Mike rolled over for the third time in five minutes, trying to get comfortable. He couldn't sleep, he was much too aware of his limbs. Every time he felt like he was drifting off, something itched or his eyes suddenly started moving under their lids. He'd been lying in bed, awake, for nearly an hour before he'd decided he needed to make a conscious effort to get to sleep, but being aware of it just made it harder.
He was pretty sure it was supposed to be negative things that kept you up at night: anxiety, stress, depression, not the elation his was feeling. He seemed to spend almost every waking moment with Harvey or thinking about Harvey and it was ridiculous, he felt like a fucking schoolboy but he hadn't had anything like this in so long.
They'd actually been on dates. Mike couldn't remember the last time he'd done that. Secret dates, of course, Harvey didn't want it to get out at work, not yet at least, and Mike was okay with that. Just the fact that they were together could be troublesome and he knew that Harvey didn't like people knowing his business. The man could have been married and Mike didn't think he'd let anyone know, so keeping a relationship with his associate secret, his male associate at that, seemed perfectly natural.
In fact, that was one of the things that had been keeping Mike awake. Every shred of information he learned about Harvey, every little detail seemed precious and he couldn't help going over everything in his head, rebuilding his boss's image in his head. He was different with him now. Sure, he was still the same person, witty and sarcastic, but there was a caring, more compassionate side to him that Mike knew people rarely saw more than snippets of. He'd seen it before, of course. He'd seen it when Donna was having a bad day and Harvey brought her a coffee. He'd seen it that time Ray had needed his help. But now he was seeing it when Harvey asked him out for lunch, or for a drink or when he came back to his.
Eventually, he drifted off to sleep, his mind finally switching off. When his alarm sounded six hours later, Mike didn't feel too tired. He was glad he worked with Harvey, it made it much easier to drag himself out of bed when it was still dark. He didn't have to get up too early, he'd had worse shifts but the daylight hours in November weren't brilliant. By the time he was ready to leave, the sun was almost fully up. Mike took his bike off of the wall bracket and wheeled it down to the street. Harvey had offered to get him a driver, at least for the winter months but Mike hoped that if he declined, Harvey might let him ride with him soon enough.
Once he was at his desk and had started to warm up, Mike looked through the stack of papers that had been left on his desk. The post it note on top asked him to look through them and check for any inaccuracies and then bring them up to Harvey's office. It had been signed with his name, nothing more, but that was more than he used to get. If anyone else looked at the note, they wouldn't figure out that the two men were together but it was his way of being affectionate.
It only took two hours and three cans of Red Bull to finish the papers and Mike was pleased to see that Harvey wasn't busy when he went up to see him.
"You want to go out and get lunch today?" Harvey asked as he put the folder down on his desk.
"Sure," he grinned, ignoring the way that Donna was looking at him. He was pretty certain that she didn't know, he didn't think Harvey had told her but you couldn't really be sure with Donna.
"Good, one condition, though," Harvey said and Mike knew what it was going to be. "No arguing about the bill this time."
The last two times they'd been out, Harvey had insisted on paying and Mike had put up a fight before giving in. Mike nodded, if only because he'd learned from his mistakes. It was an argument that he wasn't going to win so he didn't see much point in wasting his time trying.
At least with lunch, it wasn't too important. Then again, it also wasn't enough like a date from Mike to feel okay about Harvey paying. It was just silly. He'd given him the speech, about how he made more than him, how he wouldn't even notice the cost of the food, but it didn't matter. It wasn't about that.
"Fine," Mike sighed, resigning to the fact that Harvey wasn't going to drop it.
"Good."
They went out early, Mike wasn't too hungry yet but he was desperate to get out of the office and somewhere where Harvey would drop his guard. Once they were seated in the small café that was a little further from the office than it needed to be, Harvey was himself again. Mike savoured every moment, the quick brush of his hand against his, the way Harvey smiled when they locked eyes. Harvey would always still be Harvey and Mike didn't ever think he'd really be one for public displays of affection.
"Do you want to go watch a movie or something tonight?" Mike asked. He didn't. There was nothing on that he was even slightly interested in seeing right now but he wanted to see Harvey, wanted to bring him back to his again. He'd expected Harvey to be perfect at everything, but the sex... Mike had been with men before but never like this. It was something else.
"Not really, there isn't anything worth seeing," Harvey said and Mike failed at hiding his disappointment. "I was thinking maybe we could just skip that part and I could just come back to yours."
Harvey didn't need to say any more. His eyes, his wicked smile, the memories of the last time they'd been alone together were enough to get Mike's heart racing.
XXXX
Harvey sat down at his desk once they got back from lunch and sighed. This was supposed to be sexual. The moment he'd seen Mike he'd wanted him. Then he'd gotten to know him and wanted him more and that had been fine. Attraction he could deal with but he wasn't used to developing feelings like this. It was all Mike's fault with his ability to make everyone fall in love with him with one look. Not that this was love, but Harvey knew it had to be something to even have him interested. He just didn't do this.
When it was time to leave, he made sure that Donna had scheduled the meeting for tomorrow (like she ever messed up) and made his way down to Mike's cubicle. Most of the other associates were gone by now, they were both working late and Harvey couldn't help but smile. He was going to be going back to Mike's for some bad takeaway food and some good sex and seeing him at work like this, pen between his lips in thought... it was just all so domestic.
He had a drawer at Mike's now, just with a few things and Mike always joked that he thought it'd be the other way around. Harvey knew that if Mike had been back to his then he'd have given him a drawer by now but it had just ended up this way. There were too many reasons why he hadn't let Mike come back to his and he couldn't think about it now.
"Ready to go?" he asked and Mike looked up quickly.
"Oh, uh, yeah..." Mike replied. "Just give me a sec... right, done."
Harvey watched him tidy his desk up, cap the pens, shuffle papers and grab his bag and the way Mike managed to make anything look enthusiastic never failed to amaze him. They got a taxi back because Harvey didn't need Ray finding out. Once they were through the door, Mike was kissing him and telling him about how he'd missed him and how he'd been thinking about this all day and then they were lost in each other.
Harvey bit back his remarks about how Mike had obviously cared enough to tidy up this time when they made their way to the bedroom.
"I thought we were going to eat first and do this later," Harvey said as Mike started to undress him.
"Why, you hungry?" Mike asked.
"N-No I just assumed, never mind..."
Mike pulled at him as they moved towards the bed and Harvey appreciated how gentle Mike had become with his clothing. The bed creaked a little as they landed on it and Harvey moved between Mike's legs quickly and with less finesse than he'd remember later. Mike was all limbs and his legs wrapped around Harvey with ease as they kissed. It never lasted long when it was like this. They'd spend the day wanting, needing each other, picturing every kiss, every rock of the hips and then, when it came down to it, the frustration just came out too quickly. It was fine, there would be time later.
Mike was pulling at him now, his unspoken way of begging him to get on with it and it was nice to know he didn't feel like dragging it out either. He was moving against him and, fuck, Harvey loved the noises he made before they were even really doing anything. A quick drag of his hips had Mike whimpering softly and Harvey couldn't hold off any longer.
Mike pushed against him as he worked him open slowly and there it was again: the eagerness that had attracted Harvey to him in the first place. He was careful to wait just long enough, to use enough lubrication, enough preparation, even if Mike was telling him to just fuck him already. He grabbed him by the hips when he began to slide in slowly, focusing on not letting the moans from the man below him make move too quickly. He bit his lip as he stayed still, waiting for Mike to adjust, ignoring his pleas but then it was too much. The feeling of Mike on his cock, his squirming... he couldn't.
"Harvey, please... Fuck me."
He pulled out and thrust back into him harder than he meant to but Mike didn't seem to mind. His hands were on Harvey's back, pulling him closer. It was going faster than expected but Mike was smiling up at him and then he was kissing him and he was all he could feel. He could feel Mike's hips bucking under him, his cock moving between them.
This was how Harvey loved to see him, his face flushed, lips slightly parted. He just looked so perfect laid out like that for him. He let one hand slide up off of Mike's hip to wrap around his cock. He hadn't been the one to come first yet and he wasn't ready to change that. It was a pride thing. Mike squirmed and thrashed as he ran his finger over the tip of his cock and squeezed it gently, thrusting deeper.
"Oh fuck, Harvey..." Mike breathed as he moved with him and Harvey recognised the sounds he was making. He came beneath him with a small groan and Harvey thrust harder, chasing his orgasm. He dug his fingers into Mike's hip, his other hand running down his side. He couldn't help wanting to mark the soft skin beneath his fingertips, to leave Mike with a few reminders. The feeling of Mike clenching around him, the sounds of his breathing, it was all too much. Harvey stuttered forwards, barely holding himself up as he came, pulling Mike onto him before lying down, his head in the curve of his neck.
It took them a while to move. Harvey pushed himself up, hands either side of Mike's shoulders.
"What do you want to eat?"
"Oh, I was thinking pizza? If that's alright with you," Mike said, his eyes heavy lidded. Fuck, they never ate anything healthy. Harvey wondered if it was just because it was the two of them and it was easier or if Mike really never used his kitchen. He was going to have to skip the gym tomorrow morning, too, because he was going to wake up here. Maybe Mike still had the metabolism of a six year old but he didn't.
"Sure, you want to stay in bed while I go order?" he asked. Fuck healthy. If Mike wanted it, they were having pizza.
"Mmm, sounds good," Mike said, turning his head and kissing Harvey's wrist.
XXXX
Mike pulled the sheets around him as he watched Harvey walking out of his bedroom. He'd never tire of watching him walk around naked in his apartment. Harvey looked good in a suit, but nothing beat him naked. Mike thought he could just watch him for hours. He smiled when he heard him on the phone, ordering his favourite toppings without even having to ask.
It had been a while since Mike had been with someone like this, actually sharing things about each other, enjoying each other's company and at first he'd been worried. What if it all went wrong? But then he realised it was probably so much harder for Harvey, a man so private that even the people he worked closely with barely knew him. Sometimes Mike wondered how long it would take for Harvey to show him everything, to let him come back to his for once, to tell people they were together, but then Harvey would do something like walk back into the bedroom without any clothes on and he'd forget he was even thinking about it.
"They said five minutes so you're going to have to get dressed."
"But... come back to bed," Mike replied.
"Mike... No time."
"Just for a minute?"
Harvey sighed but then he got in anyway, letting Mike snuggle up to him.
XXXX
The next time Mike saw Donna, she smiled at him and he thought something was wrong immediately. He waited for her to tell him that Louis wanted to see him or something similar, but she didn't. She just carried on with her work as he went in to see Harvey.
Come to think of it, Donna had been nicer to him recently. Not that she was ever mean to him, it just seemed as if she was making an effort. At first he thought it must be something bad but maybe it was just because she knew about him and Harvey.
He handed Harvey the briefs he had asked for and resisted the urge to kiss him. He couldn't, not here and today was always when it was hardest. Tuesdays were usually when Harvey had meetings or when he'd arrange anything he needed to do without Mike. Mike had planned to see Jenny tonight, she wanted to speak to him about Trevor but it was still hard. He probably wouldn't be able to kiss Harvey until tomorrow evening.
"Right, so, I'm done," he said, knowing full well that he wouldn't have been able to go home this early before they were together. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
Harvey nodded and smiled, a warm genuine smile that just made Mike want to stay with him and stop caring who was watching but he couldn't. He rode home quickly and showered before putting on something more casual. He didn't really want to sit around with Jenny in a suit, he'd had enough of those lately. On his way over to hers (he walked because he didn't feel like riding home in the dark) he saw someone that looked a lot like Harvey in the window of a restaurant. No, it was Harvey. There was no mistaking that smile.
He was with a woman, a client? He certainly was upping the charm. Mike's stomach dropped when he saw her reach across the table and touch his hand. Was this just how he was with female clients? No. No he couldn't be. Harvey was definitely too relaxed and something was wrong. It took him a while to work out what it was. Harvey wasn't wearing a suit. He'd changed into something more casual. She wasn't a client.
Mike pulled out his phone and sent a text to Jenny saying that he couldn't make it an he was sorry. He just really couldn't sit there and listen to he trying to get information about Trevor out of him with this on his mind. Who the fuck was she?
The next morning, Mike made a beeline for Donna. She would know. She had to know. He was just being an idiot, obviously. Harvey wasn't cheating on him. That wasn't why Donna had been extra nice to him lately. Of course not. There was a perfectly reasonable explanation. There had to be.
"Donna? Can I ask you something?"
She looked up, masking her nerves well, but not well enough. Donna was nervous. Mike was pretty certain that was one of the signs of the apocalypse.
"What is it?"
"Is Harvey seeing someone?" he asked. When she looked at him pointedly, he added "a woman?"
Donna didn't say anything. She didn't have to. The look on her face, the I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you look, it said it all.
He walked in to Harvey's office. He said the first thing that came to mind.
"We need to talk."
Mike felt out of place, out of line. Could he really just talk to Harvey like this? By the look on his face, it looked like he could. The older man was visibly nervous. If Mike wasn't right about this, Harvey had something that he felt guilty about.
"What is is?" he asked.
"I saw you last night. With a woman," Mike said quickly. If he paused, he didn't think he'd be able to get to the point. "I just spoke to Donna because I thought I must be being paranoid because you wouldn't do anything like that, would you? She didn't say anything. She didn't deny anything."
They looked at each other and Harvey just waited. Mike knew that he had to say it. Harvey wasn't going to say anything until he asked outright.
"Are you cheating on me?" It was done. It was said. He couldn't take it back now.
"No." No? Then why was Harvey looking at him like that? "No. Fuck... Mike I'm cheating on her. With you."
Mike froze for a moment. How?
"What?" he asked. "How does that make sense?"
"We... I've been with her for two years, Mike."
"What?" Mike sat down and tried to process what he was hearing.
"That makes it sound longer than it seems. She... Scottie works away for most of the year. It's long distance. It's not the same as two years for a normal couple."
"But... you're serious? It looked like a serious relationship to me," Mike said.
"I'm working on ending it with her. Please, let me explain," Harvey said. "Yes, it's serious. I love her, but it's a fantasy. When I only see her two days a month, of course everything seems perfect. Whenever she gets time off and comes home, all we do is argue. Fuck, the main reason we're together still is because I didn't think there was anyone else that would even almost get me like she does. Then I met you."
"But you love her?" Mike asked.
"She was my first love, Mike." Harvey replied. "I love you more."
"If you loved me, you wouldn't have done this to me."
Harvey started to speak again, about how he had to be sure. About how he couldn't just break it off with Scottie because he thought he might like Mike but Mike wasn't listening. He blinked back tears as he looked up at Harvey.
"Enough. I don't want to hear it," he said. Fight or flight? Flight. "I'm going home. You're letting me have the day off. Come up with whatever reason you want. Tell everyone it's because I can't stand to look at you if you want to be honest for once."
Mike left the office quickly, not quite sure of where he was going. He had half a mind to call Trevor. He needed a friend right now and he'd only stopped spending time with him for Harvey. Harvey would hate it if he went to see him. At the same time, though, he didn't think he wanted anyone to see how hurt he was and he couldn't ignore that he'd felt like this before. It was stupid, but the fact that Trevor had been the first one to make him feel like this, even if it was when he was sixteen, made him unable to call. He didn't need to remember the time he'd told him that he hadn't realised that their... relationship was strictly exclusive, not on top of everything that was happening with Harvey. Mike rode straight home.
As soon as he was in his apartment, he flopped down on the couch, only to jump back up again. One of Harvey's ties was draped across the cushion beside him. He walked into the bedroom and sighed when he saw the impression of Harvey's head in the pillow that had come to be his. Fuck it, Mike was going to go out to a bar and drink his weight in tequila.
XXXX
Harvey tried to focus on work but the aching knot in his stomach wouldn't let him. Donna had told him not to go to see Mike tonight because he would need time to calm down, to think. Harvey hoped that the weekend off would help because, as much as his office felt empty without him, he was dreading his return.
XXXX
The tequila had helped at the time, but Mike's hangover the next morning made everything worse. Mike just wanted to crawl under the covers and hide from the world. So that's what he did.
Sunday morning wasn't much better. All he could think about was that he was going to have to go back into work tomorrow and face Harvey. He couldn't hide forever.
He sat on his couch, wrapped in his duvet and wallowed in self pity. He felt like he hurt inside, like this was causing him physical pain. A few times, part of his brain was wondering where his boyfriend was, why he wasn't there to hug him and make him feel better. Then that part of him remembered that it was him that had made him feel like his world had crumbled and that was enough to make him cry again.
XXXX
Harvey waited. It was Monday and he thought he knew Mike. He wasn't a coward. That was why, when he turned up and handed him the briefs that he needed (albeit with a face like a kicked puppy that was trying to deny that it was in pain) he wasn't surprised.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Harvey asked. "We could get coffee or-"
"No, I have work to do," Mike cut in. He left quickly and Harvey wanted to punch himself. How could he have done this?
XXXX
When Mike got home that evening, he wanted to congratulate himself for holding it together. He hadn't even spilled when Rachel had asked him what was wrong.
When he head the knock at the door, he froze. If that was Harvey, he didn't want to answer it.
"Mike?" a voice called through the door. Donna?
He made a quick attempt to tidy up a little before running to the door and opening it.
"If you're here to do Harvey's-" Mike began but he trailed off when Donna held up a hand.
"Listen, Mike. I'm impartial. What happens is up to you and I'm really sorry that this had to happen," she said. "However, I think it would be stupid for you to make any decisions before you know all of the facts."
Mike opened his mouth to say something but she stopped him again.
"Listen, please. He ended it with Scottie. For you. I don't know if that means much to you but I assume that you know Harvey as well as I do by now. I've never seen the man do something so self sacrificial-"
"Sacrificial? He didn't have a choice!"
"Yes he did. Don't be an idiot, Mike. You're not an idiot. He loves that woman. They just can't work. He's spent the better part of a year trying to end it with her and only you have actually been able to make him do it."
"Yeah, but he didn't really have a choice now that he was found cheating, did he?"
"Mike, you don't get it. They had an open relationship. She would have been a little upset that he'd actually gotten attached to you but she would have forgiven him. He didn't need to break up with her," she said. "They were engaged. He didn't mean to hurt you, he just needed to make sure you were worth ending the relationship with the only other person he's ever been able to be himself with."
"I don't know what to say," Mike said.
"You don't have to say anything. I'd understand if you still never wanted him back. I'm not even sure what I think you should do. I just thought you should know everything. I'm going to have to go now. If you need me... well you have my number. I give you permission to use it for non-professional reasons. Just this once."
Then she was gone. Mike couldn't help but think she looked too good for his hallway as she walked away. Only Donna could have made him want to talk to Harvey right now.
Mike rushed to work the next day, hoping that he would be able to arrange some kind of meeting between them before Harvey had any clients to meet with. He went straight up to his office as soon as he got in.
It was hard to see Harvey like that. He was working away like nothing mattered and maybe it didn't. Mike tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, tried to tell himself that even if it did, Harvey would never let it get in the way of his work. But how would he know?
He waited for a moment and then walked straight in there, ignoring the heavy feeling in his stomach. They didn't have to talk about this now; Mike doubted Harvey would even let him discuss their private life in the office if he hadn't even been able to tell anyone that they were together.
"Harvey? Can we talk later?"
The words came out if him and sounded like somebody else's. Harvey looked up, his expression unreadable and shook his head. For a second, Mike thought he was going to say no and he wasn't expecting that.
"Mike, let me take you out to lunch, we can talk there."
Mike didn't know what it was but he was still angry and his retort came out of nowhere.
"Still sneaking around then, are we?"
It didn't even make sense. He'd expected to go elsewhere, wanted to even but something in him wanted to hit back, to hurt Harvey as much as he'd hurt him.
"No, I just thought it might be a nice gesture. We can talk here if you'd prefer, it just might not be the best idea. We can talk here., anywhere. We can go back to mine if you'd prefer but obviously I'll understand if you don't want that."
Harvey had just offered to take Mike back to his. Something he hadn't done the whole time they were together. It was probably supposed to be a gesture and it was that and Mike's sheer curiosity that made him say yes.
They were out of the office and in the car within minutes. They didn't speak, Harvey just looked slightly less calm than usual and for the first time since they'd met, Mike felt like he had the upper hand.
He wasn't going to let Harvey manipulate him. He wasn't going to get played like one of his court rivals. Mike was giving him this chance because of what Donna had told him and that was all he had to do.
They didn't speak as they went up to Harvey's apartment and that was fine. Mike wanted to take it in. It was impressive, of course, but Mike couldn't help but notice tiny details. There were spots on shelves that looked like something belonged there, gaps in the bookshelves where volumes had hurriedly been removed. There was a shard of glass against one of the table legs, a photo frame had been smashed. She had been living here with him, this was her permanent home. There had no doubt been evidence of this, that was why he'd never been allowed to come back, why Harvey had shielded the place from view every time Mike had come over to drop something off.
"Do you want something to drink?" Harvey offered.
"No."
"Sit down, please."
"No I'll stand."
Harvey looked at him and sighed.
"Stand if you want but can we just sensible about this? No sense you being uncomfortable just because you're mad at me," Harvey paused. "...Because I fucked up."
Mike sat down. He listened to Harvey explain about the relationship. About how him and this woman had been at school together and had been friends long before anything had happened (that sounded familiar). How she'd beaten him in every test they'd ever had together and how he'd never been as impressed by anyone (okay, that was less familiar). Harvey explained how they'd been together for a while and he'd cared about her but how their relationship never really worked when she was in town, how it only worked as a fantasy, how sometimes when he really thought about it, he dreaded her coming home because they'd only fight eventually.
He let him talk about how he'd always care about her and how they stayed together because he'd never even found someone who he connected with like that. Until Mike. He explained how his relationship with Mike worked better than his and Scottie's ever had and that's when Mike had to speak up.
"Harvey, I saw you together. You didn't look like you were over her."
"I told you, I wasn't and I'll always care for her. Doesn't that prove how much I love you?" he asked. "I left her for you. I left the one other person I've ever cared about on the off chance that I could get you back. It's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done because I know you're not stupid. I know you probably won't take me back but I needed you to understand why I did what I did. Do you?"
"No. Why did you lead me on for so long if you were sure you loved me? You can't love two people Harvey, it doesn't work like that," Mike said, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he'd even really thought about what he was saying.
"Mike, please, don't be an idiot. You think I could be sure in a few days? In a week? I needed to know if we worked or if it was all just in my head. Why else do you think it took me so long to ask you out? This wasn't some fling I had that happened to turn into something. The moment you walked into my life, I was scared. You scared me, Mike. I felt a pull towards you that made me question everything. You think I would have risked my career for a fling? And of course you can love more than one person. Why does everyone question that? Everyone is fine with being sexually attracted to more than one person but that's the one thing were supposed to keep to one person. Do you not love your friends? Family? Can you not care about more than one person at the deepest level?"
"It's not the same. Loving friends and family... It isn't the same..."
"Then you and I disagree about the fundamentals of love. It is different, yes, because of the sexual attraction, but really think about it for a moment. Think about the best friend you've ever had and then think about the relationship ideal in your head and tell me it isn't the same thing but with sex. That's what everyone wants, Mike, a best friend in their bed and everyone is allowed multiple friends. What I'm trying to say is you can care about more than one person, you can love more than one person. I think you'd be lying if you said there wasn't another relationship in your past with someone that you still and always will love at least a little."
Mike said nothing. He didn't think he needed to tell Harvey that he'd pictured the same person twice now, past lover and best ever friend. Harvey had known somehow.
"Mike, I love you. Yes, I'll always have a place in my heart for Scottie and it'll be some time for me to get used to her not being my fiancée any more but you can love more than one person, but you can only give yourself fully to one and... I want that person to be you."
Mike almost laughed. That sounded so ridiculous coming from Harvey. He must have meant it. In spite of himself, he smiled. He understood why he'd done it and he was a little touched that he'd ended a relationship for him. He still wanted to be mad at him or at least keep some kind of integrity but he found himself saying the one thing he hadn't expected.
"I'm sorry you had to choose. That had to be hard."