The Talk
Germany was confused. He had been playing outside with his puppies when his older sister, Prussia, had called him in. Was he in trouble?
"Sis," Germany began to say before being cut off by Prussia.
"Now that you're old enough to understand shit, Spain says I gotta give you the 'talk'," Prussia exclaimed, scratching her scar absently.
Germany felt even more confused. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"Sit," Prussia instructed, motioning to the seat in front of her and Germany obeyed, still feeling confused.
"But—"
"There are no buts in this, West," Prussia began to say. She looked thoughtful. "Well, I guess there could be butts in this, if you're into that sorta thing but still; you gotta learn about sex, West – I can't have my little brother running around, having no idea how to screw a chick...or a dude, if that's what you're into, I'm not judging," Prussia added.
Germany frowned. "What's sex?" he asked. Prussia grimaced.
"Sex is...okay, uh...when a man and a woman, two men, or two women love each other very much – wait no, you don't' have to love them. Okay, so when any of those people feel a certain way towards each other..." Prussia paused.
"Yes?" Germany asked.
"They do stuff," Prussia finished lamely.
"What sort of stuff?" Germany asked.
"Lots of stuff; France knows about it than I do since she's always doing it," Prussia replied, rolling her eyes.
"Should I go ask her then?" Germany asked.
"Oh God no; France would probably give you a demonstration or show you something and you're way too young to be doing shit like that," Prussia replied with a shudder.
"So what is it?" Germany asked. Prussia sighed in resignation. She held up her hands.
"Okay, you know how boys have a...thing? Down there?" she asked; balling her right hand into a fist, save for one finger. Germany blushed and nodded. "Well, girls have a hole down there instead," she continued, curving her left hand into a circle.
"Do you have one?" Germany asked innocently. Prussia blinked at him.
"Excuse me?" she asked. "Of course I do – I'm not like that idiot, Hungary, who thought he would get a hole once his dick shrunk," she muttered, rolling her eyes.
"What's a dick?" Germany asked, catching Prussia by surprise.
"Uh...it's your thing. It's called a penis – a dick, cock, manhood, little buddy and other stuff – stop sidetracking me!" Prussia exclaimed.
"Sorry," Germany replied meekly.
"Anyways, when a dude and a chick get naked together because of those certain feelings they feel towards each other, the guy puts his dick in the woman's hole," Prussia explained, using her hands to demonstrate. "That's sex, kinda," she finished lamely.
"Kinda?" Germany asked.
"Well, there are different types – like if two guys do it, they use a different hole and if two girls do it, they, uh, use both holes," she replied. "But that's basically what sex is. Now West, if you're gonna go have sex with a girl you gotta be careful," Prussia continued, now looking serious. "If you don't use the right protection, you could get her pregnant."
"How?" Germany asked, confused.
"What do you mean, how?" Prussia asked.
"How do I get her pregnant?" Germany asked.
"Uh well, you see, when a guy's dick is in a girl's hole...after a certain point...his dick explodes," Prussia said, her cheeks turning faintly pink.
"Explodes?" Germany yelped.
"Well not literally – but stuff comes out of it. That stuff fertilizes the eggs inside the girl and they make a baby," Prussia said quickly.
"Fertilizes?" Germany asked, wrinkling his nose.
"Yeah, like how you put shit on seeds to help them grow," Prussia replied.
"Oh," Germany said uncertainly.
"And that's it – sex! Ha, I showed Spain and France; they didn't think I'd be able to teach a kid about the ol' Birds and the Bees shit but I did! You understand sex now, right?" Prussia asked eagerly.
Germany nodded dumbly. Prussia cackled with glee.
"Yes~!" she cheered. "Well, you go along and play now; I'm going to go rub it in Spain's and France's faces that I can totally teach kids about sex! Who's awesome? Oh yeah – me!" And with that, Prussia skipped off.
Germany watched his sister go, still feeling confused. He still wasn't quite sure what this sex business was.
He decided to go look it up in a manual instead.
The End.
A/N: That is how I would explain it too. Poor Germany.
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