Robbie's Point of View

You looked sad. You never looked truly happy, but at that moment you looked fucking sad. Your eyes were weary, I remember staring at you from afar, wishing I could just walk over and give you a hug. I'd hold you in my arms, and I would tell you that everything was going to be okay. I'd tell you how much I love you, and that I'd always be there. I would take you away from all the hurt and I would make you mine. I would make Jadelyn West mine. Jadelyn West, soon to be Jadelyn Oliver, or Jadelyn West-Oliver, depending on how you liked it. Soon, but not anymore. It was a shame, it really was. He was so young.

Is it wrong if I didn't feel sorrow for his passing? I felt more sorrow for you. The look in your eyes was powerful enough—or maybe it was dull enough—to kill. To make anyone feel sad too. It leaked across the entire grassy area. I think everyone was sorry for his passing, but I think it was mostly towards you.

Your diamond ring sparkled and shone over everything. You were staring at it. I remember you never took your eyes off of your ring. Was it because you knew you had to take it off soon? It was only an engagement ring. Or were you staring at it, because you couldn't bear to look up as they were lowering Beck's body into the ground? His body was lowered, and his spirit was lifted up into the clouds. You knew that, right? You knew he wouldn't just rot underneath the ground, right? Did you know he was safe? He would be forever.

I was staring at you. My eyes didn't move from your body the entire time. You would never know though. I was hidden. The fact that I hadn't talked to Beck since high school kept me away from view. I went to his wake. I wasn't that disrespectful as to not go to any event for his death.

You knew we stopped talking, right? Did you know why? Did Beck ever tell you why? I'm sure he did, but maybe he had a little bit of respect for his ex friend and didn't tell you. We stopped talking, because I told him I was in love with you. He hated me ever since. I lost my friend in senior year. I thought we were over that bullshit by high school, but apparently not.

He beat the shit out of me. He was just "putting me in my place". Do you remember me coming to school with bruises all over? My lip was split, and my eye was black. I think I had a broken arm, but I can remember being as though he also gave me a concussion. He can be violent. Was he ever violent towards you? Judging by how sad you looked in the cemetery, he never hurt you. How could anyone hurt you?

Suddenly, you looked up from your ring, once his body was lowered and you realized everyone was starting to walk away. I thought you were going to talk to his parents, it'd be the respectful thing to do, but you're Jade. Why would you? You do what you want. You always have, and you always will. Your eyes caught mine. That was the first time you saw me since senior year. You didn't see me at the wake. Maybe we went at different times.

"Robbie?" Your voice cracked. "Robbie." You gave me a broken smile, and wrapped your arms around me softly. You were crying. I could tell.

"Hey, Jade. I'm so sorry…" Was all I could think of to say.

You pulled away and stared at me with pink eyes. "Why weren't you standing over there?"

"Well I…" I tried to think of how to explain everything without giving away that I was in love with you. I didn't want to lie, or I would have said "We grew apart", or some shit like that.

"Oh no…were you over there? God, I'm sorry. I didn't see you." You seemed panicked.

"No, no. I was, uh…"

No I was just watching you from waaay over here. I wasn't planning on you finding me, but hey!

"I didn't go…over there." I said slowly.

"Why not?" You seemed confused.

"I uh," I scratched the back of my neck softly. "Beck and I got into a fight before school ended, and we hadn't talked since then. I didn't think it'd be right to go to his funeral since we hadn't talked in nine years." I said awkwardly.

"Oh yeah!" You wiped the tears from under your eyes. I was a perfect distraction. "Yeah, I remember that. Why did you guys stop talking in the first place?"

"He beat me up." Again, I felt very awkward.

"Why?"

Oh fuck it. "Because I told him I was in love with you." More awkward words from the lips of Robbie Shapiro.

My cheeks heated up when you didn't respond. How were you feeling in that moment? Were you mad for not knowing, and not taking your chance with me in high school? Probably not. I didn't know what you were thinking. Your face was blank. You had nothing in your eyes. No emotion.

"Oh, wow." You breathed out. Your eyes were slightly wide. Your cheeks gained a little more color. "That's…wow." You felt awkward.

It was fucking awkward. "Yeah…"

"Well, hey. A bunch of us are going to Beck's parents' house, would you like to join?" You gave me a soft smile.

"Actually I can't." It wasn't a lie. I really couldn't, and fuck, I really wanted to.

"Oh," Your eyes filled with something. What was it? Were you disappointed that I couldn't go with you? Probably not, but I pretended you were disappointed.

"Hey, I'm not doing anything next week. We should go out to lunch, or go out for coffee or something." I gave you a soft smile.

"Yeah, yeah. I'd like that." You replied in a tender not-like-Jade voice.

We exchanged numbers, and I waved goodbye as you drove away with Beck's family seated beside you. That made me wonder if you were going to still talk to his parents—if you ever talked to them before anyway—or if you were going to completely cut ties with them. If you did shut them out, would it be because you couldn't talk to them without thinking of your beloved? Or is it because you just simply hate them? People usually hate in-laws. I wouldn't have known then.

I drove home in a silent daze. My mind was filled with questions that had obvious answers, but I couldn't seem to wrap my head around the simplicity of it all.

Had I really just spoken to Jade West?

Did we actually agree to meet up next week?

And the question that seemed to beam in my mind. The question that I regretted the answer to the most.

Had I really just told Jade-mother fucking-West that I loved her?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

I hoped that the last one would be a no.

That night I played that one part of the conversation over and over again in my head as if it were to change what I had said. It only made me angrier at myself for being so stupid. Did you wonder if I still loved you?

I didn't sleep that night. My thoughts were swarmed with the overwhelming feeling of love. I couldn't help but fall in love with you more and more each time I saw you. Each time you took a painful breath of air. Wishing you could die with your one and only true love. The man that wasn't me.

Instead of sleeping, I cursed God. How could he make someone hurt so much? How could he take love away? How could he do that to you?