Mai and Ty Lee walked in to see Azula eating Ursa's soul. They stared at each other.

"Well," said Azula, putting down her fork. "This is awkward."

"I am the Avatar!" proclaimed Aang. "The master of all five elements!"

"Five?" laughed Fire Lord Ozai. "What's the fifth?"

"The element… of surprise! Wachow!"

Stumbling over, Ozai wondered how his leg had just become a borecupine.

Xin Fu sniffed. What was that smell?

"Sorry," said Master Yu meekly. "But on the bright side, I don't have to use the bathroom anymore."

"See you later, Katara!" chirped Aang. "Zuko and I are going to the Sun Temple, where you can't protect me if he turns evil again!"

"Have fun!" said Katara. "Oh, and Zuko? Come here a moment." She rested one hand on Zuko's forehead and another on his chest and started chanting in a low but strong voice: "Harkalchah, morphidalcha, homiato farmacha, lort mivotar, homialofta, GARUFTA MYARPYALSA!" With that she walked away, a smug grin on her face.

"What was that all about?" said Zuko, resting his hand on the airbender's shoulder. 400,000 volts of electricity coursed through his body.

Aang giggled. "Look at your hair!"

"I'm tired of carrying everyone on my back," groaned Appa.

"Shut your pie hole," said Atlas.

"I have a question," a young boy asked Combustion Man. "Where do babies come from?"

Combustion Man incinerated him.

The moral of this story: Don't ask Combustion Man where babies come from.

"Okay, Sokka," said Bato. "Are you ready for your Water Tribe rite of passage?"

Sokka shouted, "I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat!"

"You're going to have to stop that at some point," sighed Bato. "Like when your voice gives out."

"Take a good hard look at the mother-effin' boat!"

"What are you going to call him?" Katara asked. The lemur snatched Sokka's fruit and started eating it from Aang's shoulder.

"I was thinking, 'Monster Of Malevolent Obliteration.'"

Katara nodded. "Momo. I like it."

Awesomely Powerful Person Annihilator growled.

"253,971 bottles of beer on the wall, 253,971 bottles of beer! Take one down pass it around, 253,970 bottles of beer on the wall! Oh! 253,970…"

"Stop singing, Master Yu," sobbed Xin Fu. "Please, make it stop."

"You idiot! You made me lose count! Now I have to start over!"

"I have to go to the bathroom," moaned Xin Fu.

"My dog ate my homework! I swear!"

"I can tell you're lying."

"Aw, man, Miss. Toph."

"The Boulder is bad! You don't mess with the Boulder! The Boulder rules all!"

"I adore that talk. Leave this haiku unfinished. Just kiss me, Boulder!"

"Next on ESPN's World Series of Poker 2009, we have a heads up match between two phenomenal players. Our chip leader is Toph Bei Fong, whose inability to see the cards is made up for by her uncanny knack for knowing when another player is lying. Across from her is Koh the Face Stealer, who has been able to rout any player who can't hold his poker face. And now, a word from our sponsor."

"Poker isn't a sport, you nimrod!"

"Ha ha ha, oh, that just gets me every time. Now let's get back to the action."

"It's not action! Gah!"

Toph waved to the adulating crowd as it rejoiced in the end of war. She found her father in the thick and ran up to him, excited. He opened his arms to her, and she gave him a good punch in the shoulder.

"Toph, what the %$&*, you #$% {$^%!" he exclaimed. "%#$*, that hurt!"

"It's how I show affection…" said Toph weakly.

"Oh. In that case," said Toph's father, returning the punch, "right back at 'cha, kid!"

"I can't believe it!" cried Toph. "My own father hit me!" She ran off.

"Wait!" called Toph's father. "But… I thought…"

"Xin Fu, do you think that we'll be in here so long that Samtana will own Avatar by the time we get out?"

"No, dumb face. One thing I'm sure of is that Samtana will never own Avatar."

"Oh. But if he did, do you think he would free us?"

No.

"Ribbit," said the badgerfrog.

"What he said," said Zuko.

"Where did you all come from?" said Ty Lee.

"I'm taking a bath in here!" shrieked Toph.

"Rawr," said Appa.

"Anyone want tea?" said Iroh.

"Let's go postal!" said Bumi.

"Now we're talking!" said Aang.

In the crystal catacombs of Ba Sing Se, Azula struck Aang with lightning.

"Bravo," clapped Emperor Palpatine. "Excellent form, young padiwan. Here, have some more of your mother's soul."

"Yay!" squealed Azula, digging in.

Uncle walked over to Jin with a steaming cup of soothing jasmine tea. "You come here all the time," he said, setting the cup on the table. "This one's for free."

"Man!" whined Jin. "What do I look like, a charity case?" She took it, and threw it on the ground!

Uncle cried over spilled tea and Zuko was in love.

"Hi, I'm Aang!" waved the airbender.

"Stupid arrows," cursed Mitch Hedberg. "Telling me which way to go." He mumbled to himself as he trudged off in the direction the arrow on the back of Aang's hand pointed.

Mitch Hedberg, RIP

"I am an all-knowing ancient spirit," said the giant owl. "And I know you two are in love, so just admit it!"

Aang and Katara glanced at each other, then quickly turned away. Wan Shi Tong rolled his eyes. "Not you two. You two."

Sokka looked into Momo's eyes, and it was like magic.

"No making out in the library."

"Why did we leave Jet, Longshot, and Smellerbee in Lake Laogi? You can't get out without an earthbender."

"Oh, yeah." Katara shrugged. "Whatevs."

-5 months later-

"Hi, I'm Ju Dee. Welcome to our wonderful city."

Katara's jaw dropped. "Jet?"

Ju Dee cocked her head and put the hook swords away. "Who is Jet? I am Ju Dee."

Smellerbee lifted her arms to the sky, a wild rage in her eyes. "And now, let this fire give birth to my master, the Lord of Darkness, Zarboofa!" The flames spat as high as trees and the Dark Lord emerged into the earthly plane, cackling with evil triumph.

Jet gaped. "He's tiny."

A gust of wind blew the Dark Lord away like a leaf.

"If you so much as touch Aang," Katara growled, "I will end your destiny. Permanently!"

"You don't have the guts," sneered Zuko.

They flung themselves into each other's arms in a passionate kiss.

"Wait, what are we doing?" said Zuko, breaking away. "I love Mai!"

"And I love Aang!" breathed Katara, licking his ear. "But I don't care!"

"You hot devil, you," said Zuko, pressing into her lips again.

A few minutes later, still in Zuko's embrace, Katara said, "Is it just me, or does Zutara feel like a crappy French romance movie?"

"Oui oui," said Zuko.

"Eenie meanie minie moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers…" said Sokka.

Suki rolled her eyes. "Is this humiliating to anyone else?" Toph, Yue, and Ty Lee all nodded.

"Look, Master Yu! Our beards are long and thick enough that we could probably pick the lock!"

"But didn't Toph seal it shut with metalbending?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"Now, let's get back to singing!"

"Mommy…"

List of what I don't own but used in this chapter: Star Wars, Mitch Hedburg jokes, "I'm on a Boat" and "On the Ground" (Lonely Island songs); and ESPN. I'm pretty sure Eenie Meenie Miney Moe is in the public domain. All Avatar disclaimers will be mentioned within the chapter, but just to be clear: I don't own Avatar.

-samtana