A/N This one shot came about by a combination of a prompt from Ajay435 and a line fellow author Kryten left in a review to Ajay's story "Silencing Nature" where Kryten mentioned something about 30 minutes with Bob. I felt that to be the perfect title to go along with Ajay's prompt, so there you have it, 'Thirty Minutes with Bob'. Everything in italics is what's going on in Arnold's mind. The rest is conversation. I hope it's not too hard to follow. I'd love to know if this format was easy to read or not. As always, please enjoy….."
Thirty Minutes with Bob
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock….
"Man, that clock is driving me crazy. How much longer is this going to take, we've already been sitting here five minutes without saying anything to each other. Come on, Helga, hurry up, will ya. Oh no, he's looking at me again. Man, my collar is tight. Why does Grandma always have to tie my tie so tight?"
"So, uh, Alfred….."
"Arnold."
"Huh?"
"The name is Arnold."
"Sheesh, I've only been friends with your daughter since, what, preschool? Get it right, would ya."
"Oh, yeah, Arnold. So, your first date with my daughter, huh?"
"Uh, well, our first official date. We've hung out practically all our lives. This is just our first actual date, date."
"Ugh, more silence. Look at him, he looks as nervous as me. What's he got to be nervous about? He's not the one being silently judged by a pompous old windbag. I'm drumming my fingers on my knees again. Way to go Arnoldo, now the old man knows how nervous you are. Why did I just think that in Helga's voice? Man, is that girl rubbing off on me or what?"
"So your first official date with Olga."
"Helga."
"What?"
"Her name is Helga."
"Geeze Helga, how can you stand living with this guy for all these years without waking up in the middle of the night and sticking a knife in his….What am I thinking? That's not a nice thing to think, even if the guy is a pain."
"Yeah, that's what I said, Helga. It's your first official date with Helga. So, boy, what are your intentions with my daughter?"
"My 'intentions?' Since when do you care about what goes on with Helga? Heh, well my 'intentions' are to make her my girlfriend and after that marry her and take her away from this hell hole of a life you've got going on here."
"Oh, well, I just thought we'd have a nice dinner then maybe take in the newest Evil Twin movie that's playing at the Multiplex."
"Evil Twin? Are they still making sequels to that piece of crap? So where are you going to dinner?"
"Ha, okay, Bob, let's see how well you know your daughter."
"I'm taking her to her favorite restaurant."
"Oh, the steakhouse, huh. Nice pick."
"What a yutz."
"No, actually, her favorite restaurant is Chez Paris. I'm taking her there because she loves their strawberry souffles."
"Oh, yeah chez Paris, that's what I meant to say. Yeah, she does love strawberries, doesn't she."
"Oh, God, did I really just roll my eyes at the man? I hope he didn't notice."
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock…
"Twenty minutes. Really, Helga, you're going to make me sit here for twenty plus minutes? What on earth is taking you so long? Oh, geeze, he's looking at me again."
"So, Alf – er – Arnold, what are your plans after high school?"
"Oh, well, college actually."
"College huh? That's good to hear. You can never go wrong with a good education. Where are you thinking of attending?"
"Oh, I'll probably stay local. It's not like I can afford a really big college."
"Yeah, well, it's nothing but the best for my girls. I'll be shipping Helga off to a nice Ivy League school back east somewhere."
"Heh, that's what you think. She's already said she's set on attending whatever college I'm able to get into."
"What's so funny?"
"Huh? What?"
"You're sitting over there with a smirk on your face. Did you find something I said to be funny?"
"Smooth move, Arnoldo. Arrrgh, get out of my head, Helga!"
"Oh, no sir. I was just thinking about something that happened on the basketball court yesterday is all. I wasn't laughing at you."
"Okay, then. Make sure you don't."
"Yes, sir."
"Another five minutes. You're killing me here, Helga. You better not have changed your mind and snuck out the bathroom window, leaving me here with your jerk of a father."
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock…..
"He's looking at me again. I swear he's doing that on purpose just to intimidate me. Oh, God, I have to pee now. Maybe I can excuse myself and spend the rest of the wait in the bathroom. No, that's no good. If I take too long in there he'll start wondering what I'm doing. Come on, Helga, get down here and save me. What's that? Is that footsteps I'm hearing? FINALLY! Hmmm, there's her mom, but where's Helga?"
"Okay, B, Arnold, she's finally ready. Helga dear, let's not keep your date waiting any longer."
"Yeah, Helga, let's not keep me waiting any longerrrrrrrrr. Oh, wow, Helga, you look so HOT! Oh geeze, she's looking at me. What should I do? Stand up you idiot, don't just sit there gawking."
"Hi, Arnold, I'm sorry it took me so long. I couldn't get my hair right and I wanted everything to be perfect."
"Oh, Helga, you've always been perfect. Oh, God, your shoulders, they're bare. I've never seen you in anything off the shoulder like that. Oh,man, no, no, no! Not now! This is NOT the time to start sporting wood, oh God, not in front of her dad! Calm down, Arnold, take a deep breath and relax! Say something intellectual."
"Uhh, it's okay, Helga. You, you look really nice."
"Real smooth. Oh, man, she's blushing. I can't stand it when she blushes, it drives me crazy. Man I want her so badly right now."
"Thanks. Well, I guess we should get going. See ya mom, dad."
"Hey now little lady, just how long do you plan on staying out? You have a curfew you know."
"Don't worry, Bob, I'll be back before I turn back into a pumpkin."
"Hey little lady, that's no way to talk to your father."
"Oh, geeze, I need to break this up before things get out of hand."
"Don't worry, Mr. Pataki, I'll have her home by midnight."
"You just see that you do. Now, run along and have fun."
"Oh I'm hoping to have some 'fun' tonight, that's for sure."
"Thank you, sir. Come on, Helga, shall we go?"
"I'm holding out my arm here, Helga. Why are you just looking at it? Don't leave me hanging. Oh, good, she took it. Alright, we're almost out of the woods. We just have to make it through the front door. Phew, that was excruciating. Oh, but look at her. It was sure worth the trouble. Wait, why is she stopping? We haven't even left the stoop yet. She's looking at me funny. Her face, it's getting closer. Is she? She's going to kiss me. Oh God, I'm not ready for this. Her lips, they look so soft, and pink and, and…Oh God she tastes good. Is that her tongue? Come on, stupid, kiss her back. Let her know you're into her. Oh, yeah, that's the way. Go easy on the tongue, you don't want to turn her off, yeah, that's right, just like that. Now finish it with just the slightest nibble on her lip, NO, NO, don't suck it! Okay, that was close. She's pulling back. Her eyes, oh damn her eyes, don't get lost in them, don't get lost in them, focus! She's looking at me now, I have to say something."
"Uh, what was that for?"
"You idiot."
"Just my way of saying sorry for making you have to put up with Big Bob for so long. I'm really sorry."
"Oh, that's okay. You are worth the wait, and I'd take on much worse than your father to be with you."
"She's smiling, okay, that's good. You did good Arnold. Now just keep it up for the rest of the date and she'll be your girlfriend in no time. Now, take her hand and get in the car before you miss your reservations."
"Well, my Lady, your chariot awaits. Shall we go now?"
"Sure, Arnoldo, whatever you say."
"Whatever I say? Well, what I say is that I love you, but that will have to wait. Right now I just want to get through our first date without any mishaps."
"Well what I say is that you look lovely tonight."
"Thank you. You look pretty nice yourself. I've been looking forward to tonight for a long time."
"So have I, my dear, so – have - I. She's smiling again, that's a good sign. Okay, well nothing left to do but continue on to a night I have a feeling we are both going to remember for a long, long, time."