My heart for yours
He knew the darkest places in his heart with an intimacy that disgusted him. It was with this understanding that he learned to repress the irrepressible, hide the obvious, a skill he found indispensable, even if a little painful. To push away his feelings was as vulnerable a thing as keeping them on the surface. He realized that inevitably he was doomed to crack from the start, and ease into forlorn acceptance. No one could hide forever.
It was a doubt burned into him time and again, especially, if not exclusively, when he was confronted by the joker. It seemed as if in all of his giddiness, the joker was just as trapped as he, by a constant emotion, barely ever breeched. Oh they were opposites, to be sure. One laughed, the other grimaced; one lived for the moment, the other for the future or only the past. Batman hated being around the joker, a secret he kept well. He was just like all the others, he told himself, and should be treated the same exact way. Only He understood of course that this wasn't true. Lying to himself would serve no purpose, if only to let him feel clear for the minutes before that realization.
And then he could have let the joker die so many times, almost too many to count. It worried him sometimes. He wasn't the type to kill, but he knew just as well as anyone that as soon as the joker was put in Arkham he would be out. Every time he saved the joker he felt a strange sensation, and whether it was one of relief or regret he could never quite make out. And just as often as not he would think to himself, it was just a confusing thing, a mess he could never untangle, an eternal mystery as it were. Dismissing his relationship with the joker was too simple though. He knew. Even if the joker were dead, it would still bother him, and pain him to no end.
Often he would resolve to clear the whole thing up, to have a talk with the joker, and that was hard enough. But then it was, after all, a funny idea. Batman sitting down and having a little chat with the joker as if they were old friends, just a little heart to heart. The joker would get a kick out of that, batman thought grimly. There were those moments though when batman was pinning the joker to a wall or holding him over a ledge, or perhaps standing in front of him, ready to die, when he thought of saying something different. Something he wouldn't usually say,
But no one would ever have been able to convince batman to do such a thing, even if he were sorely tempted. He was sane, the joker couldn't say the same, surely that set him apart too much for their relationship to count. Every night batman would think this over, and every night his mind would spin in circles. To be confused was said often to be a good thing, as it was a step in learning and finding out. But he was getting nowhere. Then, one night, as if the fates had allowed, batman found himself in an unusual position, at least as far as the joker was concerned.
Batman had been on one of his usual crime stopping sprees, interrupting a burglary attempt, a kidnapping, something along those lines. They tended to blur when less interesting criminals where doing the deeds. Robbers put him to sleep. He was on his way home when he spotted the joker; by mere chance he was sure. He was standing on an old warehouse rooftop, the weathered tin shaking in the wind. It was the smile he recognized, hollowed out against the darkness, barely visible, yet utterly familiar, especially when connected to a tall and lean frame. He considered going on, but something told him this was a strangely fortunate occasion. And besides, the joker was a criminal, and criminals needed to be taken care of.
He circled back and landed on the roof, with light accuracy, making sure the joker couldn't see or hear him. He watched as the joker grinned and stared into the distance, letting out a light giggle every few moments. Obviously he was plotting something. Batman told himself that it was important to keep a closer eye on him now, and to stop him from whatever plans he must have.
The only thing that seemed a little strange was the joker standing on a rooftop. Batman could have sworn he had never seen such a thing before. The joker usually preferred to remain hidden, and he seemed unusually vulnerable alone on this roof, the wind blowing fiercely around him. Suddenly he heard a louder laugh coming from the joker, gradually twisting into his usual jubilated pitch "You know batsy, I never could resist a good midnight stalker." Batman jumped and shivered, creeping out from behind his hiding place. "Come now," the joker cooed delightedly, "I'm not deaf yet." He turned to face batman, wagging his finger playfully. "Not losing your edge I hope?" batman averted his eyes, and stared up at the moon, trying to decide whether to look back or not.
"Now don't be bashful," the joker went on, walking up closer to batman. "What's on your mind cutie?" batman squinted reproachfully. "I could think of better pet names joker." "Do tell," the joker replied gleefully, moving closer. "Why are you up here? Batman asked, nauseously switching subjects. The joker burst out laughing. "Oh batsy," he chuckled, "I was planning to jump, you know, suicides all the rage these days." He clasped his hands behind his back and stood on his tiptoes. Batman grimaced, as he usually did. "Who writes your punch lines joker?" he muttered. At this his adversary broke into further fits of laughter.
Batman pulled his cloak around him protectively and glared at the joker. "I know you're planning something," he growled. The joker nodded happily. "Right you are bat bat. Something very special as a matter of fact." Batman continued to give the joker a menacing glare, waiting for more jokes, more insane schemes. The joker stared at him and continued to smile. But then, too suddenly for any involuntary action, the joker pushed batman against the concrete cube in the middle of the roof, which led down to the warehouse itself.
Batman struggled in his surprisingly strong grasp, and grunted as he felt the joker lean down and stare at him as directly as he ever had, face to face, with a penetrating glance. He felt his hands twitching nervously, and his heart beating with reckless abandon. They were just so close. "Cantcha tell I was waiting for you batsy? All dressed up and nowhere to go. It took you long enough." The joker laughed a little. Batman felt his eyebrows furrow in his confusion and his body slump a little. "Didn't think anyone would wait so long for you hm?" the joker chirped. "Only a lunatic." He laughed more deeply now.
Batman tired to think of a casual yet dark remark. But he could only let out a melancholy groan. For some reason he felt unusually exhausted. The joker's grip was painful and unrelenting. But batman was in no mood to resist. All he could seem to do was breath and watch the darkness around him. "You know bats, lately I've been thinking," the joker paused to push him harder against the wall. "You and I, we're such sillies." He pushed his body against batman's to make sure he stayed put and brought a hand up to rest lightly on his cheek. Batman's eyes opened wide and he fought the urge to close his eyes and feel the comfort he needed urgently.
"You should try to smile a little more, I think you'd find it refreshing," the joker continued. Batman looked downwards, hoping the joker couldn't see the hurt he felt. But of course he would, he could read any emotion, however slight. "Oh I've touched a sore spot hm?" the joker whispered with a little laugh. "Don't tell me, traumatic childhood, death in the family?" batman lifted his head and freed one of his arms fiercely, hitting the joker so hard her landed on the very edge of the roof.
He put a hand to his pale face and felt the blood. He started to sit up, but in his haste he began to slide off of the roof. Batman ran to him and grabbed his hand, pulling him back onto the roof. The joker laughed as he lay staring up at the night sky. "You just can't let me go can you batsy?" he murmured happily. Batman grabbed his shirt and pulled him into a standing position gruffly. "Listen joker, I don't have time for this! What are you planning? Why are you up here?"
"I told you," the joker laughed, "I was waiting to see you." Batman still held the joker's shirt and tightened his grip. "The real reason, tell me!" he yelled, almost letting himself lose control. The joker's smile faded and he looked down at his shoes. "I was waiting for you," he muttered. Batman let go of his shirt and he fell to the tin roof clumsily. "One of these days we should swap," the joker said with a slight giggle. Batman looked down at the joker. "Swap what?" he asked. The joker crossed his legs and rocked back and forth. "My heart for yours," the joker murmured, his smile disappearing. "Oh we'd have a real time of it, you could see what it was like to love someone who hates you more than anything."
Batman stared disbelievingly down at the joker, his eyes wide and glaring. "What?" the joker stood and dusted himself off. "I know I'd have a hard time of being so serious, I'd probably end up killing myself, no joke." He said with a gleeful laugh. Batman stood in front of the joker, solemn and dark. He looked to himself for an answer and found one. "Joker, I wouldn't be the same without you," he muttered. "Well of course not bats," the joker laughed.
Batman stared intently at the joker and willed him to say something more. The joker clasped his hands into fists and stared at the roof beneath him. "You know I love you batsy." He said quietly. Batman flinched away but felt himself turning to look at the joker again. "I love you too," he said, but so quietly as to hope he hadn't. The joker heard and looked up at him, hurriedly dragging a sleeve across one of his eyes. Batman wondered at the thought. Was there such a fine line between hate and love? To question a feeling he knew so well and recognized now so clearly, seemed a waste of time. The joker grabbed batman and kissed him with a nervous smile. "This is just so lovey dovey." He whispered with a small laugh, nuzzling his ear.
Batman saw the joker looking at him expectantly, his arms around his waist. He smiled.