Naruto Uses his Dick as a Scooter
The mission was going to plan. Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke had tracked down the rogue ninjas from the Hidden Weed Village by following the extremely obvious plume of smoke bellowing out from the forest. The plan was to infiltrate their base by pretending to be sperm-thirsty whores so Naruto and Sasuke used the Transgender Jutsu while Sakura did nothing to change anything about herself whatsoever. It was like taking candy from an unsupervised retarded infant.
The three Weed Ninjas were some pretty ghetto ass looking mutha fuckas with big old afros. They looked pretty fucken gangsta. They were also high as fucking shit from smoking mad blunts all day after a hard day of committing felonies. Oh and they were black. The three Leaf Ninjas took turns making suggestions on how to take these niggas out. Sakura recommended that her companions go away and allow the Weed shinobi to triple penetrate her. From there, she argued, her multiple venereal infections would scab over their bodies and disintegrate them in a matter of hours. This plan was rejected as it was stupid and a disgrace to God's will. Naruto cupped a noxious fart into his hand and wafted it into his face. He groaned in pleasure and got a half boner. This plan was also rejected.
"Step aside fools!" Said Sasuke stepping out into the open.
"Oh sheiiit niggaa" said one of the Weed ninjas.
Sasuke made a series of offensive looking hand signs
"Water Style: Watermellon Jutsu!"
A poof of cloud appeared and disappeared. Then there was a giant faggot-ass watermellon in the middle of everything. The Weed Ningas devoured the thing in second flat.
"Fuck You!" Screamed Sasugay and when he did he raised his middle dick. The three Weed ninjas exploded and the forest contracted HIV.
"I have always found that my farts smell the sweetest at the break of dawn during a double rainbow."
Abraham "Tit-rapist" Lincoln
Later that day the three were enjoying some Ramen. Halfway through the meal Sakura's gaping vagina swallowed the stool she was sitting on. "Well I'm done with this" said Sasuke and he went home to masturbate.
"It was getting dark out Naruto!" Said the ramen man adding semen to his next dish. It was pretty good actually.
"You're right Horacio. It's time I found greener pastures. I wanted to be Hokage but now I realize that wanting is the source of suffering. I shall not want. I shall lay down in green fields singing silent masterpieces of praise to my lord. So long Horacio and I thank you for your nourishment over all these
years. It is time I cut loose the bonds of unrequited passion I have felt to the Leaf Village and find my own path in this life away from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I fare thee well." Said Naruturd.
He then pulled down his orange trousers. His dick grew to the size of a small dog. He heaved himself over it straddling his own hog like it were a horse. He put the key in the ignition and the engine started. He then scooted his sweet candy ass right out of Konoha a riding on his dick.
He tried some odd jobs. He moved to Bikini Bottom first got a job working with a sponge flipping patties. The sponge introduced him to a squirrel and Naruto had quite a sordid affair with her for several months. This did not last however. After months of nagging to visit her parents in Texas he ended it. He moved in with the sponge but decided to leave town after a week as he could no longer tolerate his roomate's insidious cocaine habit and the raucous buttsecks he would have with his neighbors.
He soon found himself working as a line cook in the Kitchens at Hogswartsfarts. He soon learned the plight of the house elves. He taught them how to hone their skills and taught them basic ninjutsu. They were grateful and soon elected him Big Cheese. He was unable to accomplish his goal of mobilizing them into an army and enslaving the wizards so instead he worked his way up the ladder and eventually took a post as a Japanese history professor at the school. A typical lecture went something like this:
"There were Samuris and shit then there was a big bomb and then the ninjas and rapist Bill Cosbone"
He eventually was offered a position as headmaster but refused and the rest is history at Hogsblast.
Naruto decided to return home. He had grown old and learned much but still was unable to grow a decent beard which, he had come to realize, was the real reason for his departure. He sat down at the Ramen booth again which was now run by Horatio's daughter, Horatio Jr.
"Remember the last time you were here and your friend's cooter ate one of our stools?" She asked. "Well we still haven't been compensated for that."
"My apologies" said Naruto and promptly payed 20 rupees for the stool.
He went home and microwaved some ramen too embarrassed to order anything from Horatio Jr. "I wonder what is on TV tonight. He flipped through the channels until he found his olde sponge friend snorting coke off a fat hooker's tits on TMZ. Uninterested he turned off the tube and got into bed.
Sakura was there. "I finally got that stool removed" she said sexgestively. "I'm really glad you came home."
Wanting to escape the situation Naruto tried to think of something to say "I need milk. I should go to the st—". Butt it was too late.
A malformed and hideous serpent erupted from Sakura's loins and grabbed hold of Naruto's head. He suffocated in agony a a stream of pure herpes and aids oozed over his face and down his nose and throat. Needless to say, that nigga dead. His body was returned to Hogwarts to be buried with distinction and the snake in Sakura's ass became Voldemort and killed Superman's parents. The end.