"so...-and I feel weird saying this- but would you mind being my girlfriend?"
would you mind being my girlfriend
I almost laugh, but I just catch myself. I can tell he's totally serious - in an awkward, nervous way. Normally Peeta's so good with words, so this awkward statement surprises me.
Not just how it's phrased but what it's asking...he caught me totally off guard, food in my mouth & everything.
If he feels weird asking, he can't imagine how weird I feel as the receiver. I've never been asked this question in my entire life; never wanted to be. And I definitely never expected it from Peeta. I try to process the what, where, when, why as the seconds pile up since it left his lips. I can tell the silence is killing him, but this is so much to take in. I'm staring back at him with a blank expression as I try to think about what he's asking. I always told myself I would never agree to such a thing unless I was sure it was worth the risk. I never even considered dating at all until recently, because Prim insisted that she just "wanted to see me happy," with someone. And of course, I just want to see her happy. I don't want to waste time with heartbreak & tension filled friendships, but when it comes to Prim's happiness, I find myself doing these things. Things I would never do otherwise. I try to think about him, about my interactions with him, about whether or not this would ultimately be a horrible decision, but I can hardly form a clear thought about it. I start to feel the heaviness in the silence and the pressure gets to me.
"Sure, I guess."
That was my voice. Those are his lips curving into a smile. His blue eyes trying to look into mine. I turn away.
I shouldn't have said anything. I should've let myself take the time I need to think it through, even if it costs some awkward silence. Wait. No, I should've asked for time to think. Bid him goodnight with a promise of sleeping on it. Peeta & I have become such good friends in the last few months, & the last thing I want to do is throw it out on the line without hardly a thought. I don't even feel that way for him, do I? How would I even know?
I should've asked for time. Instead, I lost my grip. And I have no idea how to get back.
Knowing I can't take those words back, I add a few more that I like better.
"...As long as you don't try any 'Facebook Official' crap."
I try to make it clear with my voice that I'm 100% serious. I don't need all those comments on how proud everyone is of me for actually getting a boyfriend, how happy they are for us, or even how sweet Peeta is.
Somehow, my statement makes him smile wider. He even laughs.
"Agreed. No need to broadcast it," he says, shaking his head slightly at the thought.
Peeta's isn't quite what I imagined my boyfriend to be, but he'll definitely pass.
/
We leave the doughnut shop shortly after. I told him I had work in the morning & wanted to get to bed. This is true, but I'll probably end up getting to bed late anyway, with Delly as my roommate.
I agree to let him walk me back to my room though. It's a little different now. Walking with Peeta, I mean. There's less distance between us, and I can feel the back of his hand grazing mine as we make our way down the hall. I guess my agreeing to be his potential partner gave a him sense of confidence, or comfort. It doesn't really bother me, though, when I don't think of it that way. The way that involves him having feelings for me. It's funny, when you consider that I agreed to be his girlfriend.
As we approach the door, I realize how many different awkward & terrible directions this parting could go. What if he tried to kiss me goodbye? I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure I'm ready for anything.
By the time we've reaches the door, I decide I must take charge. I walk ahead of him, reaching the door just before he does & grab the handle. This way, I'm ready to make a quick escape if need be. I turn back to him, meaning to say a nice - but quick - goodbye, but end up just staring up at him as he looks down at me, a little taken aback by my strange behavior.
"Uh, well, good-" he starts.
"I suppose I would either hug you or kiss you on the cheek about now," I blurt out. Was that supposed to be a joke?
He chuckles under his breath, his blonde locks falling over his face. I might ask him to get a haircut soon, 'cause the urge to move it out of his face is overpowering. This time, I hold back.
"Or I would kiss your hand charmingly, taking your breath away as I walk away mysteriously," he jokes.
He's got that look about him now, that sort of goofy grin that covers his features in a lighthearted air. Seeing him with that look on his face makes me feel stupidly happy, & I can't help but return a smile.
"You know what? To heck with gender roles," I say, literally pulling one of his hands out his pocket & kissing the top of it. Letting his hand slip out of mine, I open the door, keeping my gaze on him as I wink. I start to close the door behind me as I exit, attempting to be "mysterious" as I let it close slowly.
I hear his laughter from behind the door, but I don't open it back up. I'm not sure what to think about what I just did, but right now all I can do is laugh along with Peeta as the ever-growing feeling of embarrassment steals my happiness. What the heck was that?
Well, it was better than dodging a kiss.