The barn was hot and sticky. My head was dizzy and my hands were shaky.
My hearts were heavy with the weight of the world and the many, many lives that I was about to take.
I set down the large, heavy, terrible mechanism.
The moment had come.
After tinkering for a moment, the mechanism started to gently tick and click as it began to open. The sides turned opaque and after a few more clicks a large ruby button shot out the top. It was gaudy and god like.
I guess, if I had been it's inventor I would want it to be beautiful if it was the last thing seen by a galaxy before its death.
If there is a higher power, a grater divinity, why did it not help.
Here I stand moments away from burning all of my kind.
Moments in time flashed by, and I knew that the moment was trying to make me rethink my decision to burn Gallifrey.
Mothers crying, holding their children.
Children being struck down by Daleks.
Timelords burning Daleks.
Daleks burning children.
I saw a monster.
The most terrible beast.
Me.
I awoke screaming, my legs thrashing about.
"Doctor! Doctor calm down! It's okay, I am right here! You're okay! You're okay", River said with wild eyes.
I stiffened and looked over at her, my face wet with a cold sweat.
She was sitting up and her hair was everywhere.
"Sorry", I mumbled before turning over so she could no longer see my face.
She was still for a moment before laying down. She wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her head in the crook of my neck, before laying a comforting peck on my jaw.
"Do you want to talk about it Sweetie?", she asked, her voice slightly muffled.
"I killed them. I burned them-", I started but broke down into sobs.
River tightened her grip on me as she rolled me into and embrace and began stroking my hair.
"Shh. Shh. Shh", she said as I tried unsuccessfully to recompose myself, "It's alright. Cry.".
I sobbed until the tears no longer came. River laid by me patiently as she allowed me to grieve, her support never faltering.
When I finally had calmed enough to speak I said in a very small whisper into her hair, "Thank you".
She raised my head and looked me straight in the eyes, "You have more a reason to cry than entire galaxies, but the traumas of your past are not who you are. They are a reminder of who you were. In the days where no choice was good, you always picked what you thought was the best solution. Doctor you can not let yourself be dragged down by the things that you couldn't control. Gallifrey burned, Doctor, you have to move on", she said.
"I burned it River, I could control that", I said my throat raspy.
"Could you really?", she sighed, "I don't think is was as simple as that my love".
I was quiet The truth was I could not remember everything, but that's what happens when you regenerate, you loose certain things. I had snippets and the only time I saw more was in my nightmares.
"Doctor you need to move on", River said as she rubbed my cheek.
I let out a sad sigh.
"I love you Sweetie", River said and turned so that we were spooning.
I nuzzled into her hair and held her tight.