Tipping her drink to her lips she wished, not for the first time, that the holodeck was capable to providing her with real alcohol, not synthehol. This was one of those days that she required the real thing, and although she knew where to find it, she knew it would be unprofessional, and unwise, to get herself completely drunk in front of her crew.
So instead she looked out at everyone. They were all having a great time, some dancing, some chatting.
Her eyes fell on Chakotay and she felt her heart jump slightly in her chest.
Trying to push it away she ignored the feeling.
She may have been using Mark as an excuse, but it still wasn't acceptable for a Captain to fall for her First Officer.
Watching was okay though.
There were no regulations against looking at your First Officer.
Your handsome, impeccably dressed, loyal, kind First Officer. The one who looked after you, no matter what. The one who had known instantly when something had upset her earlier that day.
She let her eyes follow his gaze as it fell on B'Elanna. The Head of Engineering had been in a strange mood all day and she suddenly realised that she hadn't been paying attention to what everyone else may have learned from their letters.
Chakotay walked over to sit next to B'Elanna and her mood lightened slightly, but they both held a serious expression as they spoke.
She watched them, more with curiosity than jealousy, wondering what was wrong.
She scanned the crowd and her eye fell on a couple of other ex-Maquis, their expressions also lacking the joy she saw scattered around the party and she suddenly understood.
She had been so distracted by her own emotions she hadn't even realised that others might have received upsetting news. She had noted something regarding the Cardassians and the Maquis mentioned in passing, but she hadn't paid it too much attention, forgetting that a good portion of her crew would be affected greatly by such news.
The guilt over how self-absorbed began to worm its way into her emotions.
'Tom,' she grabbed his arm as he walked past.
Paris looked surprised at the use of his first name, but stopped in his tracks and stood in front of her.
'Yes, Captain?' he asked, slightly confused.
'Is B'Elanna alright?' she asked, trying to be subtle about her line of questioning.
'As alright as one can be after finding out most of your old friends were killed in battle,' Paris replied, speaking as though he assumed she had already known.
The look of surprise on her face must have given her away.
'I assumed Chakotay would have told you…' Paris said quickly.
Choosing to ignore the fact her crew would assume Chakotay told her everything, she shook her head.
'No, he hadn't. Thank you, Paris.'
He took his cue to leave and hurried back towards Harry. She turned her gaze back to Chakotay. He stood up, patting B'Elanna on the arm as he did so, then walking away from the crowd. She watched as he pulled out a small flask of alcohol and poured it into his glass.
She made her way towards him.
'Were you planning to share that with the rest of the crew, Commander?' she joked, leaning against the railing next to him.
He jumped as she took her spot, then smiled softly when he realised who it was. 'I just needed something a little stronger…'
'You're not the only one. I've been considering heading back to my quarters to grab something else for the last hour,' she muttered, taking a sip from her synthehol glass.
He held the flask out to her, keeping it hidden from the crowd. 'You're the one person I'm happy to share this with.'
He spoke softly as he said it, and it made her insides do the same jumpy thing they had done earlier. She held out her glass for him to pour some into, watching him closely as he did so.
'Why didn't you tell me about the Maquis?' she asked quietly.
He shrugged, avoiding her gaze as he put away the flask. 'I didn't think it would be of any interest to you.'
'Chakotay,' she reached out and touched his arm lightly. 'You let me prattle on about Mark getting married when a large portion of my crew received terrible news.'
'Heartbreak is heartbreak, Kathryn,' he responded, finally looking up at her. 'I don't believe anyone's feelings about something can be deemed more or less important than someone else's.'
She could see the pain in his eyes now, pain he had clearly been hiding from her all day, and he took a large swig from his drink as he watched her.
'But what you're going through, I can't even imagine…' she replied.
She realised now that her hand was still placed on his arm, so she slid it down slowly to hold his hand and squeeze it.
'I've dealt with it in my own way,' he said quietly, forcing a smile.
'Anything I can do for you, tell me,' she whispered, squeezing his hand again before letting it go.
They were hiding in a corner, but she still understood that everyone could see them, should they choose to pay any attention to their commanding officers. Glancing back out at the crowd it didn't seem that anybody was, but she would rather not risk it.
Risk what?
There was nothing for anyone to see.
Did she want this so badly that she was afraid to let anyone even see it? For fear that it might be ruined before anything even began?
No.
It was against regulations.
She was just a Captain, making sure her First Officer was alright despite the terrible news he had received that day. The same way he had just been a First Officer, making sure his Captain was okay finding out her fiancé had married someone else.
That's all it was.
Friendship.
Except she knew that was a complete lie. Their relationship had been more complicated than friendship for a long time now.
He took another large swig from his glass, finishing his drink. She took a sip from hers as well.
Yes, the real thing was definitely the better option at that moment.
'You know what I'd really like to do?' he said. 'If you give me permission of course…'
'Anything,' she replied, then instantly regretted it, noting the look of longing that crossed his eyes.
A moment later it was gone.
'You mentioned you had more of the real thing in your quarters?' he asked, smiling slightly. 'I could do with a little more of this…'
He shook his glass a little.
'…and a little less of this,' he finished, nodding towards the crowd.
'I couldn't agree more,' she replied.
She knew this was a bad idea, they were both grieving in their own way, and surely someone was going to notice the two of them sneaking away from the party.
But then, they were commanding officers, perhaps they had work to get done.
There was always an excuse.
At least, that's what she told herself.
They managed to escape the party without attracting the attention of anybody else, and make it back to her quarters without running into company.
Something felt different as the door closed behind them, but she pushed it away. It was nothing. The two of them had spent plenty of time alone in her quarters before, sometimes they'd even had alcohol.
Maybe it was just nerves.
Ignoring the nagging feeling in her stomach she searched through her cupboard for the bottle of wine she had been hiding, narrating her journey as she went.
'…and I swear I put it somewhere easy to locate because this happened last time as well. Although I'm not sure why I hide drinks in my own quarters, it would be pretty bold of the crew to steal from their Captain, particularly when they knew there was no escape,' she stopped as she found it. 'Ah ha!'
Triumphantly she returned to the other room, finding Chakotay standing by the window. She had expecting him to take a seat at the table, but he was watching the stars outside, a sadness hanging over him.
Grabbing two glasses she made her way to him, pouring them a glass each, and holding one out to him.
It was silent.
He took the glass from her, letting his hand brush against hers, pausing for a moment too long before pulling it away.
And she understood.
For the first time since they had met, she was entirely single. And perhaps to him it had never been about her being Captain and him being First Officer, perhaps it had been a respect for her determination to get home to her fiancé, to avoiding a situation where they reached home and he was waiting for her.
'Chakotay...' she said quietly.
He smiled sadly, holding his glass up to her. 'To news that could have been better.'
She tipped hers to clink against his.
'How's B'Elanna holding up?' she asked, still unsure how he actually felt about the whole situation.
'Not well,' he replied, meeting her eyes. 'I think tomorrow we'll better understand how people are dealing with the situation.'
'And how are you holding up?' she asked, placing her wine glass carefully on the table for a moment.
He laughed slightly. 'I'm torn between wanting to drink all the alcohol on board and wanting to sit on the Holodeck and reflect in some natural setting that would better help me concentrate on my thoughts.'
He placed his drink down on the table next to hers and took her hands in his. His touch surprised her, but his hand was warm, a contrast to the cold wine glass she had been holding a few moments earlier.
'The problem is that through my grief I still have this feeling of hope I can't shake, no matter how hard I try to tell myself that it's ridiculous,' he took a deep breath. 'So I need to know something, Kathryn…'
The silence filled the room, louder than she had ever heard silence in her life. She swore that Voyager's engines must have shut off, every other occupant of the ship suddenly seeming really far away. It was as though they had entered some kind of void where only the two of them existed.
And she knew what he was going to say.
'Was it just Mark keeping us apart?'
Now that flippant feeling in her stomach was more like a reshuffling of her organs – her heart swelling up in her chest at the notion that he was actually bringing this up, her stomach dropping somewhere down to her feet at the thought she was going to have to deal with this, her lungs shrivelling up and making it impossible for her to breathe.
And her face.
She could feel it turning bright red as she glanced down at their joined hands.
'Because if it was just an excuse I need to know, I can't keep living like this, not knowing how you really feel…' he whispered. 'Today was a harsh reminder to me how quickly the lives of those I care about can be taken away and I don't want to spend forever wondering 'what if'…'
'Chakotay, are you sure you want to be having this conversation?' she responded, unable to actually answer his question.
'Are you asking that to avoid hurting my feelings, or because you can't remember that we've had this conversation before and managed to return to normal when everything ended?' he asked.
Oh he was going to bring that up too? They had literally never discussed New Earth, but he wanted to bring it up now, in the midst of all their emotions?
But he was right, they had managed to return to normal. Although she wondered if he actually understood…
'Do you know how hard it was for me to give that up?' she whispered. 'To look at you on the Bridge and pretend like nothing had changed between us? It broke my heart, Chakotay. And I hadn't realised you had that power over me…'
She took a deep breath, closing her eyes.
'I was using Mark as an excuse, but I'm also so afraid that I'll let you in and I'll lose you,' she continued. 'That you'll decide you love someone else, or that you'll be taken from me in battle, that I'll have to choose between the right thing and you. And I'm not even sure I can make that decision now, let alone if we were together.'
'Kathryn, I want us to try,' he replied. 'If the feelings are there what does it matter if we make the conscious decision to act on them or not? It won't change how we react in a dangerous situation.'
He was right. Of course. He usually was, and it was getting harder with each passing moment not to fall for the mix of charming relaxed and desperate pleading in his eyes.
And then he didn't give her the choice to think about it any further, as he pressed his lips against hers lightly for a moment, testing the waters.
His lips tasted like alcohol, a mix of the wine, whatever he'd had in his flask and the synthehol from the party. And she knew hers would taste the same.
Oh god, she was actually kissing him. Or more to the point, he was kissing her.
She had expected panic, fear, but all she felt was longing, relief, wanting him to pull her closer, let them become completely a part of each other.
She let her lips move against his, his tongue softly finding hers, his lips soft, loving, everything she had imagined them to be –
And then he pulled back, stepping away from her and turning around.
'I'm sorry,' he said urgently. 'I let my emotions get the better of me. That was inappropriate.'
She grabbed his arm and pulled him back around, kissing him this time, with far more aggression than a few moments earlier.
Then she pulled away.
She could see her own fears reflected in his eyes and she realised this was as terrifying for him as it was for her, and somehow that was a comfort.
And she laughed.
Because she had no other way to react.
A large smile cracked across his face.
'We're like a pair of teenagers,' she finally said.
This time when she looked up at him, the look she saw in his eyes wasn't one of lust or desire, but of love. And it seemed so familiar that she wondered how long he had been looking at her that way and she just hadn't registered what it was.
'I'm okay with that,' he replied softly.
This time when they kissed there was no pulling away.
An hour later she found herself lying awake, his warm, naked body pressed up against hers, his lips lightly touching the back of her head and his arm lying around her waist.
She knew he was still awake, she could hear it in his breathing.
Slowly she turned to face him.
His eyes shot open at the movement and she could see the tears welled up in them. She wondered how long he had been lying there, trying to hide that he was crying.
'Oh Chakotay,' she whispered, placing a hand on his cheek. 'I wish I could do something to take your pain away.'
'It just doesn't seem right, that I'm allowed to be here, to be happy, and they're all gone.'
Unable to find any words to comfort him, she used her thumb to wipe a stray tear away from under his eye and he seemed to take that as permission to let the tears flow freely.
So she held him as he cried himself to sleep, feeling her heart break for this man who was always there for her.
Knowing all she could do for him was the same.
It wasn't until his tears stopped and his breathing slowed that she gave herself permission to fall asleep.
When she woke in the morning he was gone, but there was a handwritten note lying in the bed next to her.
Thank you.
Dinner at mine tonight after shift?
Love,
Chakotay
She almost felt guilty at how broadly she smiled as she read it.
Love.
But it wasn't until she walked onto the bridge and saw the honest smile on his face that she knew everything was going to be just fine.
'Morning, Captain,' he said.
Although somehow he always managed to make 'Captain' sound a little too close to 'Kathryn'.
'Good morning, Commander,' she replied, returning his smile.
She barely managed to keep her eyes off him that day, the thought of his hands on her body, of his lips against hers, completely removing any ability she had to concentrate on her work.
And while the Kathryn Janeway of the past would have chastised her for it, she had never been so happy in her entire life.