Two OC warning.

This is a birthday present for riptocs who has written all kinds of goodies for me.

She has helped me countless of times with ideas and just everything in general. She's an amazing person.

So happy belated birthday, dear. Here is my attempt at a gift for you.

I do not own Naruto and please excuse any and all typos.

It's one of those days where I'm not really up to editing them.

Yeah, being pregnant sucks.

My mood swings are out of control, and I swear I try to kill Hidan twice every day. The thing is, no one stops me from trying. Itachi even volunteers to hold him down.

But, that's because he's a sexy beast and also the love of my pathetic life.

Speaking of sexy Uchiha…

Currently, I have just gotten out of the shower and managed to find a towel big enough to wrap around my baby-bump/bloated form. However, due to being really fat because of having a baby in my womb, I always lose my breath by bending over to get shit.

Irritated, I started swearing up a storm at various inanimate objects, the mirror being the current bane of my existence, and leaned against the sink, glaring at the floor.

However, a knock on the door gained my attention.

"What?" I snapped.

Itachi walked in, raising his eyebrow. "Are you okay Alice? I heard you using profanities."

"I'm pissed off." I growled.

"At?" He wondered.

"Everything." I mumbled. "The mirror is mocking me."

He paused in his response to look at me like I was mentally unstable. Which, I am if you didn't already know. "Mocking you?"

I glared at him. "Don't make fun of me, Itachi Uchiha. I will end you."

He smirked a bit and leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms. "What's wrong?"

"I hate being pregnant." I sighed. "This baby is sapping my energy."

"That is natural, Alice. Do not worry. In a month, you will no longer be pregnant." He soothed. "Besides, the mirror cannot mock you. It only reflects your image. It should make you feel better."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm a fucking balloon, Itachi. I can't see my toes."

"You're beautiful." He corrected.

"This is your fault." I snapped, ignoring his attempt to make me feel better.

He raised his eyebrow. "My fault?"

"You seduced me with your muscles and your Sharingan." I continued. "You lured me in with your sexiness and implanted your energy sucking seed within me."

"Alice, if I recall correctly, you seduced me." He countered. "I was just an innocent man, lured in by your perverted experience." I snorted. "You were the one who talked me into it."

"Itachi I'm a seventeen year old, mentally unstable, physically impaired teenager with a severe need for an attitude adjustment." I deadpanned. "You're a sexy ninja with the Sharingan, super amazing muscles, luscious hair, and a breathtaking voice." I stopped talking and stared at him for a minute. "Alright, take your clothes off and get over here. You can seduce me all you want."

Itachi chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Alice, you know what I'm going to say to you."

I pouted. "Jerk. Screwing with my hormones and not taking responsibility."

He walked over to me and kissed my forehead. "My apologies. Now, get dressed and I'll make you something to eat. You're not making breakfast."

"Hidan's going to bitch." I pointed out, letting him lead me from the room.

"Let him bitch. He is an idiot." Itachi deadpanned.

I smirked, and followed after my weasel, utterly amused.

So, a bit later I was sitting in the kitchen, pointing at Hidan and yelling at him. If there was one thing that never winded me, it was telling Hidan how big of an idiot he was.

"Get your lazy ass up and make food yourself you piece of shit!" I snapped. "Everyone else is perfectly capable of making their own food but you have to wait for someone else to do it for you!"

"Why do shit when I can fucking mooch?" Hidan demanded. "You're the fucking cook, make me food."

"Sable!" I barked. "Attack!"

Sable, who was now much too big to be picked up easily, snarled viciously and lunged at Hidan. She latched onto his jugular and dug her teeth into his throat, knocking him out of his chair so she could pin him to the floor.

"Good girl." I praised. "Hidan, I am not your fucking slave. I am not the cook. I simply cook out of the kindness of my heart and because the members of this organization who actually have a shred of intelligence ask me politely and they thank me. You demand and you have never said a word of thanks because you're a stupid, ungrateful bastard."

Kakuzu tapped his hand on the table. "Here here."

Sable shook her head out of spite, causing Hidan to make a really gross noise of pain since he couldn't talk. He was waving his hands around frantically, in an attempt to get her off.

"If you want to keep your head on your body, shut the hell up and leave me the fuck alone." I growled. "Down Sable."

Sable's tail wagged before she released Hidan and backed away from him to sit beside me at the table and allow me to shower her with praise.

"Moody fucking bitch." Hidan coughed, rubbing his neck. "I can't wait until you pop that little bastard out. Then I'll kick your ass."

Itachi's Eternal Mangekyō Sharingan flared. "I dare you to try it, Hidan."

Hidan's glare faltered, having experienced Itachi's wrath via the Eternal a few times when he decided to be an asshole towards me on the wrong days, he was a little afraid of Itachi. "Pussy Uchiha."

"He just called my kid a bastard, didn't he?" I growled.

"Yep." Sasori confirmed. He was sitting in his chair, watching the entire exchanged like one would watch an extremely interesting and amusing TV show. "Technically he called your kid a 'little bastard' but the meaning is the same."

"Kisame!" I shouted. Said shark was in the living room doing whatever it is shark-men do.

"Yeah?" He wondered, appearing in the door way to the kitchen a moment later.

"Hidan's being mean to me!" I whined.

Kisame's eyes narrowed and he pulled Samehada from his back. Hidan yelped and jumped to his feet before sprinting from the room. Kisame marched after him, smirking a smirk that promised pain to Hidan when and if he caught him.

I smiled and rested my head on Itachi's shoulder. "He's cute."

Itachi smiled slightly, kissing my head.

"Your mood swings are giving me whiplash." Sasori chuckled.

I stuck my tongue out at him. "I can't help it."

"You never can." Kakuzu pointed out.

Shrugging, I smiled a bit. "Don't piss me off and you won't have to worry about it."

"We'll keep that in mind." Sasori smirked.

While Sasori and Kakuzu knew not to piss me off, I suppose not everyone got the memo. Hidan's too big of an idiot, Deidara likes to irritate me, Kathryn knows I won't hurt her though she tries to stay on my good side, Itachi doesn't really need to worry about it, and Kisame couldn't make me angry if he tried.

Karin shared the same lack of self-preservation as Hidan when it came to making me livid. However, she was not immortal so the others always had to keep an eye on me when she was around. Else, I'd kill her.

So, when I saw her wink at Itachi and bend over to pick something up in a slutty manner, you can bet I got pretty pissed.

And Itachi wasn't going to be stopping me from killing her either.

"Alice, calm down!" Kisame pouted, picking me up and carrying me to the other side of the living room.

"Kisame! You put me down right now! I'm killing this bitch once and for all!" I snarled. "She needs to fucking learn to stay away from my Uchiha!"

Itachi sighed and ran a hand over his face. "She's so possessive."

"Like you're any better." Sasori scoffed.

Itachi looked away from Sasori stubbornly.

"Alice, this isn't healthy for the baby!" Kisame sighed, hugging me. Karin was hiding behind Jūgo's chair, trying to stay away from me. "You need to calm down."

"Fuck calming down!" I growled. "Bring me that fucking bitch or let me at her!"

I went off into a tangent of threats, swearing, yelling, insults, and reasons why Karin was a dirty slut. Kathryn, who was sitting in the room, put her hands on either side of her stomach as if too keep her baby from hearing my profanities. Sasori had his hands on Kathryn's ears, doing the same.

Hidan and Deidara were laughing along with Suigetsu, Sasuke was face-palming, Kakuzu was ignoring us all, Jūgo was watching calmly, Kisame was holding me down, and Itachi was rubbing his forehead with a sigh.

This was a regular occurrence. Karin wasn't here a lot so it was usually directed at Hidan and/or Deidara. None of them were surprised by my outburst. I was more along the fact that I had blatantly ignored Itachi and his attempts to calm me down that surprised everyone.

So, when Itachi failed, Kisame stepped in to try his hand at soothing me.

So far it wasn't working.

"Alice, that is enough." Itachi scolded when I paused to breathe.

I glared at him. "You shut your mouth Itachi Uchiha." I pointed at Karin, whipping out the last weapon in my arsenal that hadn't been taken away from me yet.

To be honest, it was my most lethal and effective one.

I whistled. "Attack Sable!"

Sable howled and ran into the room, seeing I was pointing at Karin. She snarled ferociously and turned to face the redheaded slut.

Karin screamed.

"Sable no." Itachi ordered, getting to his feet in order to stop Sable just in case she decided to attack early.

Sable ignored him, proving that she was my puppy. She slowly began advancing towards Karin. Her ears were flat against her head and her tail was stiff, keeping her balance. Her body was low to the ground and her muscles rippled beneath her fur as she moved, poised to charge. If Karin were to run, Sable would take her down.

"Alice, call her off." Itachi said firmly, realizing that Sable wasn't going to listen to him. Sable didn't listen to anyone over me.

"Sable, kill." I snapped.

Sable bared her teeth and prepared herself to lunge forward, a deep snarl ripping through her chest.

"Hidan, grab her." Itachi barked, pointing at Sable. "Call her off, Alice. Karin is not immortal."

"I know." I stated. "That's the point."

Hidan grabbed Sable's collar and pulled her away from Karin just as she was about to dart forward. Sable bit his arm, trying to get him off so she could fulfill my order. Karin took a chance and ran from the room.

That was probably the stupidest thing she could have done. Any predator will chase after their prey if they run. Sable wasn't an exception. In fact, she considered it a challenge if you ran from her.

My baby loved challenges.

I smirked victoriously when Sable chased after Karin, dragging Hidan along with her.

It's not as good as it should be.

However, it is only a oneshot. If I added in everything that should have been in there to make it a worthy present, it would have to be longer than Man, I Miss the Kitties and I don't know about you, but I don't want to write another long ass story like that.

Anywho, go and look at riptocs' page because she's a very good writer. Not only is the stuff she made for me amazing, but so are her other stories.

Merry late Christmas and happy holidays.

This is just a oneshot by the way.