This is a gay bar! They invited me to a gay bar! Why would they do that? Do I look like a lesbian to them? Do I look like the type to want to hang out around nothing but lesbians and gay guys? I mean…What the hell! She looked around her, clearly nervous about the large number of rainbow paraphernalia, men in extremely feminine clothing (to include dresses and high heels), women with hair so short and chests bound so that she had to look twice to distinguish male from female. If they had told me this…I never would have come out tonight. This was supposed to be just a girls' night, something relaxed and quiet. I was invited to help me "wind down," how the hell is this going to help me wind down? She continued to look around her, growing more and more desperate to find the group of treacherous women who had tossed her into this situation. I can't stay here tonight, I just have to find them, make up some excuse and leave. I'll tell them that I have a headache - possibly a flu. Maybe even an emergency. A family emergency, they can't possibly say no to that.
She finally caught the back of Alex's head of long, blonde hair getting into a booth with a handful of shots at the far left of the bar. She immediately headed straight for the group, keeping her limbs close to her body in an effort not to be forced to talk to anyone due to an accidental bump or touch. She walked quickly, and just as she reached the booth, Alex stood up and turned her way, causing a hard collision of their bodies. Chest to chest, Alex gently held her back by her shoulders to look her up and down to make sure she was okay. "I'm glad you came! For a second I thought you were blowing me off!"
Guilt instantly flooded her, but the hum of a gay bar around her reminded her of the urgent need to leave. "Actually, Alex, I can't stay. I-"
"No! Don't go! I know this new and uncomfortable but I know you'll have fun if you stay."
"Alex," she tried to force a carefree smile but she knew it didn't look right, "I have a family emergency. Don't worry. I just stopped in to let you know."
Alex pursed her lips and set her hands on her hips, "Bullshit." Alex didn't seem phased by the shocked expression that met her look of determination and continued to call her out on the lie, "If you had a family emergency you would not have come to tell me that, you would have called. Do not forget that I have known you for years." Alex took her hand and steered her towards the booth, "Now, sit your ass down, smile, have fun. Stop being such a tight-ass and just relax."
She sat down and took a moment to rub her temples, before looking up to see Kathy's smile across the table. "Kathy…how are you?"
Kathy's smile was radiant, obviously enjoying her rigid discomfort. "I'm great, how are you Olivia?"
She looked around her again and sighed, "Why did you guys choose this place for a girls' night?"
Kathy laughed and shook her head, "The drag show is fun and it's always nice to be able to let loose and be…me for a little while before I go home to my family. I think this is a relaxing place, a place with enough energy that when you get home you're tired enough to just sleep and the thoughts don't overwhelm your thoughts, so that the stress doesn't invade your dreams."
Olivia frowned at her, "What does that mean? Be you for a little while?"
Kathy looked away, her smile faltering just a bit as she considered how she was going to answer the question. "I love Elliot, I love my kids and my home and my marriage, I love my life. But there is a major part of me that has always been suppressed by my religion, my faith. Just hanging out around here, watching the drag show, seeing the women who love one another so freely, lets me feel like I don't have to hide my desires and my needs for just a little while. I come to these places so that I can blow off some steam, explore my desires just a bit, and when I go home I can forget for a while and be content with the life that was chosen for me."
"Kathy," Olivia leaned in close to her, "Are you telling me that you're a lesbian?"
She grinned and put a finger to her lips, "We don't put labels on it here, Liv. Tonight, we are just women, no titles or labels, no judgment. And what happens here will stay here, the primary rule is that we do not talk about these nights with anyone. Can I trust you with this? If not, then you need to leave."
Olivia's eyes widened and she shook her head, "It stays here. I don't want to cause issues."
Kathy smiled at her and visibly relaxed, "Thank you. Have some fun, the show is about to start."
Olivia watched the show and the audience, all of it blending in a blur of glitter, bright colors, and loud noises. She had fun, the drag queens were entertaining and the crowd was energetic. The group of women that she found herself with made sure there were always drinks on the table, they flirted and teased one another, and they treated Olivia gently without making her feel like an outsider. But Olivia was still timid, clinging to Kathy and Alex as she was nervous to talk to anyone else. How could she talk to anyone when she had no idea of their intentions, their interests, or their assumptions? It just wasn't safe. Nonetheless, she stayed until the end of the night; the show ended at one a.m. and the shots continued to make their way to the table until two when the bar closed. Although she was uncomfortable and out of place, Olivia wasn't ready to go home when they were asked to leave.
The night out was uplifting, relaxing, Olivia realized that she needed more time away from her tiny apartment or risk isolating herself completely. The night was a gift, allowing her to make a few friends and pull some old friends closer. So when Kathy offered to walk the eight blocks back to Olivia's house with her and call a cab from there, Olivia didn't hesitate to accept. Olivia had never noticed how blue Kathy's eyes were until the cloud of vodka hung over her vision; she had never wondered at how soft Kathy's skin was or how her hair smelled, but the night breeze made her thoughts wander down what she knew was a dangerous path; she had never felt a physical attraction to a woman, but the entirety of the night left her curious and dazed. Olivia was intensely aware of the closeness of their bodies as they walked down the street, she could feel Kathy's presence behind her as she climbed the stairs to her fourth story apartment, and she could feel Kathy watching her as she struggled to get the key in the door so that they could go inside. The alcohol caused a disconnection in her hands and her mind, making it impossible to get the door open. But Kathy was practically sober, she gently took the key from Olivia and slid it into the door effortlessly, grinning at Olivia as she opened the door and ushered her inside.
As promised, Kathy called a cab while Olivia took off her shoes and jewelry. She listed to Kathy giving the address, wishing that she hadn't called quite so quickly. "Kathy…" She held up a finger to Olivia as she listened to the voice on the other end of the phone, but Olivia wasn't ready to be quiet. The alcohol was taking over her speech, forcing words that she never would have said, even to herself. "I'm lonely, I don't want you to leave." Kathy hung up the phone and smiled at Olivia.
"I have to go home to Elliot and the kids, but I do wish I could stay."
Olivia touched Kathy's hand with hers, "You're so beautiful and funny and -" Kathy's lips came down on Olivia's, smothering the words with warmth and moisture that was tantalizingly sweet. Olivia's hands moved to Kathy's shoulders, fingertips lightly touching her collarbone, jawline, anything that she could reach with how Kathy was holding her into one place. To Olivia's dismay, just as suddenly as she began, Kathy stopped.
She took a deep breath, moistened her lips and stroked Olivia's cheek with a light finger. "I have to go, my cab should be here." Olivia opened her mouth to protest but Kathy stopped her, "Trust me, I want to. But this isn't the right time. You've had so much to drink and we've never talked about this. I'll text you in the morning; we should meet for lunch tomorrow to talk about this. You need to think without the cloud of alcohol that could be affecting your judgment." Olivia nodded and sighed, Kathy leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. Then she disappeared out the front door, leaving Olivia alone.
What the hell just happened? I can't believe she kissed me…I can't believe I liked it. I just wish she hadn't left, I wish I could have done more, felt more, seen more. I can't believe I've never thought of this part of myself before now, I can't believe I hid it from myself for so long. That kiss…It was so wonderful that I could do it over and over again. I only wish I had done it sooner, all this time I wasted on men that I felt nothing with and only a kiss can spark so much in me? Olivia sighed and threw herself down on the couch, flicking the TV on then tossing the remote to the recliner across the room. I have to have lunch with her, I have to figure out how much more of this I can have, how much more I want. But…is it just Kathy? Do I only feel this way for her, or am I attracted to all women? How am I supposed to figure this out so quickly? And what if it is all women? Worse, what if it is just Kathy?