The sun rose glamorously as a new dawn emerged. Nearby, birds chirped, relieved that they'd be getting some warmth on this January day.
Edward G. Robinson stirred in his bed, very much dossing.
Even though it was a Tuesday, Edward G. Robinson didn't have to work. He never had to work. Everyday, Edward did what he wanted to do, and nobody would dare to object to it.
A creaking of a door, alerted the awesome gangster, and his peepers quickly shot open. As his bedroom door slowly became ajar, the gangster grabbed his uzi that was always stored on the desk, a few feet away from his bed.
Despite feeling joed, Edward raised the uzi in anticipation, but lowered it when he found it was just his pussy roomate, Snarf.
Robinson emitted a heavy sigh, as he put the roscoe down and lit up a snipe.
He puffed on it a few times before speaking.
"Damn it, twit. One of these days, I'll make a brodie and plug you. Why don't you knock, see"?
"Gee, Edward, I'm sorry. I had a nightmare, and came here so you could comfort me."
"Murder! I swear it. I'll turn you from a Joe into plenty rugged one of these days. It was just a dream, that's all. You should be hard boiled,see."
Edward took another long puff on his snipe before he put it out.
"Well, as long as the two of us are awake and we shake a leg, what do you say that we get some breakfast at McDonald's"?
Snarf smiled and nodded.
The two left their cave.
Gangster Ed, wearing iron with his Chicago typewriter, and Snarf, started walking the path to the restaurant. Along the way, the duo saw a Pachuco playing a gobble-pipe and the feline handed the player some tin.
They continued walking, a bit faster now, as both realized that they were very famished. A couple of minutes later, after bumping gums, the pair entered the doors of the Golden Arches.
Gangster Ed was pleased to see that there was no line. The invisible people in line should be grateful too. Ed was evil, as he was still angry about what his roomate had done about an hour before.
He approached the face twist and spoke up.
"What's up sweetcheeks? I'd like two number ones, with a glass of hooch, see."
The broad stared back at him and shook her head.
"I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell alcohol here."
"Well, that's a curve. Alright, can I have a dog soup with my order?"
"Aces, sir. That'll be six checks and fifty cents."
Edward paid the babe with some cabbage, and tossed her a sawbuck. After he received his change, he spoke up again.
"I don't know if anyone has told you this, but you're certainly a butter and egg fly. You are cute as a bug's ear. I'd dare say that I'm dizzy with a dame. You're not a moll, are you?"
The dame didn't crust him. Instead, she blew her wig.
"Well, despite me being behind the grind,and a scrub, I'll certainly dig about it. No, I'm not a moll. I'm not an egg, either. Everyone deserves at least one egg harbor."
Gangster Ed flashed a grin.
"That's great news, dollface. Since I'm a butter and egg man, we'd have a clam-bake. I'll admit I'm a dingy dead hoofer, myself, but I love clip joints, gin mills, speakeasies, wingdings, and ring-a-ding-dings. You're a cat, aintcha?"
"You shred it, wheat. I'm not one of those tin ears. I'll tell you what. I'll give you a dil-ya-ble. You do have an ameche, right?"
"Of course I do. I live in the apple. I'm not just some whacky, all wet, beat, crumb, that's togged to the bricks. I-
Snarf interrupted him.
"Um. Excuse me, Ed. Can you talk to her after I get my breakfast, I'm really hungry."
Ed whirled around.
"What's your story, morning Glory? Nuts! Bite your tongue, genius. Can't you see that things are eggs in coffee? You should mitt me, kid!"
Ed whirled back around. He was giving Snarf the high hat.
The dame spoke again.
"Kippy and keen. I'm a wheat, so I'd love if you could show me around. Why don't you write low down, you juicy pip."
After Robinson did so, he said, "Abyssinia."
He called to Snarf.
"C'mon, pally, it's time to make tracks.'
"But I haven't had my breakfast yet."
"Don't worry about that. I'll buy you all the way and a baby with my salad I got last week."
The feline frowned. He wasn't a pill, and, Ed's offer didn't seem too bad.
The gangster waved his dukes at the broad, and she blew a honey cooler as a response.
The pair then took a powder.
"Apologies for that, my feline pally, but, I'm an abercrombie when it comes to babes. I always am bulging.
"You and me both. It wasn't a total trip for biscuits. That dame was certainly a looker. Slip me five. There's squat to apologize for, anyway."
The two slipped eachother five.
"Here you go, Snarf. Here's some greenbucks for you breakfast."
Ed slipped him two Lincolns, which Snarf gratefully took.
Back on the walk back to their cave, they passed a street skin tickler and a meatwagon.
"Uh oh. Maybe another Okie became a lunger again," said Edward.
"Or maybe someone had a slugburger and is suffering from terrible stomach pain. Who knows," said Snarf.
The two became wrapped up in their conversation that they unknowingly walked right past a copper and flatfoot.
"You two," the copper called to them. "Come forward."
They duo had no choice, and walked hastily with their pillars towards them.
Upon arriving, the flatfoot showed his buzzer.
"Greetings, you two. We're surveying the area to search people for sourdough. Do the two of you submit to a search and seizure?"
"Yo!" said Snarf and Edward G. Robinson, in unison.
"We've heard reports of chisel grifters that have been using sourdough Lincolns. As well as people who have been K balling. You two wouldn't happen-
The G-man abruptly stopped talking.
"Why do you have a gap on you?"
Edward had to think quickly.
"I'm a bruno."
"Ah, I see. Well then, you're all set, sir."
However, Snarf wasn't so lucky.
"Well, well, what do we have here," said the officer, holding up what he found.
There, in his hand, were the two bills that Gangster Ed had given him, a few minutes before.
"I'm going to need you to spread your hocks, kitty cat. You're headed to the hoosegow.
"Oh, this is boulderdash. I'm a patsy! Tell him Ed!
Robinson walked over to where Snarf was standing, and delivered a quick gut punch.
"There's nothing to tell, you've always been off the cob and and wet smack to me, see?"
"So I'm taking the rap for you being a snitch, eh?"
"Nonsense. I set you up, see. This cinder dick is a personal friend of mine. I knew he'd stakeout here and wait for us."
"You... you... Your plan was to bleed me, eh?"
A smirk flashed on the gangster's face.
"That's right, genius. You're gumming the works of my life. Okay, cinder dick, take him away."
The railroad detective grabbed Snarf and walked him to his flivver, their feet kiboshing as they walked.
"You... dirtbag! I'll see to it that you get the hotsquat for something. I hope that dame is really a golddigger!"
Infuriated, Ed took out his roscoe, and aimed at Snarf.
"If you prefer, you can skip the big house, and you can go right into a Chicago overcoat."
Snarf laughed.
"You've always struck me as a gunsel, Ed."
Robinson pressed the hammer down and moved the gun another inch towards Snarf's face.
"Say that again."
"Whoa, whoa, stop it Ed. I may be your pally, but murder is still murder. Besides, if you kill this thing right here, some house dicks will start to investigate, and it'll be all in the press. He's going to the hoosegow. Snarf, give Edward the kiss off.
Snarf spat at the gangsters feet, and was put in the car and hauled off.
After returning to his cave, Edward shot himself up with a cadillac and began drinking a rot gut.
He slept the rest of the day.
LATER THAT NIGHT
The best gangster that ever lived trudged over to his telephone and dialed the dame's number that she wrote down for him.
"Let's see, 8-6-7-5-3-0-9"
Ring ring.
Ring ring.
Ring ring.
Ring ri-
"Hello?"
"Jenny"?
"Yo"!
"This is the guy you met at the restaurant today. My name is Edward G. Robinson, sweetcheeks."
"Oh, yes! The pip"!
He chuckled.
"You've got good taste, dame. What do you say that the two of us hit the apple tonight, see"?
"Yo"!
"Perfect. Then I'll swing you at eight."
"Sounds good, G."
"See you then."
*CLICK*
Edward hung up the phone. Finally, he caught a break. Even though he was a gangster, there weren't many muffins, left. All the babes that he knew were molls.
Snarf made his way down the corridor of the prison. It was a dark place and very damp. There was a cold draft coming in from somewhere.
He was infuriated. He considered Edward a friend, but Edward stabbed him in the back. Snarf couldn't help that he was annoying. That was his character. He mentally kicked himself and told himself that when he gets out of here, he'd show a side of him that he'd wish remained dormant.
"Come forward and get into your cell, criminal," said a burly copper, with a pistol stuffed inside of his pocket.
Snarf complied and entered the dingy cell. Inside, the odor was horrendous. Snarf didn't know what it was, nor did he care. He'd just have to put up with it for a few weeks and he'd be released.
The copper slammed Snarf's cell shut and a BANG ricocheted off the walls of the basement prison.
After making sure that the cell was locked, he began walking upstairs.
"Hey, mack. What are you in for"?
The small brown feline turned around to see a middle-aged man sitting on a bunker, absentmindedly tracing a hole in the wall with his finger.
"Sourdough."
The inmate smirked.
"Tough break, cat. I'm imprisoned for allegedly slipping a Micky in a drink that I bought for this broad."
"Did you"?
"No. I know it was that gunsel Edward G. Robinson. He's always had it in for me."
"Did you just say Edward G. Robinson"?
"Yeah. That guy really had an issue with me. I know he slipped it in the drink and then bleeded me. Why? Do you know him"?
"Know him? He's the whole reason that I'm incarcirated in here."
"He screwed you over, too"?
"Yeah. He was my roomate for a while, but double-crossed me earlier today."
The inmate smirked again.
"Well, let's make a pact then. If the two of us get out of here, we need to meet up on the outside, and take this guy out."
Snarf grinned wickedly.
"It's a plan."
The two slipped five and grinned at eachother.
"You looked very smooth tonight, Jenny," Edward said warmly.
"Charmed. You look very doggy, Ed."
"Come. Let's make our way to a clip joint, see."
The duo got in Gangster Ed's car and sped off toward the clip joint.
"So tell me, sweetcheeks. What's a dame like you doing working at a place like McDonald's?"
"Well, I'm behind the grind, and a scrub. I had to take what I could get. One can't become a butter and egg person without dedication."
Ed nodded and silence fell.
A few moments later, he stopped his flivver.
"We're here."
Inside, a platter was playing, while a canary performed for the crowd. The sounds of a dog house echoed through the speaker.
The two sat at a table and Robinson stared at the canary. She fumbled her vocals and quickly tried to catch up, murmuring, hoping nobody noticed.
He chuckled.
"Gee, looks like there's a scat singer for tonight, see."
Jenny stared back at him.
"You know, Ed. If we have more nights like this, I think that you'll find yourself a fem."
"You know, I was in the armed forces once." Snarf said.
"Hm"?
"Yeah. I was a major. SnarfMajur was my name. That damn gangster knew that and he still set me up. You'd think that he'd show more respect, especially since I always had his back."
"Hey, calm down, pally. He'll get what's coming to him soon."
"Rrg. I know. It's just horrible to be stuck in here, while that gunsel roams free. It-"
Snarf ceased his rapid talking as a grin flashed acrossed his face.
"I've gotten an idea. Listen up."
Snarf recited his plan with the inmate who nodded subtly before smirking.
"That's perfect."
After the date, Gangster Ed was driving his dame back to herhome.
He parked the car and she turned to him.
"Ed"?
"Hm"?
"Are you a gardener"?
"Um. No. I've never done any of that work."
"That's a shame. I was wondering if you wanted to plant your zucchini in my backyard."
"..."
She flashed him a mischeivous smile and the two went inside to make whoopee.
Inside the bedroom, things were heating up quicker than the lowest pit of hell. The gangster was honey coolering his broad. She was loving it. It was juicy. She returned the honey coolers ten-fold.
Jenny stripped her clothes off and exposed her tits to the gangster.
"What do you think of these"?
Edward grinned a coy grin.
"I think they're nobby."
The two had the best sex of their lives, and I would describe it in great detail, but some of the stuff that the two did can not be written down.
TWO MONTHS LATER
"Alright, you two. Get to stepping."
The guard unlocked the cell door that contained Snarf and his new pally. They exited the cell.
"I hope you two learned your lesson. Next time, your sentencing will get longer. Now get out of here."
The two left the prison and stepped outside for the first time in two months.
Sadly, for them, it was a gloomy day. Rain seemed imminent and clouds seemed lower than they remembered. The sky was covered in a grainy dark grey, and there was a chance of thunderstorms.
However, the two could not be stirred. Today was the day that they planned to put their plan in action.
"So, you're confident that this will work?" Questioned his ex-inmate.
"Absolutely. That guy is absolutely dizzy for this dame. He'll try to save the day."
His ex-inmate, Omran, nodded his head.
"Sounds good. Lead the way, Snarf."
"I can't believe that it's already been two months," said Jenny.
"You shred it, wheat. It's certainly seemed longer than that.
"I've got something for you that I want to give to you later. Why don't you swing by around seven?"
"That sounds great, sweetcheeks."
"Ohh my."
Gangster Ed and Jenny began making out like prepubescent seventh graders. It was if they never kissed before, even though they did, if you read the part that came before this part.
The two broke apart with a SCHLUCK sound and a thicky gooey trail of saliva stretched from one of their mouths to the other's.
"Alright, dame, I gotta go do gangsterish stuff. Abyssinia"
Robinson was chilling at his guy pad, headbanging to Ozzy Osbourne.
"All aboard! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
He began air drumming, pleased that nobody was around to see him do it. Then again, it didn't matter if someone was, for he'd just pump their guts full of lead.
"I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train. I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy TRAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN" His last note reached such high decibles that it shattered all the windows in his cave.
"Ah shit."
He lit up a cigarette and smoked it all in one breath.
"Swag."
He checked the time and couldn't believe it.
"Damn, I'm a twit. I'm late."
He ran through the room and had his hand on the doorknob. But, his eye caught something on the wall.
He stared at the mirror that was parralell to the wall.
"Oh, yes. IMDABES."
Gangster Ed positioned his fingers like guns and pointed them at the mirror, while clicking his tongue and raising his eyebrows.
He went outside and hitched a ride on his pet dragon. Ed grabbed on the back of the dragon, the red scaly skin, feeling rough in his hands. He hoisted himself up and shouted his famous gangster yell, "HI HO SILVER, AWAY"!
This was it. He was doing it. Edward G. Robinson was SWAGGIN', SWAGGIN', on a dragon, nigga.
The majestic creature took flight and with one flap of its wings, demolished the rest of the apple that Edward lived in.
"Well, there goes the city. No matter. I'm on a dragon now, see. What would I need the city for"?
The dragon was soaring through the dark cool night. The breeze slapped G's face hard. They were four-thousand feet in the air and Edward was feeling the cold.
No matter. He was on his way to see his broad. The cold could fuck off, for all he cared.
The dragon reached her house in under a minute, due to being extremely big. His wings along was fifty feet.
Knock.
Knock knock.
Knock.
...
Knock.
"Hey, sweetcheeks what's the matter? You aren't dossing are you?"
He turned the doorknob and was surprised to find it unlocked.
"What's this"?
G found a note next to her amache.
Edward,
What's up, see? Do you remember us? The two that you fraudelently framed for heinous activities? Well, we're out, now. That's right. We kidnapped your precious dame. If you want to see her again, come down to the train tracks. You have until midnight. If you're not there by midnight, we'll plug her.
~ Snarf and Omran
"Oh no! They got my dame, see"!
The gangster bursted through the wall of her house like a wrecking ball. He had to save her! Whistling, he tried to located the dragon. However, he had disappeared.
Shruggging, Ed thought, "Ah, well. Must be pillaging a nearby town somewhere. I've got more problems than dragons, though. My babe is in trouble!"
Gangster G saw a car coming, and he Grand Theft Auto styled it. He ripped the door open, kicked the driver in the face, grabbed his collar with one hand, and chucked him out of his own car.
That wasn't enough.
Gangster G backed up, and floored the accelerator. Turning the steering wheel, he made sure that he'd hit his target.
WHAM!
The man got hit and, in true GTA fashion, Edward backed up again and ran over him a second time.
Revving the engine, Robinson was going over one-hundred miles an hour. He knew it was ironic, but he started headbanging to Crazy Train again. He felt it was appropriate.
I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train. I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy TRAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIN.
The railroad was around the corner. He roughly jerked the steering wheel to make the turn.
He got out of the car and looked around. It was quiet. Too quiet. Where was everyone? His attention got diverted to a beastly roar. He ran toward the sound and found the dragon, surrounding everyone.
Well, what was left of everyone, rather.
Snarf and Omran were burnt to a crisp, obviously dead from the dragon's spewing flames, because dragons breathe fire.
But where was Jenny?
"ED"!
Whirling, Ed found her, she was crouching behind some boxes.
"Muffin," Edward cried, running towards her. "Oh, I thought that you were dead. I feared that either those two had killed you or the dragon did."
"The dragon saved me. Oh, G. You should have saw it. The dragon bursted on the scene and just started attacking them with its claws. They tried to fight back, but there was nothing that either of them could have done."
"Let's go home, dame."
The two climbed on the back of the dragon, which took them both home.
Once there, the two snuggled on the couch while eating apple pie.