It ain't easy doin' what I do.

Being a Kids Next Door operative ain't all about eating candy, fighting bad buys, and punching things. Some days they ask more of ya. Some days ya gotta eat a lot of candy. Some days ya gotta fight super bad guys. Some days ya gotta punch things really hard.

I mean, really, really hard. This one time we were fighting Mr. Wink and Mr. Fibb and they had this chair made out of megaly hard triply fort-a-ma-fied steel. I had to hit it, like, six times before it went down. It was so cool, ya had to be there! They had these lasers that went all 'pew pew' but I was all like 'HIYA' and they went down faster than some kindergartner at nap time. I've done a lot of awesome things, but I gotta admit; that's like one of my top eight awesome moments.

Uh, it's probably like six or somethin'. Maybe five. It's up there, that's all I know.

Sadly, it ain't always like that. Not every mission gets a squeaky clean happy ending. Sure, you may totally kick butt and stuff, but sometimes the bad guys kick back just enough to leave you sore for a while. Even though you win, it turns out to be nothin' more than a hollow victory.

I've had my fair share, but one sticks out the most. I'll never forget that crazy night…

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kids next door mission

operation:

c.a.p.e.r.

Clueless

Agent

Prematurely

Exposes

Racketeer

It all started about two weeks ago. There was a weird case going around where a lot of kids were getting sick after drinking soda. After poking around and roughin' up some dorks who thought they were too smart to get caught, me and my bestest pal traced the soda stains all the way back to Mr. Fizz. The loser figured the only way to get kids sick of soda was to, uh, well, make 'em actually sick off soda…

…yeah, I thought it was stupid too.

But after giving Fizz and his friends the beat down, me and my pal caught the attention of Numbuh Ten, leader of Sector L herself. She was so amazed by our skills that she wanted to have an interview with us on her show. Can't say I blame her, I'm pretty amazing, and I figured showing that off to kids world-wide would be pretty cool.

At least I thought it was cool 'til I found out she didn't wanna interview me! No, she just wanted to interview Hoagie! She went on and on about how impressed she was with his "detective" skills, and how he managed to figure out Fizz was behind the scheme. Yet when I started talking about how I helped and kicked major tail she said "viewers wouldn't be interested in that".

What kind of crud is that? Honestly, I work my butt off and this is the thanks I get? I got mauled by dogs tryin' to stop that sicko, but nooooo! Let's suck up to mister Detective Numbuh Two because he's so cool and terrific!

Bah!

So there I was, stuck backstage in Sector L's studio while Hoagie yucked it up with the video crew. They kept blathering on and on about how ratings were gonna go through the roof and how Hoagie would get his "fifteen minutes of fame" or whatever that meant.

Well ya know what? Who cares about being famous anyway? Not me!

Nope.

Not one bit.

Does not bother me at all.

Not even a little.

"Something bothering you, buddy?" I looked up to see Hoagie had wandered over, face 'bout to spilt apart cause of that cheesy smile of his. Well if he thinks that's gonna work on me then he's got another thing coming. That kissing up stuff doesn't work on me.

"Well, look who decided to grace me with their presence," I greeted. I saw him flinch at that and smirked to myself. Good, he should feel guilty; he didn't even bother to argue to try and get me any screen time!

Not that I cared, mind you!

"C'mon pal, don't be like that," he said. He was trying, I'll give him that. Could see it written all over his face. But no amount of pouting or moaning changes hard core facts, and the fact was that he was eating up all the credit and leaving me with scraps! "Numbuh Ten got you front row seat tickets; best seats in the house! She doesn't do that for anybody, you know."

I rolled my eyes. "Really? Well then I guess that makes everything fine and dandy now, doesn't it?"

"Look, I know you're upset-"

"Me? Upset? Whatever gave you that idea?" I don't care if he was my best mate in the whole wide world, he would not be getting off the hook that easy. "I mean I only risked my butt and did just as much work as you did on that mission. Why would I be upset that I'm not gonna be on TV after all that?"

Which I didn't care about, honest.

"You heard it from Numbuh Ten herself. Kids hear about operatives like you beating up bad guys all the time on her news show," he tried to explain. He then framed his hands and spread 'em out, like he was trying to get me to see some bigger picture. "They wanna hear about what they don't see! They wanna hear all the juicy, gritty, secret-y details that comes with super sleuth work. And who better to illustrate all that better than yours truly?"

Illustrate? "I thought you were being interviewed, not making arts and crafts."

"Arts and crafts? What's that supposed to-oh, forget it," he mumbled, having the nerve to frown at me. "Look, fact of the matter is that the audience goes nuts for detective stories, so of course I gotta be the one that goes on live. I did all the detective work!"

"So? What's so special about lame-o detective work?" I argued, unknowingly setting that night's events into motion. "Oh, look at me! I gotta tip-toe around like some doofus and search for clues and write 'em down in my handy-dandy notebook! Puh-lease! Anybody could do that stuff."

"Oh? Then by all means, tell me the last caper you solved, Mister Sherlock Holmes."

Y'know, there are sometimes where I wish I could keep my mouth shut. Things just come out! But while I was one-hundred and twenty percent right, Hoagie had a point. I can't really say I had any detective-y experience before tonight.

Well, except for that one time where, "I found out which hamsters were getting into my soda stash!"

Of course, being the smart aleck he is, Hoagie had to have some comeback for everything.

"Wally, all of our hamsters have gotten into your soda stash at least once."

"S-So what?" Not one of my best moments. I hate it when he does that! I get this annoying stutter in my voice and I start saying stuff faster than my brain can think. "That was just a warm up case. Yeah, that's it. I could solve harder mysteries in my pajamas!"

Hoagie wasn't buying it, crossing his arms and looking down all smug. "Really?"

"Yeah, really!"

"Sure you can, buddy," he said, but I knew he didn't mean it. He started cozying on up to me, slinging his arm around my shoulder while he dusted his knuckles against his suspenders. There was this weird vibrating noise going on, but I realized it was just me growling. "Listen, we're all good at something. You're good at, uh, punching things and scaring off every adult jerkwad within a five mile radius. I'm good at witty one-liners and solving the un-solvable. Just how the cookies crumbles, my good ol' pal o'mine."

"There you are!"

Before I could tell Hoagie off, a new voice called out to both of us. It was then a saw her; the source of all my problems bundled up in some pretty red-headed package.

Numbuh Ten looked the same as ever, which says a lot. Girly as it is, I can admit that it ain't no walk in the park to keep up looks like that; heck, I can't be bothered to change my underwear some days. But no matter what she was wearin', Numbuh Ten always seemed to steal the show. She was all dolled up in that prissy blouse of hers, the fabric all straight and nice, catching every poor sap's eye while keeping up that professional thing she's got going on.

She had a face the camera fell head over heels for every time, with just the right amount blush on her cheeks and 'round her eyes. Her bangs were all curly, framing her mug just right, while the rest of her hair was done up in a ponytail. There was the tiny mole on her face, sure, but leave it to Sector L's leader to turn a blemish into some beauty mark.

Yeah, it was her alright, with that smile that could make any guy go goo-goo eyed. I could practically feel Hoagie drooling on my shoulder. Can't say I blame him, but I will anyway. Girls ain't nothin' but trouble.

All in all, with how Numbuh Ten entered the room with that girly flourish of hers, it ain't that hard to see why she's considered the KND's prettiest operative. 'Course that's all just opinion. Kuki's way prettier.

…U-Uh I mean…that is to say…well, crud.

Any of you breathe a word of this to anyone and I'll noogie you so hard-

"I've been looking everywhere for you," Numbuh 10 spoke up, bringing us back to the present moment. Mind must've wandered there for a second. Man, I gotta start paying more-oh wait, she's talking again. "We've only got an hour left before we go live, and I still need to go over some questions with you. And what on Earth are you wearing?"

I stepped to the side. Hoagie wanted to be on TV? Then he could put up with this. He snapped out of his daze then started running that mouth of his. "What're you talking about? My clothes are fine."

"Maybe for some public school photo op, but this is the big time, mister," Numbuh 10 fussed. "And that hat has got to go."

"Huh, hey wait a minute!" Gotta admit, it was funny seeing him whine about how much Numbuh 10 was sprucing him up. She took that fedora hat of his and laid it down in one of the seats, pushing Hoagie towards her waiting army of make-up artists. "I gotta wear the hat. All the cool PIs wear the hat!"

"Trust me, once we're done with you, you'll make Nancy Drew jealous. And please, for the love of Zero, no stupid jokes on the air."

"First the hat, now this? Why ya gotta put my material on the chopping block? Heh, did they not make the director's cut-"

"Just stick with the cue cards," she groaned, handing him off to her crew before straightening out her blouse. We watched as Hoagie was gobbled up in a cloud of cologne and powder while Numbuh Ten just shook her head. "Numbuh 11.0 is bad enough."

"Hey," I spoke up. "How come I don't get to be on the show? I helped on that case too! If it wasn't for me then-"

"Numbuh 4, I've already told you, I run a story about gung-ho operatives every other week. Kids need variety if they're gonna keep watching. We gotta spice things up! Hit 'em right outta left field with a story they'll never see coming!" She looped her arm around me, making all these hand motions like I was supposed to be following along. I was just getting sick of everyone butting into my personal space. "It's all about the element of surprise. You understand that, don't you? You're Sector V's Hand-to-Hand specialist, you of all people should know the benefit of getting the jump on someone. Just imagine that 'someone' being my lovely fans and the 'jump' being a story that's gonna put KNN on the map!"

"Uh, yeah, I guess," She had a point. Probably. What do I know about daytime television? "But it still ain't fair Hoagie gets all the credit!"

"I never said he would," she sighed. "Look, I'll make sure to mention your efforts and even have the camera pan to you in the audience. That's the best I can do."

"Whatever! I still say what I did was way cooler than a bunch of detective work. Anyone can do that!"

"Well, tell you what: when you finally crack a big case of your own, you'll be my main guest on the first episode of my new show. I thinking of calling it, The Perfect Ten. Catchy, isn't it? I amaze myself sometimes, truly I do."

After that, she stopped trying to reason with me. Normally, I'd feel like she wasn't serious and just pulling my leg, but Numbuh Ten had that kind of voice that made you that everything she said was sincere. She always kept her word, too, so I guess I'll take her for face value.

Plus it helped that she smelled nice. It must be some kind of perfume. Reminded me of lilac and gooseberries.

Mmm, gooseberries.

I could totally go for some gooseberry pie, now that I think of it...

Oh! Uh, anyway, it was clear no matter how hard I tried, she wasn't going to let me on the show.

That's when it hit me like a busload of fruitcake. The only way I was gonna get the recognition I deserved was if I sucked it up and did some private eye work myself. It's scary how brilliant my ideas are sometimes. I mean, how hard could it be? You pull out a magnifying glass, ask a few questions, rough up some losers 'til they spill the beans, and bam! One juicy detective story served up with a side of Numbuh Four awesome-sauce.

But now, I had a different problem. I doubt my tale of how I found out which hamsters were nabbing my soda would win me Numbuh Ten's viewer base. I needed something big, something huge! I needed a scandal straight out of the books; a mystery so misty-fying that I would have 'em all eating outta the palm of my hand.

The show started in an hour, and I had no idea where to start. How was I gonna find a case on such short notice?

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me." I shook my head, looking over to Numbuh Ten. She was flipping through the papers on her clipboard, looking more annoyed than Numbuh One after a failed Delightful Cake snatching mission. 'Fore I could bother to ask what was going on, she pouted. "Don't tell me I misplaced my notes again…"

Oh? "Notes? What notes? You mean for school?"

She shook her head. "No, for my show. I write down important bits for the program and keep them on me for reference. Even the best can flub on a line or two."

Wheels in my brain started turning as I scratched my chin. "Ya don't say? Jus' so we're clear, how important are these notes? Like, are they so superbly important that the show can't go on without them?"

"Ha, wouldn't go that far, but it's a major pet peeve of mine to go in blind." She rolled her eyes, throwing the clipboard somewhere behind the curtain. "Whatever, television waits for no one; even someone as marvelous as me. I'll just whip up some flash cards real quick, but what I wouldn't give if those notes just magically re-appeared."

"Really now?" That was it, my big chance. It's like when you're assigned ultra-hard math homework but the teacher accidentally gives you the questions with all the answers in the back of the book. If life decides to give you a break, ya might as well go for it. "Don't know about any magic, but I bet I can-"

"Hey, Numbuh 10, ma'am?"

Okay, this interrupting me stuff is getting old! I snarled up at the nerd who cut into my big, epic acceptance speech of my first case, but he ignored me and went straight for his boss.

Rude!

"Numbuh 60 has just arrived from the Arctic Base."

Oh. Scratch that. This just got way more interesting.

"Patton!" Numbuh Ten snapped. It was no secret that she and Patton, uh, didn't exactly get along too well. She pushed me and her teammate out of the way as she stomped angrily towards the main lobby. "I can't believe that…that…doo-doo head would show up in my treehouse without calling first. The nerve! When I see his stupid mug I swear I'm gonna…"

Me and the kid shared a look, shrugged, and decided it was none of our business. Let them hash it out, I had more important things to do. I loosened my muscles, shaking out all the kinks, and turned to Hoagie's chair, eyeing the fedora he was forced to leave behind.

I figure if you're gonna play the part, you might as well look it too.

"Alright," I said as a slipped on the hat, "Time for Super Duper Sleuth Numbuh Four to take on his fist ever major case: finding Numbuh Ten's stage notes!"

-/-/-/-/-/-

Transmission will resume after a word form our Sponsors!

The rest will be up within the next day or so. It's long, should split it up, and I need to work out rust.

And now, to vanish~ (temporarily)