If I could blame the Pon Farr for my behavior, I would.
As far as anyone is concerned, it was all a result of a chemical imbalance. And for a while, I thought I could make myself believe that.
I suppose I just can't lie to myself any more.
It was easy, for a while, to believe that I didn't feel anything for Tom, that he was just flirting with me because that's what he does. I could absently notice how attractive was without it being anything more than an observation. I could brush off the shivers I would get when he'd say my name.
But now…he fills my mind. To the point of distraction, at times. I find myself keenly aware of his presence at all times.
When he walks into a room, even if my back is turned, I get goosebumps. His scent fills the air, and he is all I am aware of.
The only real thing the Pon Farr is responsible for is bringing my feelings for him to the surface. The imbalance faded, but the emotions remained, and I knew…I knew I was in trouble.
All I can think about now are his lips, and how amazing it felt to kiss him.
He's a fantastic kisser.
Judging by the restraint he showed when I was throwing myself at him, he was either being honest when he said that he didn't want it to happen that way, or he's really just been flirting with me for months, and the reality of being with me isn't something he wants.
It's that little bit of doubt that's holding me back.
What if I give in to him, and he tosses me aside in a few weeks, or a few months? Stranded on the other side of the galaxy, I wouldn't have much of an escape route if things turn south.
But there's something way deep down that keeps telling me that Tom Paris might be worth the risk, that he won't let me down.
Now, I just have to decide if I should listen to my head, or my heart.