The Ghost of You
Why is country music so good for inspiring angsty fics? I listened to Luke Bryan's song "I See You" pretty much the entire time I spent writing this.
A HUGE thank you to my wonderful beta and friend, Mordinette, for her help with brainstorming and editing, and most of her support and encouragement 3
Why Kaidan had let his friends talk him into this, he would never know. He hated clubs. The pounding bass and pulsating lights were already wreaking havoc on his senses, and they'd only been here for an hour. A migraine was threatening to make its presence known right behind his eyes. This had been a very bad idea.
Just as he was about to make some excuse to leave, another frosty beer was placed on the table in front of him. What number did this make now? Five? Six? He looked up to find Lieutenant Lukas Matthews, a man he'd met in basic and had become fast friends with, grinning at him. "Drink up, Alenko."
His group of friends had been forcing alcohol down his throat most of the night, insisting that he move on and forget. That he needed to live again.
There was only one man in their group not urging Kaidan towards a drunken stupor. He was the only one who truly understood.
Joker sat across from him, baseball cap pulled low over his green eyes, shoulders slumped and both hands gripped tightly around his own bottle. Guilt surged through him when he met the other man's gaze. Their friendship had become somewhat strange after the attack five months ago. Kaidan didn't blame Joker for Amara's death. Not really. But he wanted to. He wanted to blame the pilot for being so damn stubborn, for not following orders to abandon ship and forcing Amara to go back for him. He knew Joker had his own share of guilt, perhaps even more than him.
But the blame was his. If he'd only disobeyed her orders, just once, she might still be -
His throat constricted painfully as her face flashed before his eyes. The long, wavy auburn hair that always felt so unbelievably soft between his fingers. High cheekbones, bright emerald green eyes that crinkled around the edges when she laughed. The dimples in her cheeks when she smiled for him...
Kaidan squeezed his eyes closed, trying to force the painful image from his mind. God, he missed her so much.
She was why his friends had dragged him out tonight. He knew his friends' intentions were noble; they wanted to help him move on and forget her. Not that they knew who she was, with the exception of Joker. All they knew for certain was that he'd lost someone he'd cared about, but they didn't have a face to go along with it. They'd asked repeatedly who this mystery person was, but Kaidan refused. He wouldn't tarnish her reputation, no matter how much he wanted to shout to the heavens that he'd fallen in love with the most amazing woman he'd ever met, and his commanding officer.
And I'll never get to hold her again...
Another beer was placed in front of him just as he was finishing his last one and he opened it greedily. He'd thought maybe getting away from the orchard tonight might help. Away from the memories, of the nights he and Amara had spent out in the open fields of his family's property, sitting in the bed of his father's old classic pickup truck, wrapped up in a blanket, sipping his mother's homemade apple cider after making love underneath the stars. The way the moonlight had made her already pale skin seem to shine with an iridescent glow had made his breath catch in his throat. Those nights would forever be embedded in his mind as some of the happiest moments of his life.
Kaidan couldn't escape her, no matter how hard he tried. Amara haunted his dreams and his waking hours. Everywhere he looked, he would see something that would remind him of her. It also didn't help that the Alliance was using her as their poster child in the recruitment ads. The universe was making it impossible to forget her, even if he wanted to.
A nudge on his shoulder forced his mind away from her and he found himself equally as relieved as he was annoyed.
"Alenko," Matthews said conspiratorially. "There's a blonde over there that hasn't taken her eyes off you since we got here. Get off your ass and go ask her to dance."
Kaidan looked to where his pushy friend was indicating, and sure enough, a blonde woman was looking his way, smiling wolfishly as their gazes met. She was pretty, maybe early to mid twenties, straight, platinum hair cascading down the back of her barely-there black dress. He forced a smile in return, more out of polite habit than actual interest, before averting his eyes and taking a long pull from his drink.
Another one of his comrades, Sergeant Armando Dias, gaped at his indifference. "What are you doing, man? She's stunning. What are you waiting for?"
His grip on his bottle tightened as his friends continued to urge him on. Why didn't they get that he just wasn't ready?
"Leave him alone," Joker finally broke in, his voice holding an edge of annoyance. "Don't push him, guys."
They gawked at him for a few moments before finally relenting. Kaidan nodded his thanks to the pilot, who returned the gesture before turning his gaze back on the table. The biotic briefly wondered if the pilot was out tonight for the same reasons he was - to try to forget.
He allowed his eyes to wander to the sea of gyrating bodies on the dance floor as he accepted yet another beer from the passing waitress. The alcohol was doing nothing to quell the pounding in his head, but he welcomed the pain. It almost dulled the ever-present ache in his chest.
Almost.
His gaze settled on a young couple intertwined in each others arm while they swayed slowly to the fast paced music. Even from where Kaidan was seated, he could tell the man was slightly uncomfortable with the crowd around him. It was obvious that he was only out there due to the girl's prompting. He was rigid and stiff, but his smile was warm as he gazed down at the young woman in his arms.
It was painfully familiar and he felt the sting of tears prick his eyes.
"Come dance with me," Amara pleaded, her smile bright against her flushed face. The club was packed and the amount of body heat was causing tiny beads of perspiration to dot across her chest above her low-cut lavender dress. He loved that color on her.
He watched as her lower lip puckered out in a playful pout when she noticed he was about to decline her offer. "Please?"
He smiled. Kaidan could deny her nothing. All she had to do was bat those large, piercing green eyes and flash that heart-stopping smile of hers and he was lost.
Amara's grin widened as she watched his resolve crumble. Slipping her hands into his, she pulled him from his seat and dragged her onto the dance floor.
Slender arms wound their way around his neck at the same time his hands found her waist, drawing her into the warmth of his body.He could feel the delicious tingle of her biotics just underneath her skin, calling out to his.
She gazed up at him from under long, dark lashes, sending a pleasant shudder coursing through him. "Don't look so nervous, Lieutenant. Don't worry about everyone else." she murmured, standing on her tiptoes to press a soft kiss against the cleft of his chin. "It's just you and me out here."
Kaidan bit back a groan when Amara started swaying against him. His grip on her hips tightened their hold as her fingers slid into his hair and pulled his face toward hers. He could feel his breathing quicken as he pressed his forehead against hers. "You are so beautiful," he breathed just before claiming her mouth in a searing kiss.
Amara giggled against his lips, her arms tightening around him in an effort to get even closer.
He loved that sound, they were so rare to her, but he cherished them as if they were a reward just for his ears alone.
But there was something off about this one. In fact, the kiss was wrong, too. Amara's kisses were typically soft, almost shy and hesitant when they were in public, with the familiar and intoxicating taste of her mint toothpaste.
This kiss was hard, demanding, and tasted of a sweet mixture of hard liquor and cinnamon. There were other differences now that he was trying to force his alcohol infused brain to catch up.
The hips he held were too narrow, the body too slim and bony. Too tall. Alarms immediately began to sound in his mind. Abruptly, he pulled away from the kiss to find a pair of unfamiliar hazel eyes outlined in deep charcoal gazing up at him. The blonde from the bar, in the short black dress was grinning coyly at him.What the hell was going on?
Not her, his brain panicked as realization hit him. Not her. Not my Mari...
Immediately, Kaidan scrambled away from the blonde. How the hell had he gotten here? He didn't even recall leaving the table. Not her. "I'm - I," he started, trying to form the words to apologize. He couldn't breathe past the ache in his heart that threatened to undo him. "I'm sorry."
The blonde smiled and started to move into him again, but stopped when he backed further away. Hazel eyes narrowed and she put her hands on her hips. "Wow. Whoever she was must have done a number on you."
Kaidan's vision swam and he could feel his knees start to buckle. The lights and the amount of alcohol he'd consumed here playing evil, painful tricks on his eyes. One moment the pulsing lights made the blonde's hair change to the hauntingly familiar shade of red and he could almost pretend he was staring at the woman he loved. The next, she was gone.
Not her.
Bile rose in his suddenly dry throat. He couldn't breathe. Each time the lights changed it was like Amara was being ripped from him again, making him relive the moment his whole world had died along with her.
More alarms sounded as he raced through the tattered CIC in search of Shepard. He sighed in relief as he found her setting off the Alliance distress beacon and placing her helmet securely in place.
"Will they make it in time?" he asked, heart pounding with adrenaline.
She placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "They'll make it. They won't abandon us."
He nodded. "Most of the crew has made it to the shuttles," he informed her, grabbing an extinguisher to put out a small electrical fire that had erupted near them. "Joker refuses to abandon ship." Once the fire was out, he turned back to her. "I'm not leaving either."
The Normandy suddenly gave a violent shudder, sending Kaidan barreling into his commanding officer.
She steadied him quickly, their faces so close he could see the fear in those emerald depths, but her voice was calm and steady when she spoke. "I need you to make sure everyone gets to the e-vac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker."
"No!" he argued. Screw regulations, he'd gladly live with the consequences later if they got out of this alive. "I'm not leaving you."
Amara grabbed the neck of his chest piece and pulled him to her, closing her eyes as she pressed her helmet against his for a brief moment before pushing him away. "Kaidan, go. Now."
"Shepard…"
"That's an order, Lieutenant!" she barked, the emotion finally betraying her calm demeanor, her emerald eyes blazing with anger and regret.
The biotic swallowed hard and nodded, the soldier in him unable to disobey a direct order. "Aye, aye, ma'am."
"We'll be right behind you."
Everything was a blur after that. He'd made sure all surviving crew members were aboard the shuttles before climbing into one himself. There was one remaining shuttle for Joker and Shepard. They would make it. They had to. She had to.
The crew watched in fascinated horror as the monstrous ship came around for another assault on the Normandy, its laser cutting through the ship's hull like butter. Kaidan tried to swallow around the large lump that developed in his throat.
A ping from his omni-tool told him the last shuttle had launched, and a collective sigh of relief rose from the crew in his shuttle.
But that relief had been short lived. Kaidan's whole world shattered the moment they opened the shuttle to find Joker inside, broken, beaten...alone.
The blonde was still staring at him as if he'd lost his mind. The walls seemed to be closing in on him and he was having a hard time breathing, his chest felt like it was being crushed under his despair.
He had to get out of here.
With another slurred apology, Kaidan ran out of the club, ignoring the worried shouts of his friends and the curious glances from the strangers around him as he pushed his way through the crowd.
The cold Vancouver winter wind smacked him in the face the moment he left the stuffy building, and he welcomed the sting of it on his overheated skin. He gazed up at the sky and was relieved to see the bright lights of the city drowned out any indication that the stars were even out tonight.
He hated the stars now. They'd lost their beauty; now they only served as a cruel reminder of everything he'd lost.
Something crumbled underneath his boot and he bent down to pick up the crumpled piece of paper.
He wished he hadn't.
Amara was staring back at him, face stoic and proud as she saluted the photographer. It was taken during their victory celebration after defeating Sovereign. The entire Normandy crew had been interviewed and photographed. The slight quirk to her lips on her otherwise stern expression reminded him that Joker had been making faces at her from the sidelines, doing his best to make her laugh and ruin the shot.
A strangled sob escaped his throat as his knees finally gave out from under him. Kaidan pressed his back against the building, sliding down until he hit the cold, hard ground. His emotions were in such turmoil that his biotics flared in an uncontrollable surge. All of the guilt, the loneliness, and pain he'd felt since her death rolled over him in waves. His hands tightened into fists around the piece of paper until he heard it rip.
Chest heaving, Kaidan hastily tried to smooth out the crinkles he'd created, growling in desperation when one particularly stubborn wrinkle across her face refused to disappear. The tightness in his throat constricted painfully as he stared down at the image in his hands, and finally allowed the tears to fall, not bothering to wipe them away.
He wasn't sure how long he sat there, fingers tracing each of Amara's features, desperately trying to burn every detail into his mind. They'd had such a short time together, barely over a year, and yet she had touched his life more than anyone else ever had. From the very first smile she had flashed at him, he'd been lost. She'd been so much more than his commander and lover. She'd been his best friend, understanding and accepting him for who he was with no judgment.
Kaidan traced the shape of her lips and took a shuttering breath as another stab of pain clenched his heart. Silent sobs began to wreak his body. He'd never gotten to tell her just how much he cared for her, and now he would never get that chance.
"It's my fault."
Kaidan jerked his head up to find Joker standing in front of him, eyes averted and hands shoved deep in the pockets of his jeans, with Kaidan's jacket draped over his arm. His jaw was clenched tight as he fought his own troubled emotions. Kaidan shook his head, turning his attention back to the paper in his hands. "It's not your fault, Jeff."
"If she hadn't come back for me..." Joker's voice cracked and he ran a hand over his unkempt beard. Kaidan could see the younger man trembling as his eyes finally met his. "If she hadn't come back for me, she'd still be here and you and the rest of the crew wouldn't hate me."
Kaidan sighed, running his fingers across the tattered paper. "I don't hate you, Joker. I just..." he paused, sucking in a ragged breath. "...miss her."
"We all do," Joker agreed solemnly. He was quiet for a few moments. "Come on. I'll give you a ride home."
With a nod of thanks, Kaidan climbed unsteadily to his feet, accepting his jacket when Joker handed it to him. "It wasn't your fault, you know. You were just doing your job. So was she."
"So were you, Kaidan." He paused, the corners of his mouth turning up just a little."You know she's probably looking down on us right now thinking that we both need our asses kicked."
Kaidan gave a sound that was half sob, half laugh as he pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. "That sounds like her." He raked a hand through his hair. "I never got the chance to tell her that I loved her," he admitted brokenly, the tears falling freely once again.
"She knew," his friend assured him quickly as they walked towards his car, the conviction in his tone so strong that Kaidan was slightly taken aback. "And for what it's worth, she loved you, too. It was actually pretty nauseating watching the way you two looked at each other at times."
The biotic chuckled lightly but didn't comment as he climbed into the passenger seat. They were silent for a long while as Joker started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. Kaidan stared out into the night, pressing his forehead against the cool glass of the window. "I keep seeing her. Everywhere I go, something or someone reminds me of her. No matter how hard I try, she's everywhere."
Joker was silent for a moment, stealing a glance at his friend from the corner of his eye. "Is that what happened at the club?"
Kaidan nodded. "Yeah. It was stupid of me to come out tonight. I wasn't ready. I just... wanted to forget for a while."
"You tried," Joker said gently. "You'll get there, eventually. She was an amazing woman, the best damn commander I've ever served under." He sighed, his hands tightening on the wheel. "There will never be another woman like Amara Shepard."
"Never."
Maybe Joker was right. Maybe one day he could try again to move on. Perhaps his heart would eventually heal enough to allow it, and deep down he knew that was what Amara would have wanted. For him to be happy and live his life again. But he knew it would never happen. She had taken his heart with her when she died, and there was no getting it back.
The truth was, Kaidan didn't want it back. He was hers, and he could be content living with her ghost for as long as it took before he could see her again.