TITLE: Night - Post Scene to Insurrection.
AUTHOR: Lynne Facella
CATEGORY: Carter & Benton Friendship
SPOILERS: Episodes through Insurrection
SUMMARY: A nightmare sends Carter to see his former teacher..
DISCLAIMER: All ER characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, etc., etc.
EMAIL: Mulderette@aol.com or Lynne1919@aol.com
Carter watched helplessly as the scene unfolded before his eyes. Deb trapped in the arms of an enraged drug seeker...a gun held to her head. He was absolutely paralyzed, powerless to do anything to help her. This wasn't happening...it couldn't be happening... There was a sudden commotion and everything seemed to happen in an instant. A flash of light, the sound of a gunshot and when it was all over...Deb was lying on the floor in a puddle of blood. He sank onto his knees beside her, cradling her in his arms as he let out an anguished scream. "Nooooo!"
*****
He sat up in bed, his heart pounding. His eyes flitted around the room as he realized where he was, safe inside his apartment. Deb was okay...she was safe...She almost hadn't been...It had been an unbelievably close call, but she was. He looked over to the other side of his bed where Abby should have been, but all he saw was an empty space. He guessed girl's night out had turned into girl's morning out or maybe she'd ended up going back to her own place.
Thrusting the covers aside, he slowly swung his legs over to the side of the bed and got to his feet. He was wide awake now and somehow he just knew that sleep would be lost to him for the rest of the night. He walked towards the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, but none of the contents inside appealed to him and he quickly closed the door again. He wandered into the living room and sat down on the couch. He reached for the remote control and turned on the television, needing to have the comfort of other people in the room, even if it was only voices and images on the screen.
His thoughts returned to the horror show that had taken place in the ER the day before. Fucking crazy people... He just hadn't been able to take it anymore. Bad enough that Sobriki had attacked he and Lucy with a knife obtained in the ER, but people carrying in guns, being able to maim and kill at will...it just wasn't right and it needed to stop. He wasn't sorry for what he had done. Someone had to do something. Someone had to take a stand.
He jumped at the sudden sound of a gunshot and his eyes turned to the t.v. where a man with a gun was running from something or someone. He shivered slightly as he quickly turned the television off. He didn't want to see what crime the man had committed or a body lying on the ground. He'd seen enough of that in his nightmare.
Feeling restless, he got up from the couch and walked over to the window. He pulled aside the drapes and glanced down at the street below. All was quiet. Nothing seemed amiss. He turned away from the window with a sigh, once again wishing that Abby was here. He didn't feel like being alone right now. Then again...maybe it was better that she didn't see him like this. He'd managed to keep it together pretty well this afternoon. He'd been angry and determined to see the security issue through. Now though, in the middle of the night, he felt much more vulnerable. It was why he had suffered from his bouts of insomnia after the attack by Sobriki. The nights were always the hardest...the many nightmares he'd suffered...the sleepless nights when he'd let his thoughts overwhelm him and would be too frightened to even try to close his eyes. It still happened sometimes, though nowhere near as often. When it did though, when the nightmares were especially vivid and disturbing, they affected him just as much as they had right after the attack.
He walked back to the kitchen and absently started opening and closing drawers, cabinets, and the refrigerator once again. His heart was beating much more quickly than usual and he couldn't keep the memories and images that kept popping into his head at bay. Hell he couldn't even count the number of times people had come into the ER with guns. He'd almost had his head blown off himself when some girl had come in and killed a patient he had been about to transport to surgery. It seemed it was always something. Was it so wrong that he wanted to be protected? That he wanted his co-workers and the patients to be protected as well? He shuddered to think what could have happened today. Just a matter of a little bit of pressure on the trigger and Deb could have been dead...or Abby...or any one of them...
Realizing it wasn't helping him to be stuck in the apartment, he went back to his bedroom and quickly changed into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. He went back to the living room, grabbed his keys and wallet and left the apartment. A few minutes later he was in his jeep and on the road.
*****
He drove steadily for almost an hour, but once he arrived at his destination, he had no idea at all why he had come. He'd been here only a couple of times before, but not recently...and certainly not at 3 o'clock in the morning. What on earth was he thinking? Wearily he rested his head on the steering wheel, totally at a loss as to what he was doing and why he had come.
He wasn't sure how long he stayed that way, immersed in his thoughts, but he was totally unprepared for the sharp rapping against the window of his jeep. Startled, he jumped and turned anxiously towards the window. His rapidly beating heart started to slow a little when he saw the familiar face of his former teacher. He began to roll down the window, not quite sure how he was going to explain his presence.
"Carter? What the hell are you doing here?" Peter Benton asked, looking incredulously at the younger man. He was just returning home from the hospital after a very rare late shift and he had been somewhat rattled at the sight of Carter's jeep parked in front of his home.
"I...I..." Carter couldn't find the words to begin to explain and he finally bowed his head, shrugging helplessly. "I don't know why I'm here..."
Peter shook his head and put his hand gently on Carter's shoulder. "Come on, Carter. Get out of the jeep. Come on inside."
Carter was about to protest, but he realized he would look like even more of an ass if he did. He nodded wordlessly, rolled the window back up again and slowly got out of the jeep.
Peter sighed softly to himself as he gestured for Carter to follow him up the walkway. He could just tell by the look in his eyes that something was upsetting him. Of course his presence outside Peter's house at 3 a.m. was another dead giveaway.
"You want a drink or something?" Peter asked as he turned on the living room light and Carter sat down on the couch.
"No...I'm fine, thanks." Carter mumbled, staring down at the beige carpeting beneath his feet. He felt like a jerk for coming here. Why hadn't he just shrugged the nightmare off and tried to go back to sleep like a normal person? What had he been thinking?
"Well...I think I need something...just came out of a long surgery." He went into the kitchen and returned a couple of minutes later with two glasses of water. "In case you change your mind," he said, placing one of the glasses on the coffee table in front of Carter. He then took a seat on the couch beside him and gave him a probing look, wondering what was wrong. "So...how are you doing?"
"I...I'm good. How are you?"
Peter rolled his eyes. If it wasn't the middle of the night and he wasn't so tired, he might have a little bit more patience, but he wasn't in the mood to play guessing games. "Carter...come on man... I know there's something wrong."
Nervously biting his lip, Carter met Peter's eyes and haltingly started to speak. "There was this guy in the ER today...a drug seeker...with a gun. Anyhow, he grabbed Deb, had that gun pressed up against her head and..." Seeing the look of shock come across Peter's face, Carter shook his head hastily. "No...no. He didn't hurt her. She's okay."
Relieved, Peter let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and nodded reassuringly at Carter. "Go on."
"Anyhow...without going into details, the situation was resolved. Deb was fine...Everyone was fine...I even managed to get Kerry to okay metal detectors for the ER."
"But?" Peter knew there was a but coming. There had to be or Carter wouldn't be here.
"I thought I was okay...I really did, but I had a nightmare and...I just kind of got freaked out..."
"Come on man...Everyone has nightmares. It's natural after something like that happens."
"No..." Carter clasped his hands in front of him and shook his head. "No...the way I feel. It isn't natural. It's not. I just...Whenever something bad happens...I just...I go back to the attack and...I just can't get it out of my head. I...I get so scared...too scared. I don't want to be like this...I hate being like this."
"You're being too hard on yourself, Carter...You're a doctor. You know as well as anyone that this kind of stuff doesn't just go away. You're so much better than you were. Look at all you've gone through...how far you've come. You just...you can't let it get you down. You had a rough day, but it's over now. You just have to move past it and go on."
"I just...I don't know why it still bothers me so much. It's been over two years."
"Carter...it happened to you. That's why it bothers you. Don't you think it bothered other people too? Hell, the day it happened, I was scared shitless. I thought we were going to lose you. You don't think I had my share of nightmares after it happened? Man I bet if you ask anyone who was there that day, they would tell you that it affected them deeply."
Carter nodded silently. On some level, he knew that what Peter was saying was right and he knew he was doing better, but on a night like this after what had happened in the ER, it wasn't always easy to believe.
At that moment a little blur ran into the room. A sleepy-looking Reese, wearing blue pajamas with sailboats on them, ran into his father's arms.
"Hey Reese." Peter lifted his son into his lap and signed as he spoke. "What are you doing up?"
The little boy signed back to his father and Peter smiled, kissing his forehead. "I missed you too. Say hello to Carter."
"Hi, Reese," Carter smiled and waved at the little boy who greeted him in sign language and then buried his head shyly against his father's chest.
"He's getting big," Carter said, observing the interaction between father and son. "You're a lucky man, Peter."
Noting the wistful tone in Carter's voice, Peter looked up and surveyed him briefly before speaking. "Yeah...yeah I am lucky, Carter, but...you'll have this too man, if it's what you want. I know you will."
Carter nodded, smiling as Reese closed his eyes, resting snugly in his father's embrace. "You know...Abby and I are seeing each other now...I think it's going pretty well."
"Hey man what is it about you and Abbys?" Peter asked with a chuckle, referring to Carter's brief affair with Abby Keaton. "No seriously, I think that's great, Carter. Really. I hope things work out for the two of you."
"Yeah...me too." Carter nodded and glanced at his watch. Shit, it was late. "You know...I think I'd better be going."
Peter nodded as he carefully shifted Reese off his lap and onto the couch. "You know, you can stay here if you'd like. We've got an extra bedroom."
"No thanks." Carter shook his head as he got to his feet. "I have an early shift in the morning. Don't want to risk getting caught in a ton of traffic."
"Okay." Peter stood up and led Carter to the front door, then walked with him back out to the street.
"So...you're okay?" Peter asked, standing a bit awkwardly as Carter fumbled in his pocket for the keys to the jeep.
"Yeah...I'm sorry for coming like this...it was stupid."
"No, it wasn't stupid, Carter. You know I'm here for you whenever you need me. I mean that."
"Thanks." He put his key in the lock and opened the door to his jeep, turning towards Peter again. "I'm glad things are going well for you here. I mean...I miss you, but I'm glad."
"You're going to be okay, Carter." Peter said, a little embarrassed by the sentiment Carter was expressing. He just wasn't good at expressing such things. "You know...you should come here some weekend for dinner. I'm sure Cleo would like to see you too. You could bring Abby."
Carter looked back at Peter, wondering if this was just a bit of small talk, something he was saying but didn't really mean, but he could see the sincerity in his eyes. "Sure...thanks. That'd be great. I'm sure Abby would like that too. Well...I guess I'd better go."
"You take care of yourself, Carter," Peter said, extending his hand to Carter and grasping it warmly. "I'll talk to you soon."
Carter nodded and got into his Jeep. "Thanks...I'll talk to you soon," he echoed. He put his key in the ignition and with a brief wave at Peter, he started to drive towards home. He still felt a little silly for having come out here in the middle of the night the way he had, but in retrospect it had all been for the best. He did feel better and he realized that he missed Peter more than he had known. It was nice to know that he was there if he needed him.
AUTHOR: Lynne Facella
CATEGORY: Carter & Benton Friendship
SPOILERS: Episodes through Insurrection
SUMMARY: A nightmare sends Carter to see his former teacher..
DISCLAIMER: All ER characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, etc., etc.
EMAIL: Mulderette@aol.com or Lynne1919@aol.com
Carter watched helplessly as the scene unfolded before his eyes. Deb trapped in the arms of an enraged drug seeker...a gun held to her head. He was absolutely paralyzed, powerless to do anything to help her. This wasn't happening...it couldn't be happening... There was a sudden commotion and everything seemed to happen in an instant. A flash of light, the sound of a gunshot and when it was all over...Deb was lying on the floor in a puddle of blood. He sank onto his knees beside her, cradling her in his arms as he let out an anguished scream. "Nooooo!"
*****
He sat up in bed, his heart pounding. His eyes flitted around the room as he realized where he was, safe inside his apartment. Deb was okay...she was safe...She almost hadn't been...It had been an unbelievably close call, but she was. He looked over to the other side of his bed where Abby should have been, but all he saw was an empty space. He guessed girl's night out had turned into girl's morning out or maybe she'd ended up going back to her own place.
Thrusting the covers aside, he slowly swung his legs over to the side of the bed and got to his feet. He was wide awake now and somehow he just knew that sleep would be lost to him for the rest of the night. He walked towards the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, but none of the contents inside appealed to him and he quickly closed the door again. He wandered into the living room and sat down on the couch. He reached for the remote control and turned on the television, needing to have the comfort of other people in the room, even if it was only voices and images on the screen.
His thoughts returned to the horror show that had taken place in the ER the day before. Fucking crazy people... He just hadn't been able to take it anymore. Bad enough that Sobriki had attacked he and Lucy with a knife obtained in the ER, but people carrying in guns, being able to maim and kill at will...it just wasn't right and it needed to stop. He wasn't sorry for what he had done. Someone had to do something. Someone had to take a stand.
He jumped at the sudden sound of a gunshot and his eyes turned to the t.v. where a man with a gun was running from something or someone. He shivered slightly as he quickly turned the television off. He didn't want to see what crime the man had committed or a body lying on the ground. He'd seen enough of that in his nightmare.
Feeling restless, he got up from the couch and walked over to the window. He pulled aside the drapes and glanced down at the street below. All was quiet. Nothing seemed amiss. He turned away from the window with a sigh, once again wishing that Abby was here. He didn't feel like being alone right now. Then again...maybe it was better that she didn't see him like this. He'd managed to keep it together pretty well this afternoon. He'd been angry and determined to see the security issue through. Now though, in the middle of the night, he felt much more vulnerable. It was why he had suffered from his bouts of insomnia after the attack by Sobriki. The nights were always the hardest...the many nightmares he'd suffered...the sleepless nights when he'd let his thoughts overwhelm him and would be too frightened to even try to close his eyes. It still happened sometimes, though nowhere near as often. When it did though, when the nightmares were especially vivid and disturbing, they affected him just as much as they had right after the attack.
He walked back to the kitchen and absently started opening and closing drawers, cabinets, and the refrigerator once again. His heart was beating much more quickly than usual and he couldn't keep the memories and images that kept popping into his head at bay. Hell he couldn't even count the number of times people had come into the ER with guns. He'd almost had his head blown off himself when some girl had come in and killed a patient he had been about to transport to surgery. It seemed it was always something. Was it so wrong that he wanted to be protected? That he wanted his co-workers and the patients to be protected as well? He shuddered to think what could have happened today. Just a matter of a little bit of pressure on the trigger and Deb could have been dead...or Abby...or any one of them...
Realizing it wasn't helping him to be stuck in the apartment, he went back to his bedroom and quickly changed into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. He went back to the living room, grabbed his keys and wallet and left the apartment. A few minutes later he was in his jeep and on the road.
*****
He drove steadily for almost an hour, but once he arrived at his destination, he had no idea at all why he had come. He'd been here only a couple of times before, but not recently...and certainly not at 3 o'clock in the morning. What on earth was he thinking? Wearily he rested his head on the steering wheel, totally at a loss as to what he was doing and why he had come.
He wasn't sure how long he stayed that way, immersed in his thoughts, but he was totally unprepared for the sharp rapping against the window of his jeep. Startled, he jumped and turned anxiously towards the window. His rapidly beating heart started to slow a little when he saw the familiar face of his former teacher. He began to roll down the window, not quite sure how he was going to explain his presence.
"Carter? What the hell are you doing here?" Peter Benton asked, looking incredulously at the younger man. He was just returning home from the hospital after a very rare late shift and he had been somewhat rattled at the sight of Carter's jeep parked in front of his home.
"I...I..." Carter couldn't find the words to begin to explain and he finally bowed his head, shrugging helplessly. "I don't know why I'm here..."
Peter shook his head and put his hand gently on Carter's shoulder. "Come on, Carter. Get out of the jeep. Come on inside."
Carter was about to protest, but he realized he would look like even more of an ass if he did. He nodded wordlessly, rolled the window back up again and slowly got out of the jeep.
Peter sighed softly to himself as he gestured for Carter to follow him up the walkway. He could just tell by the look in his eyes that something was upsetting him. Of course his presence outside Peter's house at 3 a.m. was another dead giveaway.
"You want a drink or something?" Peter asked as he turned on the living room light and Carter sat down on the couch.
"No...I'm fine, thanks." Carter mumbled, staring down at the beige carpeting beneath his feet. He felt like a jerk for coming here. Why hadn't he just shrugged the nightmare off and tried to go back to sleep like a normal person? What had he been thinking?
"Well...I think I need something...just came out of a long surgery." He went into the kitchen and returned a couple of minutes later with two glasses of water. "In case you change your mind," he said, placing one of the glasses on the coffee table in front of Carter. He then took a seat on the couch beside him and gave him a probing look, wondering what was wrong. "So...how are you doing?"
"I...I'm good. How are you?"
Peter rolled his eyes. If it wasn't the middle of the night and he wasn't so tired, he might have a little bit more patience, but he wasn't in the mood to play guessing games. "Carter...come on man... I know there's something wrong."
Nervously biting his lip, Carter met Peter's eyes and haltingly started to speak. "There was this guy in the ER today...a drug seeker...with a gun. Anyhow, he grabbed Deb, had that gun pressed up against her head and..." Seeing the look of shock come across Peter's face, Carter shook his head hastily. "No...no. He didn't hurt her. She's okay."
Relieved, Peter let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and nodded reassuringly at Carter. "Go on."
"Anyhow...without going into details, the situation was resolved. Deb was fine...Everyone was fine...I even managed to get Kerry to okay metal detectors for the ER."
"But?" Peter knew there was a but coming. There had to be or Carter wouldn't be here.
"I thought I was okay...I really did, but I had a nightmare and...I just kind of got freaked out..."
"Come on man...Everyone has nightmares. It's natural after something like that happens."
"No..." Carter clasped his hands in front of him and shook his head. "No...the way I feel. It isn't natural. It's not. I just...Whenever something bad happens...I just...I go back to the attack and...I just can't get it out of my head. I...I get so scared...too scared. I don't want to be like this...I hate being like this."
"You're being too hard on yourself, Carter...You're a doctor. You know as well as anyone that this kind of stuff doesn't just go away. You're so much better than you were. Look at all you've gone through...how far you've come. You just...you can't let it get you down. You had a rough day, but it's over now. You just have to move past it and go on."
"I just...I don't know why it still bothers me so much. It's been over two years."
"Carter...it happened to you. That's why it bothers you. Don't you think it bothered other people too? Hell, the day it happened, I was scared shitless. I thought we were going to lose you. You don't think I had my share of nightmares after it happened? Man I bet if you ask anyone who was there that day, they would tell you that it affected them deeply."
Carter nodded silently. On some level, he knew that what Peter was saying was right and he knew he was doing better, but on a night like this after what had happened in the ER, it wasn't always easy to believe.
At that moment a little blur ran into the room. A sleepy-looking Reese, wearing blue pajamas with sailboats on them, ran into his father's arms.
"Hey Reese." Peter lifted his son into his lap and signed as he spoke. "What are you doing up?"
The little boy signed back to his father and Peter smiled, kissing his forehead. "I missed you too. Say hello to Carter."
"Hi, Reese," Carter smiled and waved at the little boy who greeted him in sign language and then buried his head shyly against his father's chest.
"He's getting big," Carter said, observing the interaction between father and son. "You're a lucky man, Peter."
Noting the wistful tone in Carter's voice, Peter looked up and surveyed him briefly before speaking. "Yeah...yeah I am lucky, Carter, but...you'll have this too man, if it's what you want. I know you will."
Carter nodded, smiling as Reese closed his eyes, resting snugly in his father's embrace. "You know...Abby and I are seeing each other now...I think it's going pretty well."
"Hey man what is it about you and Abbys?" Peter asked with a chuckle, referring to Carter's brief affair with Abby Keaton. "No seriously, I think that's great, Carter. Really. I hope things work out for the two of you."
"Yeah...me too." Carter nodded and glanced at his watch. Shit, it was late. "You know...I think I'd better be going."
Peter nodded as he carefully shifted Reese off his lap and onto the couch. "You know, you can stay here if you'd like. We've got an extra bedroom."
"No thanks." Carter shook his head as he got to his feet. "I have an early shift in the morning. Don't want to risk getting caught in a ton of traffic."
"Okay." Peter stood up and led Carter to the front door, then walked with him back out to the street.
"So...you're okay?" Peter asked, standing a bit awkwardly as Carter fumbled in his pocket for the keys to the jeep.
"Yeah...I'm sorry for coming like this...it was stupid."
"No, it wasn't stupid, Carter. You know I'm here for you whenever you need me. I mean that."
"Thanks." He put his key in the lock and opened the door to his jeep, turning towards Peter again. "I'm glad things are going well for you here. I mean...I miss you, but I'm glad."
"You're going to be okay, Carter." Peter said, a little embarrassed by the sentiment Carter was expressing. He just wasn't good at expressing such things. "You know...you should come here some weekend for dinner. I'm sure Cleo would like to see you too. You could bring Abby."
Carter looked back at Peter, wondering if this was just a bit of small talk, something he was saying but didn't really mean, but he could see the sincerity in his eyes. "Sure...thanks. That'd be great. I'm sure Abby would like that too. Well...I guess I'd better go."
"You take care of yourself, Carter," Peter said, extending his hand to Carter and grasping it warmly. "I'll talk to you soon."
Carter nodded and got into his Jeep. "Thanks...I'll talk to you soon," he echoed. He put his key in the ignition and with a brief wave at Peter, he started to drive towards home. He still felt a little silly for having come out here in the middle of the night the way he had, but in retrospect it had all been for the best. He did feel better and he realized that he missed Peter more than he had known. It was nice to know that he was there if he needed him.