Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. The Twelve Days of Christmas is a traditional carol that has been around since the 16th century.
.~. Star Trek – The Christmas Musical .~.
Ch. 1:
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(As sung by James T. Kirk)
Location: U.S.S. Enterprise
"You asked for me to meet you here, Captain?" Spock pushed the close button to the observation deck door, leaving him inside with Jim Kirk.
"I did." Jim smiled brightly at his bondmate. "Spock, Christmas will be here in two weeks, and I wanted to teach you some of the Terran songs associated with the holiday."
"That sounds agreeable." Spock took a seat on the floor as Jim cleared his throat to address his audience of one.
"I would like to dedicate this song to Spock, the love of my life." The captain winked at his Vulcan and blew him a kiss. "Spock, wave to our audience." The Vulcan's eyebrow twitched.
"Jim, that would be illogical, as there is no one here besides us."
"Spoilsport," Kirk muttered, but he wasn't offended. "Alright, this next song is called 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'. It's been a favorite song of mine ever since I was a little kid. But I changed the words a bit to give my bondmate an idea of some things I might want as presents this year. So, here it goes."
Jim began, his rich tenor filling the observation deck (and his bondmate) with great joy as he sang his rendition of the centuries old Christmas tune.
On the first day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
A mind meld with yours truly!
On the second day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Two long baths
And a mind meld with yours truly!
On the third day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Three lute songs
Two long baths
And a mind meld with yours truly!
On the fourth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Four fist bumps
Three lute songs,
Two long baths,
And a mind meld with yours truly!
On the fifth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Five gold shirts!
Four fist bumps,
Three lute songs,
Two long baths,
And a mind meld with yours truly!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Six deep massages
Five gold shirts!
Four fist bumps,
Three lute songs,
Two long baths,
And a mind meld with yours truly!
On the seventh day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Seven years 'til pon farr
Six deep massages,
Five gold shirts!
Four fist bumps,
Three lute songs,
Two long baths,
And a mind meld with yours truly!
On the eighth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Eight sweet endearments
Seven years 'til Pon Farr,
Six deep massages,
Five gold shirts!
Four fist bumps,
Three lute songs,
Two long baths,
And a mind meld with yours truly!
On the ninth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Nine insults for Bones
Eight sweet endearments,
Seven years 'til Pon Farr,
Six deep massages,
Five gold shirts!
Four fist bumps,
Three lute songs,
Two long baths,
And a mind meld with yours truly!
On the tenth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Ten Iowa steaks
Nine insults for Bones,
Eight sweet endearments,
Seven years 'til Pon Farr,
Six deep massages,
Five gold shirts!
Four fist bumps,
Three lute songs,
Two long baths,
And a mind meld with yours truly!
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Eleven eyebrow raises
Ten Iowa steaks,
Nine insults for Bones,
Eight sweet endearments,
Seven years 'til Pon Farr,
Six deep massages,
Five gold shirts!
Four fist bumps,
Three lute songs,
Two long baths,
And a mind meld with yours truly!
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me
Twelve Vulcan kisses,
Eleven eyebrow raises,
Ten Iowa steaks,
Nine insults for Bones,
Eight sweet endearments,
Seven years 'til Pon Farr,
Six deep massages,
Five gold shirts!
Four fist bumps,
Three lute songs,
Two long baths,
And a mind meld with yours truly!
When he was finished, Jim looked at Spock expectantly. He knew Spock had enjoyed the performance due to their mind link, but he still wanted a reaction from his prim and proper Vulcan, whose handsome face was quite blank.
//That was a most illogical song, Jim.// Spock thought, but his bondmate knew better…
//I'll show you illogical…// Kirk mentally growled. Spock did not prevent his captain from pouncing on him and wrestling him to the ground. He also did not stop Jim from crawling atop him and pressing their bodies together.
"Mmm…" Jim moaned, as he kissed and nibbled and licked his way down that delectable Vulcan neck.
"Computer, seal observation deck," Spock ordered. He knew from past experience that things were about to get out of control. The last thing he wanted was a repeat of the time poor innocent widdle Chekov accidentally walked in on him and Jim doing the big nasty. "Command Spock Beta Theta Mu Five Ohhh Jim Seven Three."
"Command denied," the computer replied. "Incorrect code." Spock felt a stab of laughter through their bond.
//I fail to see what is so amusing, Jim.//
//You can't even get the code out, you're so compromised.// Spock wished he could wipe that smug look off his bondmate's pretty face.
"Jim," he warned. "Kindly refrain from your actions for a moment while I seal the deck."
"Aw, Spock," Jim whined. "It's much more fun when you know someone could walk in on us at any time."
Just as Jim finished his sentence, they heard voices outside. Spock's eyes grew large, and he tried to push his bondmate off him with little success.
"Oh, LEONARD!" The female voice gushed outside. "I've wanted this for so long. I can't believe you're in love with me!"
"I can't believe you'd want a grumpy old man," McCoy admitted. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong with your brain, Christine? Maybe we'd better have it scanned just in case."
"I'm sure," giggled the nurse. "I really love you, Leonard, and I want to be with you."
"I think I can arrange that," was the doctor's husky reply. The door to the observation deck slid open, to reveal a thoroughly green Spock squirming away from Jim's iron grip.
"Aw, shit," McCoy muttered, averting his eyes, even though his friends were both perfectly decent. "Of all the couples on this ship, it had to be them we walked in on." Jim winked at the medical pair.
"Actually, Spock and I were just leaving - you can have the place all to yourselves," the captain generously offered, as he pulled Spock to his feet. (The humiliated Vulcan was too embarrassed to look McCoy or Chapel in the eye.) "I'm glad you two finally figured out what the rest of the crew already knew. Have fun, and don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Jim winked at Bones, who blushed.
"Dammit, Jim, go take care of your Vulcan."
"Gladly," said Kirk, and he whisked Spock away, leaving the medical couple alone in front of the stars.
.~.
A/N: This is my favorite Christmas song ever, so I had to start with this one. I plan on doing at least a couple more songs before the 25th.
Requests for Christmas songs would be appreciated!! (Try and pick songs where I can rework the words to fit the Trek universe.) The funnier the better! I'll probably try and work "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer" in there somewhere. ;)