I've been meaning to write a Yuugao and Kakashi fic about the grieving process. I like how it finally came out. Enjoy!
How to Cope
Visiting the monument just once wasn't enough. There were duties to be done, battles to be fought, but Yuugao found a way to make it to the monument late at night, at least one night each week. Sometimes she wouldn't allow herself the luxury of sleep. Kneeling before the monument, cradling a stick of incense that glowed weakly against the darkness in her gloved hands, seemed so much more important.
One would expect that with the passage of time, the burden would grow lighter. But weeks had passed since Hayate's death, and her heart was as heavy as ever. It was all too easy to drown herself in her work, to bury her mind in her missions, but when she returned to her bed at night to sleep – when she was all alone with her thoughts – the full might of her grief returned, smothering her like a velvet curtain.
It wasn't until the fourth time she'd come to the monument that she realized that her yearning for Hayate's living presence wasn't the only reason she came, and it wasn't until the sixth that she realized the other reason was to absolve her of her grief. It was the only place – the only moment in time – in which she felt the crushing sorrow relinquish its grip, even if only slightly.
On this night, just like all other nights, she knelt before the monument with a slowly smoking stick of incense clasped between her hands. Her head was bowed, her hair falling around her face like a curtain and trapping the dim light of the incense within. Her eyes were dry; her well of tears had run out weeks ago. Somehow, it was worse when she couldn't bring herself to cry anymore.
She noticed the presence even before she heard the footsteps, but she didn't bother looking back. There was no threat in it, even if he had gotten too close by the time he'd stopped, standing just behind her.
"Aah, still coming here, are you?"
Her gloved hands tightened slightly around the stick of incense before she placed it securely in the dirt before the stone monument. The smoke puffed briefly, as if in a sigh.
"It's not like you've stopped coming, either, Kakashi-senpai," she noted, unable to keep that single bitter note from crawling into her voice. She bit the inside of her cheek, trying to swallow it back in, but it was already gone from her mouth.
"Well, that is true." Kakashi's voice was as neutral and indifferent as ever. Yuugao clasped her hands together and let her head drop once more, her eyes closing unsteadily. Kakashi merely stood there, watching the smoke twist into the air, weaving delicately into Yuugao's hair. There was a long moment of silence on the brink of discomfort between them.
It was the catch in Yuugao's breath that broke it. She lifted her head to stare up at the long list of names, locating the one she knew Kakashi was here for. How many years had passed since his death? How many since any of theirs? And how many years would it be before they…
"It's hard, isn't it?" Such words were often spoken sympathetically, but Kakashi's voice was that of a neutral observer, as always. The glow of the incense stick dwindled down slowly, crawling closer to the ground.
"How do you do it, Kakashi-senpai?" Yuugao finally spoke. This time, her voice was not laced with bitterness, but with barely contained desperation. She was ANBU – she was supposed to be strong – but in the face of this kind of adversity, she wasn't sure how to be. "How do I go on after this?"
"Mm," was Kakashi's only response, but Yuugao knew it only meant that he was listening. He had never been a good one to ask for advice, but if anyone would know this – it was him, to be sure.
Yuugao touched her temple with her fingertips. "How, Kakashi-senpai? The grief and sorrow…just when I think it might be getting easier…" She closed her eyes. Her skin was silver in the moonlight. "Do I bury it? I don't know what else to do."
"Mm…there is that, too." Noncommittal as ever. She couldn't have expected anything less from Hatake Kakashi.
"I just…can't bring myself to. It seems so disrespectful to his memory…" Yuugao opened her eyes and reached out to touch the monument, to trace her fingers over Hayate's name, but her fingers curled away from the cold stone. "It's already been weeks, but it still feels so fresh. Does it just take time? Will it heal with time? Will it – will it get easier? Will I heal?" Her voice sounded raw, now – she seemed so human now, no longer the calm, well-controlled ANBU she usually was.
"No," Kakashi said, just as clinically. "No, no such thing happens."
He could see Yuugao's shoulders begin to shake. "Then – then – what, Kakashi-senpai?" She twisted around to face him, her hair flying around her head and blending in with the night air that threatened to swallow her as the incense glow grew ever smaller, and Kakashi could see the tears that now edged her red eyes. "Tell me – what am I supposed to do?!"
"You carry it, Yuugao." There was a gentle undertone to his voice that hadn't been there before – the moonlight reflected in his eyes had softened. "It won't ever go away or disappear, so the only thing you can do is carry it." Kakashi reached his hand out and placed it on Yuugao's head. The gesture might have appeared affectionate, but it was really almost one of benediction. "Carry it within you, and let it become your will of fire."
Yuugao stared back up at him, her eyes glistening, and though it looked as though she were searching his face for confirmation, Kakashi knew better. It only took some time to absorb. After several moments, Yuugao lowered her eyes, and then her head. The tears that had edged her eyes ran down her cheeks, dripping onto the ground, and Kakashi thought he heard a faint, dignified sniffle. "Thank you, senpai," came her murmur, a voice more serene. Kakashi twisted his hand on her head, as if moving to tousle her hair but never completing the action, and drew it back.
"Light a stick for Obito, will you?" His voice was back to that indifference, but still seemingly good-natured, as he turned away to head back to wherever he'd come from. "And if you hear Hayate's voice tonight, give him my regards." And with that, he started off, giving Yuugao a lazy wave over his shoulder. Yuugao smiled weakly after him, shaking her head gently, and reached for another stick of incense. She hadn't finished paying her respects to the dead just yet – after all, visiting the monument alone wasn't enough.
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