In the village of Konoha there is a river. Following this river we are led to a bench. However, this is not just any bench, sitting on that very bench we see a 14 year old with long black hair and dark rings under his eyes named Sachi. With him there is another boy, a younger, much more vulnerable boy named Sasuke. These two brothers, whom are two of the three known survivors of the Uchiha massacre, are looked down upon by the rest of the village due primarily to their last name and social status. For among the people of Konoha, the Uchiha were the most feared and the most despised.
In another time Kiritsugu, the Mage Slayer, stands perched atop a skyscraper, looking down upon a very different village of sorts. Fuyuki City. He turns to Illyasviel, finishing up the summoning circle. She smiles. "The catalyst" he says, without a trace of emotion. Illyasviel produces a head band, a spiraled symbol in its center, and places it on the blood.
At the same time this takes place we find Ryuuji, accompanying Taiga on their usually shopping routine. "Ooo, I want pork cutlets tonight," exclaimed Taiga with much enthusiasm. "Taiga, we had Pork last night. Tonight I was thinking we have some rice balls;" said Ryuuji while ducking under the rather anticipated punch by Taiga.
Suddenly Yusuke comes barreling in in a pick-up. All that can be heard are the squeal of tires and a dull thud as he crashes into Ryuuji and Taiga, killing them instantly. "Well would you look at that" he says with a frown. He looks at his hand as the back of it begins to burn, and witnesses the formation of a bizarre, blood red symbol that vaguely looks like a couple of kids under a car.
As Yusuke began to back out of the grocery store he was stopped, being confronted by Taiga and Ryuuji's friend Ami. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" asked Ami. Yusuke could do nothing but stutter incoherently, like a startled deer that somehow obtained the ability to stutter. "I noticed you have a symbol on your hand. It is kind of similar to mine!" Ami noticed as she showed Yusuke her mark taking the shade of a man in a wheelchair being hit by a car.
"Cool! Let's be best friends!" Yusuke cried. And so Yusuke and Ami went off together, sharing smoothies, holding hands, and fucking like rabbits. They were the best of friends, and one day, as they sat by the riverside, a small boy with a weird headband and dark rings under his eyes approached them.
"Hey," said sachi to the two friends. "You to look pretty happy, I was happy once before my parents died. Did I mention my parents were dead? It was pretty tragic. One day they were there and then poof, they're gone. Yeah, I've got this really annoying little brother and all he ever does is make angry faces in a mirror and say 'Itachi, we meet at last. Today is the day I kill you!' and it's pretty pitiful." Ami and Yusuke could do nothing but awkwardly nod in agreement. "Oh! I see that you two are holding hands. I think it's safe to assume that you two in fact 'fuck like rabbits'!"
There was a single gunshot. Ami laid dead, a bullet in her brain, and Yusuke screamed out in agony. Kiritsugu appeared next to Sachi, sniper in tow. "Nice work distracting them for me". He turns to Yusuke. "You've been marked as a master in the 4th Holy Grail War. Let's form an alliance." Yusuke stands up, turns to Kiritsugu slowly, and then nods his head in affirmation.
"Link start!" shouted Kirigaya as he was transported into the virtual world of Sword Art Online, or so he thought. As he opened his eyes he found that he was not in the world of Sword Art Online but was instead by a riverside. He heard a gunshot and saw lying in the grass a seemingly unconscious girl and standing beside her three men.
"What the fuck?" said Sachi. Yusuke turned to where he was looking and saw a kid dressed in cosplay. "He appeared out of nowhere". "Is that unusual?" said Yusuke. Sachi, turned to him, then back to the cosplayer. "Not really". Yusuke turns back to Kiritsugu. "So yeah, alliance sounds cool, if you can provide me with a little exposition".
"Who needs a story or a personality when you have a harem as big as mine?" asks Kirigaya. "Oh damn, this guy is savage.." murmured Yusuke. "I was savage once, before my parents died," said Sachi trying to be relevant in the conversation. As they continue to talk, they fail to notice a strange figure watching them in the distance.
Kiritsugu takes them back to his place where they kill Kirigaya and use his blood to make a summoning circle. "I found this for you" says Kiritsugu as he hands Yusuke an ancient katana. "This will be your catalyst, the catalyst for Saber. Place it in the circle, charge your energy, and say exactly what I say".
The person watching them, who was not forgotten, followed them back to Kiritsugu's house. She peers in through a window and notices what she believes to be some sort of ritual. She then notices a dead body, and in the distance hears the agonizing scream of several heartbroken women.
"By body and blood, yadda yadda yadda…come forth!" And so there was a blast of light and a lone samurai appeared. Dressed in red, a cross-shaped scar on his cheek, he peered round the room in wonderment. "You're in a fanfiction" said Sachi. "The writer wants it to be 100,000 words long." "Fuck that shit!" said the samurai and he stabbed himself through the head.
As the unnamed samurai, whose name is KENSHIN, stabbed himself in the head a ghostly figure appeared out of his corpse. "I'm the Flying Dutchman and I'm here to steal your souls!" (Plot-fucking-twist)
"Fanfiction?" Yusuke asked. "Yes" said Sachi, "the writings of untalented hacks without a creative bone in their body, leeching off the work of others with the desire to share their own fantasies and opinions, as unoriginal and tired as they are, because otherwise they'll go unheard in a sea of would-be writers. Easily identified by its lack of basic character establishment and development, lack of world, lack of voice, and the pure onslaught of sodden exposition that no one but the writer gives a shit about because that's all fanfiction is. Exposition".
"Yeah, but come on man. Fanfiction is pretty cool!" Defended Kirigaya's now risen corpse.
"How? Name one thing you know about me? My personality, my goals, my beliefs". Sachi points to Yusuke. "How about this dope? Name something about him besides for the fact he fucks like a rabbit".
"Well, maybe if the writer would actually get to the story instead of bitching about fanfiction, then we'd learn about the characters. Characters need to be developed. You don't start off knowing everything about them, you learn about them over time. I'm sure, theoretically speaking, that if our actions were under the influence of an English major right now, he would know that. It'd be a gosh darn shame if he didn't" Said Kirigaya.
"An English Major? With your grammar? No. Not a chance. But we've come so far in this story all ready, by this time any good writer would have established the things I mentioned before, or at least most of them. Instead of just saying what's happening, how about showing it?" Asuna bursts into the room from the window. "This is for killing my boyfriend!" No one gives a shit.
"What has been written up until this point is maybe the equivalent of one chapter. You can't have thorough and proper development of your characters in one chapter. Especially when your freakishly sadistic writer kills characters the second they're introduced. What are we George R. R. Martin now or something? Noob." Exclaimed a triumphant Kirigaya. "Um hello? I'm here to avenge your death.. Shouldn't you be dead?" asked Asuna.
And then the author had a heart-attack.
The previous paragraph was not indented. Therefore, the writer of said paragraph must face capital punishment.
They rekilled Kirigaya and summoned KENSHIN again. This time Yusuke used a command seal to stop him from committing suicide, and Kiritsugu used a command seal to take away Sachi's mouth. Yusuke and Asuna started making out. "Finally, a real man!" Asuna croons.
And then, all of a sudden, Ryuuji comes bursting through the door. "Oh crap, sorry about the mess!" Says Ryuuji as he begins to pick up the pieces of the shattered door. As he picks up the last piece he turns towards Yusuke, "You almost ran me over you asshole! Luckily, I used a jutsu to switch my body with that of an old man. You see, when I was little my father died and my mother couldn't support me. So I ran away to a far off village sometimes referred to as 'the Sand Village'. There I learned all sorts of new techniques using an energy source called Chakra. But anyway, as I was saying, what the hell you asshole?"
"Well, if you want the truth, it's cause I slept with your girlfriend and she was starting to feel all guilty about it and she was going to tell you and I didn't want no ninja all up in my business so I ran her over and accidentally ran you over too. Sorry dude".
"Bro, not cool bro. Though I don't really believe it, Taiga's standards were a bit too high, unlike Keiko's standards. That useless piece of shit would have sex with anyone. In fact, she's banging that Samurai guy right now."
Yusuke turns to KENSHIN, who is indeed mounted on a squealing Keiko. He turns back to Ryuuji. "Yeah, but the dude's a total pimp. Like seriously bro, I'm not even mad. With him in the room it was inevitable". Kiritsugu pulls out a pistol and shoots it in the air to get everyone's attention.
"I too have had sex with many women but that is not important right now. You who broke my door, I don't know what your name is, but I do notice you have a peculiar mark on your hand in the shape of what seems to be a turtle on a wheelchair. I believe it's safe to assume that you too will be partaking in the Holy Grail War."
"Actually, this is just a really shitty tattoo…" Kiritsugu glares at him. "I mean, yeah, yeah I am. Let's do this". They kill Asuna to make another blood circle, put another headband in the middle, and say the incantation to summon Berserker. As the smoke clears the frame of a woman takes shape. Sakura!
"Oh my God what the hell is that thing?!" "My eyes!" "What is that monster?" "She looks even more useless than I am!" They all turned to Keiko who was no longer doing the frick frack with KENSHIN and said "Honey, no."
"Should I send her back?" asked Kiritsugu. Sachi grabbed his arm to stop, then slowly walked up to the useless one. All he could think was that he had the strongest urge to poke her in the forehead and make salad. He decided to reserve his finger sperm for later. "Alright!" said Yusuke. "Now who are we fighting?"
"You're fighting me!" shouted a mysterious figure from the dark, revealing himself to be Gaara. "I'm not letting this bullshit go on any longer. You whatever the hell your name is, Sachi or something. You're not even a real character. You must disappear... Like your parents." "That was a low blow man" whimpered Sachi, in his mind.
Kiritsugu looked thoughtful. "You're right. We can't have this fucker mess up the show's continuity. He pulled out his pistol and shot Sachi in the head. Turning to Gaara, "You're my new servant." "Cool," Gaara said.
"Wait a minute it doesn't work like that!" Argued KENSHIN. Because it was the mighty words of KENSHIN that were spoken it instantly came true, just then Gaara evaporated. "Well shit. Can't argue with that logic." Said an impressed Kiritsugu. "I guess you'll just have to be my new servant," He says as he kills Yusuke.
Three years later, Yusuke would recount the events to Koenma in Spirit World. "It was awful. They couldn't decide on anything. At one point they even started arguing about the validity of fanfiction as an art-form." "Way to break the fourth wall," replied Koenma. Yusuke looks off into the distance. "I just wish I was alive a little longer, just so I could have spent more time with… KENSHIN." Koenma took a long slurp of his tea, then looked squarely at Yusuke. "Sucks," he said.
Going back three years, shortly after the death of Yusuke things began to pick up. Everyone began to have a stare off. But, before anyone could make a move, the Flying Dutchman appeared and said "DON"T FORGET ABOUT ME. I'M STILL GOING TO STEAL YOUR SOULS!" To which the ever so useless Sakura and the even more useless Keiko screamed "Ohhhhh Yusuke!" "Narutooooo Sasukeeeeyeyey!"
At this moment Kurama jumped in through the window and cut the Dutchman in half with his Rose Whip. "Stop derailing the plot!" he cried. "You're the one derailing the plot!" Ryuuji shouted back. But Kurama didn't hear him. He and KENSHIN were too busy staring at each other, both perplexed past wonderment at the sudden doubling of ginger spice.
"You," said Kurama "are one sexy motherfricker". "I know;" Said KENSHIN as he flipped his hair. Just as he did that Keiko's ovaries exploded and she slowly melted into a useless pile of nothingness.
And so began the end, of the first chapter, of the first part, of the first tome of the adventures of Ginger Spice, Useless, OCD, Batman, and all those who tragically lost their lives in this battle of words. Tune in next week (or next year) for the next exciting installment of: Whoever We Don't Randomly Kill!