Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

AN: OBVIOUSLY I'm really into this random nonsense thing- helps me process all my scattered ideas so they don't overload my brain and keep me from working on my more solid plotlines (I'm working on them ALL don't worry)! And it's been awhile since I did a one-shot!

FYI: There's a point in which it's primarily dialogue between Ichigo and an unconventional therapist after some initial setup.

Summary: When Isshin has had enough of Ichigo's passive- well passiveness, he calls in the big guns. Someone is going to have to step up to the plate and annoy the crap out of his son with only a few words until he sees the light and goes for the woman he admires. It's Ichigo vs. a shrink.

Rated T: For strong language and sexual references

Yay!

-One Shot-

Shrinking Strawberry

The office smelled faintly of scented candles, this fragrance mingling with that of the leather furniture and books reminded him of the odd fortune teller's shop that Inoue had dragged him to. Somehow he got that same sense of foreboding that he had watching the mystic divine as he did eyeing the woman across from him.

She was finishing off a pastry of some sort, chewing quietly, as all the while she stared at him from behind her aviators. He could just see her eyes fixed on him beneath the tinted amber lenses.

Finally, she licked her lips, dusted the crumbs from her skirt and pushed the sunglasses back on her head.

She continued to assess him even as she reached for a wet nap in her purse at her feet, poking idly at her teeth with her tongue.

It felt like another five minutes passed as he waited in growing agitation for her to wipe her hands, polish off her Starbucks, and gather a pencil and notebook from the desk behind her.

Looking at the pile of haphazard papers and books, interspersed by pens and the odd post-it, he again felt certain she was just some weirdo friend of his father's he had harassed into "getting to the root of the problem" with his "uptight, grouchy, emotionally constipated boy".

Ichigo inwardly scoffed, arms settling tighter over his chest as his scowl deepened.

Suddenly the "psychiatrist" cleared her throat and cocked her head at him, "And you are…?"

Helplessly the boy's eyes widened in shock and he couldn't help but gape for a moment before he growled, "What the hell… don't tell me you don't even bother looking at your appointment schedule?"

The woman scratched behind her ear with a pencil, a rather bored look on her face as she replied, "Oh I do glance at it usually- I'm just not quite sure where my book is."

The young man gave her a dry look as he heaved a sigh and replied grudgingly, "I'm Ichigo. Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Ah," She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth as she tapped her temple with the eraser, "The doctor's son." A smirk formed as she started to write and Ichigo glared a moment at her bowed head.

She inhaled audibly through her nose as she looked up with a bewilderingly pleasant smile, "Would you like to tell me something about yourself, Kurosaki-san?"

He was admittedly flummoxed by her sudden three sixty- in that instance she seemed to be exactly what the crookedly hanging diploma on the wall professed her to be.

Quickly he masked his surprise, turning his head away, "What's there to tell?"

"What kind of pizza you like… Where you like to go… What reality show utterly disgusts you but you can't stop watching…"

Now he was back to thinking she was just some random woman off the street.

"Look I don't even know why I'm really here. I mean my dad put you up to this no doubt, but to what end I don't know- nor do I really want to."

"Oh there's a reason. The universe is not simple- it pulls things together for a purpose when it warrants."

What was she?- a shrink or part time philosopher? He was starting to see more and more similarities between her and that kook who had tried to read his palm.

"Purpose… right. Feels more like a waste of time."

"Mmhmm, I see…"

He could hear the scratching of her pencil against the paper, still dead-set on giving her his profile.

"So then- let's cut to the chase. Let's talk sex. How long have you been a closet pervert?"

Ichigo nearly swallowed his tongue. He stared at her with a horrified expression jaw slack so that any minute he could shout some declaration riddled with expletives. But he instead gritted his teeth, scowled at her and once more turned his head.

The silent treatment. That would show her.

"'Kay then…" Her pen tapped in a rhythm that sounded suspiciously like the chorus to Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust".

"How about," She suggested in a pensive tone, "You stop acting like there's a stick up your ass and I won't say cliché things like 'And how does that make you feel'?"

He just snorted at this, burning a hole in the wall with his stubbornly fixed gaze.

"Well how about I promise not to tell your father that my official diagnosis is that you're a bordering psychopath with a high potential for sexual deviancy… And as a bonus- I won't even ask him to join a few sessions- which I could do as I'm sure that man has a lot to get off his chest!"

At this point Ichigo's fists were clenched so tightly they were shaking. He ground his teeth back and forth before biting out, "You win."

Her smile spoke volumes and he was positive her inner thoughts were something along the lines of: 'Excellent. Now… Let's dissect that delicious brain, shall we?'

"Name?"

"I already- *sigh* Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Age?"

"Nineteen."

"Sex?"

"…"

She wasn't looking up but she could feel his deadpan-stare.

"Sex?"

There was a growl followed by, "Male."

"Hmmm, I thought for sure you'd answer 'yes please'…."

"What?! Stop putting words into my mouth!"

"Occupation?"

A huff, "Student."

"And?"

"And what?"

"What else? Don't you have a part-time job?"

"Ugh yeah… I sometimes work for Unagiya Shop."

"Not really a fan of donburi myself…"

"It has nothing to do with that!"

"Education?"

"Freshman in college. General studies."

"No major… Possible lack of ambition or self-esteem…"

"I have plenty of self-esteem lady! I'm just not sure what to do just yet!"

"Yes and you have other concerns outside of your unakyu and homework…"

"What are you saying? I don't make sushi! And…"

"Relationship status."

"…Single."

"Oh? You hesitated Kurosaki-san…"

"So?"

"Usually that's indicative of uncertainty… Perhaps there's someone in your life whose role you're not sure how to define?"

"No, there isn't."

"There is."

"There isn't!"

"I'm almost two hundred percent sure there is."

"You're just speculating."

"'Spontaneity of speculation being synonymous with the philosophical-poetic, philosophical-poetic with rural philosopher-poet-',"

"Huh? What the hell are you spouting?!

"What's her name?"

"Ru- Shit!"

"And how does Ru-shit make you feel?"

"Oi! You said you wouldn't ask crap like that!"

"Ah, no. I said I wouldn't ask 'how does that make you feel?'."

"Che."

"So, you've had sex with Ru-shit."

"How'd you make that leap?! No, damnit! Why do you have an obsession with sex?"

"Why don't you have one? You're in college… You do want to sleep with Ru-shit don't you?"

"Rukia! Her name's Rukia."

"I take that as a 'yes'…Rukia. Mmm, much better than Ru-shit. I was beginning to think her parents were cruel- or possibly ironic."

"She didn't know her parents. And I admit to nothing."

"Right. An orphan?"

"Well- she had a sister. 'N she has a brother now, so…"

"Family. Check. So this brother…"

Ichigo blatantly scoffed.

The therapist smiled.

"Is he the cockblocker?"

"What- why- Look it's not just about sex, alright?"

"Just…" She had the nerve to snicker.

His eyes narrowed a moment before he conceded, "It's complicated. Her family's high class and I'm…"

"Isshin's son."

"Aa… And there's alotta other shit too."

"Tragic."

It was then he looked up at her apathetic face and his indignation at her intrusion rose again. He took a deep breath and sat back, sinking into the leather.

She smirked and sat back in her chair, "Guess you're done sharing. Well- how bout lunch?"

"You just ate."

"What are you- a dietician? I'm a growing girl."

He considered her a moment. She did look young- older than him certainly, but definitely not his father's age.

With a grunt he shrugged.

Fifteen minutes of awkward silence later and they were still settled across the coffee table from one another, but now with take-out in hand.

Admittedly the curry was good and perfectly fresh seeing as how the Indian place was right next door.

The woman had only exclaimed an enthusiastic, "Itadikimasu," before digging into her paper box.

Now the young college man couldn't quite help but wonder why she had not continued to drill him.

"So… You're not gonna keep pumping me for info- back story- my childhood…?" He eyed her warily.

She shrugged, wiping at a splash of sauce at the corner of her mouth with a napkin, "You can lead a horse to water, but if he's wild he'll still kick you in crotch."

The noise that came from Ichigo was somewhere between a choked cough and a chuckle and he quickly took a drink before shooting the woman another assessing look.

"What the hell kind of therapist are you anyway?" He muttered.

"The kind that charges by the hour. Hour's up. Unless you have two hundred bucks up front for one more session?" She rose an eyebrow at him, balancing a hot pepper between her chopsticks

"Yeah right! You're a total crock!" He leapt to his feet.

"Yeah well," She said around a mouth full of food, "You're a bore. Come back when you have some juicy tidbits about your kinky sex life."

"I don't have a kinky sex life!" He shouted. Yet the woman looked totally unaffected.

Ichigo gave the woman a glare as he stomped toward the door. He threw his take-out box in the trash by the door with more force than was necessary and reached for the door handle.

He exited, all the while grumbling, "Call me a closet pervert, batty woman. She's the one mentioning sex all the time. Gotta be somethin' wrong with her head. Therapist my ass…I don't need no stinkin' therapy!"

…

What the hell am I doing? Ichigo asked himself, not two weeks later as he stared up at the brick building that housed the "therapist's" office.

Something had happened and while Ichigo knew he could always count on his friends this time he didn't think they'd have much to say. They knew about his situation of course and had even tried offering subtle advice over the years, but at this point they'd just be exhausting their efforts. What other encouragement and words of wisdom could they possibly offer at this point?

As chagrined as he was to admit it-outside help- an uninvolved perspective might be of some help about now.

Still he was starting to question his sanity as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, glaring unforgivingly.

Considering it all, maybe he did need a therapist.

"I'm fucking nuts." He hissed at himself as he pushed his hand back through his sunset locks.

…

He could swear he saw a very smug expression cross her features before she popped the sucker from her mouth and began to wave it about as she spoke, "Soooo… she came in through your window- cause that's normal for her- and you pulled her into your lap- had a hot yet awkward make-out session with a little heavy petting and then you ruined it by speaking?"

Ichigo, who had just slowly started to –un-flush after his hurried explanation was reddening rather quickly once more.

He cleared his throat, his eyes darting away as he mumbled, "You make it sound totally sorted."

"Ugh, if you're still such a crab-ass after you got to second base there's no help for you!"

"Oi! I told you it's not that simple! I have my own duties and she has hers- we live in different worlds and- then there's well… a significant age gap-,"

"Lolicon?"

"Hell no! It's not me- she's the one that's older!"

"Ahhhh, cougar. Nice."

"Look it's just an age gap- can we not label it?"

"But you don't care about that, right? To me it sounds like you're making objections someone else might put on the table. You sound really half-hearted even trying to justify choking when things were starting to get good."

"I- there's just- there's a lot at stake… But you're right- I don't really care about the differences between us… Yet… And she… She feels the same… But…" There was a shred of amusement in his voice now as a crooked smile formed for a moment, "She's even more stubborn than I am."

"You both sound like frickin' idiots."

"Oi! You don't even know her! You don't know shit really. You just sit there and assume everything! I know how it works- it's the same thing a fortuneteller does- looks for tells and then rattles off some random estimations and general advice and you call it psychology! Fuck- why am I even here?"

At this point the flustered young man had jerked to his feet, 5"8' frame wrought with tension.

"I already told you, because you're a closet per-vert." The woman sing-songed following his progress to the door with her eyes, looking completely bemused.

The young man whipped around shouting, "I'm not a pervert damnit!"

But even in the face of his obvious irritation and yes, embarrassment, she just rolled her eyes, "Closet pervert. As in you have yet to embrace your perviness. Just think- it's just welling up bit by bit- until it explodes in a fiery burst of desire-,"

"Just shut up." He groaned in a tone of utter defeat, even as the sound of him banging his forehead against the door echoed in the small office.

"Look- why don't you stay a bit- I just ordered in from a café down the street. Sit."

He looked over his shoulder at the woman with a suspicious scowl.

"I'm not charging, okay?" She held up her hands innocently.

Ichigo sighed.

In ten minutes the two were biting into sandwiches and sipping from Styrofoam cups full of soda.

Briefly Ichigo wondered how the woman had known to order for two, but chose not to question it. As it was he couldn't be sure her explanation wouldn't be any more unsettling than all the other things she said without a filter.

"Mmkay," She said after she swallowed a mouthful of Coca-Cola, "It's time we talk obstacles- real obstacles- not the piddily little things you can think up- but the stuff that would genuinely get in the way of you and Rukia getting it on."

Glad he hadn't had anything in his mouth at that time Ichigo settled for a deep frown and wiped his mouth, choosing not to correct her. His gaze grew thoughtful.

He scratched at the back of his neck as he replied, "Distance I guess… Um, we kind of have several-um- miles- I guess- between us… Then there's the fact that I have school and she has… ugh- her work… Ugh…"

"Big brother…"

Again Ichigo's lips twisted his look turning sour, "Yeah, there's him too."

"And?"

"And… Well, I guess maybe that's it."

"You realize this list of things is really pathetic, right?"

"Oi- they're big things alright?"

"Including her brother?"

"Yeah… He's kinda scary... And she really looks up to him."

"There'd be family objections to the-we'll politely call it- the union."

"Aa."

"But as for the other two things- you obviously have access to one another. And finding time is something every couple struggles with."

"I guess, but-,"

"Kid you're killin' me! Look I'm not gonna make fun of you for being a decent guy- you're a rare breed- but still- this stigma you have is starting to come off as prudish. It's annoying and no girl's gonna wait forever! At some point you're going to have to ignore her stubbornness and get aggressive. As for her brother- what he don't know, won't hurt him."

"I can't go sneaking around!"

"Well you can't keep going around hiding behind weak objections because you're really just scared of the uncertainty of the future! Things don't last so we just take our chances or waste away. And as for other's opinions- losing a person here and there is life. If they are that opposed to your happiness then they're really just being selfish and who needs people like that, eh?"

The boy scratched his head as though he had vicious itch and looked away.

"Look Ichiraku-," She sighed.

"Ichigo!" He snapped. Did she seriously just call me by the name of the ramen shop in Naruto?!

"Strawberry then," She rolled her eyes and ignored his answering growl, "I'm getting a little irritated. I hate wasting my time. Grow some balls already."

"Tch. Great advice, Doc."

Suddenly she was standing over him, a rather dark look in her eyes, her arms crossed over her chest, "Look. You got that red string wrapped around you so tight you'll never be able to breathe properly if you don't get some slack by getting close to the one who has the other end. Admit it- you suffocate a little when you think about maintaining that distance between you. Auto-erotic-asphyxiation isn't very fun by yourself."

Admittedly there was a lump in Ichigo's throat as he stared up at the woman. He couldn't say a thing. Because indeed he felt it- that strong- smothering feeling. Fuck. Could she really be right? Without Rukia… I live, but I'm just going through the motions. I hate thinking about her because I start to realize how much I…

The woman's eyes narrowed further at him in a scrutinizing look and then she smiled and turned away to pace to the door.

"Time's up. Yet again you have bored me to tears with your nonsense, now get out."

Ichigo blinked, but slowly rose to his feet as he watched her wrench open the door and tap her foot expectantly.

"Ugh…" He glanced down at the leftovers.

"Leave it. Go."

"S-sure." He said, brows furrowing in deep thought as he considered where his next steps might take him.

As he passed through the doorway he didn't even glance at the woman- his therapist- holding the door for him.

He was halfway down the hall before she called to him, "Tell your old man he owes me double for helping him get those grandkids started."

Ichigo paused, back stiff as her words echoed in the dim lit hallway. After a moment he slowly turned- just enough to flash a bordering wicked smirk over his shoulder, "Aa. I'll tell him."

…

Not a few days later did the odd therapist receive an enormous and gaudy bouquet of flowers courtesy of one "Soon-to-be, Papa Isshin", so the card proclaimed.

And not long after this arrival came another.

Standing in her doorway was a ridiculously handsome man in a dark suit. His face was perfection, sculpted of ice, his grey eyes shrewd.

"I wish to speak with you regarding Kurosaki Ichigo. I believe you advised him in a matter that concerns me."

A smile stretched the therapist's lips as she looked up at his looming form, "Ah, so you're the cockblocking-big-brother. Guess one slipped by you, huh? Well come on in, it's three-fifty an hour- make that four hundred- you look like a tough nut to crack."

"Hn."

The End...?

AN: This is just really random- always kinda wanted to do a therapy-related fic w/ Ichigo in which he was provoked into "manning up". Asexual Ichigo is such a snore. It's annoying that- no offense- Kubo doesn't just give us more than random hints of the possible relationships. I get it- it's shounen- I'm not asking for a full-blown sappy romance- but COME ON! Go ahead and alienate some fans by putting a true pairing out there- it's the end anyway- isn't it? OKAY-done ranting. So ta-ta and thanks to anyone who stopped by!