Shades of Grey

This Thing of Ours

So I'm not sure how this turned out. I'm not usually one for so little dialogue but for the first chapter in this fic I figured that I'd try something more introspective. I was listening to Give You What You Like by Avril Lavigne while writing this which I think goes really well with the darker side of their relationship. This particular chapter didn't get too dark in of itself but the point remains. Anyways I hope you like it and we'll see where I go from here with future one shots.

The first time it happened she had been surprised by the gentleness of the whole thing. This was Kylo Ren, apprentice of Supreme Leader Snoke and feared Knight of Ren, and she was the Jedi knight who had only made his life a living hell since they met, even before she was formally trained by Luke Skywalker. He had committed countless atrocities across the galaxy in Snoke's name and she had personally watched him strike down his own father. Conventional wisdom would probably tell her that she was crazy for even being so close to him, but things between them had never been conventional.

This time it was apparent just from the look in his eyes as they met her own from across the battlefield that they were thinking the same thing. They stared at each other for a good ten minutes before he started advancing towards her, his movements so quick and deliberate that he almost seemed inhuman in that moment. Before she even had time to fully compose herself he was on her with his weapon drawn. She ignited hers to meet his and as their dueling columns of blue and red light clashed in the practiced dance that they had perfected over the years the entire rest of the battlefield fell away and it was only them. The rank and file troops on the ground around them would only see two enemies throwing strike after strike at each other in a battle that could possibly end in one of their deaths, but they both knew the truth; there wasn't even a remote sense of danger in their encounters anymore.

Now, as they made their way slowly towards a half destroyed structure that would provide them with the proper privacy, she only felt anticipation for what would happen next. This time there was no surprise as she found herself pressed against a wall with his hands and mouth all over her body. This time there was no fear about letting Kylo Ren this close to her without proper means to defend herself. Because now she knew Ben Solo and Ben Solo would never hurt her. Now she looked forward to his gentleness as they made the best of the makeshift situation that sex in the middle of a raging battle offered two people who were supposed to be sworn enemies.

They had to be quick, if they took too long there was no doubt in either of their minds that their troops would come looking for them and neither relished in the possibility of getting caught. She wondered sometimes what the others would say if they ever found out about their little trysts. Snoke would probably either lable him a traitor and order him executed or attempt to work the situation to his own advantage; in his own mind of delusions he still thought that he could one day have them both under his thumb. The rest of his comrades in the First Order would probably do much the same if for no other reason than to save their own skins.

Finn and Poe would probably look at her like they didn't recognize her, betrayal written all over their faces. She didn't want to hurt them but this was her life and she wasn't going to be held back from doing what she wanted because of their own inability to understand. Luke and the rest of the old guard from the initial war against the empire were hard to read at times and even after years of being under their command and enjoying their friendship she wasn't sure about their feelings most of the time. They probably wouldn't approve but beyond that she couldn't be certain. This was why they had so carefully crafted the dance that they had on the battlefield with their light sabers, so no one else would suspect a thing.

If they were ever discovered there were the inevitable questions that would be asked. Was it just sex? Was he using some sort of mind trick to take advantage of her? The short answer was no on both counts, but she knew that no one would ever leave it at just that. But where do you start with a relationship as complicated as theirs. The tension had been there since the first time they met. They both had similar feelings of fear, self loathing, and loneliness that the others wouldn't be able to understand even just looking at them separately. Finn and Poe tried in that friendly way that they went about everything and maybe to an extent she could give it to them that they did understand in their own way because of their own experiences, but they never truly got it. Of course Luke had similar issues and often tried to talk about them to her in that way that teachers always do, imparting wisdom and their own experiences on the younger generation without ever actually helping. Ben's situation was even worse and she loathed to think about him talking about his problems with General Hux, Captain Phasma, or Snoke himself.

While neither of them were particularly good with words they understood each other better than anyone else ever could. At first they rarely talked at all and instead spoke with their actions. Words were so easily muddled between two broken individuals such as themselves and could easily get lost behind the masks that each of them put up. No, they didn't do words, they did actions and it's often said that actions speak louder than words anyways so they must have been doing something right.

It makes it all the more special now when he says, "I love you Rey," as he turns to grab his cloak from the ground.

"I love you too Ben Solo," she returns with a smile. "So much."

"Stay safe," he says before he moves to give her one final kiss goodbye.

"The same goes for you," she says as she watches him leave.

No, this thing that they had wasn't conventional. Most of their friends and comrades probably wouldn't understand it. But this thing was theirs and in the end their opinions were the only ones that mattered.

On a side note I'd just like to say that I'm not really a Finn/Poe shipper so don't expect to see them popping up all over this fic unless the narrative and inspiration take me in that direction.