Suffering from different mental instabilities, locked up in a mental institute, Deidara's only hope of getting out is consultations with a therapist, not knowing how to cope with the feelings that he develops after meetings with him. A sudden disappearance sets his mind on target, but how will he be able to manage his disorders in able to show love? Twisted and one-sided SasoDei. AU. One-shot.

Based off of EastNewSound's 1st Anniversary Remix 色月

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, or song used.
Warning: May be triggering, not for the faint hearted. Male x Male pairings.
Songfic –esque.
Links below.

Sweet Red

Dim lighting, dim room, dim life, wasting away in a mental institute, life has fared me well, civilisation is locked away from the madness that subsides inside mind and even the patients are scared to look me in the eye, all because of my confused, crazy mind.

There are nights where all I do is sit in the same corner and all I can hear are multiple screams that fill my mind keeping me up all night. I'd rather stay up than let my mind take over though, that's when the beasts get their way and drown me in misery and sorrow. And screams, so many more screams.

Light seems to pour into the room from a shut tight and bolted door, then a figure appears. I'm guessing it's either feeding time or they've finally come to their senses and decided to execute me. Whichever it is I welcome it.

"Your therapist is here to see you" She utters then quickly closes the door.

Great, another person to scare off, it's been months since I've seen a therapist, they never work, all say the same things, and also go after a couple of sessions, too scared to even be in the same breathing space as me. It's not my fault my mind is the way it is, I thought they were educated in understanding that.

I'm being escorted to the room where that poor therapist is, they have no idea how screwed up I am no matter how many folders they read they never truly understand. I'm surprised someone has actually volunteered to escort me, unless they were forced to do it.

Now looking around at their faces it's clear that they were forced. Poor things are shaking like a leaf; maybe they are considering killing me. You know, I bet everyone is sane here and they are keeping me as a failed science experiment, with the amount of voices inside my head it must've failed pretty badly and all fused inside my mind.

They open the door and usher me in quickly shutting it behind me within half a second, I can hear them scattering off, like beetles, or spiders, millions of them scattering away. Maybe if I look through the key hole I'll be able to see the spiders forcing their way in.

"Ahem"

I hear someone clearing their throat, I forgot this was a counselling session, better get it over with and scare them off sooner or later, it always happens, I'm used to it.

"Hello Deidara, I'm Sasori, you're new therapist, take a seat"

So… so red, so sweet

"Deidara, take a seat" He raised an eyebrow.

I… I'm not sure what that was, I've felt many things before, mostly pain, but that… that was something I'm not sure of, it worries me, it worries me a lot.

"How are you feeling?"

How am I feeling? Well seeming as I've been enclosed, in the darkness, with only screams to keep me company, I'm not sure what that even means.

"I can't put it into words" I struggle.

Maybe I can show him, I'll cover his eyes, that's how it feels. As I approach him I'm surprised he doesn't back away, not as much as a flinch. I cover his eyes with my hands, we stay that way in complete silence whilst the second tick by, I remove them after a minute or so.

"That's how I'm feeling" I back away and take my seat.

He proceeds to do that weird nod all therapists do, but it seems different, there is no fear in it, just a normal nod. It's been so long I forgot what normal was even like, I've missed it.

"So, from your records it seems as though you suffer from Aspergers, Anxiety and also Clinical Depression. Tried to kill yourself multiple times, and others as well, succeeded in that twice. Do you remember when you developed knowledge of your disorders?"

What is it with everyone that councils me always making me backtrack to "when it began"? If I knew when it began I could've helped everyone that's ever known me and just threw myself off of something earlier on.

"If I had any idea I wouldn't be here now" I sighed

"And how about the medicines, do you recall what you've been on?"

"No, I don't have time to; once they give me something after a week they change it. I'm like their personal guinea pig for drugs"

"No recall at all?"

"Nope, my brain is everywhere and anywhere, it doesn't take note"

"Fair enough"

I realised he doesn't have the board and the pen they usually have, and in my case their phone set on speed dial to hospital emergency. No, all he had was those brown eyes, and his red hair, so… red. I usually get a feel of unease with most people, but with this guy it's different, it's calm, so… sweet.

"How is life on a daily basis for you then, what normally goes on?" He asks, locking my gaze.

"For me it endlessly repeats.
It repeats, it repeats, it repeats, it repeats, it repeats.
The screaming repeats" I reply not shifting my gaze.

"Is it you that is screaming or others around you?"

"Others inside my head, sometimes it's piercing screams, but mostly silent screams"

"Are they screaming now?"

"Surprisingly no"

Another silence and analyzing me, normally I'd get paranoid when someone would stare at me but nothing from him, apart from that weird feeling I felt earlier, apart from that I'm at ease.

"…What do you think of art?" Sasori sits back and awaits an answer

"I…I have quite an interest in it, why do you ask?"

"In your file, it mentioned when you were younger you enjoyed art"

He looked that deep into to my file? Nobody has ever spoken about it randomly in conversation with me before, why of all people is he talking about it so casually?

"What is your concept of art?" He asks, seeming very intrigued.

"Fleeting. See this pot?" I picked up a porcelain vase carrying flowers to the side of me and let go, seeing it crash to the ground and shatter.

"It would be better if I had something explosive though" I sighed and looked back at him.

Again, no fear but something else, he seemed quite angry inside. Was it because I just smashed a vase? Will he have to pay for the damage? Was it his vase?

"I don't agree, art should be something eternal"

"Like the screaming in my mind?"

He shot me a look.

"It should be something that is there forever, passed down through generations and admired"

"Hey, whatever helps you sleep" I laughed playing with my fringe

Art being eternal? Please, eternal is terrible, everything should be fleeting, like my life… well I wish it would be anyway.

"That is probably the reason you can't then" He shot back

Oh, good one. I can actually have banter with this guy, this is very new. How can he act so casual though, sitting in a room with a guy that could kill him at any time and yet here he is discussing art as if he was conversing with an old friend?

"What's the deal?" I ask

"Did I offend you?"

"No, it was actually quite a good come back. But what I mean is… How are you acting so casual? Normally people are scared to even be in the same room as me"

"Well, I don't think people doing that are helping you, and you seem like an alright guy in fairness. Yes, things have happened in the past and the only way to get over that is to give you some normality back" He straightened up, and locked my gaze again

"I don't care if you don't want help or not, I'm here to stay, so get used to seeing me around" He smirked

Here to stay? Added with a smirk? I don't understand any of this, of all people therapists should know not to lie. But what if he's telling the truth, and he actually will stay? No… everybody lies to me, best not to get my hopes up.

After that we continued to focus more on my disorders and how they affect me and others around me, from when I was young till now, I couldn't really remember much but we were able to work through it whilst throwing in a bit of banter here and there.

The session was originally only an hour but it was quite a few hours later when we finished, some of the time I did start to get paranoid and worried about things, and my mind did try to scream, but apart from that I was fine, it was the one time that I remember actually feeling half normal, and it was really nice to feel that.

Afterwards they escorted me back to my abode of nothingness and insanity, chucking me in like they would a drunk to a cell and locking the key. I placed myself in my usual spot and the silent screams came clawing back, dragging the weight of the world with them. Joy, back to my usual self it seems.

It had been so long since I've had a proper conversation that I had completely forgot I had humour, I was actually able to hold a conversation without freaking out. There was something about Sasori that had made me feel as at ease as I could, and I couldn't figure out why.

I spent more time over thinking things than I should've and come dinner they actually for the first time in months let me eat with others, they think I'm safe now right? That I'm not going to kill anyone now? I can't understand any of it.

As they walked me down the corridors the screaming in my head becomes louder and starts to fill my whole body, shaking it like a jail cell, begging to be let out. It takes over my body, I can just managing to stand on two feet, everything around was becoming more and more chaotic, everything suddenly becoming more blurry, they had won this time.

Before they completely took over I could see red, sweet red.
Eyes clouded in deep vermillion,
While my throbbing legs collapse,
Controlled by sweet hallucinations.
Then, everything faded to black.

"How have you been since your accident Deidara?" Sasori coaxed me out of my daydream

I was in the oh so familiar loony room that I've been locked in for a few days, funnily enough they actually agreed to let Sasori see me as usual. He brought with him an aura of soothing, the room didn't seem as scary as before, just his presence was enough to calm me.

Even so, I didn't feel like talking. I just want to sleep, to sleep so much, but I never can.

I shrugged.

"Do you know what caused it to happen?"

I shrugged again.

"It would help if you spoke to me" He rested his chin on his hand

Since there isn't much furniture in here we had to sit on the floor, I guess that's fine for me as I'd end up using something to either break out or kill myself, they don't trust me with much because of those reasons.

I dragged my eyes away from the floor and stared at Sasori, he looked like he usually did, clean and crisp with that red hair. I'm not sure what it was about his hair, but it was so intriguing, so tempting just to touch it, but staring would suffice.

"It's pretty much been the same, only getting a few hours sleep, having nightmares, over thinking all day, not wanting to eat, hearing more screams, then feeling nothing, the list is endless" I sighed, shifting slightly on the cold floor.

"Has no one come to check up on you?"

"They are all too scared of me, the only contact I've had is them pushing meals through the door and them telling me that you're here to see me"

He scowled then reached to his side and set a briefcase in front of him, I gave him a questioning look as he pulled out paper and pencils, and some other art supplies including paint, clay and wooden carvings. I leant over to feel the paper and it seemed to be quite expensive and the pencils where all labelled, not the cheap ones I'm used to seeing.

"What's this, primary school?" I laughed at the array of supplies in front of me.

"I thought you'd need a release, rather than over thinking as you put it, you could occupy your mind with art, I'm sure you haven't done this is a while, am I right?"

"Yeah they don't trust me with much. Is that clay?" I brightened up as I spotted various clays to the side.

"Yep, knock yourself out, you can use anything" Sasori smirked picking up a wooden sculpture and string.

I admit I did feel like I was back in school, but I honestly didn't care, it had been so long since I've felt this happy before, and it always seems to be around Sasori, and he's right, I'll occupy my mind from the world for a bit, I deserve it after all.

"Forgive me, I'm a bit rusty, after a few hours I'll adjust" I reached over to the clay a smile plastered on my face and that weird feeling in my heart.

As I worked on the clay, I couldn't help look at Sasori, he was concentrating hard on placing the crevices of the wood to fit with each other, his tongue poking out the side of his mouth idly and brows knitted together in concentration.

The feeling came again, but harder than ever before, like a blast of air furiously hitting me in the chest, I started to panic but calmed myself with the clay, smoothing it, rolling it, whatever I could to avoid that feeling, it normally goes away, but it feels like it's made it's nest now, like it's here to stay.

After my meeting with him, the meetings continued, I started to brighten up when I saw him, and my paranoia seemed to ease slightly, it helped to get everything on paper, sometimes I would go into a trance, like I had no say in what I was doing and the voices would control my arms and create for me, they were the more gruesome side of my creativity.

But when Sasori was gone I'd count the days till I next see him, sweet… red… On the days waiting everything came back, the screams, the depression, everything like a weight dragging me back to the black hole of life, forgetting happiness and dreams of giving up, jumping onto the weight and let it pull me down so far I don't even have to breathe.

After I told him that, he seemed to be having more sessions with me, one every week, it helped a great deal, I was even able to sit at the table with the other loonies and eat, only if he was by my side though, I was quite withdrawn even then, but with him being there it wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought. Its funny how all therapists in the past let me down, but not this one; this one had made an impression, and was here to stay.

It's been quite a few months since Sasori first started seeing me and I can really see myself gradually healing, all my illnesses and my past I can forget when he is around, and I want to keep it that way. I… I need to tell him the truth, the fact that I love him. I am actually capable of loving someone, and feel okay with that.

The nurses let me make my own way to the meeting room, though they know I hate walking down these plain white corridors that stretch for miles, it's like a maze to trap rats and once they finally get to their destination… bang, caught in a trap never to escape.

Bang is such an interesting expression, such fun within it and elements of art in my case, I'm not sure why it sounds so fun, bang, bang, bang…

"Bang bang, bang, bang, bang bang"

"Come in Deidara"

I stood outside the door, shaking; I could hear his voice, Sasori's voice. Today will be the day I tell him, but what if he declines, I'm not even sure if he swings that way, what if like everyone else I say something stupid and he turns his back on me, am I even good enough for him?

I made my way inside, still full of paranoia, normally it would fade when I saw him, but not this time, it just kept rising and rising till I was a nervous wreck.

"Everything okay, brat?" My heart thumped at that

Since our sessions we've been comfortable with giving each other nicknames, He is Sasori no Danna but inside he will always be My Sweet Red.

I nodded and shifted around on my chair looking at the ground trying to keep myself under control. Life would be so much easier if he could actually realise my feelings, but hey, life isn't fair and certainly not to me in any case.

"…Deidara?"

All of you, I want you,
(Realize these feelings, why won't you realize them?)
I want you so much I'm shaking

I'm not good enough for him, he is way too good for me, I'm a troubled psycho that is suicidal and has no real meaning in life what so ever, and then there is him successful charming and worth so much more than he gets credit for. Why was I so stupid to actually think I'd actually be able to do this? Idiot! You're a messed up nothing that nobody would ever want.

I need to get out of here before I have a panic attack, I'm sorry My Sweet Red I'll have to face you tomorrow, right now all my legs will do is buckle as I try to run back to solitude, I have to get away, I'm not ready for this. I can hear a faint voice calling my name, but I can't do this, all I want is to get away, to sleep, to do anything else to occupied my mind, this is way beyond my capabilities at the present.

Since I freaked out they haven't let me see Sasori at all, but they decided to let me see him today for some unknown reason. I'll ensure I see him and make sure to tell him how I feel without wimping out like a little schoolgirl, pathetic.

On my way; there seems to be more escorts than before, guessing they are back to high maintenance again, it couldn't be because I freaked out could it? I've done much worse things in the past, maybe some other loony got loose so they didn't want the most insane one to catch on.

As I reach for the door one of them takes a sharp inhale whilst another seems quite fidgety. Honestly what is their problem? I'm not going to escape whilst I'm getting help from Sasori, so why do they seem so tense?

"You would've thought this place was on lockdown or something by the way they're acting" I mused

"Welcome Deidara" An unfamiliar female voice chirped

Wait, that's not Sasori, why has My Sweet Red been replaced with some dull unfamiliar therapist? Where is Sasori? Why is she here?

"I'm sure you're probably wondering who I am, right?" She cocked her head

I don't care who she is, I want to know where Sasori is and I couldn't care less about anything else.

"Where is Sasori?" I stated, still standing in unease

"He no longer sees you-"

"What?! He has been my therapist for months, why has he gone? He promised he'd stay, why has he left me?!" I could feel a panic attack coming on

"Your sessions ended Deidara"

"No, they haven't. Give him back now, what have you done to him?!"

"He has been transferred to a place he is more capable of helping" She stated

No.

He promised he wouldn't leave me.

I… I was going to tell him.

He's gone.

The screams that filled my mind were turning into shrills, my anger burning within them making them louder and louder till everything else had become mute. The institute never wanted my well-being, they just wanted a test experiment, they saw I was able to cope around Sasori so they cut him loose from me. Well, if that's how they want to play, that's how I'll play.

Inside of me, inside of me, inside of me, of me.
One, one word to describe it.
Endlessly, endlessly, endlessly.
For me it endlessly repeats.
(Insanity is overflowing)
It repeats, it repeats, it repeats, it repeats, it repeats.
The screaming repeats.

"You've taken him away from me; you've taken away my everything"

Rage surging in my blood, screams piercing my head, let us out they cry. I cradle my head, trying to stop them, last time they came out is the reason why I'm not allowed back into civilisation, but I have no strength, they are overpowering me, I'm losing control.

Let us out.

…O-okay.

…

…

..-The look on her poor face, unknown to what is going on, such a pity indeed, if only she knew that I'm going to be the last thing she'll ever see. She flinches as I smash a pot with one hand, shards sliding their way into my flesh; I can only laugh as the tickling sensation pours out.

I wish she wouldn't look so worried, but I'll make sure that turns into fear soon enough, whimper my dear as the shard gouges your neck, pretend you're my little clay figurine and I'm moulding you into a masterpiece. The skin seems to rip open as neatly as tearing paper, the gurgling sounds she makes whilst chocking on her own blood calms me.

I've grabbed the left arm and it's sweet.
It's maddening, the right hand is sweet.
Sweet, sweet.
I scream with a smile on my face.
It's happening again, so enjoyable, so enjoyable.
Finally my wish, so enjoyable, so enjoyable.
I'm shaking, I'm shaking.
So enjoyable, so enjoyable!

"Everybody stay back!"

Oh what's this, more play things? I cock my head around to see nurses and doctors cowering in fear, and one bold sod seems to be holding a tranquiliser? Hah, poor, poor things, if only they'd kept to my wishes they wouldn't be in this mess.

Before he could shoot I strike him with another shard in-between his eyes, so fast it was like a gunshot, seeping into his brow with an astounding crack and an audience of screams to lighten the mood. He loses control of the tranquiliser and it falls to the ground, soon after, almost like dominoes he falls, stuttering and crying… pathetic.

These screams coming from your shivering throat,
the melody becomes a vermillion rainbow.
This hue from slaughtering you,
what a sweet and deep colour it releases.
These screams coming from your shrivelling throat,
when red rains fown painting my lips
I ascend this wonderful stage
where I dance alone.

Soon all I can see is red, all bystanders slaughtered and those painfully dull white walls now redecorated with a splash of colour and the memories of a man gone mad. Now nothing can stand in the way of getting to Sasori, oh where could he be? I remember him mentioning something about where he lives "only a few blocks over, a small house on the corner, easy to spot" I'll go now, I need to see My Sweet Red. Nothing will stop me.

Nobody seems to be around as I make my way to fresh air; I wonder where they all went? Probably looking for that loony I was on about earlier, heh. Even the buzzers to get from one place to another were deactivated, how silly of them to do such a thing, it makes for such a boring escape.

I seems to be night time as I make my way to the main gate, I missed seeing the stars and the taste of freedom, it makes things that seem impossible seem so much easier, especially clambering over the massive gate that separates everything wrong in the world from everything right within it.

Only a few blocks over.

Red... red...
sweet... sweet...

A small house on the corner.

My Sweet Red, I will find you.

Easy to spot.

Red... red...
sweet... sweet...

Finally, the house of my dreams and the house of future, where Sasori resides all alone in need of company, I will grant him company and will finally be at ease with life. I could start again; we could start again, forget the past and be rid of everything that has done us wrong.

I continue to kick the door open, I'm sick of having to fumble doorknobs with wet hands it's easier to use my feet. I hear a crash and Sasori emerging in panic clutching a knife, he looks ever so frightened, I wonder why? Have I done something to scare him?

"They hid you from me, its okay… I found you" I calmly state

I begin to step towards him but a scream erupts from his throat and he darts off into the living room. What kind of welcome home is that? This isn't how I imagined anything, what have I done?! I proceed into the living room and see him cowering in fear near the couch.

"Keep away!" He screeches

Why? I begin to step back but realisation hits me, why should I? I did this for us, they kept him away from me, and it's not fair I should be greeted with this. Maybe if I explain to him why this happened he would understand.

"I love you, I did this for us" I breathed "My Sweet Red…"

Realize these feelings,
Why won't you realize them?
Insanity is overflowing,
how can I stop?
If I crush my feelings,
what should I strive for?
My overflowing love can't be stopped!

"Keep away from me! Get out!" I hear him cry

K…keep away?

Sasori, the only person I've ever been able to be normal with, is declining me?

Get out?

This can't be happening, my… heart.

No! I need him to realise the good we could have! I'm not leaving him! Maybe if I show him, he could understand me if I pick him up, or hug him, or anything!

As I make my way over he slashes the blade wildly, I only take it from him and shake him, making him face me, his eyes filled with fear and tears and hair damp. It's no good, maybe I should hug him. As I wrap my hands around him I feel the knife hit something, a cry of pain erupts from Sasori.

Will my thoughts not reach you?
Whose reflection is that in your eyes?
Is my heart broken?
Will you ever return?
Will carved wounds never heal?
Then what about the wounds of time!?

If he doesn't understand how much I love him, maybe I should try making him, I'll make him know, I'll make him love me back! As I make my way to hug him again the screams erupt in my head once more, taking over my body.

…

…

Oh precious Sweet Red, you never understood, even with my love gouging at your neck, pouring my love into you, you still haven't a clue. It's a shame, I loved you dearly, and I will now make you see what could've been yours.

I insert a sharp nail into his porcelain neck hitting a vein whilst doing so, blood trickles out to my delight, I tear my own full nail off with a yank and scream with pleasure as the skin leaves my finger, afterwards I place it back on my beloveds open vein in hope that he will finally understand if I mix our blood.

I love you, Sasori.

Controlled by sweet hallucinations,
I play a tune that blooms from my five fingers.
The sound of crimson tea dripping
as I gouge them into your neck."

He is still thrashing, shouldn't he be in understanding by now? He should love me back by now!

"All of you, I want you,
(Realize these feelings, why won't you realize them?)
I want you so much I'm shaking.
Should I stop piercing into your delicious pulse?
(Insanity is overflowing, how can I stop?)
I dirty your skin,
(If I crush my feelings, what should I strive for?)
but the one defiled is me.
Stroking it lovingly
(My overflowing love can't be stopped)
to kill my urges."

All my life I've been hated and scared of, everybody turns their back on me, I'm known as the monster that killed his own family, the psychopath that will never be loved and never be wanted, always feared and shooed away for as long as I can remember. Why has life choose me as its plaything? Why not anyone else? Why me?

Sweet... sweet...
red... red...
You're sweet.
So sweet!
Red, so red!
I'LL KILL YOU!

Blood splatters across my face as I say goodbye to my love, caressing his heart with the tip of the blade. His once happy life has turned into a corpse of fear; his ever so caring eyes now reduced to tears, still as a puppet with no strings, the sirens outside produce an everlasting ring.

…

…

"Sasori…?"

What have I done? This shouldn't have happened, none of this should've happened… why? Why every time must the screams take the reins, I am never going to be free of it, why do I fill my head with stupid fantasies? There is no point anymore.

I pull Sasori's lifeless body into an embrace and cradle him letting my sorrow spill from my eyes onto his blood soaked shirt; I stay like this until I hear the sirens getting closer, men shouting and footsteps approaching.

The only way that this will stop is if I end everything. I will be free of the screams, free of myself, finally able to be normal, not having to worry when the next wave of depression may hit, I could finally be free. I will also be able to see Sasori again, apologize to him. This idea seems so wonderful, so intriguing, and I have the power to do so.

I lift the knife up to my chest, slowly force it in, I'm able to feel it as it slices its way through my skin but somehow it doesn't hurt, every time it gets deeper all I can feel is release, as it scrapes at my heart I finally know, my new life has arrived, I am finally free, the screams disappear.

I am finally me.

Links:
Song; watch?v=xOz-T3NPtLA&feature=related
Cover Picture; .cz/en/0912/deidara-celej-od-krve

I really hope you enjoyed this, I'm still trying to work on how to tidy up my writing and make it flow more, but I've tried my best.
I would really appreciate it if you review, and maybe give me tips on how to improve? Thank you ever so much! :D