spasms were ready to break her, pain was coming back. It would never leave her. Never.
Don't even freakin' start now.
She wanted to cry.
Stay strong!
RING—! RING—! RING—!
The bell rang loud throughout the whole campus. Lunch was over. It was time for the next period. Tenten thanked God mentally for the distraction. Thank you! Thank you for the bell!
For once, she was happy the bell rang. If she could, she would kiss it.
"Neji," Tenten snatched the small packet from his hands and put it back into her pocket. "Whatever you're thinking, I'm sure this is nothing like that. It's anything but whatever you're thinking. And please, next time, ask before you take others' things." She gave him a smile when her voice laced out with little joke.
Neji didn't reply but he let his hand drop down away from her shoulder, and he stepped back.
"It's nothing to bother about. Now, it's time for class and we got to go!" Tenten picked up her things from her desk with a heavy sigh and glanced back at the Hyuuga male. "C'mon. You're coming, right?" It's not your place to know.
Setting his jaws stiffly, Neji nodded. He was obviously not convinced with everything Tenten had just said. She's lying. But he knew he couldn't pressure her about the subject. He had to wait. For now.
Following his female comrade, Neji watched her walking figure grimly. She looked different and...unhealthy. Thinner and looking lighter, looking anorexic, and when his pallid eyes met her dark ones, it felt appalling. No warmth, no life, and all the while holding pain even he couldn't explain. Who is she now?
He still knew nothing. And he overestimated himself about the knowledge of her. Perhaps, there were more things he should learn, but he'd wait. Wait for her. For now.
He was barely listening to whatever she was blabbering about as they walked towards their next class, mixing in with the other scrambling students. He even hardly noticed Lee running to stand beside Tenten. Then, his piercing pale eyes narrowed dangerously when they traveled from her face to her hands. There was a cut on her neck, little blood spots on her collar, and her wrists covered with bandages he'd never seen her wear before.
What are you doing to yourself?
Neji didn't think he could wait for her anymore.
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Forthcoming Chapter: ・・two・・ …glance
A simple glance of the eye is more than words—it is the symbol of identity. —Anonymous
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Footnotes: NO. Tenten is not suffering from anorexia. It is very far from that. It will all be clearer soon enough.
Voila! First chapter is done. This is Me.4.U's first posted story. I apologize for some confusion, but I promise to explain everything in the later chapters. Rating might also go up eventually, depending on how it goes. All quotes are given credits, but most Anonymous quotes are all Me.4.U's ideas. And if anyone wants to know, every chapter title will be the continuation of the story title thy dear bitter sweet...
(i.e. For this chapter: thy dear bittersweet...pain. And the next chapter comes out as: thy dear bittersweet...glance.)
I hope you all get the drill. This will be a really, really long story and for more information, please check out my profile. It came out longer than I'd expected, but oh well. I hoped you enjoyed and please feel free to leave your comments / reviews behind! They will be very much appreciated.
Until then.
—Me.4.U