He ran.
Not because he enjoyed it. Not because he was good at it. Not even because his life depended on it.
He did it because he had to get to her.
His body briefly collided with someone standing in the hallway. He didn't know who it was, barely registering the contact as he focused on getting out, getting away from here and making it back to the hotel before something bad happened. Check that, something bad had already happened….but something worse was on the horizon.
"Tyler! Wait...don't…."
He ignored the familiar voice of his friend as he sprinted down a seemingly endless flight of stairs. He had to get to her. To protect her, to pick up whatever pieces were left when everything hit the fan. Which would be happening at any minute now, and he wasn't moving nearly fast enough. In a blur, he found himself outside the theater, breathing heavily, and pausing long enough to glance up and down the deserted street. A cab...he needed a cab. But, it was after midnight on a Wednesday in this sleepy little town, so that wasn't happening. Uber...no. That would take too long.
A door burst open behind him.
"Tyler...God man, would you just wait a minute."
He glanced around and saw Josh leaning over, clutching his knees like he had just ran a sprint in the olympics.
"Gimme your keys." Tyler said
"Listen to me..." Josh started but was cut off quickly
"Your car. I need it." Tyler turned and faced his friend, the anxiety clearly written all over his face. He reached out his hand for the requested keys.
Josh stood up and leaned his head back, closing his eyes and sighing.
"You need to stay out of this, man. It's between them."
"No," Tyler replied, and the conviction in his voice was clear. "It's not. Not anymore."
Josh shook his head, knowing he wasn't going to be able to talk Tyler out of anything tonight.
"I didn't drive here tonight. I caught a ride with Mike…."
Before Josh could finish the sentence, Tyler was sprinting down the street in the general direction of the hotel.
A slightly incredulous laugh burst out of Josh as he watched his best friend running like he was being chased by the devil.
"Go get her, man."
She made her way down the hall to room 1439. She hoped Jared would be there already, so she wouldn't have to wait. Her stomach was already in knots. This needed to happen now. Before she lost her nerve.
Taking a deep breath, she smoothed her hands down the front of her skirt as she stopped in front of the door. Okay...this was big. But, it was time. And she was ready.
She pulled the keycard out of her pocket, and inserted it into the reader. She pushed the door open slowly, but stopped short in the doorway.
The suite was dimly lit, but she could see something flickering in the distance. Candles? She heard the lilting sounds of John Legand's voice...Jared's favorite. And underneath it all….there was something else. Even though it felt like she was walking into the middle of a bad dream, she felt herself moving forward.
"Oh, yeah." a deep voice moaned, "tell me how much you like that."
Almost as if she were having an out of body experience and was watching things unfold like an outside observer, she witnessed everything in brief flashes.
Her boyfriend. And a very blonde, very naked woman straddling him on a bed.
Jared noticed her first. His pale blue eyes locked on hers, and her brain was functional enough to recognize the look. Annoyance.
It wasn't a look of guilt. Or shame.
He was pissed that she had interrupted them.
The blonde paused to look over her shoulder and when she saw Holly standing there frozen to the spot, she tossed her perfectly styled hair and laughed. She glanced back at Jared, who rubbed her back and shifted out from under her.
The movement seemed to shake Holly from her daze, and she spun around heading….away. She had to get away. She felt like her whole body was burning up. In anger, in betrayal, in...embarrassment, She was mortified. All her old insecurities that she had worked so hard in battling over the years...all of them came flooding back in an instant. She stumbled towards the door, praying she would stay on her feet.
"Well, that was unfortunate." he sighed.
Holly froze with her hand on the doorknob. She glanced over her shoulder and saw Jared, now wearing a pair of loose fitting jeans, leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his bare chest.
"Unfortunate? That's what that was?" Holly said, her voice cracking.
"I admit, this isn't ideal." Jared said, flashing her his most charming smile.
What the hell was going on? This can't be her real life.
"That's it? That's what you say to me when I...I find you having sex with some random blonde..."
"Amy." He said, heading in her direction….still looking far too calm. Far too unaffected. "Her name is Amy. I think."
Holly pulled on the door a few times before it finally opened and she nearly fell out into the hall. She felt a hand grab her arm, and she yanked it free, as if he burned her.
"Stop." She said, feeling the sobs bubbling to the surface. She had to get away… "Don't...don't touch me."
"Holly, stop being dramatic…"
She pressed herself against the wall, closing her eyes, and wanting to be anywhere else.
"Babe, let's take it easy..." Jared leaned in close, and she could feel him...his body heat enveloping her, as she wished herself to become invisible.
"Hey! Get away from her!"
She heard the voice as if from a great distance, but before she knew what was happening, the presence that had been suffocating her, was gone.
She opened her eyes and saw Jared shoved up against the hotel room door, Tyler's hand firmly planted in the middle of his chest.
"You don't wanna go there, bro." Jared said, smirking.
Tyler, who was the smaller of the two men, never looked so intimidating. He leaned in and whispered, "Try and touch her again, and let's see where I go….bro."
Holly shook her head, trying to clear her fuzzy mind.
"Tyler…?"
His head snapped around, and she was his sole focus in an instant.
"I'm here,"
She watched as he turned from Jared and made his way to her. Moving slowly, as if approaching an injured animal.
That analogy wasn't so far from the truth.
He knelt before her, his hand tentatively reaching out to touch her tear stained face. She leaned into his hand, the tears coming harder now.
"She and I need to talk...this has nothing to do with you." Jared said.
The muscles in Tyler's jaw clenched as he bit out the words, "She's not doing anything with you. This is done. And you need to back off."
Holly reached out and took the hand not cradling her face. Feeling the tension coming off his body. He glanced at her. She was falling apart, but she was instinctively still trying to help him...trying to ease him. He felt his heart squeeze in his chest.
"Tyler...I can't..."
"I know," he answered immediately, and turned her into the protection of his body as he began to lead her down the hall.
She had known Tyler since the first grade. They were both ridiculously awkward children, and while Holly was painfully shy, Tyler was a bit more outgoing, playing various sports all through high school. His love of music was all consuming, to the point of giving up on a full basketball scholarship in favor of trying to pursue he real dream of being a full time musician. Thankfully he had a very understanding family. He had stuck with his dream even when it seemed like his goal wasn't getting any closer. Through band members quiting, playing in front of only 3 people, being booed off the stage...he had gone through it all. But finally….finally things were looking up. He and Josh had settled on being a duo, and were slowly beginning to build an underground, but rabid following. They were touring further and further outside their home state of Ohio, and Holly had no doubt that Tyler's musical brilliance would someday reach the masses.
Through all the ups and downs of the last 16 years, their friendship had been a constant. She went to as many shows as she possibly could, even traveling with them when she had time off from work. The road can be hard place on a person like Tyler. Hyper aware, emotional and suffering from bouts of anxiety, self doubt and depression, the two friends relied on each other to get them through the worst times. Holly had similar struggles, so they knew what the other needed. If Tyler was in one of his black moods, she knew to give him space and let him work through things on his own. If Holly was overthinking things at work and having long periods of insomnia, Tyler knew to 'spontaneously' show up on her doorstep, Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream in hand, and prepared for an all night binge of bad tv.
They truly were one soul divided.
Her feelings for Tyler had always been...complicated. He was her best friend. The one person she could always depend on. Who could finish her sentences, who never failed to make her laugh when she needed it. Listen to her when she needed a shoulder to cry on, and to give her time alone when she needed it. But he also knew when she needed to have someone there with her. When her insecurities and anxiety were all consuming...Tyler was the one to hold her when she cried, when she raged against the demons she had been struggling with all her life. He understood. Because he had his own demons to contend with. And she did her best to help him when he drifted down into the darker parts of his mind.
There were times….quiet, inexplicable moments, when she felt like there was more. A deeper connection between the two of them, that even she could not truly understand. They would be sitting on the floor of his apartment, laughing at one of his ridiculously dumb jokes, she would look over at him. Seeing that smile that could light up her entire world in an instant, look into those brown eyes that made her insides flutter like some cliched romance novel character, and she would feel it. The pull. The need to be even closer to him. She found herself almost willing herself the ability to be able to crawl inside his skin. To have him envelope her completely. Only then would she feel completely safe.
She would find herself staring at his mouth. Those lips that could distract anyone with a pulse. it really wasn't her fault for having a moment or two of weakness.
But almost immediately following those moments of weakness, she would feel embarrassed and try to not think about it anymore. She detested change. And the last thing she wanted was for things to become awkward between them. All because she sometimes daydreamed about being a girl that Tyler Joseph could possibly want to have as more than just a best friend.
Being so wrapped up and focused on his music, Tyler didn't have much of a social life outside of hanging out with Holly, Josh and his close circle of friends. He had dated...but there had never been anyone serious, as far as Holly could tell. And she thought she'd know. She could selfishly admit to herself that she was somewhat happy about that. She tried not to dwell so much on that, though.
As far as her own personal life went, she had also dated….and there had also been nothing even remotely serious about any of them.
Until recently.
Until Jared.
Jared had been a friend of a co worker, and to say his attention had been unexpected was an understatement. Men like Jared just simply didn't notice girls like Holly. In her estimation, she was everything that defined the world average. Green eyes, auburn hair, 5'6, with curves instead of the straight lines she had wanted as a teenager. Insecurities had plagued her her entire life, and deep down she knew if she had looked like a supermodel, she still would have doubted her appearance. It was just in her DNA. But, over the years, she had made progress in learning to accept, and even like herself the way she was. But, suddenly gaining the attention of a charming guy with blue eyes to die for was enough to sweep Holly off her feet. She let herself become wrapped up in the compliments, and the attention. Even though in the back of her mind she kept hearing her mother's voice….telling her that if something seems to be too good to be true, than it probably was, Holly allowed herself to get caught up in all the attention, the compliments.
It wasn't long before the compliments turned into subtle insults. "Babe, you'd look so good in a shorter skirt if you just went on that diet I told you about." "You don't need to come to the party with me tonight. It'll be mostly my college friends, and since you dropped out, what would you guys talk about?"
The comments started to wear her down. Making her insecurities come bubbling to the surface. For a while she believed that if she lost Jared, no one else would ever want her. So, it was better to have someone who had moments of being sweet, than to be alone.
She thought the fact that Jared would be visiting some of his college friends in the same town that Tyler's band would be playing a show was a sign. She could go to the show, hang out with Tyler, and then maybe have a romantic evening with Jared at a fancy hotel (or what passed for fancy in this small town). She had been so excited, had spent extra time getting ready for her night out. She'd have an early dinner with Jared before heading to the theater to watch Tyler and Josh rehearse for their concert the following night, while Jared went and hung out with his friends. Then she'd head back to the hotel afterwards. Jared had been….persistent, in his efforts to get Holly to take things further in their relationship. He didn't understand why she was so hesitant to spend the night with him. Patience was never his strong suit. They hadn't been dating for very long, and for Holly, sex involved trust. And maybe it was the little voice inside her head telling her that Jared wasn't the prince charming he initially appeared to be, but she had held herself back.
But, she had decided that tonight….she might decide to ignore that voice for a little while.
She met Jared at the little restaurant across from their hotel (she wondered if it was the only hotel in town, seeing as Tyler, Josh and the rest of their small touring crew were staying there as well), walking quickly since she was running a few minutes behind. And Jared hated being kept waiting.
He glanced up at her, a slightly annoyed look on his face.
"I think I'll get you a watch for your birthday," he grumbled as she sat down across from him, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.
"Sorry," she said quietly. "Lost track of time." She had barely picked up her menu before a solemn looking waiter arrived at their table.
"Good evening, my name is Ryan. I'll be your server tonight. Are you guys ready to order, or do you need more time?" he asked, looking at her.
Before Holly could reply, Jared jumped in, "We're ready." he rattled off his order of mushroom rosotto and a leek salad. The waiter then turned towards her.
"I'll have the fettuccini Alfredo, and an iced tea please." she smiled, handing him her menu.
"She'll have the leek salad and a glass of water." Jared said.
She immediately felt herself turning bright red, as the waiter glanced between her and Jared. He made a hasty retreat, and Holly wanted to slide under the table, mortified.
"What..." she muttered.
"I don't understand why you can't just be on time, Holly. It's not like I don't have other places I can be right now." He said, folding his hands on the table in front of him.
"I...I told you, I lost track of time. I wanted to look nice.." she fumbled over her words, unable to meet his accusing eyes. She heard the voice in her mind, the one that told her she would never be good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, begin to laugh at her. The laugh sounding very much like Jared's. She closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to silence it.
"Well, at least you made an effort. And trust me," he snorted and she glanced up at him. His eyes dipped down, taking her in, "you don't need the pasta."
Holly inhaled sharply and she felt something tiny inside her mind give way. Like a small door that had been locked away, begin to open. She felt the demons crawling to the surface.
Shaking slightly, she got to her feet.
"I...don't feel very well. I'm going...i...i need to go." she said.
"Stop acting like a child, babe." he called after her. "lighten up."
She made her way outside, pausing to take in deep lungfuls of the cool evening air. She felt hot tears sliding down her face, and people around her were beginning to stare. Turning away, and with no destination in mind, Holly began to walk.
Tyler heard approaching footsteps, and looked over to the side of the small stage where he and Josh were rehearsing for the show the following night. Seeing it was only one of the guys from the crew, he turned back to the piano, his fingers lightly tapping out a random series of chords.
"Would you just call her already?"
Tyler eyed Josh over at his drum kit a few feet away. Josh was twirling one of his drumsticks through his fingers and had a patient, knowing look on his face.
Tyler remained silent. He always felt foolish when someone, usually Josh, caught him acting like an overeager puppy. He needed to stop being so transparent, at least where Josh was concerned. He was starting to look pathetic.
Josh chuckled and Tyler could hear the smile in his friend's voice.
"Dude, you're not going to be able to focus until you talk to her, so just do it already. We need to practice so we don't suck tomorrow."
"We're not going to suck," Tyler responded automatically, feeling slightly defensive. He was always so aware of his insecurities, always questioning his decision to pursue music full time, especially when they were playing to a handful of people who had their backs turned towards the bar instead of them. But things had been starting to pick up, and they were slowly building a loyal following. He was beginning to believe that onstage, he and Josh were close to invincible.
"Dinner's probably running late," Tyler muttered mostly to himself. He hated thinking about Holly with Jared. From the moment he might him, he knew something was off about him. He had this air of fake charm that seemed to work with almost everyone he encountered. But it had never worked on Tyler. He didn't know what Holly saw in him. Other than his good looks, hefty bank account and confidence. Yeah, what could she possibly find attractive about that guy?
"Is Jerkface coming tonight, too?" Josh asked, swiveling back and forth on his stool behind the drums.
Tyler smiled and ran his hand through his messy hair, pulling the ends, messing it up even more. Obviously he wasn't the only one not buying into Jared's charm.
"Holly said he's hanging out with friends tonight."
"Good. I can only take so much smarminess at a time."
Laughing, Tyler looked at his friend, "Smarminess? Wow. Impressive."
"What? I'm not just a pretty face over here, ya know. I read." Josh threw out, hitting his drums a few times for emphasis.
Tyler appreciated the distraction, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. Holly should have shown up by now, and it wasn't like her to blow him off.
He knew he was over protective of her. He couldn't help it. It had been Holly and Tyler against the world for so long that it was weird to think of anyone else entering into their safe little bubble. More like sticking a pin in the bubble and pulling Holly into a different world. One that didn't really include Tyler.
If he was being honest with himself, it wasn't just the idea of her with someone like Jared that bothered Tyler. It was the idea of her being with anyone other than himself.
Well, at least he could admit that to himself, if no one else.
Tyler had two things in his life that he couldn't live without...his music, and Holly. Yes, he loved his family and his small circle of close friends. But music was his outlet, his purpose….a way to channel all the dark and scary thoughts into something real, something manageable. And Holly? She was worth slaying all the dragons in my mind for.
There were so many times when he had almost said it...almost let his heart override his brain, and told her how much she meant to him. That to him, she wasn't just his goofy best friend. She was the sunshine that made surviving the nights possible. She was everything he had ever wanted and he felt like a fool for never telling her that. For never telling her that if she ever saw herself through his eyes, her insecurities would fall away like snow from the tree branches.
And now it was too late. Now she had Jared.
He was so wrapped up in his thoughts, he didn't hear Josh walk from behind his drum kit and approach the piano.
"Call her. Make sure she's okay." Josh said, patting Tyler on the shoulder and walking away, probably in search of food.
Tyler pulled his phone out of his pocket.
Holly had no idea how long she had been walking. She found herself in a small park in what must be the center of the small town. All the businesses were closed, and the streets were silent, making it almost felt like she was walking inside a dream. She sat down on a bench beneath an enormous oak tree and took a deep breath.
She….had been such a fool.
How could she have ever thought Jared was anything other than what he was, emotionally abusive and fake.
The walk had cleared her head enough to make some things crystal clear. She couldn't be with him anymore. She might struggle with demons on a daily basis, but she couldn't….wouldn't allow herself to stay with someone who got such obvious pleasure in humiliating her. He had slowly, methodically broken her down emotionally and she couldn't put herself through it anymore. Being alone was better than feeling like this.
She felt her phone buzzing in the pocket of her skirt. Praying it wasn't Jared, she looked at the caller id on the screen.
Tyler.
Taking a deep breath, she answered. "Hey,"
"Hey. Where are you? I thought you were coming to rehearsal." The concern was evident in Tyler's raspy tone.
"Yeah. Things kind of….got screwed up. I'm sorry."
"What's wrong? Holly, where are you?"
"I...i went for a walk. I needed to clear my head. But, i'm going to head back to the hotel now."
"Wait, let me come get you. I'll barrow a car..."
"No, Tyler. It's okay. I'm okay. I just...i need to do something. Jared and I..." she trailed off. Not sure what to say.
"Holly..." Tyler's voice was raising in pitch the more concerned he became. "Did….did something happen? Did he do something…?"
"No, no….Tyler. He didn't do anything. Not really. I just need to...i need to go back to the hotel. i'm sorry I missed rehearsal. We'll talk about it tomorrow, I promise. Okay?"
"Holly, what's going on..."
"I'll be okay. I promise. I'll call you in the morning." she hung up before he could tell she was crying. She wanted nothing more than to be with Tyler right now, but she needed to do this. She needed to tell Jared face to face that things were over.
Tyler held the phone to his ear, knowing she had already hung up. He felt like a lead balloon was in his stomach. He knew she was upset and he knew it had something to do with Jared. He felt like punching something.
"Ty man, did you get a hold of Holly?"
Tyler turned towards Josh, finally lowering the phone from his ear, but still staring at it, like it would offer up some kind of answers.
"Yeah, something's going on...she didn't want to talk..." Tyler glanced at his friend, and noticed his grim expression.
"What?" Tyler said, his heart rate increasing.
Josh put his hands on his hips, and looked down at his feet. "I don't even know if I should be telling you this, man."
"Josh, for God's sake, just spit it out."
"Danny just came back from the bar across the street. Said he saw Jerkface over there. That he was all over this blonde, that...they left together..."
Tyler didn't need to hear anything else.
Holly was on her way back to the hotel. Holly was going to find Jared hooking up with some random chick. It would destroy her.
He ran.
He made sure to turn all the lights on as they made their way across his much smaller hotel room. Darkness would not be good right now.
He settled her down on the couch and paused to run his hand through his already messy hair.
She looked so dazed and fragile. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to make it better.
He made his way to the mini fridge, and grabbed a bottle of water.
"How did you know?" she said quietly. "How did you know to come looking for me?"
Tyler opened the bottle of water and handed it to her. She accepted it, but held it loosely, hands hanging between her knees. Her eyes focused on the wall in front of her.
He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
"Danny saw him...with her. At the bar across the street from the theater. Saw them leave together. Figured they were coming back to the hotel. And I knew...i knew you..."
"You'd knew i'd find them."
He didn't have to respond.
Holly took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She slowly lowered herself to the floor and leaned her back against the couch. She wrapped her arms around her knees and glanced over at her best friend.
He had his hands shoved into his pockets as he stood in the middle of the room, looking at her worriedly.
"Thank you," she said softly.
He scratched the back of his neck, "For what?"
"For saving me. You've always save me, Tyler." she smiled sadly at him. "ever since we were kids. You've saved me in a thousand different ways."
She noticed the color rising in his face, and he opened his mouth as if to respond, but looked down at his feet instead. He looked like such a little boy in that moment. She wanted to reach out and pull him close, to breathe in his unique scent that always reminded her of sunshine. That always made her feel safe.
It was as if the incident with Jared had flipped a switch inside of her. Making her let the bad things in her life fall away, and to focus instead on the good. And Tyler was everything good in her life.
He walked over, and slowly lowered himself down next to her in front of the couch. He bent his knees, and laid his arms across them, breathing heavily.
"i'm sorry." he said simply.
Holly looked into his brown eyes. "It's not your fault. I picked him," she said self depreciatingly.
Looking away she continued, "I just feel like such a fool. I was so wrapped up in the crap he was telling me, I didn't trust my instincts. I knew….I knew he was full of it. I guess I just wanted to make believe that a guy could look at me like all those guys in romance novels look at the heroines. I wanted that to be real. I wanted someone to think I was special."
She smiled sadly, and then noticed the look on Tyler's face. He looked like he'd been punched in the stomach. He ran his hand through his hair again, and shook his head. He looked like he was having some kind of inner struggle, and Holly was about to attempt to make a dumb joke to try and lighten his mood.
"This whole time," he began, seeming to falter over the words he was trying to speak, "….since we were 6 years old….you have never been anything less than extraordinary in my eyes. You have been lighting up my darkness since the day we met."
"Tyler..." she stuttered, her heart pounding in her ears
"It's on me for not stepping up and fighting for you when Jared showed up. Before that...before Jared could even breathe the same air as you, I should have stood up and told you how I felt. But, I never wanted you to look at me differently. I never wanted you to...to feel sorry for me, if you didn't..."
"Tyler, stop..."
He turned to face her completely, and his face...his eyes, were full of intensity. Once he began talking he wasn't going to stop until he got it all out.
"I know some days i'm a headcase, and I probably shouldn't be saying any of this tonight, but….but Holly. You have always," he looked down and shook his head before raising his eyes to hers once more, "you have always been special to me." He reached out and put his hand against the side of her face. "You keep me alive. You make me hope that one day...i might deserve you." he leaned his forehead against hers.
"I'm in love with you." Holly breathed, almost without realizing it.
Tyler's body tensed, and he was quiet for a moment, his hands held on to her face more firmly, as if expecting her to try and run away from him.
"Say that again," he whispered, his breath falling across her lips felt like fluttering wings.
"I'm in love with you, Tyler."
His eyes fell closed as he let out a long breath, and she felt him tremble slightly.
"Again," he breathed.
She smiled through the tears now falling down her face.
"I….am...in love with you. I was going to the hotel tonight to tell Jared it was over. Seeing him like that, it hurt. It hurt like hell, and for a little while it let the bad parts of my brain take over and make me feel like I was worthless. But then..you brought me back. You saved me and I remembered why I had gone there in the first place. Because I knew I deserved better than Jared. That I deserved you. If you would give me a chance..."
His lips were on hers before she had even stopped to take a breath. His kiss was soft, but insistent and God, it was so sweet. She grabbed on to the front of his white button down shirt, holding on for dear life. Not letting go.
Not anymore.