Author's Notes: Once again inspired by LilacMermaid's LiveJournal prompts. I have taken up the challenge of "nobody knows this about her, but Mac has been afraid to let anyone get too close ever since the death of her beloved brother." Ok, in my mind, Will knew about her brother…but never really put all the pieces together until recently. Takes place a couple of months after the season one finale. Here we go…
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon, I suppose
~Billy Joel, And So It Goes
"Mackieeee" the shrill little cry would wake her at night. Leaving her heart beating as she bolted upright in bed searching for where the sound had come from. It was a cry she hadn't heard in years, but still, it could set her teeth on edge. She looked around her bedroom, sure she would find some clue as to why she was having these dreams again.
Just then her phone rang and she looked over at the screen of her mobile. Of course…how did he do that? She swore they had some sort of telepathic connection. Whenever she woke from one of these nightmares, her phone would ring or her email would signal she had a message and it was always Will. Sometimes it was as if they had never been apart. And she loved it and she hated it at the same time.
"What Will?" she barked into the phone.
"Did you know that they use the same machine to fill up tubes of oil paint that they use to fill toothpaste tubes?" he asked. She couldn't help it, she burst out laughing. When he couldn't sleep Will watched 'How It's Made.'
"No Will, I didn't know that. I'm assuming they clean the machine first?" she asked.
"I didn't mean they literally use the same exact machine Mackenzie. I meant they use the same type of machine" he told her with exasperation.
"Well, that makes much more sense then. Might I ask why you are learning about such things at three in the morning Will?"
"Couldn't sleep. And obviously you can't either…it doesn't sound like I woke you."
"Maybe I was otherwise engaged" she told him, drawing out the syllables and implying something far more exciting than another lonely night in her empty apartment.
Deafening silence met her ears. Then the stuttering began.
"Oh God Mac, I'm sorry…I didn't know you were seeing anyone…I'll let you go…" Will stammered.
"Relax Will, I was kidding. I'm alone and yes, I was already awake. Nervous about tonight's interview?" she asked.
"Excited, not nervous. I've never interviewed a sitting President before. I just don't want to turn this into some sort of gang up on the Democrat because I didn't get to moderate the Republican debates fiasco" he almost whispered that last part.
"You won't do that Will. He's the President and you won't do that. Besides, I would never let you…so stop worrying."
"Ok. Why are you awake anyway Mackenzie? You looked about ready to drop when you left the office."
"If I looked so awful and sleep-deprived why are you calling me at zero dark thirty?" she asked, pushing her hair behind her ears and rubbing her eyes.
"I don't know. I always used to wake you up when I couldn't sleep. It's a hard habit to break."
"What did you do when I was in Afghanistan? Call the housekeeper?" she wondered and then took notice of the fact that she hadn't phrased the question in less flattering terms. Such as, what did you do after I cheated on you and broke your heart?
"I played guitar a lot and paced the apartment. The neighbors are probably really glad you're back in the country Mackenzie."
This was dangerous. They were getting perilously close to discussing 'them' these days. She really didn't know what she expected. She had begged him to know what was on that damn message, but now that he was reaching out…making an effort, she was paralyzed with fear.
"Will, I have to get some sleep. I'll see you at work, ok?" she pleaded.
"Yeah, sorry to keep you up. Sleep well, Mac" he whispered and then she heard the click of his phone disconnecting.
She knew she had to be confusing the hell out of him…she was confusing herself these days. What the hell did she want? Fifteen months ago she would have said she wanted Will, but now that he seemed to be edging ever closer to her, she felt like running for the hills.
She shuffled back down into her pillows and stared out the window. Just as she was beginning to fall asleep again she could hear the lines of a children's nursery rhyme begin in her head. "Diddle, Diddle, Dumpling, my son John. Went to bed with his trousers on. One shoe off and one shoe on…diddle, diddle, dumpling , my son John." She wearily sat up in the bed again, cursing and throwing the covers off. Damn, she was never going to get any sleep at this rate.
Morning dawned cold and gray and Mackenzie trudged from the Starbuck's down the street back toward the office. She knew if she had any hope of making it through this day she was going to need massive infusions of caffeine continuously. This was not a broadcast she could screw up. Will would kill her…and she would never forgive herself.
She need not have worried though. Will was brilliant and she rarely even had to speak. She just stood back and admired the way he thoroughly, but respectfully, addressed topics ranging from troop pull outs in Iraq to the economy. It was times like this that she felt superfluous… unnecessary in his life. Maybe it was time to leave again. Wait…where the hell did that thought come from?
She wandered down to the terrace and looked out at New York. It really was beautiful here, especially now…late summer, early fall. It was still breezy and warm, but you could feel the autumn changes settling in. Soon the leaves would be turning…her favorite time of year in this city. She wanted to be here to see it, not off gallivanting around the world in search of the next big story. She wanted to be here with Will to see it.
"I thought you might be out here" his rough voice disturbed her thoughts.
"And I thought you would still be basking in the glow of that interview. You did very well Will" she told him, without turning around.
"What's up Mac? All your staff is in there getting photos on their phones with the President and making plans for drinks and you're out here all alone." He took a seat in one of the wrought iron chairs lined up along the wall and lit a cigarette.
"You're not supposed to smoke in those suits Will. We don't own them, Armani does" she admonished.
"I'll buy it if they're so damned offended and stop changing the subject Mackenzie. You've been avoiding me for days. What's going on?"
"Nothing is going on. I'm tired that's all. I'm not allowed to be tired?" she griped, turning around and fixing him with her stare.
"Of course you are. I'm sorry I called last night. Go home, get some sleep and rest assured that I will not disturb you at any time during the weekend with such useful information as how prosthetic limbs are made" he told her.
"I'll see you on Monday Will" she murmured and walked back into the building.
Sleep did not come any easier for her throughout the weekend, but at least she could nap on the sofa in the middle of the day when her eyelids began to droop. She paced, she puttered, and she generally wandered around her apartment at all hours cursing her insomnia and cursing Will McAvoy for sticking to his word and not calling her.
"Mackieeee" she heard again, just moments after falling into a fitful sleep on Sunday night. Once again, she bolted upright in bed and glanced around the room. This was ridiculous. And then the phone rang.
"Hello Will" she answered, not even bothering to look at the phone's display screen. Who else would be calling her at one in the morning?
"Ok, I know I said I wouldn't call. But Mackenzie, they're telling us how they make chocolate coins! You have to turn the television on!" he practically shouted into her ear. Sometimes, he really was just a fifty-year old child.
But his enthusiasm could be contagious when he got like this…mainly because it only happened around her. And she nearly cried with joy and sorrow at the return of the Will she knew before. The one who would wake her up on Christmas morning by dumping entire bags of chocolate coin candies into their bed. It was the one childhood memory they had in common.
They had grown up in different times and on different continents. While he had childhood memories of alcohol fueled rages and fights, she had memories of her close-knit family traveling the world together. While he fondly remembered The Beach Boys and The Beatles, she looked back on Tears for Fears and The Eurythmics. And when he craved Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, she craved Flake Bars. The one childhood memory they shared was receiving little bags of foil-wrapped chocolate coins every Christmas morning.
It was something they had learned about each other before they even began dating. Her father had visited just before Christmas…a rare treat. And after their lunch together, just before he was heading back to the airport, he had dropped the bag of chocolate coins on her desk. "Merry Christmas, Mackie" he had whispered and then he was gone. Will had walked into her office later that afternoon and his eyes had lit up at the sight of the candies. She shared the entire bag with him.
She shook herself out of her memories and reached for the remote control.
"Ok, Will. I'm turning on the television" she whispered into the phone and searched out The Science Channel. Sure enough, she watched as the delicate rounds of chocolate dropped into their little tin wrappings. It was hypnotic really, the way row after row of chocolate was formed and distributed along the conveyor belts.
"Mac?" he asked quietly.
"Yes?"
"Why are you still awake?"
"It's my turn for insomnia. It will pass Will, don't worry." Please, please Will. I don't want to talk about this. Please, just sit there and watch television with me from the other end of the phone.
"You could talk to Jacob" he offered.
"Who's Jacob?" she asked.
"Dr. Habib."
"I thought Habib's name was Abe?"
"Turns out a lot can happen in the four years you pay your shrink but don't actually go to the appointments. Abe died and passed the practice on to his son, Jacob. The kid looks like he just graduated from college, but he's good Mac. I could make you an appointment. I could make us an appointment?" he suggested…treading carefully.
"Us? Why would we need an appointment Will?"
"We're not talking Mackenzie" he told her.
"Of course we are…we're doing it right now." She knew she was being purposely obtuse. She really did not want to have this conversation right now. It was too late and she was too tired and he was getting too close.
"You're doing it again Mac" he whispered. No, no, no…stop it Will.
"I have to go Will" she said, grasping the phone and staring at the television as those chocolate coins continued to drop onto the conveyor belts.
"No you don't Mackenzie. What are you going to do, go back to staring at the walls? You're not sleeping, so at least use the time wisely. Tell me why suddenly, despite all these months of pushing your way back into my life, why won't you talk to me now?"
Damn, he was good. And he was right. They both knew now that she hadn't rejected him and they both knew that the mutual attraction had never died. But now, she was backing away. When what she wanted was finally within reach, she was pulling away from him.
"Please don't Will" she begged.
"I have to Mackenzie, because by the time the two of us figure this out we'll be receiving Social Security benefits."
She knew he was right, but every time she tried to reach out to him lately she got this horrible lump in her throat that made her feel like she couldn't breathe and she couldn't swallow and she couldn't possibly tell him what she wanted.
She held her breath and waited for what would come next, because he knew her too well and he knew that if he didn't push it now, when she was tired and her defenses were down, he would never get anywhere.
"Please Mackenzie, please talk to me" he pleaded. And he said it with such longing and such sorrow she couldn't have refused if her life depended on it.
"Ok" she whispered, so quietly that she wasn't sure he heard. But then he exhaled sharply and she knew he had.
"Thank you Mac. Thank you" he sighed in relief.
"When?" she asked.
"Tuesday morning at nine o'clock. We can take my usual appointment. If you need me to leave I will."
"Ok. And Will?" she asked hesitantly.
"Yeah?"
"I'm not doing it on purpose. You know that right?" Please, she thought to herself. Please tell me you know that I haven't been stringing you along this whole time, waiting until you wanted me back just so I could break your heart again. Please tell me you know what's wrong with me, because I don't Will…she wanted to beg.
"I know that Kenz. I know" he whispered and then hung up the phone.
She rolled over and wept. Because she was tired and because she was confused and because he had just called her Kenz for the first time in more than five years. And so, for the first time in days, she slept.
To Be Continued…