Chapter 1- So Clever, Whatever, I'm Done With These Endeavours
'I've done trying to impress you, make it up to you; whatever I've done for you it's never enough is it? You've pushed it too far and I am done with you, you're lies, your sick twisted smile- it's all over.'
If only I could tell him that, saying it to someone's face isn't the easiest thing to do. No matter how I try, no matter what I do he still makes me fall into the same trap I've been falling in for two years. I'd wait, he'd lie, I'd find out, I'd finish it, he starts shouting, I start crying, he starts hitting, I start bruising, he says sorry, I don't forgive him, he says another lie, and I fall for it. Every single time.
I can't help it, the way he smiles, the way his eyes shine, the way he says my name. Everything he does makes me fall even more in love with him, the only problem is when he starts to shout, starts to drink, starts to hit. But I try not to make him hit me, it's my fault he does. I know it's not true, I know I should leave him. But he'll find me, and beat me to death. And I'm so very, very scared.
Tonight when I got back to our flat room after getting home from work, he'd been drinking; I could smell the booze in the air. I could hear the slur in his voice, see the anger spark up a fight in front of my eyes as he stumbled from the kitchen to the living room where I sat, scared, on the sofa.
"W-Where have you been?" He stumbled out the words as he staggered over to me; I was frozen, paralysed to the spot.
"At work."
"Are you lying to me?" I didn't dare look at him, hardly dared to breathe.
"No."
"Lumina, you know, if you lie to me, I'm just gonna hit you harder." I felt myself start to shake, uncontrollably as I tried to suck in air from the atmosphere to calm my nerves.
"I'm not lying."
"You are," I dared to look at him, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye; "You were with him weren't you?"
"Who?"
"You bloody well know who."
"I-I don't know who you're on about." I was starting to stutter, when I stuttered he thought I was lying.
"Don't play dumb, you know who." I felt his breath on my neck and I instantly looked forward, as if one look at him would lock our eyes and he'd burn my insides with all the hate that bubbled up in him.
"I don't, I swear to God." My voice was shaky, then I felt the back of his hand collide hard with the side of my face, the force of his hand sent me flying off the sofa to the wooden floor.
"YOU WERE WITH HIM WEREN'T YOU?!" His voice was thunderous and I felt the tears roll down faster than ever before, I felt his hands grip the back of my shirt and turn me over to look up at him. He sat on my waist and pinned me down by holding my wrists to the floor.
"I wasn't I swear to God!" I barely choked out the sentence; it wasn't good enough for him. Punching my face, neck then my chest, the pain was unbearable.
"STOP LYING TO ME!" He yelled down at me as he picked me up off the floor before smashing me down on the glass coffee table. It shattered under my weight and the force from when I collided with it. The shards buried in my back and I felt the blood start to flow alongside the tears that flooded down my face.
"I'm not!" He grabbed the scruff of my shirt and pulled me close to his face; a sneer was on it and made my spine shiver with fear.
"You think you're so clever, you're just a stupid, spineless, scared little girl who needs to grow up." My eyes grew wide as I felt a sharp pain start in my left side; I looked slowly down at the piece of glass wedged in my side, blood splattered on the transparent glass, on his hand and it was seeping through my shirt. He backed away and looked down at the blood stained on his hands; he ran off to the kitchen and washed the blood off his hands. I knew what he did; he just stabbed me with a piece of glass shard. It hurt like hell but it was starting to dim down, either that or I'm loosing too much blood and I'm slowly dying. Every time I moved, the pain would come back, more aggressive then before. Tears streamed down my cheeks then I faintly heard a knock at the door, my boyfriend's panicked footsteps rushing to the locked wood before opening it.
"Yes?" His voice was shaky and I could vaguely see him shuffle to the side to block my rapidly bleeding body.
"Everything okay here, sir?" It was the police; I recognise the tone of the way the spoke.
"Yes, why would there be something wrong?" He was acting suspicious and would be caught out if he didn't get his cool back.
"We received calls from neighbours saying that there were loud smashing noises." My vision was starting to go blurry from the loss of blood; damn I was still bleeding and the air around me felt like it was being drained and not into my lungs.
"So, you wouldn't mind if we took a tour then, sir?" He was caught out and he knew it, I knew it and now the police had to move him by force.
"You can't come in." I kind of saw him move in their way so they couldn't get to me, if he wanted me dead he could've slit my throat and not just stab my side- but I was still bleeding to death.
"Sir, if you don't move, we'll have to move you by force." I heard the concern in the main officer's voice, he knew he was concealing something within our flat and he was anxious to find out what.
"You can't come in." He repeated; his words were almost spat out. I heard a stumble, a few 'OI's then warm hands placed on my shoulders and gently shaking me.
Chapter 2- Alone I Walk The Winding Way
I hadn't realised I had shut my eyes, the room was pictured perfectly in my mind but now as I opened them, I saw the worried face of two cops.
"Miss?" He asked, my mouth was dry and my throat felt like sandpaper, my hand was still over the wound, my fingers curled around the glass as if I was going to pull it out any second- but I didn't have the strength.
"Miss, stay awake." The second one said, phoning paramedics to come to my aid.
"I-I..." I tried to say something but I could barely breathe, the words wouldn't form and come out in a sentence, and the pain was taking over my body.
"Don't talk miss; you're hurt, help is on the way." The first one said, glancing down at the buried deep piece of glass still wedged and drawing blood in my side.
"Lou, the paramedics are on the way." The second cop said to the first, he nodded and stood up. He instructed the second to keep me awake until the paramedics arrived while he took care of my ex, I kind of heard him saying he was under arrest and then the sounds of him hand-cuffing him.
"Hold on, miss, the paramedics are nearly here." The second police officer smiled at me, I managed to smile back, only weakly though.
"T-Thank you..." I muttered, drawing in the right amount of breath to reply.
I could remember the paramedics burst in and rush to my side, scooping me up gently and onto a stretcher, whisking me off to the ambulance before racing off to the hospital. St Adam's hospital was a mile away and, being an ambulance, we got there quickly. Rushing through the doors and into a room they got to work on me, dosing me up on pain-killers before taking the shard of glass out. Using towels to stem the bleeding, but more spurted out when the glass was removed. I could hear the nurses and doctors saying it hit an artery or something; they quickly stitched me up and put more blood in me. Then, then the sedatives kicked in, knocking me into sleep world.
I would wake up now-and-then, see whiteness what was too bright, even at night, so I would shut my eyes and return to my sleep. Then one night, it was different, instead of being alone in my room, there was someone else. No one I knew, but he was sat in a visitor's seat, head rested back on the wall, eyes shut. I glanced around for the first time since being here, and then saw I was hooked up to a heart monitor and a life support machine. I guess I lost a lot of blood, I guess he really did want me dead...
I felt sick and shaky, but I had my voice and the stranger didn't seem dangerous, friendly in fact.
"Excuse me?" I asked softly, my voice was croaky though, lack of drink I guess. He woke up straight away, glanced over at me before yawning.
"You're awake." He smiled sweetly, happy I was up.
"And you're a stranger." I stated; his smile widened more.
"I've been looking after you, while you were asleep."
"Who are you?"
"My favourite question." He chuckled abit, he stayed in his seat but his joy that I was doing okay radiated over to my hospital bed where I stayed, looking at the stranger.
"Can you answer it?"
"You don't know me?"
"Would I be asking if I knew you?" His smile remained but the spark that ignited a fire in his eyes started to die down.
"The doctors said this might happen."
"What might happen?"
"When, when he cut you, you lost a lot of blood, like a lot of blood. The doctors were worried it was going to affect your brain, I guess it did."
"Can't you just tell me your name, instead of telling me what the doctors did?"
"Gerard, Gerard Way."
"I still don't know you."
"We're best friends, Lumina."
"Am I Lumina?"
"You don't know your own name?"
"I don't know anyone's name."
"Yes, your name is Lumina; Lumina Lunni- it's Romanian for 'moonlight'."
"That's very poetic, but why can't I remember my own name?"
"Memory loss."
"I don't like it, I want my memory back."
"I'll go get the doctors, ask if it's temporary or not." And with that, Gerard rose to his feet, smiled good-bye before going out the open door. I let my head fall back into the pillow before angling it to the side, so my cheek rested on the soft pillow's surface, looking at the clock; 10:45. I felt my eyelids get heavy and start to droop, but then Gerard and a doctor walked into my room, I looked at them with tired eyes.
"Hello, Lumina, how are you tonight?" The doctor asked, walking over to the seat nearly next to my bed.
"Tired, thirsty, confused, no memory- you?" I asked; I heard muffled chuckles from Gerard as the doctor's face turned into an expression of shock and un-expectation.
"Miss Lunii, do you remember anything of the past?" I shook my head; my past was like a blurred cover, like a black blanket covered my past. I feel like I have to start my life over again, walk the winding road of twisted life alone. No memory, nothing to help me.
Chapter 3- It's Over, No Longer
The doctor took Gerard outside my room, the door was open but I couldn't hear. From what Gerard had told me, we were pretty good friends, but I don't remember him. But I feel safe with him, it's a weird messed up feeling, trusting someone I can't remember.
"Gerard, I'm afraid Lumina's memory will stay like this for the rest of her life." Gerard's bottom jaw dropped a bit at the doctor's words.
"What?"
"You're going to look after her, help her build trust with her friends."
"The friends she can't remember?"
"Yes; and one very important thing you have to do."
"Anything, anything to help Lumina."
"Keep her away from Joey."
"Her boyfriend?"
"More like ex."
"Why?" He asked, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion.
"He's the one who did this to her."
"WHAT?!"
"Gerard, calm down." The doctor glanced around nervously as heads turned to look at the fuming Gerard; man was he fully packed with anger.
"HE DID THIS TO HER?!"
"Yes, can I trust you to keep her safe?"
"You have my word."
"Thank you."
"Can I take her home now?"
"Where is she going to stay?"
"At mine, she can't go home to the beast she called boyfriend." The doctor nodded before returning to my room, I was falling asleep but then as the two walked in I was suddenly alert.
"Lumina, you've been here for four months, you're doing fine and we've all agreed to let you go home."
"Home?" I asked, not thinking that was such a good idea.
"Yes, home."
"With who? I can't remember anything!"
"Gerard." I glanced over at Gerard.
"He's willing to let you go home with him, just for a while, until you can get on your own feet."
"Okay." I agreed.
After that the nurses got me ready to go back into the world, getting a bath ready for me before I left, giving me clothes to wear, letting me dry my hair. They were all so nice to me, so I kept the pain inside. The pain from my back and side stung like hell when I got in the bath but I felt refreshed instantly, like the water washed away all the sins. I got changed and dried my hair, thanking the nurses and doctors for looking after me before going with Gerard to his house.
Gerard's house is fairly big, but cosy. He lead me straight to my room after seeing I was tired, letting me use one of his shirts as a nightgown and giving me a glass of water incase I woke up thirsty. He was so sweet and thoughtful I felt safe with him, like he truly was more then my best friend. As I slept he said he was going to talk to Joey, who was the person who did this to me. He explained everything to me before I went to sleep; he said he was going to get him to leave me alone for the rest of my life.
Gerard walked to the police station and the cops let him speak to Joey, at one of those booth things with the window and telephone bits he sat opposite Joey. He picked up the cold plastic, put it to his ear like Joey and his voice trembled not with fear but with anger at the smug face of the guy who hurt his best friend.
"Gerard; didn't expect to see you here." Joey taunted, eyes glowing with the joy of annoying the man in front of him.
"Shut it." He spat at Joey, the anger of the thought that Joey used and abused Lumina made him sick.
"Where's Lumi? Still in hospital?" Joey smirked, if there wasn't a glass separating them, Gerard would be strangling him by now.
"She's out." Joey's eyes grew wide with shock.
"Where is she?"
"None of your business."
"It is; I'm her boyfriend."
"You stopped being her boyfriend the moment you slapped her around the face."
"She had it coming."
"Liar."
"She lied, saying she was somewhere we both knew she wasn't."
"She wasn't lying, she told you the truth."
"My bad." Joey sneered, Gerard could just punch him in his smug face- but he'll leave it to his cell mates to beat the crap out of him.
"Why are you here, Way?" Joey asked, not seeing the point of his visit.
"To tell you what Lumina couldn't."
"And what's that?"
"It's over," Gerard's voice was flat and had no tone, no emotion, "You can't hurt her any longer." He rose to his feet and left Joey sitting there, returning to the house he now shared with Lumina and locked the door. Retreating to his room, he finally had peace, knowing Joey couldn't hurt her any longer, knowing he had a mission to help Nicky gain trust in him once again. He lies back on the mattress and shut his eyes, smiling. Because, Gerard knew, for a fact, she will trust him. Because he will never give up on her, because he loves her.
Chapter 4- I Feel It Growing Stronger
As the days past, our bond grew stronger. I grew confidence in myself which reflected in the days to come, I knew and felt safe with Gerard because he promised me I'd be safe, he promised I'd be okay. As the days turned into months and as no fragments of my memory came back I knew I had to start again, I knew how to breath, eat, drink and other daily things. I needed to learn how to cook, clean properly, I knew things I learnt in school and all that stuff. But with Gerard's kindness towards me, taking me in and helping me I felt like a burden on him. So this is why I was in the kitchen, making pancakes for us. I wanted to give him a good breakfast for once, instead of it being the other way around.
Pouring the pancake mix into the heated pan I started to shape the pancake, giving it time to cook on one side before flipping it over to the other side. A nice stack of pancakes was now on the plate on the counter, turning the hobs off before taking the plate of pancakes to the little cooking island in the kitchen. I set out a nice table cloth with a cream background and golden lining, a pot of purple and blue roses in a clear vase as a centre piece. Bowls of blueberries, raspberries, strawberries and gooseberries surrounded the two plates in front of the wooden stools for the counter. A bottle of syrup sat beside the roses and two glasses filled with Tropicana juice were ready to be drunk. Re-arranging the flowers in the vase I heard a slight cough at the thresh hold; I turned to see Gerard in his pyjamas, smiling at the cooking island display.
"What's this?" He asked, walking over to stand next to me. I smiled and put my hands in my jeans pockets before glancing at the roses, then back to Gerard.
"I made breakfast." He beamed at me.
"How come?"
"I wanted to thank you, for everything." He smiled warmly before taking a seat on the wooden cushioned stool, picking up a pancake and putting it on his plate.
"This is really nice, thanks Lumi." I smiled, pleased with myself for pleasing Gerard. I sat next to him and sipped at my juice before taking a pancake from the stack and putting it on my own plate, putting lemon juice and sugar on it before rolling it up into a wrap like thing before munching on it. After Gerard had his first pancake he grinned at me.
"Wow, these are really good!"
"Thanks, glad you like them."
"Lumi, what's you're secret? These are soooooooo yummy!" He took another pancake and put some fruit in it, then putting it in his mouth and chewing.
"I'm just happy you like it." I smiled, the feeling of worry that washed over me as I was making them had gone, and the feeling was created by the fact that I was worried he wouldn't like them.
We finished the pancakes and fruit; I started to clean up as he went up stairs to shower and change for work. When he came back down I was on the sofa, everything cleaned and packed away.
"I'll be back later Lumi." He informed, I nodded and flicked through the channels.
"Okay, have a good day at work." I flashed a smile at him before he left, shutting and locking the door I kept the phone close- just incase I need the police or Gerard.
While he was gone, I kept thinking about our memories we shared. With my memory being so short Gerard was in every one, I liked having him near me. Having him close made me feel safer than before, I felt lost without him. Like I wasn't really here, then when he came back home, I'd feel complete again.
He's always there for me; recently I've been having nightmares, terrible things I can't repeat. I cry when I'm back in the real world, but Gerard's there, with a hug, kind words and a tissue. He doesn't care if I wake him up; he's just concerned weather if or not I'm okay.
I hate being clingy to him, but I need a proper friend near me. I need Gerard near me. I can't face the dark without him; I am with him, until the end.
I think I love him.
I've lived with him for ten months now, two months away from a year and I've really depended on him. He's my solid wall when mine came crashing down, I try to hide it, try not to show it, but my feelings give me away each and every day.
I had lost myself, my mind, my memories. I felt alone, to stand alone, a broken woman. But I have him; I have been given one more chance. I won't turn my back on him, if he falls then so will I.
I can't face the dark without him. The darkness that's in my heart and mind- and soul.
But, when I feel I'm close to his heart, him to mine, I feel the pain so familiar to my heart. The pain I can't forget, the burden of who made me like this, so this is why I can't be with him. The love he delivers; brings pain to me. But also happiness, I don't understand and it makes my head spin. I won't forget; I can't find my way without Gerard. I can't bare to face the truth that I need him, that he needs me, I can't bare to see me like this; broken.
I want to forget, I'm trying to forget, don't leave me here alone Gerard, I am with you, forever, to the end.
There's nothing left to lose, I need him with me. But I find myself holding a hand, a hand that holds me down, holds my voice down from speaking my feelings to him. When I'm with him, my heart and head have a battle; 'Tell him!' my heart says, 'No, don't!' My mind shouts. I'm screaming on the inside, trying to cover up the mental and physical wounds that were inflicted on me, which I can't hide. I find walls the lie between me and Gerard, stopping us being together. Like the saint within the sinner, I have lost the confidence to tell him. Maybe I should let my scars show, let the world see.
Chapter 5- White Walls Surround Us
Now a year has passed, we like each other, we just can't admit it. I am taking small steps, making breakfast by myself was a huge step for my mental state- but I did it. Now Gerard was taking me out to dinner, it was nine and dark outside. I got myself ready; in nice clothes I wouldn't daily use. And went down stairs, and saw Gerard smiling at me warmly. He melted my heart and sometimes makes it beat twice as fast, like I could hear his as well, the booming of the pulse coursing through his veins as we linked arms outside the house.
"Can you believe it's been a year?" I asked; a smile on my face.
"A perfect year." I blushed a bit; I felt my cheeks growing hotter as I burned red.
"You think so?"
"That's why I'm taking you out for dinner."
"Where are we going to eat?" We walked down the path to the town, the street lamps lit our way and the stars alongside the moon shone down on us as we walked together.
"The Golden Swan."
"Really?!" I asked in shock, from what I've heard from him and our best mate; Mikey, who was also Gerard's brother so we were pretty close, that the restaurant is extremely expensive.
"Only the very best for you."
"But, isn't it super expensive?"
"Good thing you're not paying then isn't it?"
"I'm not going to let you waste all your savings on me, Gee!"
"This is why I didn't tell you before; I knew you were going to do that!"
"Gerard, I don't want you to use all your money on me." I started to slow down, I didn't want him wasting his money he earned on me, and it just didn't feel right.
"Lumina, don't be silly, I want to spend it on you." Gerard said, seeing I wasn't comfortable with the situation. He stopped as soon as I broke the link our arms were in, he turned and saw how serious I was about the money situation.
"But it feels wrong, Gee." He smiled a bit before taking my hand.
"Lumi, it's for a special reason, and for a special girl, a best friend." I smiled a bit, he gave me butterflies and I wasn't going to take my hand back from his.
"But-"
"Will you stop saying but?" He chuckled, brushing a loose piece of my fringe out of my eyes.
"I feel wrong, for letting you spend your earned money on me."
"Lumina Olette Lunni, will you just let me give you a dinner out?"
"Okay, okay," I sighed, "I give up okay?"
"Yes." He grinned and led me down the street, as nice as the night was- it felt wrong. Not because of Gerard spending money on me, but something else. Like we were being watched maybe? But I shook it off, felt it was paranoia. Then Gerard started to go tense, in a scared way. Started walking more briskly, almost dragging me along with him, I could almost read his mind, he knew something was wrong.
"Gerard what's wrong?" I asked, almost breaking into a run.
"Stay close." He demanded, keeping my hand in his as he power-walked down the street, cutting across the empty road and down an alley.
"Gerard...?" I asked; feeling worried at where he was going.
"Stay quiet." He snapped, dragging me along the alley.
"I'm scared." I stood still, not liking how he was talking to me.
"Why'd you stop?" He asked, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion.
"Because, you're not telling me something!" I felt upset and hurt that he was being different, treating me differently.
"Lumi I'm trying to help you!"
"Then tell me what's going on!" Then, everything went black. Something heavy collided with the back of my head, knocking me to the floor.
When I woke, the walls were white; I thought I was in the hospital again, either the hospital or heaven- I wasn't quite sure. But in a room, fairly big, a double bed, a bathroom, and a door. A metal one with a sliding hatch, it was white too, like the walls. And a body, breathing, lying next to me. I recognised his bright red hair anywhere.
"Gerard...?" I asked, dazed and confused at what happened.
"Huh?" He asked, groggily as he slowly sat up.
"W-Where are we?" I sat cross-legged, not ready to stand just yet. Glancing around I would say we've been kidnapped; we were surrounded by white walls.
"I-I don't know."
"I'm scared." I admitted; I've heard stories about being kidnapped and abused, could this get any worse?
"Me too, Lumi, me too." We heard the hatch on the door slide open and we turned our heads to look, only a mouth was visible.
"Yes, yes they're awake." He said, not to us, someone else behind him.
"You sure?" A murmured voice asked hesitantly behind the first.
"Yes, they're talking."
"Give them some food then, they've been asleep for six hours."
"More like unconscious." He stated, shutting the hatch before shoving two plates of beef stew into our 'room' by a cat flap. I shuffled over to it and grabbed the plates, we were going to be here a while, might as well eat what we can. I went back over to Gerard and handed him his food, sieving it with the spoon in the bowl before testing it. It was alright, hardly any flavour but it was food at the end of the day. So we did what we could do; eat.
Chapter 6- So Sacrifice Yourself
The days blended together, months could've gone by and me and Gerard wouldn't even know it. We were trapped, we've tried to get out, and it's useless. Out of the little conversation our guards and kidnappers would have outside our door, I've heard that we have two captures; Cutter and Josh. It was night, I wasn't sure how I knew but I felt it in my bones, but every passing moment felt dark. I no longer felt safe with Gerard, I felt like he betrayed me by making me go down the alley.
"Lumi?" I glanced over to him, I was sat on our bed, back and head against the cold wall and he stood at the other side of the room.
"What." I snapped; the word fell from my lips with anger.
"This isn't my fault, you know that right?" I looked away from him, raised and lowered one shoulder.
"Does it matter?" I didn't make eye contact but I still spoke to him, "We're stuck in this room, no way to get out."
"Yeah I know." I felt the mattress dip down as he sat next to me.
"I wanna go home; I don't wanna be here, why won't they let us go?" I held back tears, every time I talked about our situation it made me realise what how deep we were in trouble.
"I wanna go home too, I wanted to make sure you'd be okay, I'm so sorry I couldn't keep that promise." I turned my head to look at him; he brushed my fringe out of my eyes and smiled his usual everything-is-gonna-be-okay smile.
"I can't find my way to you anymore," I said, putting a hand on his cheek, he was so close to me but he felt so far away, "I can't bare to face the truth."
"Truth?"
"They don't want you, I heard them talk, and they said you got in the way." I glanced over to the door, incase they were listening to us.
"What do they want then?" As an answer to his question the door swung open and one of our captures walked in, he pointed at me and I felt an un-earthly shiver send shockwaves through my spine.
"Come with me." I shook my head, refusing to move, I didn't want to go with the stranger, and I wanted to stay with Gerard.
"No!" I said, determined to stay where I was.
"Now." He said; his calmness made me feel uneasy. I shook my head and felt Gerard's hand entwine in mine.
"No!" I repeated; he held me at gun point. The shining sliver metal was pointed between my eyes. His finger hovered over the trigger, he didn't need to say anything else, and I got up, detached from Gerard and went out the room.
"Keep walking." He ordered, following me out, leaving the door open then pushing the barrel of the gun in my back, pushing me on further.
"Down the hall, now." I did as I was told and walked down the hall, to another room; I guessed this was my capture's room since there was a bed set out here.
"W-What are you going to do?" I asked, trying not to sound scared.
"On the bed." I did as I was told and sat down, looking no where but to the floor, just like I had when I was with Joey. Pieces of my memory had come back but it was still a blank space (that's how I remember Joey), I sat on the soft mattress, trying to stop myself shaking with fear. Then a gun dropped down at my feet, the one my capture had threatened me with it.
"You can't do it, can you?" He sneered, knowing I couldn't pull the trigger.
"Never tried." I admitted, I've never fired a gun before and I didn't want to start now.
"Now's your chance, Josh, bring him in." I looked up worried as Josh shoved Gerard through the open door, he was battered and bruise with his hands tied behind his back and a gag in his mouth. My eyes widened as a sudden surge of fright coursed through my body, he was hurt badly and I rushed to his aid.
"Oh God, Gerard are you okay?" I asked, feeling hot stinging tears form in my eyes at seeing the pain he was in. I removed the gag from his mouth and hugged him; I couldn't reach his bonded hands since Josh guarded the back of him.
"I-I'm okay..." He muttered out, gasping in the air around us.
"You're hurt, I'm so sorry for leaving you, I won't leave you again." I pulled back and locked eyes with him, he was in so much pain it made my heart ache.
"How sweet," Cutter piped up, watching us, "The two lovers joined once again." I glared at him, he made my blood boil.
"Leave us alone!"I begged, Cutter just laughed and shook his head, picking up the loaded gun and turning it in his hands.
"That's not my orders see, I have strict rules on keeping you alive, and he is no use to us." He pointed the gun at Gerard.
"Leave him alone, please, let him go."
"I could, but where's the fun in that?"
"You're sick!" A twisted smile tugged at the corners of Cutter's mouth, and evil smiled that sent pulsing shockwaves through my body, leaving me with violent shivers.
"And I love every second of it."
"What are you going to do to him?" Cutter nodded to Josh, Josh nodded back, the same sick and twisted smile now slapped on Josh's face. Josh hit Gerard across the back of his head, knocking him unconscious, he slumped to the floor and soon I followed him. Being knocked into another weird dream that was my mind trying to cope with this madness, when I woke I realised my hands were above me, chained to the ceiling, my ankles chained to the wall. Gerard was opposite me, so close yet so far away.
Chapter 7- And Lead Me to Heaven When We Die
He was black a blue from beatings, he's been awake for hours from looking at the dried blood that was once poured from his lip. He's been cut, I can tell with a sharp pocket knife.
"Oh Gerard..." I sighed, feeling the power of guilt take control of me.
"Y-You're...o-okay..." He breathed, he was so short of breath I couldn't believe it, and he was on the brink of death.
"I'm so, so sorry." I didn't know why I said it, I had no reason to.
"I-It's...not...y-your...f-fault..."
"Shhhh," I said, trying to get him to save his breathe. "You're hurt, don't talk."
"T-They're...gonna...b-be in here...s-soon..."
"Who?"
"C-Cutter a-and Josh...d-don't...let them...h-hurt you..."
"I won't, I promise." The door burst open and Cutter entered, followed by Josh. An evil and adventurous look glinted in Cutter's eyes; he walked over and stood in front of me.
"You're awake, finally." Cutter remarked.
"Why can't you leave him alone?" I asked, looking past Cutter to Gerard.
"Because, I was saving the best for last," I looked at him, not liking what he was saying, "Now that you're awake."
"What are you going to do?" I demanded more then asked, the evil smile returned, more worrying then before.
"All in good time, all in good time."
"Leave him alone! You have me! I'm awake! Let him be!"
"I can't do that." Cutter turned and brushed stray hairs out of Gerard's face. "Look at you, once strong and bold, now pathetic and weak."
"I-I bet...bet I'm still stronger then you...a-and better looking..." Gerard retorted; Cutter smacked him around his face. Gerard's head jerked to the side and twisted into a mask of pain, I looked away too.
"I'm not the one in chains." Cutter spat, grabbing the back of Gerard's hair and pulling his face up, getting sharp breaths of pain from his capture.
"I-If you're going to kill me..." Gerard started, daring to look Cutter back in his insane eyes, "Just kill me already."
"Fine, if you're begging for it." Cutter extended his hand towards Josh; Josh dug a knife from out of his back pocket and handed it to Cutter.
"Are you watching, Olette?" Josh said smugly to me, I snarled at him out of anger for what he'd done to him and also using my middle name, I then looking back at Gerard.
"Please, let him go, I swear I'll do anything just, please, let him go!" I was pleaded with him; if I wasn't chained I'd get down on my knees just to beg.
"You just don't get it do you? You stupid brat." Cutter spat, getting angry that he wasn't killing Gerard yet.
"Please, look just take my life instead."
"You'd die for him?"
"Yes."
"Too bad, so sad." There was a deafening scream, my blood ran cold, my heart thumped and I saw the blood drip down. Cutter moved away, exited the room followed my Josh. Leaving me to look at Gerard's dead body, the knife was pierced through the roof of his chin, I couldn't talk. All I could hear was the drip, drip, drip of his blood hit the stone floor.
"Oh God..." I breathed, not able to look at him but I couldn't tear my gaze away. Tears streamed down my face and my stomach was doing flips, I felt so sick.
"Gerard...I'm so, so very sorry..."
Time ticked so slowly, days must've gone by before Josh showed his face to me. The door opened and I didn't even bother to lift my head to look at him, he wasn't worth it.
"Lumina?"
"Get the hell out." I spat, words dripping with anger.
"I'm here to help you." He whispered, scared incase Cutter heard him. I lifted my head and looked at him; confusion clouded my mind from thinking properly.
"Why?"
"You think I like doing this?" He shut the door and walked over to me, I watched his every move with caution.
"Then why are you?"
"I needed the money...the guy who Cutter's working for...he promised big time cash, I didn't know about the kidnapping, and-and..."
"And the murder."
"Yes, I don't want you chained up, that's why I'm here."
"Just get me down." Josh had a spare key and unlocked the chains and helped me stand up, from being hung up for around a week I was pretty unsteady on my feet.
"Careful." Josh said, helping me level out. I rested on him and nodded, getting used to standing.
"How are we going to get out?" I asked, frowning at him, "Cutter's near-by isn't he?"
"He's gone out, said he had a meeting with the guy who's orders he's taking."
"Oh..."
"But we only have a few minutes, we must hurry." Josh escorted me out and we quickly made it outside, I felt bad for leaving Gee's body back there, he shouldn't be there, alone...But Josh wouldn't let me go back, he said the police would sort it out. When we got outside it was night, the fresh air hit me like a nuclear bomb.
"I have a car near-by, stay here while I'll go and get it." He rushed off, before I had misunderstood Josh, I thought he was a cold-blooded killer like Cutter, but I was wrong. I waited, for a long time; I started to get worried and went to look for Josh. I walked around the back of the building where I saw Josh rush off to and turned the corner, I saw the car; it was running with the headlights on. But I couldn't seem to see Josh, I walked over to the black Vista Cruiser and peered in through the glass; empty.
Chapter 8- I Can Hear The Devil Call My Name
"Josh?" I asked, wondering if he'd reply. None of this made sense, he couldn't have just bolted; his car was still here. I turned back to the building and gasped with shock, my heart cracked in two and I raised my hand to my mouth to hold in a silent scream.
I found Josh...
I walked over slowly to his body; he was pinned against the wall by a knife wedged in his throat. His eyes were taped open and beside his body were a message written in blood, it was rank and I couldn't imagine someone doing this. I read the bloody message; 'Get back in your chains'
I shook my head; I'm not going back, not for the world. I'm getting out of here right now! I turned and jumped, Cutter was stood five steps away from me. Blood soaked on his hands and someone else standing behind him.
"What have you done?" I asked, not wanted to look at Josh again.
"Killing a traitor."
"He was a helper!" I yelled at him, Cutter walked closer and I shuffled back, keeping a distance between us.
"Whatever, it doesn't matter now does it? He's dead." I felt anger surge through me.
"You're a monster, I wish you were dead."
BANG, BANG, BANG! Three gun shots rang out and Cutter fell to the floor dead, the three bullet wounds in his back. The man who had been stood behind Cutter was concealed in shadows, but the shine of the gun in the moonlight was glinting.
"Careful what you wish for." He said, but I recognised the way the person talked.
"I-I didn't mean for it to happen..." I didn't really want him dead, no matter how much I said it or meant it at the time.
"Too bad now, well, three dead and there's you left."
"Why do you want me alive?"
"Don't you know who I am?"
"Should I?" He stepped out of the shadows, and I remembered. The tall figure, the skinny jeans, the black converses, the sandy blonde hair and those eyes, his face, clear as day and that Smashing Pumpkins T-shirt he always wears. And now I put the voice with the face. I stepped back in shock and an evil grin started on his face, this was twisted and sick and I didn't understand why it was him.
"Recognise me now?" He sneered, he gun was still in his hand but it wasn't pointed at me, thankfully.
"Mikey..."
Chapter 9- Hold It Together, Birds Of A Feather, Nothing But Lies And Crooked Wings
I didn't understand why Mikey was doing this, I trusted him, me and Gerard both did- so why did he turn on us?
"Finally," He said to me, "How long does it take for you to figure out who the bad guy is?"
"Why are you doing all of this?"
"Because," Mikey started, re-loading the gun he started his story. "The first time Gee bought you home, when we were two years old. I still remember you; you're pretty little face, your golden blonde hair, your happy smile. You and Gerard were always close and I was always pushed out of the picture, when we played families you and Gee were always the parents and I was the kid. Did you ever stop to think about me? What I felt?"
"Mikey I had no idea."
"No, of course you didn't, because you didn't even care to ask."
"I swear to God if I knew...knew how you felt towards and about me-"
"I've liked you since we were two, Lumina, since we were freaking two years old!" The memories came flooding back, all at once. Like a tsunami of the past came crashing inside of my head, it was almost too much to take but I had to hold it together, because any sign of weakness is dangerous towards Mikey.
"I didn't know."
"You never bothered to even know Lumi, did you get for once that I liked you? I gave you enough hints, every Valentine's Day you'd get a little red note written in gold. Didn't you think for once that it might be me? The same penmanship?"
"I thought it was-"
"You thought it was Gerard." Mikey smirked, finishing my sentence. "Then Joey came into the picture."
"We met in college." I remembered clearly, he'd asked me to coffee as soon as we met.
"I know, I was the one who set it up." I looked at him in confusion.
"What?"
"Joey was in on this too."
"You've been planning this, for four years?" He nodded; he started this when we were eighteen.
"Well I knew, since Gerard said to me when we were fourteen that he loved you; that you would one day be together."
"You couldn't stand the fact that we would be together, with him being your brother, you felt betrayed." He nodded.
"He said that when you two were old enough he was gonna propose."
"So you killed him."
"Gotta do what you gotta do to stay in the competition."
"I am not a prize to be won!"
"Whatever, doesn't matter now does it? You can't marry a corpse."
"You're sick."
"Thanks."
"Why? Why'd you do all this just to tell me how you feel?"
"Because, now with Gee out of the picture-"
"You think you really have a shot with me now?"
"I realised years back from now that I wouldn't be with you, what else was I meant to do?"
"Move on idiot!"
"I can't," He moved quickly, grabbed my wrist and pulling me close, "I can't stop thinking about you, day in and day out you're all that I can think." He was too close, breath on my skin.
"Get away from me." I spat at him, I winced with pain as he pushed me back onto the car.
"Can't do that." He pressed himself against me, trapping me against the car.
"Please!" I spluttered, the pain was hurting to much, he was crushing me.
"Move and I'll make it really hurt."
"Mikey please!"
"I'm not moving; you're not going anywhere." He sneered, I could get out. I need to play my cards carefully. He didn't have a grip on my wrists to pin me to the spot so I kneed him in the groin and ran, ran from him by the car and ran from the death trap where Josh, Cutter and Gerard had been murdered. All at the hands of Mikey, a man I thought I could trust.
Chapter 10- Life Is Sink Or Swim
Life is sink or swim, you can keep living after something bad has happened, that's the swimming part. Or you can sink. Totally drown and just shut your mind off, shut your life away.
Me?
I'm going to swim.
I ran like Hell itself was chasing me, demons and all the nasty's that go bump in the night are running after me. If I slowed down I'd get caught, I could hear his footsteps behind me but that made me speed up, not slow down.
I didn't know where I was or where I was going, I knew it's night and even the moon didn't shine light down on this wasteland. I was in the middle of no where, and I needed to reach a police station or if I'm lucky a hospital.
Mikey's heavy footsteps seemed to get louder as I raced away, I was scared and I honestly think I'm going to die. I'm not scared of dying; I'm scared of living...
I felt a tug on my hair and I was yanked back, tears stung in my eyes as the pain boiled. My head was pulled backwards and I could see Mikey, and he was not happy.
"Where do you think you're going?" He spat, keeping a firm grip on my hair.
"Think you can get away?" He sneered, pulling harder. I yelped in sheer pain, instantly putting my hands where my hair was being pulled.
"You're not going anywhere!" He started to drag me back, his vice-like grip on my hair I screamed in pain as I was dragged along the floor.
I scratched and clawed, kicked and tried to get away. I saw a glint in his back pocket and remembered the gun he had held; he's put it in his back pocket. I grabbed it and turned, my vision was blurred by tears but I aimed for the back of his neck. He turned in confusion, feeling the weight in his pocket being released, he glanced down and eyes widened. I pulled the trigger.
The gun shot seemed louder then I'd though, and clearly I can't aim because I hit his shoulder. Dammit... But the blood started to ooze out and he feel to his knees, his hands covering the wound he glanced at me, tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Lumina..." He breathed.
"Shut up, just shut up!" I snapped, standing up and pointing the gun at his head and it was shaking. I felt anger bubble up, it made me sick just to look at him, I grew up with him and I never ever thought he was capable of something horrendous as this...
"Please..." He was breathless and I saw tears but felt no pity for the scum that's shot and bleeding on the floor.
"I said shut up! Don't talk to me, you're not worth oxygen and I will kill you- believe me I'll do the world a favour."
"Don't be so cruel."
"Cruel? I'm the one that's cruel?! You're a kidnapper and a murderer!"
"He got what he deserved." I whacked him across his smug face with the gun, his head jerked to the side and I felt my stomach do flips, I hated to hurt him but he's no longer the nerdy kid I grew up with.
"You're sick. Twisted."
"Shoot me."
"I'm warning you."
"No! Don't warn me! Shoot me!" I couldn't, I through the gun to the side and shook my head.
"I'm not a murderer. I refuse to be like you." I one quickly flash he swept me from under my feet, I yelped when I hit the ground, back aching and head hammering from hitting the ground*
"Urgh…" I moaned in agony when I felt pressure pin me down, I opened my eyes and saw Mikey sitting on top of me, keeping me pinned down. I couldn't kick my legs and my hands were pinned above my head. Chest heaving up and down with panic I looked up at the killer I used to trust, a gleam in his eyes as he ducked his head down and nuzzled my neck. I felt my eyes flutter shut, lashes on my cheeks as I felt ghosts of kisses then became less discrete about the kisses.
"Lumina." He groaned against my skin, I writhed underneath his body, trying to get free of him but I felt a rag cover my mouth, I breathed in and heard him faintly ramble on about it being chloroform.
Chapter 11- You Don't Have What It Takes To Set Me Free
Two years had passed since that horrid night…I have mental flashbacks to that place, where the man I used to trust took three lives. Now, thinking back to that night when I was trapped under Mikey's body while he kissed my neck, cheek and lips while whispering my name lovingly still made me sick. What that progressed to makes me want to tear at my own skin, then when it was all over I had to do that choice…
His glazed eyes looked into mine, an emotion swimming around in them which mocked love and passion. I laid on the floor with my torn clothes ripped from my and discarded near me somewhere, but I was too afraid to look away from him. I guessed his clothes were near them as well, but then again- it was only a guess.
His fingers brushed my hair out of my sickly pale face and his eyes scanned my face, as if searching for me to show my "love" for him. I wanted to kill him, I should've taken the shot, and I should've died because now I was wanting to die- I have been feeling this for God only knows how many days…
"I love you." Those three words made me want to vomit, but the meaning behind them scared me the most- because he truly meant it. Unable to tear my gaze away I knew he wanted me to say it back to him, like I meant it.
"You have a very sick way of showing it." The once happy smile faded from his lips.
"After…after everything I've done for you- you're still an ungrateful little slu-" I slapped him hard across his face and pushed him away from me, searching for my clothes I grabbed them and got dressed- memories of the sick act he put me through flashed in front of my eyes.
I sat on the sofa of my shared apartment with the man I hate to the bone, forced to be with him otherwise others would suffer and I so wish one day I'll go to the police about what he's done…my hands wrapped around a mug of coffee as I stared blankly at the TV screen.
Once my clothes were back on and was his I got to my feet and started walked back to where my dead boyfriend and Mikey's two accomplices were murdered, hoping to get to the Vista Cruiser I saw whilst looking for Josh.
I felt a hand wrap securely around my wrist and I looked quickly and saw him looking sorrowfully at me.
"You're not leaving me."
"To Hell I am!" I pulled my wrist back and put a bit of a distance between us.
"You won't, do you think anyone will believe you? I'm the good kid in the whole town, not a single soul will believe what's happened here." I knew he was right…I looked away from him to the floor.
"…What do you want from me?" The question was barely audible but he heard it, he took my hands and I looked at him- not even bothering to fight anymore…he'd taken everything away from me…there was nothing left for me to actually fight for- not even my life seemed worth it.
He leaned down so his mouth was next to my ear and whispered softly;
"Just you."
He pulled away and looked at me like he was the little kid I grew up with.
"And if I refuse?" I couldn't believe I was succumbing to him but there was nothing else to do, I couldn't re-build my life…not again, not without Gerard.
Sat there with the TV on and not even paying attention, I listened a little to the voices of Mikey, Ray and Frank in the kitchen, laughing over something I couldn't be bothered listening to. My eyes fell upon the diamond wedding ring on my left hand and held back the sick and tears.
"I'll kill your family, your friends, and I can make it look like an accident."
Tears welled up in my eyes and I shut them, trying to hold them back.
"…F-Fine…"
That one word sealed my fate…just one Goddamn word…
He smiled that twisted smile and we walked to the Vista Cruiser, started the engine and he drove to the town I missed dearly.
That car ride was like the silent version of the torture I'd been through for the past couple of days, until he broke the silence and the words he spoke knotted my insides.
"When we get back, tell everyone we were on a little holiday- we meet some people and Gerard wanted to stay with them." I nodded and just looked down at my hands, feeling disgusted at myself for agreeing.
I remember when we got back, we told that story to everyone. They believed it, of course, I guess it was better than telling them he was dead. Then I remember at Frankie's party to celebrate us being back and Mikey saying we were now dating, I remember Mikey getting everyone's attention before getting down on one knee and showing the diamond ring that I had to accept for the sake of the people's lives around me- that lead to our wedding…
At the wedding I remembered he took me to one side and told me in a hushed voice:
"I can set you free, of everything that has happened."
I remember looking at him, feeling sick to the brim at him in his tuxedo, and I felt nauseated being in a wedding dress.
"You don't have what it takes to set me free." I snarled and then the blur of the wedding went on…
Chapter 12- Wrong Way On A One-Way Track
I'm going the wrong on a one-way track, when I was little I knew what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do- I had my life planned out and was on the right track. And then five years ago my life went downhill, you've read the previous chapters so I don't have to go over that. I want to divorce my husband (I hate using that term) but I know the consequences of those actions…I'm stuck on a loop and I seriously have no way out, I can't talk to anyone about it- who would believe me anyway? Mikey's the quiet and shy guy in town who keeps to himself…
I stood in the kitchen making dinner as these thoughts swam around in my head, stirring the stew in the pot absent-mindly as I listened to "I Can't Decide" By Scissor Sisters, as the lyrics went on I felt like I could relate perfectly to the song. Then I had images of feeding Mikey poisoned birthday cake since it's near his birthday, or maybe we could take a trip to the lake nearby and give him drowning lessons- I could bury him alive, but the Scissor Sisters had a point about his crawling out with a knife and killing me.
I felt warm arms snake around my waist and half expected them to be live snakes, waiting for their venomous bite to pierce the skin of my stomach. I felt a head rest on my shoulder and could smell that familiar cologne of his.
"What'cha cooking?" Mikey asked, watching me stir with the wooden spoon.
"Stew." I heard him make a sound like 'hmm' before his grasp left and the cold struck me and I was never happier to feel it.
The days blurred into months and months blurred into years and I sulked in depression as memories haunted me in my brain, there was this little voice in my head that always brought me down. It's like every morning it's waiting for me to wake up to go 'Hey, you awake? Okay good, you're the worst person in the world, letting Gerard and Josh die like that…'
Every Goddamn day…
He was hardly at home which I was thankful for, but when he was here it was like he'd gone off me, I had suspicion he was seeing other women behind my back- not that I cared, they can have him.
Then one day I got a phone call from Frankie when Mikey was out at work, I accepted the call and pressed the phone to my ear and mumbled in a usual flat tone:
"Hello?"
"Lumi, I know you've been down in the dumps for a lot of years and it's eating me up inside, please talk to me about it?"
Moments passed as I thought about it, I knew I usually drained the atmosphere where ever I went and I was sick of being depressed. So for the next few hours I told him everything that had happened, once it was over he just left the line blank. I sat there anxiously and when he finally he spoke he demanded that I go to the police- wow if only I thought about that earlier…
"Frankie I can't- otherwise he's going to kill my family and friends…"
"I'll go then, okay?" I nodded even though he couldn't see me…
"Alright."
Chapter 13- Runaway Train Never Coming Back
Finally. A free woman. Not completely free, I'm still tormented by the memories of the past but I'm free of marriage to that monster who is now locked up in jail for the crimes he has carried out. I felt much happier and I've gotten a job which pays the bills nicely, puts food on the table and still the same supportive friends.
I smile on a regular basis and go out with mates every Wednesday and on Fridays is movie night and we all go round mine and pill up with popcorn and junk food. My life is finally on the right track.
I'm in a new town, new city, new state. I live with flat mates and we get on perfectly, I still keep in contact with Frankie, Ray and Bob via phone and e-mails. I admit I ran away but I couldn't handle being in that town any longer, and now I'm never going back. Thankfully they all understood.
At the end of every month though, I travel back there, just to visit Gerard's grave, sometimes I visit Josh's grave as well. I always bought yellow roses from Gerard and lavender blossoms for Josh; I'd talk to their headstones like they were alive again. I'd never visit Gerard's and Mikey's parents though, and I neither visited Frank, Ray or Bob. I couldn't handle it…
But life starts again; thankfully I got a new chance to start afresh. Sometimes I like to think that there's someone up in Heaven looking over me like a guardian angel. I like to believe that the angel is Gerard, because it makes me feel better- knowing he's keeping an eye on me…