So this idea came to me after chatting with linsteadandchicagopdarelife on tumblr of course :) and by the way if you haven't read her one-shot The Uniform, you need to because it's really good! I do use a few lines from her story as a flashback which will be in italics. This will be a three-shot more than likely. We've been craving some Halstead backstory/emotional Jay so I hope I did our conversation justice :) *Side note…. You might want a box of Kleenex handy before reading…. Also when Jay's talking and there's a series of periods (like this …..) it's him pausing before continuing. It gets emotional for him so he's either pausing for a breath or because he's really upset... ok you've been warned so on to the story ;) *

Jay was sitting in the old tech room with his feet propped in the chair. They'd settled on coming here because it could just be the two of them. He was sipping on a beer not moving to keep from adding wrinkles to his uniform; Mouse was doing the same, both lost in their memories.

"You remember that time Jones got trapped on the side of the mountain and we thought we were all going to die trying to save him?" Mouse asked with a half chuckle. Only he and Jay knew the real reason Ty had been down the mountain that day.

"Yea…. I thought I would kill him after we saved his ass," Jay said with a half-smile. He was their Staff Sargent and it was his job to keep his men safe. It always haunted him when he couldn't, but that day they'd been lucky.

"Or the time he thought we needed to dress as jihadist to save Hollingsworth?" Jay couldn't help but chuckle a little at the memory.

"He meant well, but he had some dumb ideas," Jay sighed.

"Jay?"

"Hmmm?" he said quietly not taking his eyes off his feet.

"Have you told her? Or him?" He knew Jay would know he meant Erin and Will. Jay shook his head no. "You need to you know? You don't have to do this alone, and you don't have just me anymore. They both would and want to be there for you." Mouse knew this was true because both had texted him off and on all day checking in on Jay.

"Yea… yea… I know. It's just…. It's not easy to talk about…. And they shouldn't have to live through those horrors too…."

Mouse walked over and laid his hand on Jay's shoulder. "I know buddy… I know it's not easy, but what's going to happen if you don't talk about it? They both want to be there for you and you should let them. You need someone to talk to Jay, and you know I will listen, anytime, but let them be there too." Jay was quiet. "We're both in the best place we've been since our first tour; you don't want to go back any more than I do. You've got to talk and you know it."

Jay nodded. He knew Mouse was right, but it wasn't easy letting others in on the horrors they'd seen and lived through.

"You are so much better," Jay said finally meeting his best friend's eyes. He was thinking back to the cemetery and his surprise when he saw Mouse there. Their words were still echoing in his head.

"Mouse?"

"Jay?" Mouse said back in a questioning tone.

"What are you doing-"Jay stopped himself short, correcting himself. "You never attend these things," he said in a low voice.

"I know, but things change. He was my friend too," Mouse told him placing a hand on Jay's shoulder as they edged forward.

"Yea well that's thanks to you."

"I didn't do anything," Jay said confused.

"Yea man you did. You got me straight, got me this job. You knew I needed the stability and routine. You brought me back Jay."

"Yea well…. That's what you did for me. That's what best friends are for right?" Jay said with a shrug still not good at accepting compliments when he thought he was just doing his job.

Mouse patted his shoulder. "Yea exactly. And this best friend is telling you to get your ass home and relax. I know you're beat." Mouse was the only one who knew what the dreams, the memories, and the funerals really did to him.

Jay nodded. "You'll call if you need me? You sure you don't want to crash in the guest room? Erin wouldn't mind."

"Jay go. I'll be fine. Promise."

Jay drained the rest of his bottle. It was the only one he'd had all night not wanting to tempt himself into old habits. "Ok, ok," he finally smiled. "Just promise you'll call?"

"I promise," Mouse said as Jay gave him a tight hug before turning to go. Mouse just hoped he'd talk to Erin or Will tonight and not hold it in. He didn't want to see Jay suffer again because he wasn't sure any of them would survive watching one of the strongest members of their team/family break. And Mouse knew if Jay held it in, he would break.

/

Erin had been pacing his apartment since Mouse text telling her he was headed home. She knew he'd gone to a funeral today for one of the men from his unit, but that was it. All she knew was that things were awful overseas, and that if it wasn't for Mouse, she'd never had met this most wonderful man. He never shared specific memories even though she really wanted him too. She never pushed though. She knew it was hard on him to talk about, and she understood. She might be the only other one who really understood. It hadn't been easy on her sharing about her past, but in time she had opened up to him and laid it all out there. He stayed and he still loved her; she knew she'd do the same for him when he was ready because she loved him as much as he loved her and he was it for her.

She was mid-pace when the door to the apartment opened; she paused and looked up at him. Seeing him in his uniform, tie hanging around his neck, (the tie she had to tie for him earlier because his hands had been shaking too much) and she couldn't help but want him. But he looked worn down, beat down, and exhausted.

He quietly closed the door and tried to smile at her. He opened his arms and she ran into them. She'd been worried he might not come home and she'd have to go looking for him. But he was here now and she'd do anything for him, anything to get him through this.

"How about we get you out of this, even though you look super-hot in it, take a shower and then relax?" she asked quietly. He nodded as she grabbed his hand leading him to the bathroom. He let her take his uniform off, totally exhausted at this point. Even though she would normally leave piles of clothes in the floor wherever she stripped, she carefully took his uniform and laid it on his bed to hang up later.

She came back and gently pushed him into the shower hoping the warm water would relax him. She followed, wrapping her arms around him. She laid her head against his chest listening to his heart beat. Neither said anything; she just stood their holding him. She finally started washing him off before the water turned cold. He even bent down and let her wash his hair.

The feel of her fingers on him combined with the warm water slowly relaxed him. Once she'd washed every inch of him, she turned the water off, wrapped a towel around him and then herself. She dried him off and then led him to the bedroom. He threw on a pair of sweats while she slipped his Academy shirt over her head. She usually slept in his Ranger shirt, but tonight she didn't want to push it.

She took his uniform and carefully hung it back up on the hanger. She placed it in the back of the closet where he kept it, knowing he did that so he wouldn't have to see it. She came back and crawled in bed with him. He'd propped up on the headboard; she climbed in his lap facing him and he wrapped his arms around her.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, running her fingers through his curly hair at the base of his neck. "Whatever you need, I'll do it. If you need to talk, I'll listen. If you need a hug, I'll give it. If you need to cry, I'll hold you. I'll be here all night Jay. Whatever you need," she whispered as he rested his forehead against hers. He let out a soft sigh and was so quiet for so long that she thought he'd gone to sleep.

She felt something wet touch her arm and she opened her eyes to see tears falling down his cheeks. She moved her arms from his neck to his back holding him tight. She was fighting her own tears, but knew she had to stay strong for him.

"I'm here baby, I'm here," she whispered over and over.

"The dreams…." He started but stopped. Erin didn't push; she knew he was trying to open up and he would when he was ready. She rubbed her hands up and down his back trying to comfort him.

"If you're staying…. You need to know," he whispered not looking at her, but focusing his eyes down at an invisible spot between them.

"Know what?" she asked quietly still rubbing his back with one hand, but moving the other back to his hair. She knew that rubbing his head helped relax him most. She'd found that out after Keyes and only because Will told her. He'd shared that information outside Jay's hospital room saying something along the lines of that's what he had to do when they were kids.

He took a deep breath.

"After our second tour…. Mouse and I were a mess. He managed….. To pull it together before me and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here. We…. We were in a convoy. Mouse and I were in the lead Humvee with Spencer because as Staff Sargent, you always lead." He took a deep breath before continuing. Erin kept her fingers softly running through his curls.

"We… we hit an IED. The Humvee was blown apart…" Tears were pouring down his cheeks as he relived that day. "The others behind us… were ambushed. Mouse….. He…. I was trapped. I was pinned under part of the Humvee. It…. It… was taking fire from the ambush, and I just knew I was going to die…"

Erin was barely keeping it together, but she knew she had to for him.

"I was laying there thinking about everything I'd never get to do…. How I wouldn't get to fix things with Will….. And….. And…. I saw my mama…"

He broke on sobs then, and Erin held him tight as a few tears slipped down her cheeks. She knew he'd always been his mama's baby and that he'd been the one to take care of her just from the little things he let slip. She didn't know the full story, but she figured one day she would.

"She… she got sick between my first and second tour. I came home… but it wasn't enough…..so I went back the day after her funeral." He was slowly calming as Erin held him tight, but he was still crying.

"When…. When… I saw her… I knew that was it… but she told me to hang on." He finally looked at her with tear-filled bloodshot eyes from all the crying, and she felt herself crumbling on the inside even if she wasn't letting him see it.

"I didn't want to…. I wanted to go with her….. I miss her so much…. So so much… and I wanted to end the hell I was in… I wanted my mama…." He sobbed.

The strongest man she knew was completely broken and laying everything out for her. She felt so honored that he trusted her this much, knowing he'd felt the same when she'd shared her past. She held him tight, rubbing his back and head. "It's ok Jay… it's ok. I'm here. I got you," she whispered over and over.

He sobbed, body wracking sobs as she held him, finally letting it all out. He slowly started calming down under her hands and her soft kisses to his cheeks.

"Mouse…. He managed to pull me out. He had a gunshot wound to the shoulder and a gash in his side, but he still managed to save me. I… I had a concussion, a broken arm, a couple of bruised ribs and a piece of glass here," he said pointing to a place on his shoulder where a bullet proof vest wouldn't cover.

"Ty… he was the only other one to survive. He… he managed to patch Mouse up enough to stop the bleeding. Between the two of them… they got all three of us to safety. We… we laid in a desert ditch for two hours waiting on Mouse to fix the radio so he could call for an extraction team. I'd long since passed out so I only know this because Mouse told me. Another hour passed and finally the extraction team arrived. They flew all three of us straight to Germany."

He'd finally calmed down; the most emotional part of this memory over.

"They had to trach me hence this scar," he said pointing at the scar on the base of his neck. She always wondered what had happened and now she knew. She softly kissed it and the one on his shoulder.

"I woke up two days after the explosion. Ty had been unharmed for the most part. A few stitches in his arm and he was good. They sent him back. Mouse had to have surgery on his shoulder and twenty stitches in his side. They had to give him two blood transfusions from blood loss. Me…" he took a deep breath laying his head on her shoulder wearing down.

"They set my arm and it was in a cast. They wrapped my ribs and removed the glass from my shoulder, but not before I almost died, hence the trach. The Army decided Mouse and I had had enough and gave us both medical discharges. We came home a week later."

Jay sighed. He hated talking about this part because it always made him feel weak.

"I couldn't handle it though… the dreams…. They were awful. Will… he wasn't around…. He was in New York. I had no one but Mouse. I'd…. I'd drink to push the pain away…. Pushed Mouse away and would ignore Will's calls…. I blamed him for mom…. For not being here…" a few more tears slipped down his cheeks.

Erin finally understood why he chased after her when she went down her dark hole after Nadia died. "It's ok Jay… it's ok," she whispered.

"Mouse… he'd drag me home at night, always pinging my phone to find me even if I tried turning it off. He'd call Will after I'd pass out and let him know I was home. He'd chew him out too for not being there. He'd sleep on the couch to make sure I never tried anything stupid, and the next morning I'd always be an ass and he'd leave. Finally, after four months he'd had enough. One morning he slapped a CPD application in front of me before I could even have coffee. He told me I could apply or he was done. I knew if he was done, I'd end up dead in some bar and my mama….. I couldn't disappoint her like that."

He paused and Erin kissed his cheek letting him know she was still there, still staying.

"So… I sobered up and applied. Of course I was accepted. Once I was on patrol, it wasn't long before they were having me take the detectives exam. The military background helped, and once I passed, they bumped me straight to gangs. They put me undercover more and more, and I was so busy with work, I hardly noticed Mouse's visits becoming less and less. It wasn't until I stopped seeing him that I realized something was wrong. I tried to help him, made him my CI, but the drugs had a more powerful hold. He suppressed his demons to help me, and I never saw it until it was too late."

Jay sighed. He still felt bad for letting Mouse down all those years ago, but he had to focus on the fact that Mouse was better and was here.

"I kept tabs on him though and when we had the tech position open, I knew that was my ticket to get my best friend and brother back. From there you know the rest."

He was exhausted, physically and mentally. Erin got him to lay down, and then pulled him into her arms. She knew there were still things he hadn't shared, but he shared the most painful memory of all with her tonight and she couldn't help but love him more.

"You're a good friend Jay, the best, and I love you so much."

Jay softly kissed her as she wiped the remaining tears from his eyes. "I love you too Er. The dreams…. They can be so bad sometimes…" She kissed him before he could continue.

"I'm staying. I'll hold you through them, whatever you need. But I am staying." Jay barely nodded as his eyes closed. His body was finally giving in to the exhaustion he felt. Erin kissed his cheek as he drifted to sleep.

She watched him sleeping. She knew he'd been through so much, and she knew he only shared a small portion of it, but she'd be there when he was ready to share more. She loved him more than anything and nothing he could tell her would make her love him less. She'd do whatever it took to get him through this because he'd always been there for her.

"Sleep my love. I'll be here," she whispered.

She sent Mouse a text so he wouldn't worry. "He's finally asleep. He shared about the convoy and the highlights of coming home. Warned me about the dreams too. I'll take care of him I promise but if you need something please call."

It wasn't long and she got a reply back. "Thanks Erin. I'm ok. His dreams can be bad, and he doesn't know what he's doing half the time. If it gets too bad call me."

"I will. Thanks Mouse." She laid her phone on the bedside table and wrapped her arms around him. She prayed he'd get some good sleep tonight, but even if he didn't she'd be there. She softly kissed him as she felt herself drifting to sleep.

Well…. I think I've had about all the emotional Jay I can handle for the moment so even though I have a couple more ideas, I'm going to end this here. No worries, I will be posting the others just as soon as I get them written. My ideas: Jay having a dream and Erin being there; Jay breaking down to Will and letting Will be there this time; Jay and Will both sharing about their mom (You can thank Med last night for that idea. I already knew that when Jay cried, I cried, but I found out last night that when Will cries, I cry then too lol) anyways I hope you liked and will let me know you're thoughts :)