I've been reading the Dark Horse translations of the Ah! My Goddess manga… well, I was inspired to do a fic on Urd… well, anyway, since I have no idea what the Japanese numbers are… I was reading the volume entitled, "The Devil in Miss Urd," and there's a scene where Mara thinks to herself that Urd still chose to be a goddess, even with the demon inside of her.  ^_^ This is just how she chose. 

Written in a generally disturbing and dark tone that is the opposite of the tone in the manga, but the end is all happy.  ^_^;  Methinks I really shouldn't write an unhappy fic about AMG, but… oh, well.

Any blasphemic comments should be overlooked – the way Heaven works was taken from Ah! Megami-sama! and is in no way a true reflection of my own religious beliefs.

Standard Disclaimers Apply…

~

Goddess – By Kylara
~

"It won't work."

"Even...?"

"Yes.  He tried.  The two halves are inseparable."

"How did … she take it?"

"She's very young.  She didn't even really know what was going on."

"But with a complex program like that, shouldn't she have been told beforehand?"

"He ordered her not to be told what He was doing.  He had a feeling it might not work.  She was not to be disappointed."

"Then what is to be done with her?"

"She is to choose.  She was given two choices: she may stay here in Heaven, and train as a goddess, or she can go to Hell, and become a demon.  Whatever side she chooses, her other will be as repressed as we can with our meager programs.  It is her choice to make."

"But what good is she to us, if she chooses goddess?"

"Plenty.  The Council would like it if she were to be a goddess – she's powerful, you know, and intelligent.  A flair for potions, already, at her young age."

"But she's half-demon!"

"That has nothing to do with it.  As I said, she can be either goddess or demon.  It is her decision."

"B-but… she could turn on us!  Destroy Heaven!"

"For pity's sake, shut up.  You're disgusting me.  She's a child - she's not about to hurt anyone."

"I don't believe that.  Children are all the more volatile - they simply cannot control their powers."

"And you simply cannot control your mouth.  I told you - it's up to her."

"And what if she chooses to be a demon?  Will He really let her go to them, when she has the ability to access Yggdrasil?"

"No.  If she does choose to… leave Heaven, then she will be canceled.  Deleted.  It's as simple as that.  The demons might be a trifle annoyed, but there's nothing they can do about it."

"Then this is good.  She doesn't seem to have any attachment to Heaven so far.  We'll have to kill her, then."

"Would you shut up?  You're repulsive.  Do you actually want her to die?  You'd wish for the death of a child?"

"Better than have her taint the rest of us."

"That's it.  I'm reporting you, and this conversation.  I cannot stand to hear your prejudices anymore.  What you're saying is sacrilegious - do you hear me?  Sacrilegious!  For one of the Heavens to wish for the death of another goddess!"

"'Death of another goddess'?  That's madness.  She's not one of us.  Not a goddess.  I see nothing wrong with what I'm saying.  You can report me, and you'll be laughed at.  After all, she really is nothing but a half-breed – not goddess, not demon."

"You're correct there.  She's not one or the other.  But it's not your place to decide what she is – it's Urd's."

~

In her room, Urd was lying down on her bed, gazing up at the ceiling.  She hurt all over – when He had been running the program on her, she had felt like she was splitting apart at the edges of her body, of her mind, when everything she knew was an edge.  Hours later, it still hurt.  And the program hadn't even worked.

But she was okay, because she was Urd, and she was always strong, and always understood.  Even though He hadn't told her what the program was, she had known.  He had been trying to separate her into two – the demon half and the goddess half.

And she had been willing to try it.  Because she could feel them inside her - they made up her soul.  Two halves, of her soul.  But instead of sliding neatly together, as two parts of a puzzle should, they grated, burning her heart as they each fought for dominance.  Yet, even as they warred, they refused to part, even by the most powerful of programs.

Her own personal Heaven and Hell: courtesy of her Holy Father and her Evil Mother.  At least, that's what gossip said.

And gossip in heaven was usually uncannily accurate.  She had heard the others talking.  About her 'deciding'.  After all, He had told her that since she was half-and-half, she was free to choose to be either a goddess or a demon.  If she chose to be a goddess, she would stay in Heaven, and train to get her license, and become a real Goddess.

He hadn't told her what would happen if she chose to be a demon.

But she knew.

"But it might be better, huh?" Urd whispered, looking up at the ceiling.  There was little that Urd loved in Heaven, or cared for.  Fun only went so far.  Certainly, it might be worth staying in Heaven for Him, because He actually cared, but there was nothing else.  Her father didn't particularly care either way; when he found out that his liaison with a demon woman had produced a child, he had been told to immediately bring the baby – Urd - to the Heavens.  And so, out of duty and not much else, he had done so, much to the anger of the demons.  After all, to them, a demon that would have the ability to trip goddesses with their own tricks would be worth more than anything else.  Obviously, though, for those in the Heavens, this could not be had.  Yet, still, a goddess could only be allowed to use goddess powers, and so her demon part did more harm than good.  And her father was not pleased with her, either – not that the fathers in Heaven had much to do with the raising of their children in the first place - but he stayed away more than was usual.

But Urd didn't care about that.  She was not, by nature, a clingy child.

But then, there were so few things to care about, even in Heaven.  Perhaps death would be better – it would certainly ease the minds of many wary goddesses.

But Urd wasn't one to please others, and certainly not at her own discomfort.  She was fairly sure that the cancellation method wasn't very pleasant.  And, damn it, she didn't want to die.

But she didn't particularly want to live, either.  At least, not live like she was living now - just trudging through each day, listless and sadder than the lowest of mortals.

Then what?

A knock on the door stirred Urd out of her reverie.  "Can I come in?" came a muffled voice from the other side.  Urd sighed.  "Yes."

A goddess stepped in, holding a white clay pitcher, filled with an odd liquid that trickled messily over the sides when she went off balance.  Epona, one of the goddesses whom Urd genuinely liked, was the one who took care of all the births of goddesses and their early childhood.  Urd had been partly raised by her, but had known, for so many years now (thanks to a person who felt it was 'her part' to reveal the truth), that the goddess had been warned to be wary of Urd.  After all, until it was confirmed, everyone was to be wary of her, but not 'influence her decision'.  Because she was half-demon, first and foremost, then half-goddess.  (But if that type of attitude wasn't influencing, nothing was.)  But despite it, she had still liked her, as Epona had always been good and kind, with a genuine liking for Urd.

Now, she beamed at Urd.  "Urd-chan, I wanted to see you," she said, in that soft, comforting voice of hers.  "How are you feeling?"

Urd frowned.  "Not good."

Epona's eyebrows swung together, rather like knitting needles.  "Resting didn't help?"

Urd sighed, kicking her feet up in the air as she plopped down on a chair.  Looking up at Epona through squinted eyes, she said tiredly, "Not really."

Epona walked more into the room, then placed the pitcher on the table next to Urd's bed.  "Well, drink a cup of that, will you please?  It's a sort of simple painkiller.  It won't do much good, but it should help… a little," she said rather doubtfully.

Urd examined it carefully.  "What's in here, anyway?"

Epona paused.  "Oh, just a few little things… I can't give you a very good pain potion, you know, I stink at them.  Luckily for me, very complex potions aren't good for children anyway.  But… let's see… some crystal water, a lily petal, and the tear of a newborn goddess.  Nothing more."

There was another pause.  "Do you have any soda handy?" Urd asked.

Epona's eyes widened.  "S-soda?  Why, yes, I do, as a matter of fact, but…" she looked down at Urd, who held out a hand.  Sighing, she handed Urd a small, plastic bottle of Coca-Cola.  Inwardly, she sighed – there went her last bottle of Coke from Earth.  Ah, well, Urd probably needed more of it anyway.

Untwisting the cap off, Urd promptly poured some of the Coke into its lid, and then dumped that with much hand waving and silky finesse straight into the pitcher.  After a rather sudden bang, greenish-gray smoke wafted up from it, floating through the air and giving off a rather noxious scent.  She then poured it into a cup and downed it without blinking.  Coughing, a little gray smoke rose from her throat, but then she smiled at Epona.  "Carbonation.  It can really change potions.  Thanks, Epona – I feel so much better now!" she exclaimed, handing her back the Coca-Cola bottle to Epona.

Epona's jaw was somewhere on Earth.  "You… you knew how to change the potion, just like that?"

Urd shrugged.  "Something like that, I guess," she said carelessly, with the manner of someone who's 'been there, done that, three million times'.  "It was in a book I read, and I thought it might work.  It was just a guess, though.  If it didn't work, nothing would've happened anyway."

Epona closed her mouth again.  "Anyway, Urd-chan, I'm glad that you could use the painkillers, but that's not why I'm here today."

Urd blinked.  "Really?  Then why?" she said, slightly surprised.

A smile fluttered across the goddess's face.  "There's been another birth this week," Epona said, with a soft, painful smile.  "A very beautiful little goddess was born, earlier this morning."  While we were trying to rip you into two, she added silently.  In her opinion, Urd was born the way she was for a reason – and there was no cause for messing with children like that, none at all.  Especially children that were part-goddess.  Even for Him.

Oblivious to Epona's thought pattern, Urd rolled her eyes impatiently.  "Goddesses are born quite often, Epona," she said matter-of-factly.  "What's so wonderful about this one?"

A peaceful, but slightly sly smile crossed Epona's lips.  "You'll have to see for yourself.  If you're feeling better, I'd very much like you to go see her with me.  Please?"

Urd had no choice – with her new-and-improved painkillers, she scarcely felt a thing – to lie and say that it still hurt would not only be against Urd's morals (she believed in being brutally frank), it would also be saying that she didn't fix up the potion very well.

And so, to the nursery they went.  Epona was thrilled that Urd was going, and for the same reason, Urd was displeased.  After all, leaving and entering her room was a hassle – dozens of programs and spells were set-up around it, so that in case Urd ever went – wrong – they'd be able to control her right away. 

There were no such things around a true goddess' door.

At the nursery entrance, Epona paused, and looked at Urd carefully.  "Urd-chan, I want you to be very quiet.  She was born just today, so we have to be very careful and quiet, okay?"

Urd rolled her eyes.  "Yes, Epona, I know how to act around babies."  When they let me near them.  "She's pure, right?  Pure goddess, right?" Urd asked flatly. 

Epona's eyes widened.  "Why, would that make a difference?  After all, Urd, I liked you just the way you were, when you were a baby."

The pacifying comment was sugary sweet, and despite its sappiness (which Urd was not soothed by), Urd could see the good intentions, and gave a wistful little half-smile in return.

In the room, there was only one cradle, set by the window, glowing in a light that if tangible, would have the most mellifluous texture.  Urd could see that various enchantments were around it – giving warmth, protection, health, a state of contented mind… the whole deal.  In fact, there were almost more protective programs set up around the cradle then there were around Urd's room.  She didn't know whether to be amused or annoyed.

Epona pushed her gently toward the crib, and Urd stepped forward.  Lying in the cradle was a very small, carefully wrapped up baby, lying in blue and white flannel.  Urd recognized, instantly, the triangular-shapes dotting the spaces right above the cheeks – very much like Urd's own.  But in her own forehead was set a single ellipse, rather than the inverted triangle Urd had.  And framing it all were thin, silky strands of gray-brown hair, encircling the sweet, angelic face.  Urd was disappointed, though – the baby's eyes were closed.  But aside from even that, the baby was simply gorgeous.  Urd didn't really care much for looks – but what caught her was the gentle expression that was on the baby's face.  As if she'd love everyone who ever crossed her path – there was an amazing greatness around her.  And Urd yearned for it, longed to hold her, but dared not touch.

"Her name is Belldandy," Epona said, tucking the blankets more tightly around the baby.  "She went to sleep right away after she was born, and hasn't woken up since.  But she's destined to be a goddess First Class – that is, if she makes the training.  People call her special, but really, I see nothing more special about her than the other babies." Epona ended quietly, lying through gritted teeth.

Urd looked up in surprise at Epona – quiet, truthful Epona?  "But this baby is wonderful, Epona!  Look at her – even I can tell that she's gorgeous!"

"But you're biased, Urd-chan."

Urd twisted her face into a confused expression.  "What's that mean?"

"It … means you already have a special, unfair liking to her."

Urd sighed impatiently.  "That doesn't make sense, Epona.  I've never seen her before!"

Epona reached out, and tucked back a loose strand of silky silver-white hair from Urd's face, and smiled gently at her.  "No, you haven't," she said softly.  "But, you see, Urd-chan, she's your little sister."

Urd drew back, eyes widening in surprise.  "What?" she managed to sputter.  "My – my little sister?"

Epona nodded.  "Yes," she said gently.  "Your little sister."

"Is she half-demon, too?  She couldn't be!" Urd exclaimed.  "She… just doesn't look like she's from Hell!"

"And exactly what's a characteristic of hell, anyway?" Epona asked, half amused and half annoyed that Urd had been brainwashed so effectively.  "But you're right, she's not half-demon – she's pure goddess.  You and Belldandy here share the same father, not mother.  But the baby that you think is so beautiful is your little sister – amazing, isn't it?"

All the more amazing, considering her ass of a father – but Urd kept that thought to herself, only reached out to touch the baby, and when Epona made no movement to stop her, caressed Belldandy's face with a gentle hand.  "She's… really… my sister?" she whispered, entranced.

The baby's eyes opened – wide and pretty, a warm, nice color – the same color of the cloths wrapped around her.

Epona gasped.  "She – she woke up!  My, what a pretty pair of eyes this goddess has – and she woke up for you!  How nice, isn't it, Urd-chan?"

But Urd was oblivious to Epona, as she reached out and grasped the little cloth-covered hand that had started to wave at her.  The baby had a rather somber look on her face – no, not a baby, her sister: Belldandy.

And Belldandy suddenly flashed the most beautiful smile, directly at a very shocked Urd.

Epona's eyebrows shot up.  "Why, she smiled!  How odd… babies can't really smile for weeks.  It must be you, Urd," she said hopefully, attempting to put Urd in the 'right direction'.

But Urd was silent as she caressed Belldandy's cheek.  How odd, it was – Urd never knew that you could feel so happy, simply by seeing a little baby.  Her little sister, Urd reminded herself.  Someone she wanted to see.  The baby didn't really need her, Urd knew – after all, there were plenty of goddesses in Heaven that would adore being a sister of sorts to such a magnificent baby.

But Urd wanted Belldandy.  And as silly and as clichéd as Urd could feel the idea was, her doubts and misgivings of life were evaporating away, like pouring water onto hot sand under a hot sun.

Because when you want to live, but don't have a reason to, you'll grab onto anything you can find.

And as Belldandy fell asleep underneath the feel of Urd's gentle hand, she didn't think that the baby would mind filling the position of such a role.

Even by a half-demon, half-goddess.

"Epona?"  The goddess smiled.  "Yes, Urd-chan?"

"Is it okay… for me, a half-demon, to be near her?"

"Urd-chan – I only let you see her because you are who you are, a half-goddess.  If you were pure, you'd be a different person, and I could never let you near her."

Urd smiled brilliantly.  "Then I know what I'm going to do." 

~

The next day, He called Urd up to Him, in front of the entire Council and the audience from Heaven.  There, Urd stood, bravely, all alone in the center podium, while every single member of Heaven held their breath, waiting to hear her decision.

"Urd," said the Speaker of the Council pompously, "the situation is this.  Your mother is one of Hell, while your father is one of Heaven.  Because of this, you have a demon side, warring with your goddess side.  You have been given the right to choose.   Urd, you have been called here this day to tell the entire Council this choice.  Will you embrace your Heaven, or will you embrace your Hell?"

Urd smiled slyly at the Council (blatantly ignoring the Speaker), already perfecting her smart-alecky attitude.  "With all due respect," she said sweetly, with the slightest tinge of sarcasm, "I am afraid I cannot do either, Speaker-sama."

The Council and audience erupted into hundreds of murmurs, and the Speaker, offended, slammed his hands onto the table in front of him.  "What do you mean by this, Urd?"

"I meant exactly what I said.  If I embrace my Heaven, my Hell is still there, is it not?"

The Speaker scowled.  "Answer the question with an answer, Urd, not another question!"

Urd shrugged, and winked at the Speaker in a manner that would make her famous.  "Sure.  I wish to be a goddess, Speaker-sama."

The Council almost sighed in relief as one entity.  She'd willingly be a goddess.  No blood of one of the Heavens would be shed today.

But the Speaker was still at it.  "Why, then, Urd, if, as you've said, you embrace your Heaven, and your Hell still exists, do you wish to be a goddess?  As a demon, you could more easily live with the fiery Hell."

Uneasy whispers filled the air, but Urd was still smiling.  "True, but it would take the fun out of life, wouldn't it, if it was all easy for me?"  She looked bravely up at the rest of the Council.  "But, you see, I don't mind.  I'd like to be a goddess, because I have a little sister.  She was born last week – her name is Belldandy, you know."

His voice rising above the muttered conversations of the audience, the Speaker said sharply, "And so, you wish to be an older sister to Belldandy, is that it?  You think she needs you?"

"No," Urd said brightly.  "There are others who are willing to do what I want - to be the one to protect her, to be her older sister and do what is right by her.  But I need to be the one to do that.  And if I choose to be a demon, I'd never be able to do that, even if I did live."  The audience broke out into muttering, but Urd barged forward.  "And then I couldn't see Belldandy, and then where would I be?  She's my precious, beautiful little sister.  And for her, I embrace my Heaven!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms out freely in a wide, open manner, as if she would embrace someone.  And indeed, she did, curling her arms back around herself in the most beautiful expression of life, throwing her head up and smiling to the world.

The audience was thrilled.  With applause and cheers ringing in her ears, Urd bowed low to the Speaker, who sniffed rather angrily.  But, up away from the others, He, was pleased, very much so.  And Epona stepped up to Urd, holding Belldandy in her arms.  Urd took her sister up joyfully, cradling her little to her chest tightly and ever so gently.

"Besides," Urd added, gracing the audience and Council with a cocky grin, "those here today have seen Belldandy now know – she's beautiful, and wonderful, and gives off the most radiant and powerful feelings of a goddess - peace and love.  If she's my little sister, I might have some of it too – and then it would just be a shame to deprive the world of me, Urd: Goddess!"

~ fin

For the life of me, I have no idea where this came from.  I think I got sick of writing 'Tadaima'.  I don't know.  Really, I have a lot of other fics I should write instead, but I just couldn't help writing this.  Amazingly, the first, rough draft of this only took me two hours, but I'm still kind of pleased with this – although, I can see a whole lot of mistakes that I'll fix when I feel like it.  Anyway, if you'd like, review!  ^_^;

The devotion that Urd showed to Belldandy is inspired by the movie – Urd was incredibly protective of Belldandy from Celestine (…for a good reason), and when the potion had to be administered, she was prepared to do anything for her little sister.  Not to mention, Urd kicked butt – period – in that movie.

The "Audience from heaven" and the "Speaker of the Council" is completely made up.  I know that there is something like what I'm saying in AMG, but it's not mentioned often – my only reference is the movie.  You could say that this fic is a demented anime/manga mix.  ^_^ They don't differ much, anyway, except that the anime has a decidedly darker tone.

I am perfectly aware that babies don't smile for some time after their births.  However, it would've taken me more time than I am willing to sacrifice in order to find out how much time, and it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway.  So bear with me.

According to an interview with Fujishima Kosuke, the names for the goddesses were picked from Norse myths.  Well, Epona, for those familiar with Zelda will know that Epona is the name of Link's horse… Well, I heard that Epona is supposedly a Norse goddess of horses.  It was the only name I knew that was applicable ^_^ so, the goddess in here is Epona.  Ho-hum.  I could be wrong – my information source was a bit drafty.

[Update] Wintermute kindly pointed out to me that I was – well, wrong.  :D  Apparently, Epona is a Celtic goddess of horses (::bangs her head on table::) and Coca-Cola was a STOMACH medicine, not a painkiller.  (Had pepsine and coke leaves in it for a few years…)  For various reasons (one being that I'm lazy), I'm not going to change Epona's name, though.  Thanks so much to Wintermute for correcting my hideous mistake!

Oh, and the Coca-Cola?  For those of you who didn't know, that was inspired by two things: One, Peorth completely messes up one of Urd's potions by adding soda (it was the carbonation) to it.  The other was Coca-Cola's original properties.

This takes place when Urd was a child, which will explain why her personality is different from what she is now.  For my purposes, she's a very intelligent … six-year old?  I don't know how much older Urd is than Belldandy, but as we see in the movie, Belldandy was pretty young – about six, I'd say, while Urd was giving her the potion… and Urd looked about twelve, thirteen.  Maybe fourteen.  Which would place Urd's age in this fic at about six or seven, maybe eight.  Well, let's just say goddesses are quite a bit more intelligent and articulate at young ages than humans.  Besides, Urd as a child… it's hard to imagine.  I do feel, though, that part of her would be just as cocky and wild as she is now.

The mean person who wanted Urd killed at the beginning is just the typical bigot.  I figure they're there in AMG heaven, too, just lurking around.  The goddesses act far too human for there not to be some relative backlash.  Probably slightly influenced by Inu Yasha.  Anyway, she had a point – children are more volatile than adults.  Anyone see the AMG movie?  Hell-o, Belldandy.

Since both people go unnamed, their identities really are left to the reader.  But if Urd's defender was anyone, it would be Epona.  Anyway, this was fun!

Kylara@haneoka.net

First draft completed February 2, 2002.