A/N:
Firstly, I remember someplace, somewhere in the guidelines it stated that script-format things were not permitted to be uploaded.
I also remember seeing many of said formats floating around here. SO... yeah. I'm breaking the rules. What can I say? I'm a rebel.
Secondly, this is in no way shape or form meant to be taken seriously. I just had a random series of moments during work today that spawned this crazy set of ideas in my head. Also, unless you've played all three games (Final Fantasy XIII, Mass Effect and Dragon Age II) You may not fully appreciate the awkwardness—which is perfectly fine. Honestly, even if you have played all three, it'd probably still not make any sense whatsoever. BUT ANYWAY. Let's begin.
Thirdly,
***SPOILER WARNING*** (for Dragon Age II, Mass Effect 2 and Final Fantasy XIII)
The Leader
Host: Welcome all to the first—and in all likeliness last—installment of Good Things Come in Threes. We have quite the lineup for you today. Let's not waste time and get on with meeting today's panel. Say hello panel.
Hawke: Greetings!
Shepard: Hello
Light: Hi
:::
Host: Now, going down the line would the three of you care to introduce yourselves a little? Go on, no need to be shy now.
Hawke: Well I'm Aeryn Hawke—though everyone just calls me Hawke since technically I'm a player-character and all-
Sherpard: No way, me too! My first name is Aeryn as well!
Host: Okay let's try not to totally decimate the 4th wall.
Light: You're interviewing characters from three completely different universes and you're talking about not breaking walls?
Host: ...okay good point. Please, continue.
Hawke: [clears throat] Again, Aeryn Hawke here, I'm a mage from Ferelden though I lived in Kirkwall for about a decade—became it's Champion—and am now sort of... drifting.
Shepard: I'm Commander Shepard-
Host: And this is my favorite store on the Citadel.
Shepard: …
Host: I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. [motions for Shepard to continue]
Shepard: I'm Commander of the Normandy and her crew. I was a spacer growing up, fought a few battles before being chose to be the first human SPECTRE. Oh and I've prevented the destruction of the galaxy. Twice.
Hawke: Showoff.
Host: Lightning? Would you care to say a few words?
Lightning: Lightning Farron, former Sergeant and l'Cie.
Hawke: What's a lussy?
Shepard: Is that a new alien?
Lightning: [rolls her eyes]
:::
Host: Alright, alright let's just... move on to our first question: How do you feel about being the leader of your respective parties?
Hawke: Well I for one wouldn't necessarily call myself the leader-
Shepard: Oh come on! You're saying your friends didn't follow you from hell and back—and would probably do it again if you needed them to?
Hawke: ...w-well ...I wouldn't ask them to-
Shepard: But would they?
Hawke: ...It's possible-
Shepard: HAH, knew it.
Host: Light, you're a little quiet over there. No input?
Lightning: I'm trying to figure out—since I'm guessing these player-characters are a reflection of your personality—if you are really this vexatious. And why I'm putting up with it.
Host: Hey! You're in my piece of fanfiction, missy. You don't leave until I write you out.
Hawke: Ooooh 'vexatious', I like it.
Shepard: It's harsh, yet so very... refined.
Host: You two are NOT helping!
Lightning: [sighs heavily]
:::
Host: Y'know what? Let's just move on, shall we? Next question: What, in your opinion, is the best thing about your party as a whole?
Shepard: They're determined and completely loyal-
Host: [whispers] Yeah you only spent ages doing all of their loyalty quests-
Shepard: [glares]
Host: Sorry, sorry. [motions for Shepard to continue]
Shepard: I trust them all just as much to have my back when I need it.
Hawke: Oooh, that's a good answer! Me too! Only... Well I suppose there was that time when Isabela... and the time with Anders... And Carver I guess... that little basta-
Host: Positive, Hawke! Nice, good, positive things!
Hawke: What-? Oh, erm... Ooh! The banter between them while we're running about town!
Host: Ah, yes. The party banter. Sorry Shep, but Hawke's party got yours beat there.
Shepard: Yes but... they didn't have elevators.
Host: AND THANK GOD FOR THAT! [clears throat] But, moving on before Lightning glares a hole through my face. Light? Best thing about your party?
Lightning: Let's see... there was no banter, and no elevators. Worked out just fine for me.
:::
Host: Well alright then. Next question: What, in your opinion, is the worst thing about your party?
Shepard: Walking through my line of fire. Seriously, they really gotta stop doing that...
Hawke: I KNOW RIGHT? Oh! Or when they use the most useless spells at the most inappropriate times!
Shepard: Yes! Or when they lag behind, too far from the battle to do much of anything!
Hawke: YES!
Host: Uh, actually that'd probably be my fault [clears throat] Y'know, forgetting to put the party members back on follow...
Shepard/Hawke: Noob...
Host: DON'T JUDGE ME! [points at Shepard] You! You've had two whole games and STILL haven't ensured the safety of the galaxy! [points at Hawke] And you! 'Noob' is not even supposed to be part of your vocabulary! [Looks over at Lightning expectantly]
Lightning: Snow. Steelguard.
Host: ...Yeah, s'why I never EVER used Snow. Used him less than Hope. Vanille heals just fine, I say.
Lightning: Yeah, but at least when Hope heals, He doesn't sound quite so...
Host: Would you totally kill me if I said that was part of the reason why I used Vanille?
Lightning: …
Host: Stupid question [backs away slowly]
:::
Host: SPEAKING OF QUESTIONS! Next one: Which of your party members did you work the best with? And why?
Hawke: Varric, Merrill and Isabela. No question about it.
Host: And why was that?
Hawke: Oh come on! The sarcasm, naivete and endless innuendo? All while in the middle of fighting off a horde of darkspawn? What could be more fun than that?
Host: Not much, my dear mage, not much. Shepard? Light?
Shepard: Are we talking Normal difficulty? Or Insanity?
Host: Oh come on Shep-! Do you have to-! Ugh... [sighs heavily] either, or.
Shepard: Well, Garrus and his sniper rifle along with his overload were rather nifty-
Hawke: [snickers] sorry, that just sounded so... [sigh] I've been around Isabela too long.
Shepard: ...ooookay. Uh, Jack for her shockwave came in handy as well. Oh and Kasumi and her little teleport-omni-tool-bop-to-the-head things she does? Always fun. Mmm, Legion because he's made of win-
Host: Hang on, was that a reference to him as an actual character, or the fact that he's got part of your old chest-piece welded to him?
Shepard: Both.
Host: You're a little cocky ain't ya?
Lightning: Says the person who played as her.
Host: Hey! You still haven't answered the question!
Lightning: Fang and Vanille. They were the only two you grouped me with.
Host: What can I say? I'm not a big Hope fan. And admit it, Fang's power is second to none.
Lightning: Fang makes a good commando, I'll admit that.
Host: [Snickers] I'll bet you will.
Lightning: [glares] What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Host: Nothing, nothing-hey, put that away. No weapons during Q&A time!
Hawke:[snickers]
Shepard: [rolls her eyes at Hawke] You are such a perv.
:::
Host: Okay last question: What qualities do you possess that you believe makes you a good leader?
Hawke: Erm...
Shepard: Uh...
Lightning: [scoffs]
Hawke/Shepard: Hey!
Shepard: I command the best damn frigate—not to mention the most expensive—in the galaxy! I am the first human SPECTRE! I have the Shadow Broker in my back pocket!
Host: [mumbles] That's not all you have her in...
Shepard: I'm Commander Shepard, damnit!
Hawke: And I, the Champion of Kirkwall! My rise to power fueled by the magic that runs through my veins! Behold! [shoots Cone of Cold spell across the room]
Host: Hey! Hey! Hey! No weapons means no spells either!
Shepard: Pfft, I see your giant ice cube and raise you- [pulls out the M-76 Revenant LMG] -this little baby.
Hawke: Y-Yeah well... [Pulls out staff] Well my staff has a blade on it!
Host: I know! SO much cooler than the staves in the first game...
Lightning: [unsheathes and unfolds gunblade] ETRO WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP ALREADY?
Hawke/Shepard/Host: …
Shepard: Wait... she has a gun AND a sword? In one? [Looks at Revenant then glares at Host] Why don't I have one of those?
Lightning: [Channels thundaga spell]
Hawke: AND magic? [Glares at Host] That's SO not fair!
Host: What do you expect ME to do about it?
Shepard: Well I've got a SPACE HAMSTER! How 'bout THAT?
Lightning: [Summons Odin]
Host: ...
Hawke: ...
Shepard: ...I should go
:::
A/N 2:
Somehow, somehwere, I just broke something...
Unless this story gets reported for being against ff(dot)net guidelines, unbearably insulting or just generally too ridonkulous to handle...
...the next installment will feature the 'Love Interests'