Years have passed since he walked into my life, like a breath of fresh air on a hot humid day. The pain in my cheat hurts as I think of him. My wound has never healed. I have become accustomed this pain. It is part of me, an extension of my body parts. The hole in my heart is just as predominant as my lungs. It feels and feeds off my thoughts and just like my head sometimes aches, so does this hole. I can still feel his eyes over me as he tried to remember my name 5 minutes after we were introduced. I sit now torn between reality and what once was when he stood by me. Looking back I can see where I went wrong, but how I change the past? How can I make him see? His voice alone in my head is a constant reminder of what could have been my life next to the most perfect man. His touch was soft, his kisses like heaven, and after that who can compare anything or anyone else. In the darkness, in my personal hell, I contemplate what should have been, if I would have chosen the right way. Now I sit an empty shell, living but barely breathing, walking but not looking, and most importantly not feeling anything. How can someone who had it all now be destined to walk the earth alone? After I walked on a cloud with him, today I feel I walk on stone. Everything hard; not one thing like his touch.

Tears run on my cheek, just another night. Like every other night I lay in my bed, I soak the pillow silently and my eyes dry only after an entire night of pain and agony and I give in only to pure exhaustion. My mind sometimes wanders in how it felt…

He lived in a small apartment close to his parents' mansion. He never let the money he had change his values in life and was disgusted on how his family flaunted how much to all of society hey had. He chose to live alone and when meet him I thought he was just a man.

I was so wrong…he was never just a "man".

"How could I be so stupid?" I say squeezing my pillow while my hand wonders in my deepest place. I want to cry out his name and scream so he hears me. For a moment I feel his lips on mine and just that instant my eyes open to see my pillow on my face. I wish there was someway to make his face, his existence, leave my mind.

We meet at work on my first day as an administrator in a housing complex. He was a very good-looking--to say the least, inspector for the Housing Dept that I worked for. He was involved with many women so had heard. Somewhat of a ladies man and recently had broken up with the last one he met me. I was to be the manager of a very big facility and he had to do all the inspections with me by his side. I think I still feel his touch the first time he touched my hand. That memory is burned inside me like a hot iron against my chest. He was so warm and very intuitive to what I needed at that time in my life.

His name was Edward. I am Bella, and I was complete…so I thought.

I was a young single mother of a 3 month daughter whose father had abandoned us. He fulfilled my every need as a friend and when things got tough he was there. I can tell you in my life still I have never felt so contempt, he completed and complemented my life. When things between us got more than friendly he was like a drug to me...my own personal brand of heroin. I could not get enough of him.

I did not know that faithful day I was to meet my true love, my soul mate, my everything.

His room was small and even thought he could afford all the luxuries, he valued only this room with a red blub in the lamp and his remote controlled stereo. He walks out of the bathroom cross between wet and dry and asks me if I'm hungry.

"No, why you gonna eat with me?" We had gone out to eat but he never ate anything…

"No love, just checking on you, I ate at my parents' house earlier. You sleepy…?"

"Yeah, really tired..." Who could be tired, looking at him was multiplying the best male model by 100. He knew I was teasing. He looks in the baby's stroller and strokes her face (seems like he smells her sometimes), tucks her in, and kisses her foot. I know that was the queue that he was ready for bed. He looked at my little girl like a small mini-me and I think he loved her enough for what she needed and always tried to make up for what he knew she did not have.

As he turned the lights off and reached for the remote to turn on the music he liked to sleep to, the butterflies start to flutter in my stomach knowing that soon my rescue will come. Soon he will have all of my body covered in his smell and I can finally exhale. Sometimes the need for each other building all day would make this point very animal like and caresses would come after the waterfall of raw emotion and lust. Sometimes he lay next to me looking in my eyes, saying nothing and telling me everything. Most times he would bring me close to him and just whispers in sweet things in my ear. Laughter and conversation would quietly fill the room till sun up and happiness was abundant.

The first time he said the words that haunt me now, I will never forget. "Bella, I love you…are you sure about this, I mean we could wait, we don't have to do this tonight?" I never understood why he felt the need to make an honest woman of me, now that my child's father had abandoned me. He wanted to marry me, add to my already present family. He said he was afraid to loose control... My reservations were that I did not know any thing of him. He kept his life secret and I did not know anything he did not tell me. He would get angry and say that his family did not have to know about me and my daughter. The agony I saw in his eyes the day I suggested him being ashamed of me told me his reasons did not lay within me. I knew there was more to know but relied to much on his constant affection to push the issue. "Make love to me, please" I whispered as I softly kissed his neck.

Pain crashes down and euphoria between pain and pleasure wash over me. My finger lingers…my eyes close and world crashes again. Pain. Agony. Regret.

There is just such a fine line between sanity and insanity. I live in that gray area sometimes one side more than others…

His name was Edward, he was an inspector and he was a vampire.

I am Bella, nobody, broken, incomplete, and full of remorse that fills my hole daily.